The Bachelorette: The Men Say Nothin’

Chris Harrison introduced this reunion special as the “most memorable men of the season.” A bit of a stretch, I think. It really just seemed to be every guy who could get time off work showed up. Despite being a less-than-dynamic cast, some folks did come out winners and some came out losers. Here’s my take on both — let’s see if ya’ll agree.

Reality shows: making unemployment fun since 1995.

Winners:
Vodka-soaked Redemption
Tim was the liquor distributor who, ironically or predictably depending on how you look at it, got wasted and passed out right after meeting Ashley on night one. Highlights of his short time on the show included falling asleep under a rather fluffy-looking blanket, being completely freaked out by the guy in the mask, asking the guy in the mask to dance, and needing to be poured into a cab since his feet and legs ceased to function.

Ladies, meet one of the most eligible bachelors in the country. And he’s still available!

That’s a lot of embarrassing stuff that you don’t remember happening but then have to watch on national television. And that was probably pretty shocking for Tim because if he’s anything like me, when he got drunk he put on his self-reflective beer goggles… the ones that make you think you’re super attractive and charming and funny and they make you sure that people love it when you scream at them and give them purple nurples.

But Tim was funny and good-natured about the whole thing, mocking himself and telling the cast that it’s like meeting them all for the first time. Later, when Ashley is brought out, he apologizes for getting wasted on the first night, reassures her that she carried herself well throughout the season and never looked foolish. He also added that he’s rooting for JP.

So Tim came out a winner because he acknowledged his fuck up, charmed us into liking him with his jokes and adorable accent, and was willing to get a little scrappy with the other boys.

Ladies Love Cool Ames
Ames may be one of the few people on the planet whose life turns out better — not worse — because of a reality show. Throughout the course of the show he was nice, polite and never said a mean thing about anyone; but he was still entertaining because he’s a genuinely interesting person. And if the reaction of the women in the audience was any indication, he will be getting ass from this for a long time to come. He’s parlaying his stint on The Bachelorette into an appearance on Bachelor Pad. And who knows what comes after that? Sitcoms. Films. Walking the red carpet at club openings with the Real Housewives cast members. The possibilities are endless and exciting.

Smell that. It’s the smell of success. You like?

Even though Ames was booted by Ashley after she met his family, he says very nice things about her, revealing that he’d always had a crush on her. He tells Chris that Ashley is perfect and elegant and saying goodbye was hard because he thought he might have found the one. But, he says, he’s grateful to know her and wants her to be happy. Chris H. gives him a pair of pink boxing gloves as a parting gift and tells him that he can keep them as mementos or take one free shot at Ryan. Someone gets paid to write the jokes on this show, people.

Writing Reading the Book on Love
Speaking of Ryan… he definitely came out as the big winner in this episode in spite of his ignominious rejection right before the hometown dates. Chris Harrison treated him like he was Jesus or something, arisen from his Fijian grave, resurrected to find love in the hills of Malibu on the next season of The Bachelor. Now that was never said out loud, but given the amount of fawning Chris did over him as well as the superlatives regarding what a ladies’ man he is, one could only assume. “Ryan is the solar entrepreneur with the sunny disposition.” “The boys hate him but the ladies love him.” “Ryan’s got a big dong.” “Ryan’s pheromones are so strong that he walks into a room and every woman in that room starts to ovulate.”

There’s going to be a baby boom among the Gasmii...

In spite of Chris H.’s high praises the other guys were never quite sold on Ryan, and there’s video of them calling him Goober and saying that he’s 95 percent full of shit. That’s a lot of shit. West, the widower, says that Ryan is the human equivalent of a puppy. Blake (Who? Another Bachelor Pad participant) wants to know why Ryan was so devastated — he only had a single one-on-one date with Ashley — was he looking to fall in love with Ashley? Or just fall in love in general?

Ryan explains that he read several books before participating in the show and these magical books told him which questions he should ask before getting engaged or married. So you see, he explains, even though I didn’t spend a lot of time with Ashley, the time I did spend with her was very productive because I was asking the questions from the books. He also kept a journal. Most of the guys on stage look embarrassed for him, somewhere a casting director is re-thinking her life’s work, and 25 women looking for love on television just felt a collective shiver go down their spines. Homeboy is scary.

The Losers:

Constan-who?
Constantine almost made it to the end of the season, and yet he got so little love on the reunion show. Apparently the highlight of his time on the show was when a dog peed on the love lantern he and Ashley made.

If this was the high point of the relationship, it was probably time to move on before taking her home to meet your parents.

And that was Constantine’s contribution to the reunion, aside from calling William an asshole. Constantine, we barely knew or cared about ye…

William
William did come off as an asshole for much of the season and that didn’t change a whole lot with the reunion show. We get a recap of him screwing things up at the roast by telling Ashley that no one wanted her and making her cry. Later in the season, he ratted Ben C. out to Ashley in Asia, whispering to her that Ben only wanted to be on the show so that he could beef up his dating website profile. Ladies want nothing more than a man who appeared to sleep through most of the show.

At the reunion, William refused to apologize for backstabbing Ben, saying that he cared for Ashley and couldn’t lie to her. When Chris has him sit on the hot seat and replay his run on the show, William closes his eyes and plugs his ears with his fingers. When the tape ends with him bawling and saying he wanted to go to sleep and not get up there’s silence. Chris Harrison smirks at him and William says he watched the first episode of the show but couldn’t bear to watch anything beyond that. He says he made an ass of himself but can’t change what happened and wishes Ashley the best. He cherishes life now and doesn’t wanna be a jackass no mo’.

The Masked Avenger

Bentley
Obviously, Bentley was the biggest loser of the season, and a big to-do is made about what a douchebox he is. Ashley tells Chris that she’s been hurt by the public’s negative reaction to her handling of the whole Bentley situation, but what most people don’t understand is that she never saw the asshole side of him. She only saw what he chose to show her, which wasn’t all that great… but he never actually said to her face that he’d rather swim in pee than make out with her, so there’s that.

That would explain the pee smell…

As it turns out, Bentley didn’t bother coming onto the reunion show — imagine that. Apparently it’s easy being a jerk in private, but once the mean comments, the back-stabbing, and the general asshattery are shown on network television, it’s a little harder to come forward.

Fortunately, our favorite former Bachelor contestant, Michelle Money, is here to help explain things.

You’re probably wondering what she’s doing there. Well first, she’s there to promote the new season of Bachelor Pad. But aside from that, she was the one who warned Ashley about Bentley before the show even began. Michelle and Chris H. play armchair psychiatrist and wonder if warning Ashley in advance about Bentley made Ashley MORE attracted to Satan’s Ejaculate. It’s the type of psychology that usually works on teenage girls and Bachelorette contestants.

This segment was pretty lame considering that the main villain of the season wasn’t there. Show yourself, Bentley! Come out from under your rock and explain what the hell you were thinking during taping!

And then there’s Ashley…
Do you think Ashley came out the winner or loser in this? I can’t tell. Give her a point in the ‘W’ column for coming out in a dress that had Chris Harrison rolling his tongue back into his mouth.

But in the ‘L’ column, she had to defend herself twice about the whole Bentley situation and she whined again about being called an ugly duckling. She did take the high road by apologizing to the guys about wasting so much time on Bentley and asks for their forgiveness.

Later, former bachelor and bachelorettes DeAnna Pappas, Jason Meznick and Ali (just Ali) are trotted out to give advice. They agree that — in DeAnna’s words — “it is haaaaaard,” but say it’s worth sticking it out to find love in the end. And DeAnna raised the roof over the dumping of Bentley. Useless people.

So that was the reunion show. We learned very little and were bored a whole lot by this rather lackluster cast who barely got to dish. The recap of the finale and the post-finale special are on the way! See you then…