The Bachelorette: The B-Word

Monday’s episode starts with an unnecessary and long recap about how Ashley thought Bentley was “sincere” and  her “guy.” She’s a delusional little munchkin, isn’t she? No clue that her ass got played. In fact, her ass is still getting plizz-ayed, because she still seems desperate and despondent about the whole situation. I don’t feel sorry for her. I feel sick. Hindsight’s 20/20 and we’ve all been played, I’m sure, and I can be an armchair quarterback all I want… but it is pretty ridiculous to be suicidal over knowing some guy for just a couple of weeks. I mean, being suicidal over a guy is never a good thing, but all of this — the hope, the love, the heartache — is all in Ashley’s head. Whatever. I’m getting annoyed. I can’t deal with this.

That’s a whole lot of crazy in one little picture…

Chris Harrison calls the “fellas” into the living room to remind them how serious Ashley is about finding her man. He says there’s going to be typical two one-on-one dates plus a group date. But there’s no date card today. Because…. pack your bags, ya’ll, you’re goin’ to Thailand! He was less excited than that, but you get that this is an exciting development. To underscore all that, Chris calls it “the mother of all road trips.” Chris H., if you’ve found a way to road trip from L.A. to Thailand, your skills are being wasted hosting a reality show, buddy.

Oh hey, I didn’t know Bentley would be in Thailand, too.

Pygmy hits Thailand ready to focus on not focusing on Bentley. But as she tours the country in her ladyboy outfit, she can’t help but wonder what it would be like if Bentley were there with her. Something tells me it would be a nightmarescape of hookers, tears and low self-esteem. Pygmy goes to the concierge of the hotel and proudly informs her that she needs to plan a date for 12 men. “Oh my god,” the concierge whispers, horrified.

“Thank you for coming to my place of business dressed like a hooker.”

After realizing that there will be no train-running with the dirty dozen, Concierge Lady suggests that for ultimate romance they take a kayak to a hidden “LAH-goon.” 12 guys in a kayak sounds like a bit much, so Pygmy goes with Constantine, a guy we haven’t seen much of so far. He’s tall with shaggy brown hair and he looks like the long-lost brother of Ben F.

Pygmy and Constantine meet up near the docks when a grizzled, old sea captain limps up to them on his wooden leg and begins to gesticulate wildly as he speaks to them in Thai. They’re confused. Eventually, the man switches to English and tells them that the weather’s too bad for them to go out on the boat. I couldn’t help but wonder if the old salt suddenly began speaking English or if that line was dubbed in after the fact. Like that was one of the intern’s duties — to pretend to speak English with a Thai accent. Put that on your resume, kid.

Lost in translation.

Pygmy’s pretty bummed that the boat thing didn’t work out, but she’s just in a bummy mood. She’s in one of those moods where you just want to hate everything and everybody and if she wasn’t contractually forced to pretend to date these other losers — these non-Bentleys — she’d be at home, watching Judge Jeanine Pirro and crumbling Lucky Charms over a carton of ice cream.

But Constantine is there and he came to date Little Miss Sunshine, not Little Miss Melancholy. Plus, he seems to be a pretty positive guy and he’s going to make the most of his situation so he drags Mopey around Phuket and they walk in and out of shops and chatter away and get marriage advice from an old Thai man who says the key to a good marriage is forgiving, forgetting and not trying to win. Good advice! He can be the new Chris Harrison.

Later, Constantine and Pygmy have dinner on the beach and when I wake up from the coma they put me in, she’s telling him how strong her feelings for Bentley were. O.Em.Gee. If Brad Womack had said the very same thing to Ashley when she was a Bachelor contestant about Emily or Chantal, she would have immediately imploded and ended up in a puddle of insecurity. Honestly, prior to this episode I thought Ashley was pretty, fun, and all around adorable. But now — she’s a selfish bitch. Get over yourself! All of these guys who claim to be serious about her need to look into the future, see a whole lot of crazy coming their way, and take themselves out of the running.

Anyway, blah blah blah… Pygmy needs Constantine to reassure her that he likes her and she rewards his loyalty with a rose and tells us that “hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again.”

During this date, the boys back at the hotel were talking about how many of them have kissed Ashley. Adorable construction manager JP is surprised to find out that pretty much all of the guys have sucked face with the Pygmy and his ass is “chapped” about it. Your ass probably isn’t chapped JP, but I imagine Ashley’s lips are. Oh! Zing! I imagine JP’s ass is firm but soft, with a light coating of pale fuzz all over it….

Moving along. Another rainy day dawns in Phuket and Ashley’s still roaming the city with Bentley on her mind and tiny, tiny shorts on her butt. At this point in my notes I wrote “If she says ‘Bentley’ one more time, the TV goes out the window.” She said it many more times, but alas, I could not bear to throw the TV out. I’m still paying it off, so that would just be stupid. Almost as stupid as paying interest on a product I don’t need. Capitalism…

So Pygmy meets up with her 12 studs who aren’t Bentley and tells them that they’re going to be renovating an orphanage that houses Thai kids who lost their parents in the 2004 tsunami. Gosh. It seems way more recent than that. This is a good activity and even though Pygmy was too busy moping to be of use to anyone, all of the guys give her credit for planning an awesome date.

All of the boys work hard, cleaning and painting and hauling things around. All of the boys except for Ryan, who has started to pluck everyone’s nerves by being perpetually happy and bossy. I can see how he ended up being a CEO. He looks very busy and yet he doesn’t actually accomplish anything. This is a must-have skill for any boss.

Hardly working.

Ashley is annoyed, too, but not at Ryan. She seems a little peeved that no one is talking or flirting with her. She questions JP about it and he shrugs before going back to his charity work. She wanders around until she comes to Ben F., who is painting a truly heinous mural on a wall. She joins him and is finally entertained by drawing color flowers everywhere.

Someone needs to invest in art school.

Later, the little orphans come to check everything out and give their seal of approval and were generally grateful for all of the work and the toys that the tall pale faces brought, but they were confused by why the American men also brought a child and why that child was dressed in clothes that were too small for her.

It’s a hard knock life…

Later, everyone got dressed up — which for Ashley mean putting a sweater on over her bikini, which, if it’s cold enough for a sweater, it’s too cold to not have pants on, right? And they headed to some awesome bar in the sand. Ashley pulled Ben F. to the side first and she tells him how difficult last week was for her; it was more difficult than most people understand. Ugh. At least she didn’t say the B-word. Anyway, she finally shuts up because Ben is kissing her and she says she felt it in an emotional way. While they make out, the other guys are gathering round and complaining about Ryan. William just thinks the rest of the boys are intimidated by Ryan because he’s so clearly going to be in the top four. Really, William? I don’t know about that. Ryan has a slight whiff of crazy about him. It’s a stench I’m very familiar with.

While all the Ryan-hating is going on, Ryan is telling Pygmy how great he’s getting along with everyone else. LOL. He fits the typical reality show profile: clueless and delusional. He tells her that he feels for and thinks she’s beautiful and Ashley thinks this means they have a connection.

JP is the next guy Ash spends some QT with. Even though it’s raining, they go sit in the sand and JP holds an umbrella up and says that the charity project changed his life, regardless of what happens next. Ashley wants to know why he said “regardless.” Ach. She is so friggin’ needy! Cannot stand.

JP asks if Ashley is she’s getting wet. Which. Wow. JP. Yes. They do some serious making out in the rain, in the sand, on a beach in Thailand and someone remind me why I didn’t audition for this show, please. Ashley says it was magical and were by far the best kisses yet. I believe it.

JP carries her back to the other guys at the bar and they’re all looking a bit stressed by this development. And they should be. Because:

Later, as Ashley’s about to give away the group date rose, Ryan asks if he can steal her away again, further irritating the other guys who label him a “goober.” Only goobers use that word, though. Anyway, Ryan has absolutely nothing to say to the Pygmy other than “I’m looking forward to spending more time with you.” That was a lame dating move, but a brilliant mindfuck for the other guys.

“So what did you need to tell me?” “Oh, um, yeah. That I like your hair?”

So, it’s time for Ashley to give away the rose and she talks and talks and talks about why she’s giving it to this particular guy and she really drones on for way too long before giving it to Ben F., leaving Ryan and JP looking bummed. I miss Brad Womack. He had trouble stringing two sentences together, but at least he didn’t go on forever and ever.

The final one-on-one date goes to Ames, and Ashley finally gets to take the hotel concierge’s advice for having the most romantical date evuh. Ames says he’s been to Thailand a few times, but he’s always gone alone and now he’s ready to experience it with someone else. I know what you’re thinking: sex tourist. But Ames says the last time he went was to take cooking classes and it was a spur-of-the-moment decision. Not gonna lie. That’s pretty cool.

So Ash and Ames take a boat to some gorgeous islands and then kayak through a system of caves, into a lagoon and onto a beach where they have fruit and wine.

This looks like the most amazing date of all time. Ames says he’s been to 70 countries and this is the most dramatic thing he’s ever seen. He also tells Ashley about picking up a girl in a shoe store. He may seem buttoned up and reserved, but I’m willing to bet that Ames is a real kinkster in the sack, if you know what I’m saying.

During the date, Ames comes off as really smart, funny and well-traveled and Ash says she sees husband potential in him. She’s afraid that she would have totally overlooked him if Bent- no. No! I’m refusing to do it. She can talk about the B-word until she’s blue in the face but I refuse to write about him. She’s in fucking Thailand with a bunch of hot guys and at least one of them is really smart and like six of them are charming and the rest seem to have nice biceps. And I’m sitting at home on the couch with my cat in my lap. This is ri-goddam-diculous. If I was her, I’d be frolicking around the beach in a tiny swimsuit and enjoying the company of whoever happened to be available. I’d also wear a homemade t-shirt and it would say “Thai Me Up” and there’d be a picture of a ball gag on it. Puns are a clear indication of high intelligence, you know.

Anyway. Ames. Ashley. Dinner. Ames says his heart is beating fast because Ashley is smart and beautiful and she’s wearing tiny doll clothes. They talk and Ames asks interesting questions and Ashley bores us with her answers. Ames seals the deal — with me anyway — by saying he’d love to be married to a strong independent woman. He says that he doesn’t have a list of thing things that he wants in a woman and it’s a great evolutionary step to go with feelings instead of a list. Pump your brakes, son. If anything, it’s an evolutionary step backwards. I get the feeling that Ames would probably say he has trouble finding people to hang with who are as intelligent as he is…

Ashley gives him a well-deserved rose and that’s pretty much the end of the date. Ames interviews that they didn’t kiss, but they had something better — deep conversation. I mean, technically that’s true, I guess. But why not have both? She was probably afraid of getting caught in those chompers. Those things look like they could do some damage. It’s a good thing they’re so white. She’ll have plenty of warning that they’re coming towards her.

Gave a hysterectomy to the last girl he went down on. *Rimshot!*

Ay, dios mio.

Cocktail party/rose ceremony time. Ashley has on an adorable dress, but still has a lot of pain in her heart over the relationship that she’d made up in her head with B-word. She says she’s still in a “dark place” but feeling a little better. So glad you were able to come out of your funk long enough to semi-enjoy Thailand with the 14 men you asked to join you.

West, the lawyer whose wife died three years ago, gets alone time first. Ashley says she wants to make sure he’s in a good place to be thinking about marriage again. She tells him that she’s worried that she has big shoes to fill. West gives a perfectly reasonable answer: he’s not looking for someone to fill his dead wife’s shoes; that was a different part of his life and he’s ready to move on. This is the point at which I stopped being merely annoyed by Ashley and instead wanted to stab her in the shoulder with an ink pen. She so clearly tuned West out and ignored what he had to say, telling the camera that she’s not sure he’s ready to move forward. And yet… she’s the one who’s in a “dark place” who has told everyone that she was far more into B-word than she was with any one of them. If she doesn’t like West, fine, send his ass home. But don’t give BS excuses. Woman up!

“Do you mind if I call you ‘Bentley’ for awhile?

Next one-on-one goes to Lucas. They have a boring conversation about his divorce. Later, Blake, the dentist, approaches Ryan and tells him that he [Ryan] is getting on everyone’s nerves. Ryan seems genuinely surprised by this. Blake says Ryan is intense, loud, excited and boisterous. Ryan says he’s just happy. There are soldiers waking up every morning to mortar shots and he gets to be in Thailand, so why not be happy, he says to us. Yeah, I can see how he’s annoying.

“Everybody hates you, you know. We think you’re crazy.”

“What?! Does this look like the face of a crazy man to you? Like the kind of guy who would totally flip out and stab everyone who crossed me and even those who didn’t??”

Later, Ashley asks Ryan why he’s so happy all the time. He tells her he’s bursting with love in his chest. Ashley says that’s a good thing… but she’s not sure it’s real.

After that, Chris H. takes Ashley away to ask her about B-word some more. I’m not going to bother, because it’s so boring that I’m pretty sure Chris fell asleep. At the rose ceremony, Chris announces that Ashley asked for an extra rose, so only one guy will be leaving tonight.

Ashley gives roses to: Lucas, Ryan, JP, Nick, Mickey, Blake and William. West and Ben C. are the only ones left standing. And the final rose goes to Ben C. Awww… why?? It seems pretty mean to cut West and West alone after their talk. Ashley gives him a half hug goodbye and then stands with her back to the door in total silence as he walks out, waits for a car to pull up, and then gets in. Wow. That was cold and awkward. In the car, West looks close to tears and says it’s the first time since his wife passed that he’s put himself out there. He reiterates that you can’t replace someone who was taken from you and that’s not what he wants to do. Life is love. And it’s more satisfying and deeper when you have someone to share it with. Awww.

I said “brrr <clap-clap> it’s cold in here!”

So, I liked West and would have kept him, but I don’t think he was a good fit for Ashley. She seems to be looking for someone who’s goofier, more laid-back, and with a different look.

Go, West.

Next week. More Thailand, more talk about B-word, and… the possible return of B-word?? Last week, I would have complained about the producers torturing Ashley a little more and drawing out the Bentley drama. But this week, between Ashley being a total dick and the guys on the show being — for the most part — sane and normal, I say bring back Bentley! What do you think? Would you welcome his return?

Oh, and one more Thai beauty shot before we go:

Sigh.