The Bachelorette Recap : 12 Things I Hate About You

The Bachelorette

By ToughIssues | Wednesday, June 20, 2012 | 7:00 pm | 12 Comments
Posted in: Recaps, The Bachelorette

When the guys back at the Dew Drop Inn see the tell tale sign of a bag being removed from the hallway, they know Ryan is a goner. It’s basically the cannon sound on The Hunger Games in this world of Bachelorette. The guys are elated and celebrate by throwing down in the hotel, and by throwing down I mean Arie ducks out to go check on our dear Trop– I mean Emily. Emily is excited for find Arie standing out in front of her Croatia abode, which, is she staying in a hostel? What is this? There is like a 5 by 5 mirror and bed spread from Walmart. Emily and Arie talk out the departure of Ryan, where Arie tells her he is thankful she is such a good judgment of character. Someone needs to clue her in to notorious Jef. Arie and Emily seem to really like each other and Emily foreshadows the rest of Croatia by telling Arie that next week is going to be really fun, does that mean he will be staying!? Ah! I can’t contain my excitement. 

Ok, it’s 6 hours later, and it’s ELIMINATION TIME bitchesssss. The guys meet in another Gothic castle and at first I think we are going to squeeze in another viewing of a Pixar movie, but alas. Emily shows up dressed like a box of Sno-Caps and she informs us these nights are getting harder when it comes time to trim the fat. Em goes real talk on us and tells us she will probably send John aka Wolf or Doug home. She starts the night with a check in with John who tells Emily he has been holding out on a big secret, even from his parents…wait isn’t Jef going to have this conversation with her…kidding. John shows Emily the funeral cards of his grandparents, who he loves, and he realizes it’s the 9 year anniversary of his grandfather having a heart attack, note he didn’t say he died that day….I’ve been doing too much reading comprehension for the GRE, I’m over analyzing everything. Anyway, this is enough to impress Emily, she said she had a lot of questions about John but she is feeling better about him. On to the other guy on the chopping block, and it’s Doug. Emily has felt less of a connection with Doug lately, and he struggles to put her arm around him.

Emily tells Doug she wants to be pursued and Doug is sweating like Jef before a make out session. Maybe Doug is just awkward but this isn’t going too well, and Emily tells him she loves that he’s humble, but he needs to assert himself more. I don’t feel good about this poor guy’s fate.

Oh well, not time to worry about Doug, it’s elimination time. Emily spends about 45 seconds staring at their pictures, and trying to remember their names…is there an Alessandro here? Oh I got rid of him right? Emily returns with her decisions made, and the roses in order…now remember CHRIS is safe, so it’s Sean, Jef, and Arie…and then NO ONE. Emily can’t make a decision so she ducks out back to talk to her bf Harrison who is busy trying to score blow from a local…or hit on a producer, maybe both. Emily makes a mumble request and Harrison agrees wholeheartedly. Now if you are on the fence on whether this was a COMPLETE set up let me tell you how I know it was, Emily was on her final rose, at which point Harrison is suppose to appear and tell us it’s the FINAL rose, but he didn’t. Fake, fake, fake. But who cares, it’s a tv show. So Emily returns to the guys and tells us her heart is torn, she can’t make a decision…and enter the room HARRISON, with ANOTHER rose!!! Emily gives the roses to John aka who cares and Doug E. He’ll be gone next week. So we lost Travis and Ryan this week, not bad! And Emily informs us next stop Prague! More cities Emily didn’t know about pre-Bachelorette, so stay tuned folks, let’s be hones, it’s lackluster however the teaser alleges that Emily is going to find out Arie had a relationship with a producer on the show, finally something we can really talk crap on….stay with me fans!

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12 Comments

  1. 1
    itchy itchy
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 12:56 am

    I think Chris Hostdouchison was so engrossed in hitting on that production assistant (“Say,” he says, “You’d make a great Bachelorette) that he missed the this-is-the-final-rose-no-shit-because-it’s-the-only-one-left line. He clearly was surprised to see Em standing there with the rose. Oh yes.

    And then he got all confused and flustered. Wait, he thought, maybe that rose is for me? That’s why he turned all orange.

    Usually on dates, they give them fancy sports cars to drive — it was great they gave Ryan that beaten down Soviet-era clunker instead. I’ll miss him, though, because this show is at its best in the phase before they weed out all of the douchebags and tools and weirdo foot-fetishers.

    Because now we’re left with — what? Gay Mormon Jef can’t carry this show on his shoulders alone. Arie is too much of a moron (seriously, this guy seems really slow), and the others are just so damn boring. You’d think the ‘roid twins (Sean and Doug) might provide a bit of a spark?

    I’m starting to understand why Doug’s wife dumped him. We change our floor mats regularly too.

    At least Em looked really sweet in her own little kilt get up. Finally. With the massive clothes budget she had, why does she always look so bad?

  2. 2
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

    @ToughIssues Even in the middle of LMAO watching this I was so glad for you! That you finally got a funny episode to recap!

    I think you nailed it. That not a 1 of them had ever heard of Dubrovnik. Or even Croatia. Much less the Braemar games.

    So they didn’t have any way of knowing those happen in Scotland. Even though they’d just got through watching a movie that set in old timey Scotland. That had Braemar style games in it. And computer puppets with kilts on.

    I don’t know where ABC got that about riding donkeys into battle. Somebody smart’s going to have to come tell us. My guess is they just made it up. Because they never heard of Lipizzaner horses either. Plus I bet donkeys are cheaper.

    Croatia’s gotten popular with USA tourists. Since times changed there aren’t that many so competition’s cranked up. Which is how come everywhere’s put in those resort places. Where everything’ll be just like if they went to a hotel in Florida. Or Iowa. With tater tots and tuna melts carried up to their room in English only. And a bedspread specially imported all the way from Walmart.

    1 thing I noticed this week is they’re making sure all the kiss scenes come in real close on Emily’s Miracle Gro lips.

    (I don’t know how the ratings are doing. But somebody’s put out a story about how Ricki’s grandparents on the baby daddy side are real mad she went on the show. And took Ricki out of school to put her on it too. They’re still sending Emily $ though)

  3. 3
    melange
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Pistachio is the yummiest ice cream flavor EVER, especially if it doesn’t have nuts in it. A close second is spumoni, which is cherry/pistachio/chocolate. Delicious!

    Travis was doomed: Emily handed him the date card like it was an apology. TI didn’t mention the weird love/luck/balance/undressing rock on their date. Why are these guys so shy? I mean, shy can be good – give me shy over Ryan-level doucheitude any day – but if you’re looking for a romantic connection you have to stoke the fire a bit.

    Ryan was the hired ass, in addition to all those donkeys. Now he’s all prepped and ready for Bachelor Pad.

    It’s obvious how Arie found out where Emily was staying: he just looked for the giant puckered fish lips. How’d he sneak out, though? Aren’t those guys always stuck together in the hotel room?

    All this Arie boning a producer business is a red herring. I’m calling the final 3: Jef, Arie, and Sean, with Arie in the final 2.

  4. 4
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    @melange: Oh how I hope you’re correct about the red herring…I ADORE Arie. He’s got a kick ass sense of humor and they have chemistry.

    I was a little confused as to how Doug was almost booted (I’ve always thought he was a front-runner), but I’m glad to see him back in it. John-Wolf has GOT to go, as well as cute little Jef (now THERE’S a dainty guy). I have a couple (male) friends I could hook him up with…

  5. 5
    bitchristine
    Posted June 23, 2012 at 10:18 am

    I think the guys looked hot in those kilts. Anyway…

    Even though he was fun becasue he was the resident jackass, I’m glad that Ryan is gone. He is insufferable. And cloying. I’m glad she had enough sense to kick him tot he curb becasue he no doubt would have been failed fiance #3 (not to say any of the rest might be). Hello turquoise loafers. During their last dinner together he was reminding me of Aziz Ansari.

    Does anyone else think that Arie looks peaked most of the time?

  6. 6
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted July 3, 2012 at 6:20 am

    What happened to the recaps of this debacle?? Nothing from last week….

  7. 7
    melange
    Posted July 7, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Nor this week. Looks like ToughIssues ran into some… issues?

  8. 8
    itchy itchy
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 12:03 am

    She’s probably still asleep. Most Boring Season Ever.

  9. 9
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted July 8, 2012 at 9:26 am

    She disappeared!!

  10. 10
    Joey
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    Oh, no!! I missed the July 2 show and I was counting on catching up by this forum!!! Tonight Emily made a poor choice!!! She should have kept Sean!

  11. 11
    Helena Handbasket
    Posted July 10, 2012 at 8:18 am

    I realize this my fault for coming here in the first place, but THANKS FOR THE SPOILER, JOEY!!! Jeez!!!

  12. 12
    Joey
    Posted July 23, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    Hey, Helena! Just in case you didn’t know: Emily is the next Sister Wife!

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