The Bachelorette, Part 1: Ashley’s Revenge!

Well, she’s back. Ashley Hebert, who fell hard for Brad Womack in the last season of “The Bachelor,” is back – and she’s on the rebound! I’m sure she won’t make the same mistakes Brad made, will find her soul mate in a matter of weeks and will live happily ever after. I mean, just look how things have worked out for Brad and Emily!

How’d that engagement work out for you, Brad?

We start with a recap her love story with Brad Womack, in which Ashley fell in love during a fairy tale romance, only to be dumped by his ass on national television. Ashley blames herself – she spent so much time fighting off her true feelings for Brad that it forced him to break up with her. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was dating several other women at the same time.

Now Ashley realizes you CAN find love on a reality TV show – and if she had just been more open and admitted she was in love… well, who knows what could have been? It’s too bad – she really regrets some of her actions and wonders what if…. Or at least, that’s the summary of her long, drawn out monologue that overlaps a series of shots of her reflecting on the past (or actually just staring off into space) and then performing some sort of interpretative dance.

I call this dance “Lost Love.”

That’s all in the past now. Ashley is moving on. She’s back at school, she’s treating dental patients and she’s dancing again. And according to monologue #2 (where she re-enacts inspirational scenes from “Rocky” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”), she’s on top of the world and ready to start dating again.

I’m king of the world!

Yep, Ashley is the new Bachelorette. She’s left her school, patients and dance studio to come back to Los Angeles – so that was quick. Not only does she get to live in a big orange house on top of a mountain, but she has her pick of 25 very desperate men to choose from. And this time, she’s open to love. Hope it all works out for her.

Based on the preview of tonight’s episode, she’s in for a real doosey. These guys all seem like real winners: a guy with a mask, a momma’s boy and a passed out drunk. But since it’s a very quick montage, I’m trying not to judge. Then we do another preview of the rest of the series – and it looks like Ashley may get her fairy tale love after all! Oh no wait – maybe not.

But I can’t recap based on anticipation, so let’s just meet our actors… uh, I mean, contestants… uh, I mean, bachelors. Chris Harrison is back to tell us about real love. If I were listening, I would tell you what he said.

Blah blah blah real love blah blah blah Ashley blah blah Brad blah blah blah contract I can’t get out of blah blah on “The Bachelorette.”

Chris introduces some of the men we’ll be meeting tonight. These dudes must be important to the season’s “storyline,” so pay attention!

Ryan P., 31, owns a solar energy business. He’s a great guy who’s trying to make the world a better place, one solar panel at a time. He’s extremely likeable until he says, “The only thing not sunny in my life is that I’m missing that special person,” then makes a heart shape with his hands directly in front of the sun to prove his point.

Maybe if I reach high enough I can capture the sun.

J.P., 34, is a construction manager who lives in New York. And since dating in NYC is a bitch, he’s come to Los Angeles to find true love. Cuz Los Angeles is a much easier place to find nice women than New York.

Nice pecs.

Ames, 31, is a portfolio manager in NYC. He’s super smart. He went to Yale, then got not one but two Master’s Degrees at Columbia, then followed that up with doctoral studies at Harvard. Now he travels the world for his job. But Ames is no geek – he’s a marathon runner. And he’s really hoping Ashley is the new Bachelorette, because they can make lots of money and have brilliant children together.

Weren’t the Reagan years the best?

Ben C., 28, is a lawyer from New Orleans. On a scale of one to ten of how romantic he is, Ben would give himself a 215. He plays piano, so he must be right.

Hope she likes men who brood.

Ben F, also 28, is a California winemaker. On a romance scale of one to ten, he’s a nine. No, I’m kidding. He wants a marriage that’s just like his wonderful parents’, although he’ll only date you if you’re a brunette.

Oh, cabernet. If I never find anyone to share my life with I’ll still always have you.

Bentley, 28 (you know what – it seems like all the guys are 28, so from this point forward I’m only gonna state their age if it’s something other than 28), is some sort of businessman who lives in Salt Lake City. He’s the divorced father of a daughter named Cozy. Yep, he named his kid Cozy. He’s a gem. According to Bentley, he has so much more to offer the Bachelorette than any other dude. But only if the Bachelorette is Emily. Oh, and if you watched the preview, he’s a total jerk.

Yep. You guessed it. I’m kinda a tool.

Anthony is a fourth generation butcher from New Jersey. And he’s total Jersey Shore, gold chain and all. Well, except for the fact he’s not a tool. He’s doing this show cuz it’s time to get married and make babies. He’s a really nice, down-to-earth guy whose only concern is that his future wife isn’t a vegetarian.

Go ahead. Tell me I look like The Situation one more time. I WILL punch you in the face.

West, 30, is yet another lawyer. Hope Ashley likes rich guys. One thing we can gather about West is he likes to run around without a shirt on. According to West, his wife had a seizure and drowned in their bathtub, and now he’s ready to murder get married to the next one.

Hey, meet my friend “Crazy Eyes” West.

William, 30, is a cell phone salesman. He has the worst luck – every girl Will has ever dated has directly moved on to marry the next man she met. Good for Ashley, bad for William. So Ladies, if you’re looking to meet “The One,” William lives in Galloway, Ohio. Just be willing to give it a couple of months.

Darn it! Why do these things always happen to me?

Oh, and William has a sad story – his father passed away from complications of alcoholism. The moment his dad died, his watch stopped – and William has never reset it. Looks like poor, defeated William may have a chance of getting a rose yet.

Ashley is finally chauffeured to the big orange house, where Chris interviews her. No, she never thought she’d be back as the Bachelorette. Yes, she regrets the mistakes she made on the last show. As she stated before, she’s ready to fall in love. And she hopes the guys will be happy it’s her standing there tonight and not Emily.

Wait till she meets Bentley.

Uh-oh. Turns out Ashley already knows about Bentley. It turns out her friend is friends with Bentley’s ex, who told her friend to tell Ashley that Bentley isn’t interested in finding love – he’s interested in being on the show for other reasons, like self-promotion! Can you believe that? A guy going on a dating show who’s not actually interested in finding true love? Uncanny.

But Ashley is willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Last time she made a fool of herself by closing herself off to love – and she learned her lesson. Now she’s going to wear her heart on her sleeve and just see what happens.

This time, I won’t be made a fool of!
(cough, cough)

It’s finally time for Ashley to meet the men. That’s good – cuz I imagine she’s probably pretty horny by now. She stands in the garden to greet the men as they arrive in limos. And it’s off to a good start. Ashley is very impressed with Ryan P. He is pretty hot. As long as he doesn’t make any heart-shaped fists, I think he’ll do ok tonight.

She’s not as impressed with Jon, an E-commerce executive. Ryan gets praised for his looks and all Jon gets is a compliment on his tie. So he uses his amazing personality to win Ashley over. “Can we just get to the honeymoon,” Jon says, while picking her up caveman style and carrying her across the garden.

Me don’t want you with no other man. Me want you all for me self!

Lucas, an oil field equipment distributer, looks extremely scared and runs off into the house after a brief hug. Then Ashley meets William, who actually cleans up pretty nicely. But his good first impression is ruined by informing Ashley he’s been hurt before and doesn’t want to get hurt again. No pressure.

Mickey, a chef, offers to give Ashley something “from all the men in America.” Reminiscent of the last season, Ashley pleads with Mickey not to slap her. But he has another idea. Mickey goes in for a kiss – which Ashley goes out of her way to avoid. Yeah, he’s not gonna make it.

You know what? I’d rather you slap me.

Tim is a liquor distributer from Long Beach, NY. He’s speechless. No, I mean, literally, he has nothing to say. Ashley brushed Tim off so she could meet the very romantic Ben C. He speaks in French to her, which she is completely impressed with. Score one for Ben C.

Stephen is the only straight hairstylist in Manhattan Beach. He just loves loves loves her hair color, so score one for Ashley, I guess. Chris D. is a sports marketing coordinator from Chicago. In an attempt to give her a creative introduction, Chris tells her he’s going to give her a creative introduction, then follows it up with some sort of rap or poem. I can’t tell. But if a guy tells you he’s about to be creative, he’s probably not going to be very creative.

West shows up with a shirt on, so that’s good. He gives her a broken compass. But there’s a reason for it. The compass constantly points west, so if she ever gets lost, she can find West. Get it?

The compass actually doesn’t work, so I better let you know I’m headed in that direction.

Anthony the butcher can charm the sequined dress off of any girl. You can tell by the way he moves. And that movement entails checking himself out in the tinted window, only to perform a perfectly choreographed turn to reveal his dark, handsome looks. His slow, sultry walk and open shirt tells us he’s not messing around with love. And he’s down-to-earth, cuz he admits to Ashley he’s actually a little nervous.

Technology executive Rob immediately compares his teeth to Brad’s teeth. The only way we’ll know if that actually worked is if she makes out with him later. Then smarty-pants Ames shows up with ballet tickets, which Ashley much appreciates. Then we meet Matt, an extremely nervous office supply salesman who teaches Ashley a secret handshake. Seriously, where do these guys come up with this stuff?

And then there’s this guy:

Hi, I’m Zorro. I’ll be your waiter for the mystery murder dinner theatre this evening.

Jeff, an “entrepreneur” from St. Louis, shows up wearing a black mask. I kid you not. This is what he decides to wear on national television. Why, you ask? Well, Jeff explains, he wants to take his face out of the competition so Ashley will decide to choose him on personality alone. And if that’s the case, I’m sure he won’t be getting a rose tonight.

Needless to say, the other guys think Jeff is a freak – and they let him know it by bullying him right off the bat. But Jeff is determined to make his point, whatever it is, so he doesn’t succumb to their taunts and leaves his mask on.

Wait – we still have 10 more bachelors to get to. And who do we meet next but Ben F., who shows up with his wine. It’s already corked, so he pours them each a glass right then and there. And it’s delicious. I’m so thirsty.

Next is Frank, a college admissions director. After a kiss on the hand, he twirls her into the air and ends their dance with a dip. And he’s actually pretty good. And by good I mean he doesn’t drop her.

And… scene!

Technology salesman Michael makes a joke about not liking to “see” his dentist – and it shows. Chris M. is Canadian, so if she chooses him she would get free health insurance and he’d get free dental work, so it’s a win-win. Next is Ryan M., a construction estimator. He brings his camera – just in case it doesn’t work out for him, he can at least tell his friends he met Ashley from “The Bachelorette.”

When we’re done can you take one of me and Chris Harrison?

J.P. shows up. God, he’s cute. He has nothing to offer her – no props, no cheesiness, no jokes – just his smile. His beautiful, heart-melting smile. I’m moving to New York. Unfortunately, J.P. has to move on to make way for Nick, a personal trainer. He looks like a good time. He has a poem, too. A funny poem that Ashley is forced to laugh at so she doesn’t look completely stand-offish.

Blake is a 27-year-old dentist – just like Ashley! Earlier Ashley told Chris Harrison she was excited to meet another dentist. And here he is! And he has all the personality of… a dentist.

Bentley is about to emerge from the car. Ashley knows all about Bentley. During her interview with Chris, Ashley revealed Bentley was here for all the wrong reasons. But as long as he’s not cute, she’ll be just fine, she stated. God, I hope he’s not hot. He better not be even good-looking. Because if he’s gorgeous, I may just have to ignore everything I’ve heard and let Bentley break my heart and…

Holy Jesus!

Bentley gives Ashley a hug, and she almost doesn’t let go. But unfortunately Bentley has all the personality of… well, a dentist, and after some meaningless chatter he’s sent to the house. Last but not least is Constantine, a restaurant owner from Atlanta. To make Ashley remember him, he pulls out some dental floss – but not for oral hygiene. Constantine ties a knot on her finger so she’ll remember him. It’s kind of cute. But just kind of.

Well, that’s all of them. And Ashley is impressed. There’s a few standouts already. Well, what are you waiting for, says Chris Harrison, go in there and meet your future husband!

She enters the party to a roomful of cheers.

Hooray! The stripper’s here!

She addresses the boys, telling them to be honest with their feelings and not to be afraid of falling in love. And William is right on it – he’s ready to marry her right now. Before she can mingle, Ryan P. steals her away for a little alone time. But not to make out – to tell her how successful he is. It works. She’s already smitten.

So far no gratuitous make-out scenes – while it’s refreshing to see that Ashley’s not slutty, there’s not much interesting about her conversations. Well, except for the guy whose mom got on the phone and asked Ashley to use protection when banging her son.

The guys try all kinds of things to get her attention – like pretending to play guitar to serenade her. But once psycho gets her alone he admits he can’t play and throws his guitar into the pool.

I hope you know you’ll be billed for that.

The less arrogant guys complain about the crazy antics some use to get Ashley’s attention. But everyone has issues with Jeff, the guy in the mask. Is he making a statement about how we judge others in society? Or is he just a weirdo? Regardless, there’s a tense moment where Tim won’t let him sit at their table. And if he could think of something clever to say, he’d throw a real zinger Jeff’s way. But he’s a man of no words, so all Tim can do is create a barrier between them with a couch pillow. In your face, mask man!

You can’t come into my fort.

And so it begins. Twenty-five grown men are about to act like high-school cheerleaders to gain the love of yet another reality star we’ll soon forget about. And it’s not even over. There’s a part two to this episode. Another half-hour of pure non-sexual man-on-man drama is coming your way. Hope you can handle it…