The Bachelorette: Iceland Blows!

Hello fellow Bachelorette lovers and haters! So… last week we learned that Roberto is the real “Lion King” and that above all else, Kasey is going to “guard and protect” Ali’s heart. Even if it means removing it from her body and placing it on the altar he keeps in his closet. Why?! Because this is serious shit – this is… “THE BACHELORETTE“!

The boys are super excited because they’re on a plane to Iceland! And along the way they even learn something…

The definition of Ast. There’s a blow job joke here but I’m way to classy to make it.

Awww… ‘IceLandAir” – named after the only 3 things there is to do there.

Kasey’s still boasting about his psycho tattoo to the other guys and asking if they’re “willing to do that…”

I mean – has he even thought of the fact if they did get married, Ali would have to lie to their friends about the tattoo so they wouldn’t freak everyone out. CREEPY!

Ali greets us and tells us how beautiful Iceland is and what a great place to visit it is (now I know how the trip was paid for – thanks Icelandic Tourism Board!).

It looks like a blast! Literally.

However my favorite is the “Church of the Blatant Phallus”

All the boys meet Ali in the town square and discover that there’ll be a group date, one-on-one and a double date! Ooooh! The one-on-one date will be won by whoever writes the best poem for Ali! Let the game (literary tragedy) begin!

Some of the guys decide it’s best to go off and learn Icelandic from the locals to use in their poems…

“So how is it you say, ‘I live with my parents. You’ll need to sell your furniture.’?”

While the other guys get help, Justin can’t find anyone to talk to him…

Who would’ve thought that Icelanders have great douche-dar?

Chris N. is worried that his poem won’t be good enough…

I’d suggest starting it off with who the hell you are and give us a reason to remember you. And don’t mention “Orlando” unless it’s “I live in Orlando but I’m moving”.

So the boys give it a go and try their best…

“…unlimited supply of CRAZY.”? Just a guess.

Chris N (aka Mr Cellphane) gets up there and stutters out a half-assed poem that he forgets most of. It’s awful and awkward BUT… memorable! Good job!

Kirk gets up there and is all sweet and charming and makes the 10 steps up to her to bring it in close. Ali beams and I’m sure he’s gonna be the one. Unless Frank can dethrone him…

“Roses are red, Violets are pale, How do you feel, about a life in retail?”

Nope! I was right – Kirk wins the one-on-one with Ali because of approaching her – even though Frank did too – Kirk hasn’t had the one-on-one time (excepting for giving her the most x-rated “tucking into bed” I’ve ever seen last week).

Time for the one-on-one date! Ali and Kirk decide to go shopping in Reykjavik. Which is a beautiful city that makes for mind-numbing TV. It’s a boring date but it’s actually cute to see them do normal things on a date instead of – gee I don’t know – flying to vegas or tight-rope walking between skyscrapers. So they decide to go sweater shopping.

Minus the plaid undergarments and you got yourself an outfit. Abs complete any ensemble.

They look cute though…

Kind of what you’d imagine the world would look like if Hitler won.

Ali says that she loves Kirk because he’s so upbeat and positive – cue buzz kill story aaaaaand go! Kirk tells Ali that he hasn’t dated for more than a year and this worries her. WHY?! He’s not slutting it up so it makes him less of a catch?!

“Ummm – if he’s banged less 10 girls in the last month, I’m not sure he’s right for me.”

Back at the Chalet du Man, the boys find out who’s going on the next group date! Basically it’s everyone BUT Kasey and Justin! UH OH! Double date with Psycho and the Wrestler! Let’s get ready to ruuuuuumble! And by rumble I mean fake slapping and throwing chairs around.

Over at a cozy fireside dinner, Kirk’s about to reveal the BIG news to Ali! OOOH! Scandalous! Did he commit a crime? Burn down a nursing home? Is he already married? Does he have 3 kids? Is he 1/16 Native American?! WHAT CAN IT BE?! It’s.. it’s… oh. He almost died from mold poisoning. Well wah wah waaaaaah. That’s awful and all but it certainly isn’t something he should be scared to tell her! Was he afraid she was gonna be like:

“EW!!! You smell like death! Creepy! Now we can’t share my love for blue cheese! FUCK THIS!”

But she’s fine and he starts to tell her the horrific mold-poisoning he suffered from. Which is pretty graphic. Maybe take it down a notch and—

Oh sweet Jesus.

So it turns out the house he was living in during college had really bad mold and it made him really sick. The two of them look like he just said he wasn’t gonna make it past dinner. I mean – this whole thing’s really awful and all – but I mean – he’s alive now. So… ?

Ali decides to give Kirk a rose because he could go at any second. He’s a fragile lad and she wants to take care of him. He’s thrilled that she’s “accepting him for who he is”. WTF? He’s a mold-survivor not a serial rapist. I’m so confused as to what the BFD is!!!

Back at the Chalet du Man, Frank (pushed by the producers I’m sure) approaches Kasey to see how he’s feeling about the double date. Kasey says he’s there for love and that’s why he go the tattoo – “to be a man, a man for that woman”. YOU. ARE. BAT. SHIT. CRAZY.

This is the look of someone who’s wondering if the fall out the window would kill him if he needed to get the fuck out of there in an instant.

Kasey says he’s hesitant about showing her the tattoo. And that the emotional pain is killing him – because normally he can handle pain and actually likes it. LIKES PAIN?!

“Then son be a deeeentist!”

It’s a fresh new day in Iceland – the wind’s a blowing and the volcano’s erupting – perfect time for a group date!

(Side note) “The Bachelorette: Catherine the Great Edition“

The boys finally arrive and join Ali. Ty, the resident cowboy, gets a total boner when he sees Ali holding the horses. Giddy up, cowboy! He hops right on the horse and is ready to go while the other guys fumble around.

Frank’s pissed that Ty has the advantage. On the other hand, he’ll be on home field when they have date night at the local Ross.

Ali actually does really well with her horse but not so much with the other guys. She remarks that Chris L is a “Massachusetts boy” so he doesn’t know WHAT to do with a wild animal. UMMM… Have you BEEN to Western Mass?! Those people ride anything from a horse to a possum. And when they reach their destination, they eat it.

Maybe it’d be easier to mount if you’d stop trying to milk it.

So the group takes a ride and then arrives at a giant hole and Ali asks “How do you feel about going down there?”

Best sexual innuendo on a reality dating show… EVER.

I’d tell Ali, “I’m all about going down there, but I got a mountain you need to climb first.”

Luckily they’ve all donned their winter body condoms.

DAMMIT why couldn’t Justin been on this date?! I’d love to see them push his crippled ass down the hole. “Best of luck Rated Rrrrrrrrrr……!” Speaking of Justin -

Time for the cast to come off! I hope it reveals an even bigger “shielded heart” tattoo. Kasey would lose his shit. What a perfect twist!

Uhhh – the hospital can reuse those!!! And I be SO PISSED if I was the janitor. Good luck finding a Hefty Cinch Sack those won’t bust through and rip.

Back at the cave, Chris L decides to go down on – with – Ali first. So he gets to the bottom of the cave and Ali yells…

“This was actually an elimination date so… enjoy the pit of snakes! BYEEEEE!”

Kidding – but that would’ve been awesome. Ali joins Chris L down at the bottom and she’s cold so he gives her his gloves. Which is sweet. But stupid. He’s gonna freeze. I would’ve told her, “I’d give you my gloves but no one likes their boobies touched with icy fingers! Am I right?! Now come on over here!”

The rest of the boys join and they start exploring the cave which is actually really cool. It’s pretty short though and soon they all come out on the other side. See boys?! It wasn’t so bad!

Not nearly as difficult as a High Five can be.

So while everyone panics about whether or not they’re getting enough time to spend with Ali, she lays out a delightful picnic.

If I was there and all she brought was tea – I don’t think I could be held responsible for my actions.

Ty’s really excited the date’s gone so well. I have a feeling he’s got a good shot at the rose. After a long day of riding and spelunking, Ali then takes the boys to “The Blue Lagoon” which is a lake with “healing properties”. And of course she left behind the 2 people that could’ve benefitted! Justin, for his leg, and Kasey, for his mind.

So anyways, the group decides to relax by the water, read Shakespeare and talk about the sanctity of marriage and—

Just kidding!

So of course they all strip down and hop in the water!

Questions for Camera Guy: 1) Why were you focused on Craig R’s ass at just the right moment? 2) WHY THE FUCK WEREN’T YOU FOCUSED ON ROBERTO AT THIS MOMENT?! SHIT! GET IT TOGETHER!

Roberto is the first in the water and all the boys hop in. Yeaaaaah Sausage Party! Ali decides to take Chris L away with her first though…

“I can see him… coming in your hair tonight… hold on…”

Chris L tells Ali that usually he changes himself for the girl he’s with. She asks if he has with her – and he says no. That would’ve been great if she fucking lost it and screamed, “WHY NOT?!?! RAAAAWRRRR!!! BUY ME THINGS!!!” After his reaction I’m sure they would’ve had to drain the lagoon and scrub it down.

So while those two get all frisky and cuddly in the water while the rest of the boys keep the water warm by melting down in it. Frank is especially losing it because they can’t see the happy couple but they can hear them giggling and sloshing around in the water. I’m pretty sure he hears, “Splish splash giggle giggle – oh that’s huge! No we don’t need protection!”

Back at the hotel, Kirk grills Kasey about the upcoming date and they talk a little bit about Justin as he walks in. Justin then gets all worked up that they’re talking smack about him and shows the boys that trouble’s a brewing because his hand’s a shakin’…

Kirk should’ve said, “Congrats you have Parkinson’s – now piss off Drama Queen.”

Apparently it’s Justin’s “adrenaline” and Kasey has to defend himself…

So he leaves. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUARDING AND PROTECTING OF THE HEART?!

Back at the lover’s lagoon, Ali and Frank take a break for some champers and Ali asks him why he takes the backseat during the group dates. Frank resists saying, “BECAUSE I HAVE DIGNITY AND DON’T LIKE TO FIGHT OVER YOU LIKE A 10 YEAR OLD” and instead mumbles something admirable. Ali says she wants to see him in action more though, AKA fighting for her attention, and Frank agrees that he does. Pack heat, Frankie boy.

So Ali swims back down to the boys and decides it’s time to get the group date rose away. Chris L and Ty are both SUPER confident they’re gonna get it. And it goes to… TY! Oh snap. Chris L looks like he’s going drown himself. If I were him I’d immediately piss in the pool. Fuck those people.

It’s another day in frigid Iceland and Kasey and Justin are packed and ready to go for their date! But not before Frank chums it up with Kasey and finally gets him to commit to saying he’ll tell Ali about the tattoo. Frank is either getting paid by the producers or he’s a total crazy-junkie.

He’s not hugging you Kasey! He’s patting you down for a weapon!

Meanwhile Kirk bro’s it up with Justin and Justin tells him that he’s going all out against Kasey. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!

Off to the date! Ali meets the boys at a helicopter (go figure – if she pulls the “I’m so scared of flying” again I’m gonna smack her).

And there’s the big reveal…

He can walk! Praise Jesus! Kasey totally should’ve stepped on his ankle and ran for the helicopter.

They then take off and fly out to the exploding volcano. You know, the one that stopped European air traffic for weeks. They get really close to it and Ali decides it’s best to get a closer look and land next to it! That’s safe! God I hope ABC has good lawyers. And what if there’s natives that wanna throw Ali in the volcano?! I kid, I kid. We all know she’s not a virgin.

It’d be awesome if they just hovered over it and Ali said, “Now fight. Whoever stays in the helicopter, stays on the show. Ready… GO!”

Instead they land next to it (boo) and stare at it…

The excitement is palpable.

Just says that he’s worried about the rose and it’s making his insides feel like a volano. That could also be the smoked herring too though. Or the fact that his body is 90% bullshit. Just saying.

Soon the world’s most awkward menage a trois heads off and out to explore a glacier. And what’s inside the glacier?! An ice lounge!

Icy. But still more stable than IKEA furniture.

This shot sums this show up perfectly. Candles, a rose and booze.

Ali takes this opportunity to get to know Justin and he thanks her for giving him a chance. Buddy, if you think for one second that you’re here because of Ali and not because the producers want your drama-filled ass here, you are seriously mistaken.

Meanwhile, Kasey’s out in the cold by himself. I can’t see what he’s doing but I’ll guess: a) Planning Justin’s demise. B) Eating a sandwich made of Ali’s toenail clippings or C) Guarding and protecting a fart. I’m open to any other suggestions!

Kasey says he just hopes Justin goes “overboard” and ruins it for himself. Kasey, is there ANYTHING Justin could possibly do that’d be more overboard than what you’ve done?! Unless Justin comes out with his ear cut off and in a box, you’re fucked.

Now it’s Kasey’s turn with Ali. They cheers to some “hot cocoa” (aka grain alcohol) and start chatting. Ali says the only thing she wants from Kasey is for him to be normal. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAA…..

And cue the tattoo reveal!!!

If a picture’s worth a 1,000 words, this tattoo’s worth 500 “Oh”s and 500 “SHIIIIIIT”s.

Just don’t breath! Don’t move! For God’s sake he can probably smell fear! Luckily that outfit should protect your face for when he snaps.

Ali tries to joke around (ie break the awkwardness/horror) and tells Kasey that his Mom’s gonna kill him for getting a tattoo – of course he says his Mom will LOVE IT.

I’m almost positive this is Kasey’s mother.

Ali just stutters out, “Thank you… for being… you.” Safest compliment ever! LOL. She better hope to God he never finds out where she lives.

So Ali then drags these two up to the top of a snowy hill and decides it’s time to give out the rose. A big part of me wants her to say, “Neither” and peace out in the helicopter. But instead she choose Justin! OH MY GOD!!! RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!

Actually the way she says it is very, “Oh fuck – I don’t know – you both suck – I’m just gonna say Justin because I’m almost sure he won’t murder me and make a coat out of my skin.” Ali tells Kasey that she’s letting him go because he wants him to find the girl that’s perfect for HIM.

I can think of three ladies right off the top of my head that’d be great for you!

So the helicopter then TAKES OFF and leaves Kasey stranded there!!! HAHAHA WTF?! Is she TRYING to get him to murder her?!

OMG! Kasey’s the voice of Dr. Claw! THAT’S why he sounded so familiar!

So Ali leaves Kasey for dead and her and Capt. Douchbag fly off into the sunset. Kasey then walks over to the volcano, speaks in several tongues and conjures up a cloud of smoke from it that downs air traffics for weeks – killing Ali’s dream of banging all the boys around Europe. VENGEANCE IS HIS!!!

Ali goes back to all the boys and breaks the news to them. They could obviously give a shit less and Frank decides to take the Ali-required-initiation and pulls her away. He then tells her how right she was that he needs to step up and play ball for her. More importantly:

Did anyone else notice this show has NOT aged Frank very well? Apparently this show is more taxing than his shifts at Gymboree.

Back at the man-fest, Craig tells us that he hasn’t been this nervous since he gave a speech at his law school graduation (shameless plug!). I hope the speech was about giving up a lucrative job to chase after a harlot on a reality show.

Craig also reveals a surprise to Ali…

A tacky bracelet? OH! A fake tattoo! Very funny. Props!

Ali gets a good laugh out of that. You know what else is funny? When Kasey watches this episode while putting on lipstick and saying “I’d fuck me” he’ll for sure add Craig’s name to the “kill list”.

And then Ali meets with whats-his-face…

Who literally says that girls always say he’s “so funny” WHILE he has this expression.

Ali asks for an example of his silliness and he replies… wait for it… “I LIKE MEXICAN FOOD.” DYING! You can’t write shit funnier than that! BWAAAHHH! His idea of extreme silliness is a fucking burrito! Add some guacamole and you’ve got an all-out craaaaaazy night!

The boys even notice from the other side of the room how awkward it looks. He then AWKWARDLY pulls her in for a hug and she tenses up and gives in. TRAIN WRECK! It’s her own fault for keeping him this long. He’s like 3 minutes away from petting her hair and saying, “LENNY LOVE SO MUCH.”

Chris L then saves Ali and takes her away. She actually pressures him a bit about whether he’d be ok with living away from the family. After her “Massachusett’s boy” comment she clearly has no interest in shucking clams and watching a wicked good game of hockey for the rest of her life. I feel like right after the wedding she’d walk up to his Dad and family and be like, “Peace out bitchez! We’re going to LA! Fuck you – fuck the Sox – fuck lobstahs! WE’RE OUT!!!”

Roberto then gets some quality time with Ali and she asks him if he would’ve approached her before all this. He says maybe – he’s shy – and she said she would’ve been nervous because he’s SOOOO HOT! She wants his ass for sure – he’s so in the final two.

So before Ali makes her decision on who gets a rose, Host Chris takes her off for a chat…

Otherwise known as “Filler” AKA “A complete waste of our time.” GET TO IT!

Ali tells Host Chris that she’s sad about Kasey. She’ll be even sadder when she’s in a pit in his basement being sprayed with the hose. “It puts the lotion on its body!!!”

Host Chris also calls her out on “not letting herself fall in love”. She gets nervous and stutters about. If this girl doesn’t choose someone I’LL spray her with a hose.

Time for the rose ceremony! Kirk (Yeah!), Ty (Giddy up!) and Justin (Puke!) already have roses so there’s only FOUR to hand out. And they are….

Frank the tank! (they guys were all saying it – I wanted to fit in)

Chris L! (Uhhh – you leave your suit jacket at the cave? WTF?)

Roberto! (She said his name, she said his name! Robbie-berto!)

And… CRAIG! (Cheer up – you look like Droopy Dog)

Oh no! What’s-his-awkward-face is totally getting sent home!

Cheer up buddy. There’s always Taco Bell. CHULUPAS?! OH THE SILLINESS!!!

Ali and the boys gather round and Ali announces that next week they’re heading off to Istanbul, Turkey! YEAH— wait what?! Ugh. Well at least we’ll get to see the boys in Turkish baths. Can’t wait! That’s it for this week everyone! What did you all think!? Good decisions? Crazy locations? Krazier Kasey?! Come on and DISH IT!