The Biggest Loser Recap: But I’m Catholic

Hello everybody! This is Taterz, and the good news is I’m not dead. My laptop took a mean nasty tumble, and let’s just say it didn’t bode well for Grimace. Also, when you lose access to an addiction (in my case, you guys) please please please do not turn to Lost. It’s horrible and you will lose everything. I promise. Especially in season 2 and 4. I’m serious. Anyyyyway. I’m back this season for The Biggest Loser and I’m stoked. Let’s kick off this 8 hour ordeal!

We start off with Allison showing off her lovely lady lumps.

Imma make make make make you work.

This season there will be the normal pairs of family or married or dating couples or whatever, but they’ll face off against each other. So basically expect a lot of parents volunteering to be sent home in place of their kids. Yawn. They’re showing all of the usual suspects. Moms, dads, former models, the young kid, pretty much everyWTF SANTA CLAUS?

And yet I'd still rather sit through 20 seasons of this shit than even attempt to watch Tim Allen's shitty movies.

Well this is going to be bizarre. They all start firing off excuses. “I’m tired”. “I’m already fat”. “Organic food costs more.” (lawl). “I just don’t care anymore.”

We can tell.

This season there will be NO EXCUSES! And NO ANNA (Thank god)! And the bald guy is so fat he forgets Bob’s name! And then Dolvett says “Remove the fear from your head!” And I honestly thought he said “Remove the beer from your hand!” Never Dolvett, never.

If I get fat enough, I'll just forget you keep saying shit to me. Like that bald guy.

The contestants are all walking through the compound and they’re all in awe and everything. Holy shit. Santa is married to someone 20 years younger than him…

I dub thee, Santa and Lolita Claus.

Behind Allison are the “tools to get your life back”. She asks them what their excuses are. No time is the popular one, with Martha Dumptruck saying she has “13 children, and 54 grandchildren.” Holy shit.

She may or may not be a Duggar.

One guy’s daughter died. Dammit. There’s always someone who has legit problems. Allison tells us there WILL BE NO EXCUSES. Because she is starting off with their Very. First. Biggest. Loser. Challenge. God I hate her. Oh and whoever comes in last doesn’t get to join the weight loss party. There will be 3 phases of this challenge. 1st phase is a 40 yard dash. 1st 4 automatically get to be on the ranch, the others have to keep competing. Oh and the high schooler’s name is “Chism”. Well I can put you on my shit list.

SHUUUUUN!

The contestants start their engines! And the produces treat us to some gratuitous shots of fat people running. So thanks producers. Chism’s dad is doing great, then totally eats shit and takes out the green person as well. Blue, brown, orange, and yellow are the winners so Martha Dumptruck is in! I don’t know anyone else really yet, so they don’t get names. The yellow team mom says her daugher (who ran for her) has been an athlete her whole life and she just had to look deep to find it! Really, really deep.

Gives a whole new meaning to the name "Mia Ham". Consider yourself named.

Oh and Chism’s dad pulled a hamstring and is hurt. He’s upset and boo hoo. So for the next heat, the other part of the teams have to compete. They have to run sprints while collecting puzzle pieces. These sprints add up to 10 yards. They then complete the puzzle. The two that lose, go home. They start off and Chism is winning and purple is losing. Chism’s dad yells “Come on Chizz!’ and it totes sounds like Jizz. Jizz’em is born. But he kills everyone in this, so go Jizz’em. Lolita Claus is next ones in. 2 spots left. Then purple. It’s pretty neck and neck between pink and green, with aqua pretty much out. Poor aqua. I always feel way too bad for the people who haven’t pissed me off by now. And they always go home first. Aaaaaand green wins. And the brother on that team is freaking the fuck out. Douche. He’s being an asshole and saying how he’s never cheered his sister on a day in his life, but decided to for this. Well you deserve a fucking medal, don’t you?

Let's not forget you took 2nd to last in that sprint.

Oh and I was wrong. Only one team goes home so now the pink and aqua team are competing against each other in an endurance-who-can-hold-on-longer-contest. I’m kind of rooting for the aqua team. They have kids and they’re black and we all know I wish I was black so bad go them. And of course they lose. But I like pink so I guess it’s okay. It really is heartbreaking though to watch them sit there and cry while everyone else goes inside. This is why I hate this show. They juxtapose annoying ass people with actual stories that make me all emotional. Bitches. They get to come back in a month though, to try and get back on the show. Sniffle.

We’re at the ranch. Allison reminds everyone how nervous they all should be to start training. Bob and Dolvett remind us all how much more important they are by showing up via helicopter and bullet bike. Dolvett reminds us how buff he is by wearing a child’s medium shirt.

On-sale at Baby Gap.

Ugh. Bob is happy to see that there aren’t any morbidly obese people here (400+ lbs) but reminds us that no matter how much over weight you are, you’re still over weight. Let the screaming begin! Bob calls Megan out for fake puking. Then people start really puking.

Is this good enough for you Bob?

Santa Claus falls over and Brown Baldy thinks he’s in Michigan and can’t remember Bob. Hahahah this group is dramatic. They’re both fine though. Blonde Pink Girl is a former olympic weight lifter. Oy vey. The last olympian, Rulon Gardner, was a joke. So my expectations are pretty low. Allison calls Bob and Dolvett over and they stop the workout. She drops a HUGE bomb on us (which in normal talk, is a piece of news that is slightly out of the ordinary): There will be NO partners this season! This season will be brother vs brother. Mother vs daughter. Santa vs Lolita. Martha Dumptruck vs Mia Hamm. One team member will be with Bob, the other with Dolvett. They’re all pissed. This is actually a cool little twist. The purple and yellow teams can’t figure out how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Wait, what if I get doubles?

"I lay flat like this, and your legs go like this while you're on top of me." "But I'm Catholic."

They finally figure it out, and they all get split up between Bob (black) and Dolvett (Red). If you really want to know, bitch at me in the comment section and I’ll tell you where everyone ended up. So we’re back from break and meeting with the doctor on the show. He looks like my mom’s lesbian friend. Her name is Tracy. Anyway, the two sickest people are on the brown team (which includes Baldy). They’re both understandably scared. I think I like them right now so they don’t do anything too annoying. BrownTeam Glasses, though now on Red Team’s daughter passed away from Spina Biffada (spelling?). That disease is pretty intense so he gets my sympathy. Back to the gym. I’d like to point out that Santa is still on the red team (Dolvett) so he’s destined to wear red. Like the real Santa. Lots of boring workouts. Jizz’em is crying. Baldy tries not to forget what everything is. I understand that this is important, but they could really cut down on these long ass workout segments. Commercial break. But before that…

Someone got a shitty haircut!

Don’t they give you a makeover before you leave? Can they take that away from you? I guess they can. I think that was the girl that had terrible hair to begin with, so glad to see nothing has changed. Back from break. Brunette was a former WWE wrestler. And she used to be hot. Anyway she has this feeling that she can’t fight in her knee…

OOGA CHOCKA OOGA CHOCKA

Anyway she broke her back when she was wrestler and still continued the match. Oh and Dolvett is yelling at Martha Dumptruck because she sucks balls. He calls her out for wanting to take a shit and just knit (don’t we all?) and is worried that his team is terrible.

How dare you fucking knit while you're in my house?

But after he calls them out they start working harder, including Martha. Also Dolvett got most of the old people which is kind of weird I guess. Commercial!

And we’re back. Dolvett reminds us that he did only slightly better than Anna last season, and a lot shittier than Bob. But didn’t his contestant win overall? Can someone check me on that? Allison reminds us that she hasn’t conquered the world of grey clothes yet.

Or the world of hair. I guess no one told her that Joe Dirt didn't use hair spray for a reason.

Yellow mom (on the black team. Didn’t know how to play Rock Paper Scissors) loses 9. Jizz’em (black) loses 12. I expected more from him. Purple daughter (?) (black team) loses only 7. So these are all on the black team I guess. Lolita loses 8. Jeremy (green douchebag brother) is next. For some reason his sister hates the blue/red guy. Ooookay. Holy shit look at Jeremy’s nipples.

Snauseges!…*dog panting* Snauseges!

Like the dog treat? Get it? Oy vey. Anyway Snauseges loses 13. And since he’s huge he has a huge responsibility to lose a huge number. He’s disappointed in 13 pounds. Here’s to Snauseges going home! Maybe if your parents didn’t breed such douchebags…Blue/Black team member loses 15. Baldy loses 15. Pink/Black/Blonde loses 10. She really is one of those beautiful face people…she would be pretty hot. We’ll actually call her by her name, Emily. For now at least. Little Martha Dumptruck (Orange/Black) loses something but we go to commercial before! Suspense! And we’re back. She loses 14. Black’s team total is 3.6 percent.

Red team needs to lose 94 pounds to be in the green. Santa looks smaller than when we first met him.

Have you lost weight? Oh yeah.

Green bitch loses 9. Blue/Red loses 13. Purple mom loses 9. Mia Ham loses 9. A lot of 9′s. Papa Jizz’em loses 9. Why are his nipples so tiny, while Green Doucher’s are so fucking huge? Their bodies are not THAT different in size…

When a show has you studying nipple diameters, you know it's time for a change.

Back to un-nipple-related news…Martha loses a measly 5. And she thinks “they” did something to the scale. Dolvett is pissed and doesn’t comfort her. Wah. Kim Pink/Red loses 13. Buddy (Brown glasses) has to lose at least 13 in order for them to be safe. And he loses 22. Holy shit that’s like…a small child. Well go red team. I never know whether or not to capitalize Red Team or just leave it as red team. So excuse me if I switch between them. Black team has to vote off. Orange Girl is safe. Everyone is giving them reasons to stay. Baldy wants to go home, but he lost the most weight. No one wants him to leave. I say vote her off. Win yo asses some money!  Let’s get to it! Yellow votes Ben. Aaaand with that he just leaves. Sooo no vote really? Just because he wanted to? Lame. Well that’s that. Baldy looks great.

So what are your thoughts?

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