The Bachelorette Recap : 12 Things I Hate About You

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Wednesday, June 20, 2012 | 7:00 pm | 12 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

I’ll be honest, I zoned out about during this part, but all you need to know is the guys wore kilts, Jef never looked better, and we were reminded that Sean is probably doping. Emily then bestows the Bravery Cup to guy that impressed her the most, since Chris hasn’t gotten any play since they climbed that roof in Charlotte and she found out he’s only 25 she gives the Cup to him! The Bravery Cup doesn’t do shit, ie there isn’t a rose involved so who cares.

Emily meets up with the guys for their night time portion and enjoys some quality one on one time with each of them. Sean doesn’t seem to mind that he didn’t get the Bravery Cup, and he’s not afraid to tell us that. Perhaps it’s because it didn’t mean shit, but whatever. Emily catches up with Arie where he continues to bring up the whole Kalon being an asshole thing, and them not telling her, cmon A, you are beating a dead douche here. Arie and Emily do seem to have the best rapport though and they have a hot make out session in a Croatia back alley, typical date. I feel good about this guy though, he might have this in the bag. Emily checks in with Jef who insists she put on his sweater, because it’s cold, and it makes her look a little more like a dude. Emily tells Jef she’s starting to feel really good about their progress. And he tells her it’s getting easier to pretend she’s actually Chris Harrison. Emily continues to grill him about why it took so long for them to finally kiss, and I think we all know the answer to this. Jef and Emily share a light make out and Jef tells us he is really, really likes Emily. Finally Emily hangs with Chris, I’m sorry he’s not 25, if he’s 25 I’m 12. Chris is hot though and he tells Emily that he’s in it to win it, but not in a trophy wife kinda way so Emily decides to give him the rose! This is kinda nice, this guy deserves a little more play.

Meanwhile back at the HOE-tel Ryan is enjoying some alone time and prepping for his one on one date. Ryan knows that he has got this in the bag, and he finds out he’ll be enjoying a road trip, Croatia style with Emily. Emily is excited to go out with Ryan although she admits he often throws her for a loop with his attitude. Emily has Ryan take the wheel on their driving tour, where he informs her he’s not really a safe driver, exactly the kinda thing a mom wants to hear! Good going Ryan. Ryan and Emily seem to enjoy their day together though, they stop to self take pictures, and check out some oysters. Emily tries an oyster and we find out, she’s a spittttter. Good to know, she just lost a few points in Ryan’s belt. Meanwhile Emily says she is kinda having an ok time with dbag Ryan, but then he drops the trophy wife phrase again and Emily is annoyed. I mean I’m pretty sure her high school career aptitude test said “Trophy Wife” orrrr “Twice Engaged at 26″.

There is not time to worry about Emily’s careers because it’s time for their semi-circle dinner table, which in an awkward twist, Emily is dressed in a gold ensemble, much like a trophy. Ryan attempts to make some conversation but that isn’t going anywhere fast so he pulls out this LIST, you see in his down time while the other clowns were at the movies Ryan made a quick check list of the 12 qualities he needs in a wife and it’s time to see if Emily matches up with any of these.

The list includes but not limited to, loyal, logical (good at math because he can’t multply past 4), an encourager, faithful, nurturer, confident, magnetic (he THINKS she has that!), servant, unselfish, beautiful, someone who catches my eye. Emily thanks him for the list but tells him that this list is a reminder that she often feels she is trying to fit a mold with him, and she doesn’t think their lists would ever match up. Emily thanks Ryan for his time, but says she can’t give him the rose. Oh snaaaap. Ryan doesn’t take this sitting down, because he remains sitting down. Ryan tries to uneliminate himself by telling Emily how shocked he is, and that he’s saddened. Emily almost looks like she is going to waver on this but she stays true to her decision to eliminate his a-hole. Ryan blabbers on about decisions, and time telling, and his strategic shaving pattern. Ryan exits but tells us Emily won’t find love on this show, and that he looks forward to seeing the guys again. Ryan tells us some of the greatest men in the world fall down, but they get back out, and Ryan hopes the way he is portrayed the way he really is, not doubt their buddy. Later much…I kinda miss him already.

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12 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 12:56 am

    I think Chris Hostdouchison was so engrossed in hitting on that production assistant (“Say,” he says, “You’d make a great Bachelorette) that he missed the this-is-the-final-rose-no-shit-because-it’s-the-only-one-left line. He clearly was surprised to see Em standing there with the rose. Oh yes.

    And then he got all confused and flustered. Wait, he thought, maybe that rose is for me? That’s why he turned all orange.

    Usually on dates, they give them fancy sports cars to drive — it was great they gave Ryan that beaten down Soviet-era clunker instead. I’ll miss him, though, because this show is at its best in the phase before they weed out all of the douchebags and tools and weirdo foot-fetishers.

    Because now we’re left with — what? Gay Mormon Jef can’t carry this show on his shoulders alone. Arie is too much of a moron (seriously, this guy seems really slow), and the others are just so damn boring. You’d think the ‘roid twins (Sean and Doug) might provide a bit of a spark?

    I’m starting to understand why Doug’s wife dumped him. We change our floor mats regularly too.

    At least Em looked really sweet in her own little kilt get up. Finally. With the massive clothes budget she had, why does she always look so bad?

  2. 2
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

    @ToughIssues Even in the middle of LMAO watching this I was so glad for you! That you finally got a funny episode to recap!

    I think you nailed it. That not a 1 of them had ever heard of Dubrovnik. Or even Croatia. Much less the Braemar games.

    So they didn’t have any way of knowing those happen in Scotland. Even though they’d just got through watching a movie that set in old timey Scotland. That had Braemar style games in it. And computer puppets with kilts on.

    I don’t know where ABC got that about riding donkeys into battle. Somebody smart’s going to have to come tell us. My guess is they just made it up. Because they never heard of Lipizzaner horses either. Plus I bet donkeys are cheaper.

    Croatia’s gotten popular with USA tourists. Since times changed there aren’t that many so competition’s cranked up. Which is how come everywhere’s put in those resort places. Where everything’ll be just like if they went to a hotel in Florida. Or Iowa. With tater tots and tuna melts carried up to their room in English only. And a bedspread specially imported all the way from Walmart.

    1 thing I noticed this week is they’re making sure all the kiss scenes come in real close on Emily’s Miracle Gro lips.

    (I don’t know how the ratings are doing. But somebody’s put out a story about how Ricki’s grandparents on the baby daddy side are real mad she went on the show. And took Ricki out of school to put her on it too. They’re still sending Emily $ though)

  3. 3
    melange
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Pistachio is the yummiest ice cream flavor EVER, especially if it doesn’t have nuts in it. A close second is spumoni, which is cherry/pistachio/chocolate. Delicious!

    Travis was doomed: Emily handed him the date card like it was an apology. TI didn’t mention the weird love/luck/balance/undressing rock on their date. Why are these guys so shy? I mean, shy can be good – give me shy over Ryan-level doucheitude any day – but if you’re looking for a romantic connection you have to stoke the fire a bit.

    Ryan was the hired ass, in addition to all those donkeys. Now he’s all prepped and ready for Bachelor Pad.

    It’s obvious how Arie found out where Emily was staying: he just looked for the giant puckered fish lips. How’d he sneak out, though? Aren’t those guys always stuck together in the hotel room?

    All this Arie boning a producer business is a red herring. I’m calling the final 3: Jef, Arie, and Sean, with Arie in the final 2.

  4. 4
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    @melange: Oh how I hope you’re correct about the red herring…I ADORE Arie. He’s got a kick ass sense of humor and they have chemistry.

    I was a little confused as to how Doug was almost booted (I’ve always thought he was a front-runner), but I’m glad to see him back in it. John-Wolf has GOT to go, as well as cute little Jef (now THERE’S a dainty guy). I have a couple (male) friends I could hook him up with…

  5. 5
    bitchristine
    Posted June 23, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I think the guys looked hot in those kilts. Anyway…

    Even though he was fun becasue he was the resident jackass, I’m glad that Ryan is gone. He is insufferable. And cloying. I’m glad she had enough sense to kick him tot he curb becasue he no doubt would have been failed fiance #3 (not to say any of the rest might be). Hello turquoise loafers. During their last dinner together he was reminding me of Aziz Ansari.

    Does anyone else think that Arie looks peaked most of the time?

  6. 6
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted July 3, 2012 at 6:20 am

    What happened to the recaps of this debacle?? Nothing from last week….

  7. 7
    melange
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Nor this week. Looks like ToughIssues ran into some… issues?

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 12:03 am

    She’s probably still asleep. Most Boring Season Ever.

  9. 9
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 9:26 am

    She disappeared!!

  10. 10
    Joey
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Oh, no!! I missed the July 2 show and I was counting on catching up by this forum!!! Tonight Emily made a poor choice!!! She should have kept Sean!

  11. 11
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 8:18 am

    I realize this my fault for coming here in the first place, but THANKS FOR THE SPOILER, JOEY!!! Jeez!!!

  12. 12
    Joey
    Posted July 23, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Hey, Helena! Just in case you didn’t know: Emily is the next Sister Wife!

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