The Bachelorette: Tickle My Pickle

After meeting the cadre of douche-tools, clowns and sad-sack superheroes, it’s time for pygmy Ashley to get down to business and start whittling out the losers, weirdos and predators.

Let me tell you where to start cutting…

Chris Harrison kicks things off by ‘splaining how this all works and dropping off the first date card. Winemaker Ben — who looks like Dax Shepherd (don’t ask why I know who that is) thinks it’s a huge advantage to have the first one-on-one date. He doesn’t say why, though.

But the first date goes to William and they’re going to Vegas.

He actually looks like Prince William… but with more hair. And less money.

Ryan, a nondescript guy who’s a “Solar Energy Executive” is worried that William and Pygmy will get married in Vegas, thus ending both his chances and the entire show. What is a Solar Energy Executive? It sounds like a made up title. “Hello, I’m Ryan, president of the sun. Nice to meet ya!”

While the guys ruminate over the possibilities, Pygmy’s sitting outside by herself looking prettay, prettay pleased that she’s the one in charge now and no longer has to deal with the giant kindergartner that was Brad Womack.

Smuggle.

She thinks she’s got the best looking group of guys who have ever been on the show. I think she got a group of government experiments that were created by mad scientists in Russia who decided the best way to take over the US would be to engineer a group of super tall, generic-looking men with a fetish for plaid shirts. It’s possible.

All is not happy in Pygmyville, though. Ashley’s worried she’s going to fall for someone who’s just not that into her. She wants to be with somebody who wants to be with her, too.

She walks into the bachelors’ pad in a white dress and brown leather jacket and is met by a chorus of “wooows.”

“Wow, she’s not in plaid!”

All of the men put up a good show of being jealous as Pygmy drives Wills off in a Maserati. They drive to a private plane and then fly to Vegas.

The masked avenger and some guy with a square head have a useless conversation about Masky’s hopes for dating Pygmy. The only point of this scene is that we notice that the mask can’t hide the insanity that’s beaming out from both peepholes.

In Las Vegas… Pygmy says her biggest fear is that the guy she picks won’t be ready for the altar, so she’s going to put Wills to the test. All successful first dates should involve tests.

First stop is a cake shop. Wills assumes she’s hungry. But then a French chef starts talking about wedding cakes.

“Frenchy say wha?”

Next, they go to a jewelry store. They try on engagement and wedding rings and Wills gets more and more freaked out. Finally, Ashley takes him to a wedding chapel. Kind of weird for a first date, but Wills is gamely playing along, showing off his dimples the whole time. They meet the minister and Wills starts to get nervous, he says. Making a mockery of marriage is fun!

Ashley walks down the chapel aisle in her white dress. The minister goes through the whole spiel and Wills says I do, which seems to surprise Pygmy, who’s concerned that they just got married. When it’s Pygmy’s turn to say I do, she says “I will eventually, but not at this moment.”

Hmmm… kinda low. After humiliating him, she laughs at him, but they agree that it’s the best first date ever, so no hard feelings. They do get to kiss, and — talk about an awkward first kiss — the minister’s standing right in front of them.

Put your boner away, Pastor Smiley.

Pygmy says she knows it’s soon, but she’s definitely falling for William, even though they’ve only been on half a date so far.. Oh good. I’m sure this whole experience will end very well for her.

Later, they walk around Vegas and talk while people stare at them. Apparently Ashley is huge in Vegas. They take a rowboat out into the Bellagio fountains to a floating platform on which they’re going to have dinner. Fans yell at Ashley and Wills points out that so many women love her. This is true. I noticed that earlier when they first arrived, women found her very approachable and walked right up to her and grabbed her. I think we found our new Oprah, ya’ll!

The Oprah disagrees…

Anyway. Pygmy says she hopes some men love her, too. They talk about the fact that Wills started working immediately after high school and he’s been hawking cell phones at mall kiosks ever since. Or as he calls it, “bringing communication to people.” He says he’s always wanted to be a stand up comedian. Ashley thinks he’d be good. Wills says he does want her to see a serious side to him and talks about his family and the fact that he lost his dad six years ago to alcohol. Ashley opens her eyes really wide. His dad was left by the side of the road, beaten, and died in the hospital. And Wills’s watch has remained set to that time and date ever since. Pygmy interjects with a lot of “whats?!” and “nos!” and sometimes it’s time to shut up but she looks genuinely shaken up. Her dad’s an alcoholic, too. She says it makes her feel closer to him and there’s so much more to him than she thought two hours ago. That’s usually the case with strangers…

Back at the bachelor crib, the group date card has arrived. Masky is eager to have a date with Pygmy so that he can take his mask off — it’s starting to smell under there! He’s certain that Ashely won’t be disappointed and will fall in love with him.

Going on the date are Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nicky, Bentley, West, Lucas, Steven, Black, Matt and Ames. They’re going to Vegas, too. Five guys will be left behind while the others are raptured away to Vegas.

Back in Sin City, Ashley is reaching for the rose. She talks for a long time before pinning it on him and kissing him. They stand up to go and then the fountains go off around them. And then more kissing while people cheer. She doesn’t think any other guy can be as great as William. And he tells her that he wants to make her happy all of the time and his heart is soaring higher than the fountains. OK. So far, he is adorable!

Later, the Men in Plaid arrive in Vegas and after a round of hugs, Pygmy takes them to a theater where the Jabbawockeez — the spelling-challenged winners of America’s Best Dance Crew — are rehearsing. Pygmy joins them on stage to show off how tight her abs are and informs the bachelors that they’ll be competing in two groups for an opportunity to perform with the Jabbawockeez. Oh, and maybe win her heart, too, but that’s just secondary.

Team The Best Man creates a routine in which one of them is left at the altar, but it turns out the bride (Ashley) was just running late.

Team No Rhythm Nation mimes out a rose ceremony. The Jabbawockeez pick No Rythm Nation and the Best Man are sent back to Los Angeles.

After a performance that rivaled Cirque du Soleil in creepiness, Pygmy takes the guys out to eat tiny hamburgers and some one-on-one time. She meets with The Dentist first, but she’s worried that having the same career will cause too much conflict.

Next, she meets with West, the widower lawyer. He’s worried because sometimes his past scares girls off. He tells Ashley that his wife died nine months after their wedding but he’s ready to put himself back out there and fall in love again. He looks genuinely emotional about all of this — obvs — and Pygmy says it means the world to her that he told her his sad, sad story.

“Remember that time I danced on stage and how awesome it was? Oh wait, did you say something about a wife?”

It’s clear that West has an edge now and the evil that is Bentley-the-Asswipe isn’t having any of it. He says that Pygmy has an amazing butt and rocking legs and he’s totally willing to let her tickle his pickle, but she’s not his type. Classy. Rolls Royce does some whining and Ashley eats it up and thinks he’s adorable and insecure. She tells him that if he feels something for her, he should stick around. He starts to say something, but she cuts him off and starts begging him to stick it out. This is where listening comes in handy, girl.

He’s totally falling in love right now.

In a confessional, Bugatti says the game’s over before it has even begun and he gets the rose from Pygmy as West looks on sadly.

The second one-on-one date is determined by a flip of a coin back in Los Angeles. The coin has a picture of construction cutie JP on one side and super sexy chef Mickey on the other.

Mickey wins the toss and meets Pygmy in Vegas. She’s a little worried that he’s better looking than she is. Insecure girls are magnets to assholes like Bentley.

Mickey and Pygmy flip a coin to determine what they’ll do on their date. Red wine or white? Meat or fish? Anal or regular?

“The coin said tails. It’d be wrong to not go with that…”

Over dinner, Mickey talks about how his mother died six years ago and how much strength he got from the experience. Pygmy rubs his shoulder and says she found strength in his eyes. His gorgeous blue eyes…

Later, she flips the coin again and it tells her to keep him around and give him a rose, although she says she would have no matter what the coin said to her. They take a walk outside and, as a surprise, Colbie Callait puts on a private concert for them.

“Who?”

Oh yeah, the chick from the cotton commercial.

Back in L.A., it’s time for the final cocktail party of the night. JP immediately pulls Pygmy aside and wants to toss a coin to see if they should kiss. Pygmy is into it and grabs his head and starts to make out with him. Then she tells him that he should just trust the process and relax because she’s going to go hook up with some other dudes now.

“BRB honey!”

Giant cowboy Nick teaches her how to line dance. William spends some more time with her and kisses her. Then it’s the Masked Avenger’s turn. He’s ready to reveal his glorious face to Pygmy, but first he wants her to hear his sad story of having a brain hemorrhage and then getting divorced. Once that’s off his chest, he reaches up to take off his mask… and Matt interrupts and hauls Pygmy off.

Um. I’m actually too scared for her to make a joke right now…

Later, William recounts his amazing fake wedding date with Pygmy and how much better she is than that prude Kate Middleton. Bentley says he’d rather swim in pee than go on that date. Now that he’s good and resentful, Bentley grabs Ashley for some making out and she says it’s just like a fairy tale. A fairy tale about a wicked psychopath who wishes that Pygmy was really Emily and directs his irrational anger into making out with her and saying vulgar things behind her back. He says the kiss started out good but sucked towards the end.

“Do you think you’re Prince Charming?” Ashley asks him. No. “Yes you do!” She confesses to the camera that she received texts saying that Beamer’s there for the wrong reasons, but she’s going to ignore them and trust the process and the producers of the show who have her best interest at heart.

Look into the face of eviiiillll.

OK, 12 roses to hand out and three men going home. Ashley says she thinks her husband is standing in the room and there are a few eager smiles. The first rose goes to West. Constantine, Ryan P., Ben, Nick, Ames (who seems to be wearing a whole lot of bronzer), Lucas and Jeff, the masked menace, all get roses. So do J.P., Chris, Ben F., and finally Blake.

That means that Matt is going back to the exciting world of office supply sales without a wife. He calls his mom to let her know the bad news and to get a ride home from the airport.

“Mommy? Get your exercise equipment out of the basement again. I’m on my way back home.”

Stephen, the hairstylist, is also going home. He seems pretty bummed. And finally, Ryan M. says that life isn’t fair and that Ashley’s missing out on a great guy. I’m sure.

Next week there’s going to be kissing, singing, dancing, Bentley being a dick, broken hearts, crawling under the covers crying and Bentley being an asshole. It looks like he confesses everything next week. Cannot. Wait. See ya then, love-seekers!