The Biggest Loser Recap: Hide Ya Kids, Hide Ya Other Kids.

Maybe (definitely) I’m being critical and grumpy. Oh well. Luckily Lindsay’s sister is back on the screen to save us from this.

Dolvett is visiting her family talking about stuff. They talk about bullying and it’s actually really sincere (take notes Jillian, you fuck truck). He brings in the high school cheer leading squad to help Lindsay get over her fear. Awww. She’s pretty cute about it all too, so again, these three kids already have scored more points in my book than all of the adults combined.

Challenge time! Allison is copying Conair’s 90′s braid, though it’s much less endearing on her. Her outfit is fine though, even if it is just a workout outfit, she’s fucked it up before.

Yum.

 Today they’re running a 5k. That can’t be healthy for these people…I know a 5k isn’t that far, but it takes more than a few weeks of working out I would think…then again I’m not a runner so I wouldn’t know. The Boys and Girls Club gets  a bunch of money for the hell of it, and all of the teams get money depending on what place they come in. Allison makes sure to point out that she gets to exercise with them. Guarantee she’s one of those people who post on their facebook about going to the gym and causes me to throw shit at them when I see them. Just so you know Allison, we won’t be impressed when you beat all of these people. All of the contestants are worried. 

And they’re off! Danni surprises no one and takes the early lead, with Flipper right behind her. Bearclaw actually surprises me and she’s doing pretty well. The blue team sucks ass but I like Alex and Gina so I’ll excuse it. Michael never fails to say stupid shit and says things out loud like “Family”, “my wife”, “my son”, and “my libido”. Shhhh Michael. 

Utah is falling apart! Luckily Dr. Whatshisname is here to save him with an inhaler. Danni gets 1st (woot), Flipper gets 2nd, Bearclaw gets 3rd, after Danni runs up to her to motivate her. 

No Danni, you’re supposed to run the opposite way!

The rest all finish, and it looks like white will win, red will get 2nd, and blue will get last. Joy. We come back from  a commercial break to Jillian forcing Sunny to try rowing, and Sunny looks understandably terrified.

Stage a coup!

Jillian thinks it will be fun for both of them. They’re practicing with some team, and Jillian is true to form and threatens them with death if they let her out on the water with them. I wonder if that’s because she’ll wreck the ship or work them out until they pass out in a pile of their own vomit. Or both. Jillian ends up on the water and no one died (as far as we know) and it’s all pretty positive. After rowing they sit down with her mom and talk about the inner conflict Jillian has forced on Sunny. One piece that’s worth noting is that Jillian’s necklace does indeed read “JM” not “Jizz” though it still looks like it.

This saddens me.

Sunny is scared of disappointing her mom, and frankly, I’m afraid of her mom as well.

Woof.

Sunny easily comes to an agreement with her mom that she’s just going to try other things. This is so forced it hurts me. It’s not Sunny’s fault, but still. Moving on to Biingo, and Bob is wearing leggings.

No.

They’re at the home field of the Frederick Keys which is a minor league team. Didn’t they just have an NFL player on this show? They’re in California and last I checked they had at least two Major League Baseball teams. Bob looks super awkward in a baseball jersey but Biingo looks pretty adorable as he talks about baseball all with a boot on his leg.

Get this kid his own show.

That was way better than Jillian force feeding issues down Sunny’s throat. The trainers are back on the ranch! Dolvett is happy with Utah stepping it up. And of course Dolvett never fails to have the creepiest look on his face as he watches. 

Yikes.

Jillian is proud that Danni and Bearclaw got third and that Pam is strong, which is why Jillian pushes her. Bob is happy too. This week’s shameless product placement is yogurt smoothies from Yoplait. Dolvett never really comes out and says the smoothies they’re making are good for you, he just says that the contestants should definitely eat breakfast. I hate/love these product placements.  Last Chance Workouts! I just realized that Jeff from the blue team looks like Don Vito from Viva la Bam (his creepy uncle). 

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Hide ya kids! Hide ya other kids! Don Vito it is. Bob is worried because the white team has been working extra hard. Dolvett is mad that Flipper should step up and be a leader but he kind of sucks ass. I want him to flip shit and blow up like Jillian does, but instead he only kind of  yells in a motivational way. Boo. Flipper is hurt and Dolvett is not happy. Yell Dolvett, FUCKING YELL. Instead he still calmly talks him up and gets him back in the gym. This is why I nap through Bob and Dolvett’s parts. Jillian thinks that the white team is doing way better than the blue team. Granted, Gina.

Let me count the ways I love thee.

Jillian thinks they all suck. Meh, I don’t know if you’ve noticed Jillian but they’re all still here on the ranch, so. FINALLY DRAMA. Don Vito is sucking ass (as usual) and Jillian is calling him on it. He thinks she’s being too negative (which is kind of true, but still. STFU and do it, this is her job). She kind of hits the nail on the head when she says he’s a young kid who has a chip on his shoulder but has no reason to. It’s pretty great. 

You young whipper snappers NEED TO MAN THE FUCK UP.

She ends up kicking him out of her area and sends him to Bob. I kind of want to punch Don Vito in the jejunum at this point, mostly cause of the stupid look on his face. Bitch has a false sense of entitlement, that’s for sure. Jillian says she doesn’t give a shit about Don Vito, but Bob claims she does. I don’t care either way, as long as we get awesome freakouts like  these. 

Weigh in time! Allison is dressed like some Space Alien Princess from a bad 80′s movie, only with worse bangs.

Also: sideboob!

It’s a regular yellow line week, and annoying Michael loses 12. That strange dad loses 9. Attractive Alex  is down 4 and is sad. I like her, but I feel like the minute the blue team loses she’ll probably be the first to go. Gina loses 9, and Bob reminds me how great I am and says she’s one to watch. You better not go home anytime soon Gina. Don Vito only loses 6. HAHA. He deserved that. I hate telling Jillian she’s right, but she probably is. I hope he goes home. I’m starting a new tradition where we name the douchiest trainer of the weigh in, and this week it’s Bob! Sorry Dolvett! But that doesn’t give you an excuse to be smelling your fingers.

Though they probably smell better than Jillian.

In order for red to beat blue they have to lose 29 pounds. Flipper loses 7 and is disappointed.  Francey Pants 7. Likable Lisa loses a solid 9. It all comes down to Utah. Aaaaand he shows up again this week and loses it’s pretty endearing to see him lose 12. Blue team might be in trouble! Danni loses a 6 and doesn’t feel safe at all. Bearclaw is up next! She only loses 3. She’s going home because Danni lost more weight, therefore is immune as the biggest loser on the white team. Sucks! I would have loved to see Don Vito go home, but I won’t miss Bearclaw AT ALL. It’s all positive though and she loses a bunch of weight and wants to “own her sassiness”. Go Bearclaw but I really won’t miss you at all. So bye. Anyway, sorry again for the sickness, but I’m working on the next episode as we speak! Thanks for keeping up with me. See you soon!