The Bachelorette: When Animals Attack!

Welcome back everyone! Last week Iceland blew for more reasons than an exploding volcano. Unfortunately we lost entertainment psychotic Kasey, and are now left entertainment wrestler, Justin. Could things get worse?! What’s next?! A location known only for baths and being named after a variety of cold cuts?! Oh. Nevermind. Ladies and gentlegays…it’s… “THE BACHELORETTE“!!!

We begin with the cast leaving the shackles of frozen fortresses behind…

Just to recap for everyone.

Apparently there’s a shit ton of drama tonight so let’s get right to it! Ali’s excited to be in Istanbul and says she “didn’t realize 13 million people live here.” Random. Did she happen to just count them all or are the producers feeding her wikipedia articles for breakfast? She’s excited to push her relationships farther and see who could possibly be a husband for her. I’M excited for whoever gets ditched tonight to be on the next episode of “Locked up Abroad”. Except it’d be called “Locked up by A Broad: The Bachelorette Edition”. How long do you think Weatherman would’ve lasted in a Turkish prison?!

Turkey really does look beautiful. It’s too bad there’s a b-rated reality show about to descend upon the city and cock everything up. Speaking of, Ali says she feels the best she has so far and she doesn’t think anything can go wrong at this point. REALLY?! Really. If this was a scary movie you’d have an ax planted in your forehead right now. But instead…

 

Host Chris stops by and tells us that Ali has a surprise call from her ol’ friend Jessie from last season! But what’s MORE surprising is that Ali appears to have been reading a book.

Ali starts to freak out…

 

But luckily she remembers to check her pulse for a heartbeat. Meanwhile, Weatherman’s throwing a pizza at his TV right now screaming, “YOU STUPID BITCH YOU HAVE NO HEART! BWAAAHHHH!!!”

 

I love how motherfucker can hardly control his glee about the pending drama. He’s SMILING!

It would’ve been awesome if it rang and rang and Jessie just picked up the phone screaming while gunshots are in the background. Then silence and Kasey’s voice whispering, “I’m coooooming…”. Just saying. I should really be a producer.

 

And now he’s bored already. He looks like he wishes his finger was a gun.

 

Meanwhile, Heidi Fleiss Jr. tells Ali that someone on the show has a girlfriend already!

How the fuck did she get into this? And do the producers just not research people AT ALL? Or is it that they did and were waiting ’til now to reveal? HMMM…? I WONDER! And THEN Jessie reveals that Justin’s girlfriend is RIGHT THERE WITH HER!!!

 

“This is REALLY hard for me to say but… are the camera’s rolling? How’s my lighting? Great! Yeah TV! OK ummm… oh yeah – This is REALLY hard for me to say but…”

So Justin’s girlfriend not only reveals a plot that Justin’s only on the show to get attention (REALLY!!? GO FUCKING FIGURE!!!!) but that he ALSO has another girlfriend! HAHAHAHA!!! Her voice gets all high-pitched and the fake crying isn’t helping it any either. Justin and this girl are PERFECT for each other. I had my fingers crossed that she was knocked up but no such luck.

Ali tells her that she’s glad she told her because this is “the most important thing I’ll ever do.” Yikes. If the highlight of my life was being on a reality dating show I think the next highlight would be throwing myself from something very, very high.

Host Chris then mumbles out a “Sorry Ali” which really sounds like he’s about to explode with “HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!!” Ali’s crushed that Justin’s been lying this whole time. It’s almost like EVERYTHING EVERYONE ELSE TOLD HER WAS TRUE. I think she owes handwritten apologies to Weatherman, Kasey and Craig.

Chris adds fuel to the fire by showing Ali a photo of Justin and his girlfriend…

 

SHOCKING AND DISGUSTING!!! Not Justin, the fact that they have more bars of service on their iPhone in Istanbul than I do in LA. Fucking AT&T.

So Ali heads on a warpath on the way down to the boys’ room. Host Chris tells her to “be strong and let him have it.” I’m surprised he didn’t hand her taser and a baseball bat. Come on Chris! Think of the ratings! So Ali sits down with the boys and you can tell a little (maybe a lot) of her is about to enjoy this.

 

This is crazy/psychotic girlfriend look, gentlemen. Learn it. Watch for it. Fear it.

So Ali gets all sarcastic and says “it’s probably been really hard for you Justin – BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. YEAH. SHE JUST CALLED ME!”

 

Cue awkward/silent stare of disbelief. He just sits there and smiles in shock.

 

This is a perfect representation of what happened.

 

Meanwhile the guys are having their own reactions…

 

Craig’s is my favorite.

So it becomes a “fight or flee” choice for Justin and (surprise, surprise) he FLEES! He grabs his shit quickly (luckily he has no dignity to worry about packing up) and heads for the door. The only thing he mentions before leaving? Host Chris says, “What are you going to do – walk off without talking to her?” and Justin replies, “FUCK YOU. STRAIGHT UP.” HAHAHAHAHA… that’s my favorite moment so far this season by FAR. Host Chris should just be happy this didn’t turn into that episode of “Cheaters” where the host got stabbed.

Justin makes a break for it and leaves behind all of his clothes (NOOO!!! NOT YOUR ‘RATED R’ T-SHIRT!) while Ali chases after him through the stairwells.

 

WTF is the ladder for? If there was a ladder in the stairwell of my hotel I’d have serious questions about their evacuation plans. Mind you, they’re at least 8 stories up and that ladder is perhaps 30 feet.

 

Yeah. Good luck with the ladder during a fire. I’d aim for the pool if I were you.

So Justin goes scrambling through the hotel and escapes by walking around in circles outside. Apparently he’s got an electronic anklet on and can’t leave the premises. He even trudges through bushes outside to try and get away from the camera crew.

 

There is no God. Because if there was, he still would’ve been on crutches while trying to escape via the stairwell and then shrubbery. On the other hand, Justin better hope there’s a God when the hotel’s landscaper gets ahold of him.

Ali keeps trying to corner Justin to talk to him (thanks Producers!) but he just tells her “DON’T TOUCH ME” and keeps walking away from her. This while she screams “YOU’RE GONNA REGRET THIS!!!” Meanwhile I love watching all of the crew members scramble to get out of the camera shots. Yeah – I wouldn’t want to be seen on this show either. The downside to all of this? Think of what a great impression the Americans made on the people at the hotel that day. Awesome.

 

“No, No… we’re all filled up on douchebag at the moment.”

Ali sits down and after awhile Justin finally comes over and sits down next to her.

 

Good thing he’s wearing the dog tags. They’ll need those to identify the body.

BTW – You KNOW the only reason why he finally sat down is the producers had a little talk with him that went something like, “Hey friend, so the current flight from here to Canada is $1,000. Did ya wanna pay that yourself or… No? You can’t? Great. GO SIT THE FUCK DOWN THEN.”

Justin sits in silence for awhile and then starts letting the bullshit fly. He calls his girlfriend “more like his best friend” (awwww – besties! She’ll be THRILLED!) and tells Ali that he saved the rose she gave him the other day and tries to give it back. WHAT?! He didn’t pack any of his shit but he remembers to bring a rose she gave him in ICELAND?! And doesn’t that break several laws concerning bringing vegetation across borders?! OFF TO THE TURKISH PRISON WITH HIM!

Ali doesn’t give him an inch and berates him about lying to her and lying to his girlfriend… and his other girlfriend. He then stutters and says he never called his girlfriend (this will be important in 5 minutes) and that he didn’t “come here to get famous”. Buddy – you just blew past famous and went straight to “your 15 minutes of infamy are almost up.” The only thing I enjoy about this is listening to him say “abooooot” every other word.

And so far my fav Ali line of the season is, “I came here to find a husband and you’re FUCKING with that!” Get ‘em girl!

Justin finally gives up on bullshitting, says he’s “soar-ry” and takes off into oblivion. But not before the producers could kick him while he’s down – they play the voicemails that he “supposedly” never left for the girlfriend…

 

“…ability to stay cool and keep a secret.”? Probably not.

 

“… to spending all of the money we make off of this.”? Not likely.

 

I hope it’s the one where you humiliate yourself on national TV. Otherwise – let down!

 

It’s because Kasey’s there, nailing her and getting the last laugh. Don’t worry, he’s also guarding and protecting her heart.

The boys all talk about what a d-bag Justin is and Roberto is the only one who feels foolish for believing he had true intentions. Awww – sweet, naive Roberto. But there’s no time to waste and soon a date card comes under the door. Craig has high hopes that it’s for him BUT it’s for TY! Poor Craig.

Ali meets Ty for their date and is insisting on forgetting about Justin and not letting his shittiness get to her. They stroll about town and Ty is excited because this is his first trip to Europe. PLEASE don’t make a comment that everyone has funny accents. Not you… not you.

After their stroll, Ali takes Ty to a Turkish Bath that’s over 300 years old. Eek. Bring sanitizer.

Apparently they’ll also be eating a picnic lunch off of each other.

Ali’s excited because this place is somewhere where usually only men are allowed to go. Wow. So awesome that an American reality show could come crash a 300-year-old tradition. An added plus being that she’s either gonna get athlete’s foot or pregnant from walking around in there.

 

Oh God. Ty’s totally gonna end up taking a shit in one of these fountains.

 

What the fuck is that?! EWWW! He already got some weird rash! Sick.

Back at the Man-suite, the next date card comes! Craig and Frank are both hoping NOT to be on it so they can have the single date… Frank gets his way – he’s the single date! What?!? A repeat of Frank but no Craig?! Poor guy’s getting the shaft!

 

Back at the bath, by the looks of Ali’s hands, Ty’s REALLY enjoyed this date.

The lovely couple shares some smooches and the date seems to go really well. Although to me it seems like there’s more of a sexual connection than an emotional one.

Later that night they enjoy dinner by the water. Ty asks Ali what it is that she likes about him and she replies, “You’re six foot whatever and handsome!” I’m gonna say I was right with the “sexual” over “emotional” connection. Ty tells Ali she can ask him anything so she asks about his divorce and what caused it. YIKES! Going for the jugular!

 

I really wanted him to say, “Listen, I was acquitted, they never found the body – that’s all there really is to it. More hummus?”

Ty kind of hints that part of the problem was that he wanted to work and have her stay at home (Perfect thing to say to career-oriented Ali! LOL!). He then backtracks a bit and says that he learned to have an open mind on people’s roles. And that he’d support Ali with whatever she wanted to do. Ali smiles while thinking, “That’s RIGHT – you my BITCH.” And just for that – he gets the rose!

Back with the boys, Craig is getting desperate and starts planning the demise of the other gentleman regarding their weaknesses. I hope he doesn’t go all “Weatherman” and ruin his first date by talking about everyone else. That is – if he ever gets a date.

Time for the group date! The four boys all go looking for her and find her atop a castle…

This couldn’t have been a better time to advertise “Wipeout”! IF ONLY.

On this group date, you’ll each give me a urine sample and I’ll do a taste test. No one’s eaten asparagus, right?

Ali tells the boys that they’ll have to fight for her attention (literally) and introduces…

 

The 1986 Olympic Turkish Killing Squad.

I SO would’ve been like, “Great. So I’ll just meet you all back at the hotel then? Byeeee.” I love that one of the boys exclaims, “They’re shirtless?!” like they haven’t spent the last month without shirts on 90% of the time. They’re also shocked that the guys are oiled up. Chris says he doesn’t like where this is going. I’ll give you a hint…

 

This isn’t the only Turkish instrument that’s gonna get blown today.

I’m totally thinking of Austin Powers because if I was there I’d only be able to say…

 

“Mooooooole! Mole mole mole! Moooooooooole!”

So the boys have to wrestle these monsters. Which sucks for them – but for us?!

 

Oh my holy latin lover. WITH olive oil?! Throw in some bread to soak it up with and you have an ultimate fantasy. I’m just saying. Some people might like that.

 

“Did I forget to mention the oil just came out of a falafel fryer?”

 

They have gay marriage in TURKEY but not here?! That’s just great.

The ref than yells something in Turkish, probably “The producers have asked that you don’t break anything that would prevent them from getting in a hot tub! GO!”

 

Or maybe it was, “Now point to what these Americans will be eating for lunch!” I’m pretty sure I heard the Turkish word for “taint” in there.

First up is Kirk…

 

Well. Let’s just hope there’s not mold in the lawn.

Then comes Roberto…

 

This marks the one and only time I’d want to be a Turkish wrestler.

Speaking of, it’s REALLY too bad Justin missed out on this. I would’ve LOVED to see him cry as they pounded him into the ground.

Then comes Craig…

 

“He’s holding my love handles! UNFAIR!”

At one point, Kirk slaps Roberto on the ass…

 

Just so we’re clear, this is now the wallpaper on my computer.

Now the boys have to fight each other for the private time with Ali! There’s lots of grunting and panting and wrestling. I feel like we should be enjoying this but I just worry someone’s going to get hurt. And not be able to get into a hot tub.

It comes down to Craig and Roberto! It’s buff Roberto and “desperate for a date” Craig! I love Roberto but I’m a sucker for an underdog and that poor boy needs a date! And after a tough struggle – CRAIG WINS! He gets a date tonight!

The boys all relax in the Man-suite and cry to each other about how they’re sad Craig gets quality time with Ali and not them. GET OVER IT. The poor guy has barely had time with her. Everyone gets a turn on the town bike!

 

World’s worst place to live during a flood. I hope their couch is scotch-guarded.

 

Yikes. There’s one more chin than there are people in this photo. Ali, never lean back in front of a camera! No matter how funny the story of how he sprained his finger is.

The lovely couple snuggles up on the boat and enjoys their time. They then go to the drownable-island (above) and have dessert. Craig tells Ali he’s a very positive person – no matter what. It’d be awesome if she was like, “Awww well actually I’m not sure you’re right for me and–” cue him screaming, flipping over the table and slitting his wrists lengthwise.

Over at the MANsuite, the boys are still chatting about who did what in the wrestling match. Frank then receives his date card that says love is “bazaar”. Indeed. Hopefully they’re going to some crazy fetish party.

Back with the happy couple…

 

I love “Illuminations”!

Craig says he is completely falling for Ali and he seems really sincere. AWWW! He’s totally gonna get his heart shredded. I hope she lays plastic down on the floor when she breaks it to him.

Time for the Frank date! Ali says she hopes she can rekindle their romance because it’s been fading lately. What better way to spice it back up like a SPICE BAZAAR!

Frank is very inquisitive about the things he sees like:

 

Beware! These are from the Bachelors who have come before you!

 

This should help put the spice back in. Or the roofie. Whatever.

Frank then discovers a honey mixture that is an aphrodisiac…

 

You’re suppose to give it to her – not eat the whole thing yourself.

Frank also gets a chance to do some role playing…

 

The funny thing is they’re both never gonna get to nail the princess.

 

“It’s beautiful – but is it hot tub friendly?”

Next up, Ali and Frank go to a carpet dealer.

 

“Welcome to my “Paradise of Carpets!” Ironically he has a brothel next door by the same name.

The guy tries to sell them a rug that would be perfect for the entry way to a hippie grandma’s house. It’s $980. HAHAHHA. NO. Of course Frank’s thinking, “a) I work in retail and know that’s over-priced and b) I work in retail and there’s no way I could afford that and c) I… work… in… retail…bwaaaaaahhhh!”

 

Love it! That’s like saying, “And I’ll throw in this special child’s toy that was hand-crafted in China!”

The seller tries to sweeten the deal even more by offering two pillows…

 

I’m pretty sure those were the exact pillows I was given at the last Days Inn I stayed at. I’m still walking crooked.

Frank insists he’s NOT buying the carpet. Good for him! Way to stand up for yourself, not be pressured and show Ali what a man you are and—

 

Oh for fuck’s sake. Sadly, this will be the only carpet he’ll be enjoying for a long time.

Ali is happy that things are back to “happy town” with Frank but wants to talk to him about the true state of their relationship. For reals. I mean – this is a REALITY show. It’s serious shit. Let’s get REAL. So she brings him to an intimate setting for dinner to discuss their feelings…

 

The gates to Hell?

I don’t really understand where they are. They’re acting like we should know. Am I an idiot? I can’t even see shit it’s so dark. There’s water everywhere and it’s dripping from the ceilings. OHHHH! I know where they are!

 

I hope they find Viggo.

So apparently they’re in the famous “Basilica Cistern” – I wiki’d it. I love how they pretend they already knew this. If Ali actually knew about this before the producers gave her the script I’d take my diploma out and eat it. Anyways, it’s a super old underground structure used for holding rainwater. Very cool. So glad the crew of “The Bachelorette” could come crash it. I can just see a PA drilling lighting rigs into the walls now.

Ali and Frank relax and comment, “This is exactly what I needed!” like they’ve been on “Deadliest Catch” instead of the show they’re really on. They both have big security issues about letting themselves fall in love and who they’re gonna marry. Frank tells her the reason he’s still single at 30 is because he’s so cautious. That and because his mother still scrubs the skidmarks out of his underoos.

Ali finally decides to give Frank the rose and both admit that they’re falling for each other. Ugh. I don’t know – something doesn’t feel right about this. Like an impending train wreck. The producers must be thrilled.

Back at the Man-suite, the boys are dressed in their best and getting excited for the cocktail party. Finally there’s so few of them that they can all get quality time with her. But not before Ali has a lil’ pow-wow with Host Chris. She tells him that she doesn’t need a cocktail party tonight.

 

“1) I’m already so filled with booze I’m pissing fire. 2) The producers said we used up the “cocktail party” time on the Justin debacle earlier in the show.”

Ali says she already knows there’s one guy that she hasn’t had a connection with. And she’s ready to crush his heart and feast upon it. Meanwhile all the guys are getting antsy waiting for her. “There must be something WRONG!” Not really, she’s just as tired of the “last-ditch-effort-cocktailparty” as we are. Get ‘er done!

Host Chris arrives and tells the guys that there’ll be no cocktail party. They’re all DEVASTATED. I guess they all need a drink to get through this as much as I do. The boys all make their way to the rose ceremony with trepidation and worry. “What’s gonna happen?! Could this be the end to our European vacation?! NOOOO!”

Ali takes her place and tells the boys she just didn’t feel it was necessary to string them along (good one!) because she already knew who she’s sending packing. OUCH. Whoever it is – that’s harsh. I’m waiting for her to toss the roses and just set fire to whoever she’s sending home.

Time for the roses! Ty and Frank already have one. And now so does… Roberto (No shit), Chris (wicked cool) and…. Kirk!!! Awwwww – POOR CRAIG!

 

Probably not the best time to break out the “Mama” impression.

Ali looks completely miserable about her decision. Jeez what a downer. I thought this show was supposed to be light and fun! So this is why the poor guy never got a date! He then tells Ali that he means everything he said and she replies, “I just think the romance was missing.” Ya know what Ali? A simple “Fuck you” would’ve done just fine. Heartless! You should’ve said, “I’m just worried about birthing a child with your head through these hips.”

Craig cries about it a bit in the car and says it’ll take awhile to get over. I give it ’til his layover in Paris.

Ali then returns to the remaining boys and says they’re going to the sexiest city – “Lisbon, Portugal!” Riiiiight. She then mentions that they’re finishing their world tour in Lisbon. So… Iceland, Turkey and Portugal is a world tour? I’m pretty sure Hanson had a bigger world tour with “Mmm Bop.”

So that’s it! What did everyone think?! The oil wrestling makes everything worth it, huh?! Can you believe it was Craig?! Our funny man?! Who’s next?! I tell you one thing – I’m sorry I watched the friggin’ previews. They pretty much give everything away. But who cares – I still wanna see it all unfold! DEAR GOD WHAT’S BECOME OF ME?! NOOOOO! Alright kids – let me hear you hollah! Come on and DISH IT!!!