The Bachelorette Recap : 12 Things I Hate About You

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Wednesday, June 20, 2012 | 7:00 pm | 12 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

So this was the week we were suppose to KICK IT UP A NOTCH folks, and that doesn’t mean I’m writing things in all caps in the entire time….or maybe it does, I won’t do that to you because this episode is painful as is, even without letters that infer yelling. Last week we learned that Emily was sweeping these men off their Men’s Warehouse feet and taking them to CROATIA! A place Emily had probably never heard of, and I keep misspelling. The show opens with Emily taking on the new country sans Ricki, you see Emily tells us Ricki has gone back to Charlotte with her babysitter, ya know the school probably didn’t look too fondly upon a child following her mother around Europe so her mom could find another fiancee. The guys arrive and they are excited, Jef tells us it’s the perfect place to fall in love….with a dude. Ok, he doesn’t say the last part, he just thinks it.

There is no time to worry about Jef’s sexuality because the guys check into their hotel which looks very identical to their last hotels but whatever Emily arrives right away and shows up with a date card for Travis. I know what you’re thinking WHO? Well he has a bad hair line and he looks like the poor man’s Doug. Emily and Travis take off to explore the city where Em fact checks him on her Croatia travel guide, as they walk through the city Emily tells him, 1,000 people live in the walls!

They stop for ice cream where Emily obviously doesn’t have a travel book to help her make her choice, so she picks pistachio, ew. Emily tells us that she feels like she can have so much fun with Travis, that she is just having the BEST time. How can someone have the BEST time with every guy they go out with? Oh well, Travis informs us he is having a great time on this date, in fact if he had to rate it, he would give the date an 11! But I smell trouble in Croatia, because it’s time for the night time portion of their date, and it’s in some creepy cave. These never end well, remember Nate? Yea me neither. Travis and Emily meet up for dinner in the pouring rain and Emily tells us she is really looking for romance tonight, Emily says romance about 8 times in one sentence so we can only assume Travis is toast. Travis tells Emily that this the best date he has had since he was engaged, not going to lie talking about your ex fiancee is a bit of a turn off. However, in true Emily form she grills him for awhile about his engagement and who he has dated since. Poor Travis kinda seems like he is on a job interview and it doesn’t look like he’s gonna get the job.

Emily tells Travis that this is probably going to work out and that she cannot give him the final rose. WEAK. Travis gracefully leaves, umbrella in hand and walks into the cold rainy night of Croatia, was it really cold? Who cares, sounds better that way. Let’s be honest we saw this one coming, and I’m surprised Travis didn’t see it as well. Travis seems pretty pissed so he throws his umbrella into the rain and cries his way back to the US of A. Hey at least we have zoning here that doesn’t require every house roof to be painted red, what’s up with that Croatia?

Meanwhile back at the hotel de how the hell do you take off 2 months from a sales job to go on a dating show?? the men are contemplating who will receive the second group date. And how serendipitous, the date card arrives with the group date players. After ticking off the names of the guys who WILL be going on the date the geniuses figure out that Ryan’s name was not listed so the guys do a collective groan as Ryan smiles at himself in the mirror. The guys assemble for their group date, where they meet up with Emily at the only movie theater in the whole country. Because there is nothing better than going to a movie with 6 dudes. Obviously ABC wasn’t going to do us any favors and let us watch some home movies of Lerone as a child, god damn it Emily why did you get rid of him week one….oh wait, I know why. Anyway, I digress, ABC gets their chance to shamelessly plug that PIXAR movie Brave, and Emily makes the guys watch it with her in this awkwardly bright theater. I can only imagine that Doug’s son is going to be pissed that his Dad saw this movie without him. The guys pretend to be entertained, but they aren’t fooling my trick ass. And because there is now way to tie in the whole concept of this movie to the date ABC gets creative. Apparently in the movie there is a Bravery Competition where the men are pitted against each other, so Emily sets the guys up to do the same, essentially it’s a Mid-evil Times style fight, only more douchey and pointless, if that’s possible.

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12 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 12:56 am

    I think Chris Hostdouchison was so engrossed in hitting on that production assistant (“Say,” he says, “You’d make a great Bachelorette) that he missed the this-is-the-final-rose-no-shit-because-it’s-the-only-one-left line. He clearly was surprised to see Em standing there with the rose. Oh yes.

    And then he got all confused and flustered. Wait, he thought, maybe that rose is for me? That’s why he turned all orange.

    Usually on dates, they give them fancy sports cars to drive — it was great they gave Ryan that beaten down Soviet-era clunker instead. I’ll miss him, though, because this show is at its best in the phase before they weed out all of the douchebags and tools and weirdo foot-fetishers.

    Because now we’re left with — what? Gay Mormon Jef can’t carry this show on his shoulders alone. Arie is too much of a moron (seriously, this guy seems really slow), and the others are just so damn boring. You’d think the ‘roid twins (Sean and Doug) might provide a bit of a spark?

    I’m starting to understand why Doug’s wife dumped him. We change our floor mats regularly too.

    At least Em looked really sweet in her own little kilt get up. Finally. With the massive clothes budget she had, why does she always look so bad?

  2. 2
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

    @ToughIssues Even in the middle of LMAO watching this I was so glad for you! That you finally got a funny episode to recap!

    I think you nailed it. That not a 1 of them had ever heard of Dubrovnik. Or even Croatia. Much less the Braemar games.

    So they didn’t have any way of knowing those happen in Scotland. Even though they’d just got through watching a movie that set in old timey Scotland. That had Braemar style games in it. And computer puppets with kilts on.

    I don’t know where ABC got that about riding donkeys into battle. Somebody smart’s going to have to come tell us. My guess is they just made it up. Because they never heard of Lipizzaner horses either. Plus I bet donkeys are cheaper.

    Croatia’s gotten popular with USA tourists. Since times changed there aren’t that many so competition’s cranked up. Which is how come everywhere’s put in those resort places. Where everything’ll be just like if they went to a hotel in Florida. Or Iowa. With tater tots and tuna melts carried up to their room in English only. And a bedspread specially imported all the way from Walmart.

    1 thing I noticed this week is they’re making sure all the kiss scenes come in real close on Emily’s Miracle Gro lips.

    (I don’t know how the ratings are doing. But somebody’s put out a story about how Ricki’s grandparents on the baby daddy side are real mad she went on the show. And took Ricki out of school to put her on it too. They’re still sending Emily $ though)

  3. 3
    melange
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Pistachio is the yummiest ice cream flavor EVER, especially if it doesn’t have nuts in it. A close second is spumoni, which is cherry/pistachio/chocolate. Delicious!

    Travis was doomed: Emily handed him the date card like it was an apology. TI didn’t mention the weird love/luck/balance/undressing rock on their date. Why are these guys so shy? I mean, shy can be good – give me shy over Ryan-level doucheitude any day – but if you’re looking for a romantic connection you have to stoke the fire a bit.

    Ryan was the hired ass, in addition to all those donkeys. Now he’s all prepped and ready for Bachelor Pad.

    It’s obvious how Arie found out where Emily was staying: he just looked for the giant puckered fish lips. How’d he sneak out, though? Aren’t those guys always stuck together in the hotel room?

    All this Arie boning a producer business is a red herring. I’m calling the final 3: Jef, Arie, and Sean, with Arie in the final 2.

  4. 4
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    @melange: Oh how I hope you’re correct about the red herring…I ADORE Arie. He’s got a kick ass sense of humor and they have chemistry.

    I was a little confused as to how Doug was almost booted (I’ve always thought he was a front-runner), but I’m glad to see him back in it. John-Wolf has GOT to go, as well as cute little Jef (now THERE’S a dainty guy). I have a couple (male) friends I could hook him up with…

  5. 5
    bitchristine
    Posted June 23, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I think the guys looked hot in those kilts. Anyway…

    Even though he was fun becasue he was the resident jackass, I’m glad that Ryan is gone. He is insufferable. And cloying. I’m glad she had enough sense to kick him tot he curb becasue he no doubt would have been failed fiance #3 (not to say any of the rest might be). Hello turquoise loafers. During their last dinner together he was reminding me of Aziz Ansari.

    Does anyone else think that Arie looks peaked most of the time?

  6. 6
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted July 3, 2012 at 6:20 am

    What happened to the recaps of this debacle?? Nothing from last week….

  7. 7
    melange
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Nor this week. Looks like ToughIssues ran into some… issues?

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 12:03 am

    She’s probably still asleep. Most Boring Season Ever.

  9. 9
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 9:26 am

    She disappeared!!

  10. 10
    Joey
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Oh, no!! I missed the July 2 show and I was counting on catching up by this forum!!! Tonight Emily made a poor choice!!! She should have kept Sean!

  11. 11
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 8:18 am

    I realize this my fault for coming here in the first place, but THANKS FOR THE SPOILER, JOEY!!! Jeez!!!

  12. 12
    Joey
    Posted July 23, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Hey, Helena! Just in case you didn’t know: Emily is the next Sister Wife!

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