The Bachelorette: Let the Bukkake Begin!

Welcome to a new season of “The Bachelorette”! My name’s bBitz and I’ll start by saying I’ve never watched a minute of these shows. In all honestly, I’ve given my best friend shit for years for pissing away endless hours on what I called a “whorefest”. But here I am now – dedicated to a season of watching and dissecting each minute of a 2 hour a week (REALLY?! TWO HOURS?!) clusterfuck to the altar. And why do I do it?! Because I love you all and frankly, I have a soft spot for man-whores. So let’s get to it… ladies and gays… it’s “The Bachelorette“!!!

The show opens with a montage of clips from “The Bachelor”. For those of you who don’t know the new “Bachelorette” – it’s Ali – the girl that left “The Bachelor” last season because she choose her dream job, a DESK JOB, over the “love of her life”. And btw this guy was HOT. OUCH. Talk about a shitty decision…

Like the decision to wear jeans and pirate boots into the ocean.

So Ali decided to leave the ridic hot “Bachelor” and she’s full of regret for choosing a “desk, computer and keyboard over the love of her life”. Yikes. There is no way they’re gonna get you off HALF as well as he would’ve, no matter HOW good that internet porn is. I love how it’s like the saddest job in the universe that she took. WTF was it for? If she was a telemarketer in India I think I’d die laughing.

Ali tells us that she’s now putting her love life ahead of her career (as a worker at Dunder-Mifflin?) and she’s ready to meet the man of her dreams!

Yes… it’s also time for you to learn that WATER AND CLOTHES DON’T MIX! What’s wrong with this girl!?

So now Ali’s off to the “Bachelorette Compound” where she’ll settle in before meeting the boys.

Uhhh… AWESOME. Is this in Arizona? If so, I hope none of the prospective boys are darker than a tortilla or they’re getting shipped south.

Ali also tells us that this is a huge deal for her because she’s quit her job and moved out of her apartment. Umm – isn’t the taping of this last for like 2 months or something?! She couldn’t take a leave from work or sublet her apartment? WTF is she gonna do after the show? This girl has seriously crappy decision-making skills. It’s gonna be a GREAT season!

Where the hell was this taken? The moon of Endor? What beach looks this beautiful?! The sky is on fire! Something tells me the producers of CSI: Miami helped out with this episode.

Ali mentions that her worst fear is that she doesn’t find the right man. Mine would be that she does and he has genital herpes. Clearly Ali’s going to need my help through this.

Our host, Chris Harrison (didn’t this guy nail one of the girls on the last show or something?), treats us to a bounty of clips from future episodes…

Like when this beefy dude almost clocks the douche in the hat. Why do I immediately think that guy’s hot? What’s wrong with me?!

It looks like lots of shit goes down. The cops come at some point, there’s fights, there’s plenty of drama…

Like when Ali gets a call offering her a new desk job with a WINDOW VIEW!

They even travel all around the world. Wow what a budget! I normally recap “The Amazing Race” so this won’t be much different. Instead of racing to a million dollars it’s racing to… ummm… Ali’s money-maker.

Finally we get to the start of the show. Good God that was just the preview?!? And here’s Host Chris…

Who has apparently been gardening like crazy since the last season.

Chris let’s us know it’s FINALLY time to meet the bachelors – let’s do this!

First up is Frank – a retail manager from Chicago. He left his job to move back in with his parents to write scripts. WE HAVE A WINNER! Holy shit Ali! Ditch the other 24! This guy’s got his own room above the garage! Which is perfect since you’re homeless now!

Ironically Frank’s reaction when he finds out the “Bachelorette” is Ali, is the same one Ali will have when she learns she’s moving in with his parents.

Next up, Jay, a lawyer from Rhode Island. His motto is “a family that sues together stays together.” Gross. At least she’ll have an easy choice of who to knock off first.

Craig, a dental salesman from Canada is next…

Said the douchebag wearing a pink shirt and matching handkerchief.

I hope she votes him oooooooout. He’s awful smarmy and Canadian.

Now we have Kyle, an outdoorsman from Colorado.

Has our economy tanked so bad that “Outdoorsman” is considered a profession?

Kyle goes on to tell us that he’s very lonely out there and he NEEDS a woman. Sounds like someone’s been getting blisters.

And I’m no outdoorsman but isn’t it easier to fish when it’s not frozen? Maybe just go to the market.

Classy.

This guys house looks like a friggin’ nightmare. There’s more animal carcasses all over it then Sarah Palin’s house after a feeding.

Next up, Justin, an entertainment wrestler from Canada. (What the hell’s up with all the Canadian’s? Is this “The Bachelorette” or “Who Wants to Marry a Green Card?”)

The first thing he shows us is what happens to Ali if she fucks up dinner one night.

Justin’s wrestler name is “Rated R”. I’ll let you all figure out what the R stands for. Meanwhile, Justin’s grandma gives us some advice…

True that Grandma! I’m guessing this motto has been passed down in the family.

Although beautiful girls don’t gang bang their hot son, either. Sidenote: Ew to the creepy dolls all over that house.

Next up, Phil, an investment banker from Chicago. He’s a family guy who had his brother pass away and is now very focused on family and…

He’s just a really good guy, OK? Just take my word for it.

Now we have Jonathon, a weatherman from Houston. He’s planning on using his sense of humor to win Ali over.

And the forecast is partly douchey with a chance of lame.

Ty, a medical salesman from Tennessee is up next. Ty is a dog-lover and has previously been married – things didn’t work out. I sure wish we knew if things didn’t work out because of him or her. Like if he murdered her. That’d probably be my first question.

Next up, Chris, a landscaper from Cape Cod. He was a teacher and then moved back home to take care of his dying mom. OMG. Heart…breaking…too…sweet… Ok he’s definitely my favorite so far.

Our next hombre…

Yes. Whatever you’re selling, I need it. I’m sure I’ll need typhoon insurance in LA at some point.

And then this guy…

Ummm – is Ali getting ANYONE without a six pack?!! I kind of hate her.

Ok seriously now I know why all of my girlfriends watch this show. And I’m pissed they didn’t explain it to me better.

So then a whole bunch of guys whiz by and we barely get to know them. I’m guessing that means they either get cut early or we’ll get to know them later.

The first batch of guys is now headed to the house in the limo and they’re all rejoicing that Jake fucked up last season and didn’t chase after Ali. Sweet fellas.

Chris then invites Ali to a fireside chat before the boys arrive. He basically just gets her talk about her royal fuck up last year. Poor thing. I mean – she choose a desk, a computer and a KEYBOARD over love and then lost it all! NOT THE KEYBOARD!!! NOOOOO!!!!

Ali hopes that the boys won’t treat this like a competition and instead make it about finding true love. I think that’s a fair hope. Men in their late 20′s/30′s that are still single and work out all the time – yeah – there’s NO WAY they’ll turn it into a competition. Oh Ali. If the winner doesn’t spike you like a football on the playing field I’ll be shocked.

She also tells us that she’d love to be knocked up 5 years from now. Sounds perfect! I mean – you’re already homeless and jobless – so you’re on the path! The American dream!

Time to meet the boys!

The limo pulls up and out hops…

PLEASE TELL ME HE’S GAY. I mean, it’s just not fair.

Maybe I can steal him away by distracting her with this. Ooooh! Look Ali! It’s ergonomically designed!

So anyways, Chris H. is a real estate guy from Canada (go figure) and is ridiculously charming and cute. So far we’re off to a good start.

Jesse, a general contractor from Peculiar, Missouri who uses the line “How do you feel about dating a “Peculiar” man?” Get it!? She didn’t. It would’ve been great if he followed “Because I’m from Peculiar…” with “AND also because I like to bathe in sheep urine. I’m “Peculiar!”

Chris L. (another fav) is next and does a good job – so much so that it makes Ali nervous and she says “Have a good night” and quickly switches to a possessed “I MEAN I’LL SEE YOU INSIDE!!!”

Down girl. There’s 22 more to go.

And then there’s Frank, the lives-with-his-parents screenwriter…

She thought it was charming when he climbed up through the window. Little does she know it’s a skill she’ll need when sneaking into his parents house after curfew.

Next up, Gimpy Mc Limps-alot, who sprained his ankle while fake wrestling. NEXT!

Ew gross – now it’s the lawyer. Do not like him. He calls her “sweetie” like you know how he calls his secretary. Yuck.

Chris N is from Orlando, Fl and pulls a magical rose from out of nowhere for Ali. Awww. You know what would be a better trick? Not being from Orlando, Fl.

Next up is Kasey, an acct exec from Clovis, CA. You’re sure it’s not Klovis, Kalifornia, Kasey?! Lame. I’m trying to be nice but this guy talks like he’s got something caught in his throat. Or like a weird German accent. He sounds like Hans Gruber from “Die Hard”…

“I wanted a roooooooose!!!”

Instead Kasey tells Ali that no matter what happens he’ll ALWAYS be there to guard her heart – even if she picks someone else – he’ll ALWAYS be there… waiting… watching… CREEEEEPY!

Next up, it’s our professional outdoorsman Kyle!

And he’s literally trying to reel her in. That’s right. His first impression is to call her a fish. Fantastic. Although I guess we should be happy he didn’t pretend she was a bear and shoot her in the leg.

Ali compliments him on his yellow shirt. That’s “nice girl speak” for “this is the last night we’re going to see each other. Don’t unpack your tackle box.”

Next up, Roberto the hottie latino insurance salesman! AND he speaks Spanish to her! EEK! I don’t know what he said but I blacked out and woke up with my pants around my ankles. He is muy delicioso. And he’s got a dimple in his chin that you could eat flan out of.

Craig comes up and Ali learns he’s yet another guy from Canada. I think she’s finally piecing the whole “Ali = Green Card” theme that’s going on.

Tyler from Vermont introduces himself and thanks her for not flying off with Jake in his airplane. I would have LOVED it if she burst into tears at the mention of Jake and his airplane and stormed off. Aaaaaaawkward!

Speaking of awkward, John C. from Washington strolls up and “proposes” to her with a cz ring. She laughs and thinks it’s cute. I would’ve slammed his head to the ground and explained joke or not, a diamond is a girl’s best friend.

The first 15 guys are now complete and we’re off to the final 10…

Did anyone else notice all the sounds coming from the limo when it would pull up? Gross.

Our local weatherman is up next – he gives her a sunshine magnet. It’s actually pretty sweet. He’s hokey but could be charming.

Next up is Craig…

Finally someone who most likely doesn’t have a 6 pack! Nice to meet ya… FATTY.

Steve from Ohio is next. They don’t have much convo and we know zero about him. So I’m guessing he should’ve never gotten out of the limo.

Now we have Sales Consultant (Zzzzzzz….) and runner-up for most Aryan lookin’ mother f-er…

Kirk! And he makes her a paper rose! Awwww… cheap skate.

And here’s a Cowboy! He steps out of the limo wearing cowboy boots and tells her he did it because she wore cowboy boots when she met Jake. One problem. That wasn’t her. BWAAAAAHHHH!!!! Awesome!

“Did I say Cowboy boots?! I meant you looked like a Cow… girl! A Cowgirl! Oh my God I’m sorry Crystal – wait Alexis – no ALI!! ALI!! MY BAD!”

Next up is Hunter who is 28 but looks 48, tells her he’s “coming in for a hug” and then tells her he has to pee. GOOD GOD. It’s times like these I feel so sorry for straight women everywhere.

Now we have Derek who is a sales manager from…

Somewhere where children are bred without necks.

He then throws leaves at her and tells her to make a wish on one. I hope she wished for a leaf blower for her and a neck for him.

Next is Phil. I like him – he’s another fav. I’m just saying. I called him if she throws him out.

Derrick, or “Shooter” is up next. He tells her he’ll explain later what the name’s about. DUDE, IF YOU WANT TO STAY ON THIS SHOW PAST THE CREDITS – DON’T!!! Well at least if he just SHOWS her it’ll be entertaining.

Too soon?

Now for Jason from Denver…

He flips off the top of the limo. I believe this is where the phrase “over the top” comes in.

AND THAT’S IT! Was that 25?! It feels like there was 100. So Ali now goes inside the house to kick things off. Does anyone else feel like she’s gonna walk in on a giant circle jerk?

Being a “Bachelor(ette)” virgin – this seems SOOOO AWKWARD to me! There’s 25 guys in one room all looking to nail this one girl. I mean – it’s like a club with the world’s worst door man out front. “Penis? Sure! Come on in! Plenty of room!”

Frank’s the first bold one to take a chance and ask Ali to join him outside… alone. WOW! This boy is WORKING it. I’m guessing he loves the mansion there and isn’t all too thrilled with the idea of moving back home and sleeping in his childhood bunk bed.

So Frank takes this chance to tell Ali his story – the one about him living in Paris – not the one about crying himself to sleep every night while he listens to his parent’s bed squeak.

Back in the men’s room, Kirk admits that he spent some time on arts & crafts to make Ali something and douchey Craig makes fun of him and his “manliness.”

Hey asshole. You looked like Easter threw up on you and you’re making fun of HIS manliness? SHUT IT.

And Kirk looks like this so he could make an ash tray out of poop for all I care.

So Kirk then takes Ali aside and shows her what he was working on…

Uh oh. I hope there’s not a dick where her thumb’s blocking or I’ll feel really bad about sticking up for him.

Next up is Kasey. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS VOICE!?! He promises to “protect her heart” yet again and tells her he’s a Momma’s boy. He’s kind of sweet – he even blushes. I don’t know – I can’t tell whether I’d wanna go out with him or see if he’s a registered sex offender.

Hunter, fresh from taking a piss, decides to woo Ali with his ukulele (thank God for spell check) and says that he’s not worried about making an ass of himself. That makes one of us. Ali just giggles and laughs. Although that’s the case in most situations it seems. Come on Ali! At least backhand ONE of them and send them off.

Speaking of! Here’s SHOOTER! Who tells Ali that he prematurely blew his shooter all over some poor girl in college.

“Thanks Shooter! Because of you MY nickname was “Dumpster” throughout college!”

My favorite part of this show so far? Instead of pretending that’s not INSANE, Ali says “What the @%!” in her interview afterwards. Love it!

Next up, Ali doubles down on the Weatherman and the Easter Egg. The Weatherman, seeing that there’s a cold front moving in, offers to move the heat lamp over onto her but she takes his jacket instead. I love how cool she’s playing this while the guys stumble all over her.

Meanwhile, Easter Egg sits there and gets pissed that Weatherman babbles away. Once they get back in the men’s room, he tells everyone about it and makes Enemy #1 out of Weatherman.

AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCK WITH WEATHERMAN!!!

It’s now time for Ali to give out the “first impression” rose. All of them men salivate over it and Roberto (hooooooottie!) takes his chance for one on one time with Ali.

Roberto comes from an “awesome” family and just started a business and blah blah blah take off your shirt! He then starts salsa dancing with her! Uhhh – how the @$% is this guy still single?! WHAT’S THE CATCH ALI?! She needs to ask every one of these guys that question.

Awww – here comes Cape Cod Chris. Of course during the conversation Ali asks about his mom but he decides to wait until later to drop that sad bomb. I guess it’s good not to be Debbie Downer in the first five minutes. I just hope he tells her before the wedding day.

Back inside, the Outdoorsman comments that he’d like to eat the rose to keep it in his soul forever. He then gives Ali a golden “good luck” fish hook charm. This guy is quickly winning “most entertaining but dear God don’t pick him”. Meanwhile, Jay, the lawyer, sat there and made no objections.

The Wrestler then makes his move and hobbles out to the patio with Ali. His first move?

Heaven help her. Wait til she sees his Superman under-roos.

THANKFULLY, Hottie Chris H steals her away and Tiny Tim gets sent back to the wolves who EAT UP that he’s an “entertainment wrestler”.

Lawyer Craig (non-6pack) takes it upon himself to tell Ali to beware of people (the Wrestler) that are on the show for 15 minutes of fame instead of nailing her. FOCUS PEOPLE!

Everyone groups back up for another Host speech – Chris tells the guys that they have to write down a name of a guy that they think is here for the wrong reasons! OH SNAP! The wrestler can totally kiss his ass goodbye. Even though I’m not sure he’s there for the wrong reasons. Although, Grandma Wrestler would sooo slap the pretty off Ali’s face.

The boys start to deliberate who they think should go home. What makes this even better is most of them don’t even remember names yet…

HAHAHAHAHA… Shooter’s screwed. There’s not one person there that doesn’t remember

his name.

Meanwhile Peculiar Jesse takes Ali out back and gives her a wooden heart he made. HE’S SWEET! Me likey! Take off your shirt!

Back in the men’s room – Easter Egg is pissing people off left and right and EVERYONE’S bashing on his hairdo. This guy is definitely a schmuck but I hope he stays around for entertainment value.

Ali then makes her move for the FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE!!! She breaks left, she breaks right – she heads for ROBERTO!!! YES!!! Good job girl! Mama’s gonna get a chimichanga tonight!

Roberto is super happy and he’s friggin’ hot. So he’s pretty much on a high.

Awwww! Chris got a rose from Leather Daddy! CUTE! See ya at Pride boys!

Turns out Chris is there to tell us that one person received the most votes and Ali has the choice to kick his ass out if she wants. He then reveals… it’s the WRESTLER!!! Honestly, Ali looks most pissed that she’s gotta lug his crippled ass back out again to chat with him. He basically says that the guys are just teaming up on him because he’s an awesome wrestler. So she brings him back in and tells everyone SHE’S KEEPING HIM! WHAAA WHAT?!!? She then leaves and Justin looks at the guys…

This has to be the best representation of the phrase, “EAT SHIT, ASSHOLES.” that I’ve ever seen!

Time for the rose ceremony! 3 people are going home! Let’s find out who the lucky boys are first though…

Peculiar Jesse! (YEAH!!!) Ty! (Zzzzzz….) Craig “Fatty Lawyer”! (Bleh.) Tyler V! (WTF was he?) Crazy Frank! (Yikes.) Steve! (Sweet.) Chris L. (YEAH!!!) Aryan Kirk! (YEAH!) John C! (The CZ paid off!) Chris “Orlando” N.!(Zzzzz…) Chris H. for HOTTIE! (YEAH!!!) Hunter! (BLECH – FAIL!) EASTER EGG! (WHHHHAAAAAT! This has to be a producer’s pick for ratings!) Weatherman! (Sunshine day!)

And now the final rose goes to… KASEY!!! HANS GRUBER COMES IN TO CLINCH THE LAST ROSE!

Awwww – let’s say goodbye to…

Maybe next time lay off the fish references around chicks.

NOT SHOOTER!!! NOOOO!

Sentenced to Eternal Bachelorhood without probation.

So that’s it! I have to admit I’m pretty engaged in the show. I don’t know if it’s because it feels like it’s constantly on the verge of something terrible or because of the surplus of hot guys – possibly both. But I definitely think she’s made the right choices so far. What do you all think? Favorite front-runners? Any guys you hate? Any of you trying to find Shooter on Facebook?! Let me hear it! Come on and DISH IT!!!