The Biggest Loser Recap: Ronald McDonaldland

***Did you think we forgot about Biggest Loser? Well, we didn’t. We just needed a little time to find a recapper funny enough to fill Bluzgirl’s shoes, as she’s been moved over to American Horror Story. And we found him! Please welcome Taterz to the family!

Hi Gasmii! It’s Taterz and this is my first post and I’m excited and all that lovey dovey crap so thanks!

Previously on The Biggest Loser…

The black team was whiny and the red team lost Courtney and was sad. Apparently the Blue Team sucks so bad they don’t get any mention at all anymore? Pity. In case you’ve missed it, this season is all about age and which age group can lose more. There’s the young(er) team which is people below 30 (Dolvett’s red team),  the older than 50 team (Anna’s blue team), and in between (Bob’s black team). So far Bob hasn’t lost, Anna sucks, and for some reason I always forget Dolvett’s name and end up with some name that sounds either Italian/Mexican or vaguely Korean so if I screw his name up, bear with me.

The contestants enter some big room filled with tons of Halloween decorations and they’re all excited. Ramon (who I call Hairy Grimace, as in the McDonalds character. Yes I know the characters’ names from McDonalds. No I do not require a jazzy to get around Wal-Mart, though I’m not opposed to the idea) LOVES Halloween. I sure hope he makes it to the makeover episode. I mean he was overdue for a makeover like…15 years ago I’m sure but apparently bandanas are still okay in some cultures.

So blah blah blah they’re excited when Allison enters looking the sexiest I’ve seen her in like, 8 seasons.

 

Everyone is impressed with how into character she is. She says that there are some scary facts about Halloween. Apparently the average American spends 44 dollars on Halloween candy alone, which, in my opinion, sounds like a low number but then again I always get a giant bag for Trick-or-Treaters (half of which doesn’t get eaten anyway) and another bag of Almond Joys for myself so I guess I’m different. She goes with more stats, basically saying Americans eat a fuck ton of candy. The temptation challenge is that for every pound of candy they eat, they get a pound advantage at the weigh in. Then she drops a HUGE bombshell on them. Everything is always so much more dramatic on The Biggest Loser. They won’t be weighing in against each other, they’ll be weighing in as one team. The only weigh to avoid elimination altogether is if they lose ONE HUNDRED pounds.

There are no team divides, and the trainers can train whomever they choose. So basically they’ll all be jonesing to train with Bob. Dolvett checks in with his team to find that Courtney went home. He doesn’t seem to give a shit so I’m sure that’s comforting to her. Hairy Grimace tells him about the group weigh in and he kind of gives this weird grin that should be on a Mac n Cheese commercial or something.

He gets all maniacal and sadistic saying he’s “Been waiting for this.” WTF? And it cuts to the black team, who is making MUCH more progress:

 

Sonny and Gollum are trying to figure out how much candy is in a pound. They measure it out and Sonny (Sunny?) sticks it down her pants and walks away with it. It is pretty cruel and unusual to stick a giant ass cauldron full of candy in the kitchen where, you know, they’ll be eating. I should go have me an Almond Joy…

Okay I’m back. They’re in the gym and Dolcett is working out the three big guys: Sad Football player, Gollum, and another black team member. Bob is yelling at Becky, Hairy Grimace, and other guy (who looks like an Austin?) on the red team about how important this week is. As opposed to the other 82098375 weeks that are basically just a game of tiddlywinks. The girls are stuck with Anna and she has them working out by lying on the ground and doing leg exercises (though I’m convinced they’re just watching TV.

 

Apparently Jennifer has a really close relationship with Bob and Anna is worried about how she’ll respond to her workouts. Then Jennifer starts crying. Jesus. What is it about Bob that keeps these women all over him? More workouts and Vinny (formerly known as Austin) can actually run fast. I think these workouts are why I never make it through an entire season of this show. I would rather not watch people succeed at shit, okay, NBC? Dolcev takes Brian(?) aside to talk about his struggles. Apparently they adopted two eastern European boys, had another failed adoption attempt, and his dad passed away. OMG Dolcev was adopted! So this got us….yyyeah. Nowhere. Meanwhile back at the kitchen…

 

I was expecting a shameless product placement but they just showed us small clips of Jennie-O turkey sausage. Oh and Hairy Grimace and RedTeamGirl are in “like” so expect more bacon flavored kisses to come. Challenge time! There is a giant maze set up with a bunch of apples scattered around the maze. The contestants have to run around the maze and gather as many apples as possible, and then exit the maze and put them in their bucket. If they get 150 pounds of apples, it’s a 5 pound advantage, 200 pounds, 10 pound, and so on. Once they exit they can go back in, but if there’s anyone left in the maze the entire award is cancelled out.

The black team’s strategy is to “divide and conquer”. As opposed to moving throughout the maze as one giant clump? Hairy Grimace says he’s in his element and doing awesome. Soooo your element is running through bales of hay? With cheap Wal-Mart decorations everywhere? Collecting apples? Wow. No wonder red girl lubs him so much. They all seem to be doing pretty well? As far as I can tell anyway. Sad Football Player won’t enter the styrofoam (spelling?) graveyard. Then they all are getting a few more to make it to 200 pounds but there’s like 15 seconds left. Holy shit Hairy Grimace bugs me. I don’t know why. Actually do. It has to be the bandana. I mean I thought I was hot shit when I had one. In like 5th grade.

So anyway, they win the challenge and get a 9 pound advantage. Hooray. Back at the ranch all of the contestants decide to tell Bob that they got a 10 pound advantage by eating candy. Those wacky funsters! Bob is predictably pissed. And then they tell him the truth. Aw shucks. Bob is leading them through a circuit, followed by workouts with the other two nimrods. Bob is basically killing Bonnie. She’s lifting weights and literally screaming. It’s kind of half-orgasm sounding so maybe she’s mixing a little pleasure with her pain? Who knows, I don’t like to think about what’s going on below those sweaty necks. Next up is tennis with Anna. Pahaha. Okay, I love tennis. And I do think it’s a good way to get your heart going. That being said, I don’t think these people are going to work off too many calories playing tennis…but then again she has them running a lot (or so it seems) so maybe she’s not as terrible as I think she is? Although the remaining two blue team members sort of say differently…

Onto Dolvey. He has some high energy workout. He’s all stoked about being in charge of his little minons. He’s so maniacal!

He seems to be working them out pretty hard. Then he has them yell out about dedication and hard work, but Vinny can’t hear Jennifer yelling it out so it bugs him. Boo hoo. After the workout, we check in with Vinny and a black team member (I really need to do better at names) who looks like my old snack shack boss so we’re going to call him Snack Pack because it rhymes.  They’re sitting in these like, weird garbage cans full of water? Maybe I haven’t been paying attention this season but I have no idea WTF they are.

 

I guess they’re ice baths. Snack Pack is all paranoid and Vinny is trying to convince him he doesn’t always have to be thinking people are out to get him. Snack Pack is letting all of his barriers down. He thanks Vinny for helping him with that. Okay, that’s actually kind of touching I suppose. But then they show the two ice baths compared to each other, and why the hell is Vinny’s so much smaller than snack pack’s? Really though I don’t get it.

 

Well if you’ve made it this far, we’ve reached the half way point! Hooray! Only like…3 hours of this show left. Why do they always have to have such a long ass show? I get that they want to pack it full of stuff, but watching people succeed can only hold my interest for so long. So Bob is punishing some of the contestants for playing that trick on him and makes them do hill workouts. He’s going to have Vinny and Gollum push Sunny up the hill in a wheel barrel. You can probably guess how well that turns out.

Don’t worry. They broke the first wheel barrel. Hilarity ensues. Bob sends Gollum and Sunny and their way and has one on one time with Vinny. Vinny had a big family, and had an abusive father. That’s pretty sad. Luckily the most abuse I ever suffer is shoe shopping with my dad. Seriously, the most tortuous thing I’ve ever done. Then he says he ate more so he would be bigger, therefore not being able to be hurt by other people. Oh and he has always been the fat funny guy. I actually like Vinny, I decided. He’s way better than Snack Pack or Hairy Grimace, nowhere near as annoying. Ohhh how sweeet. Hairy and Jessica are one a date. As far as women on this show, Jessica is definitely one of the more attractive ones. I feel like she can do better than Hairy…but maybe he has some kick ass personality I’m just not seeing. Oy vey. All of the trainers show up dressed like Muskateers, seeing as it’s “All for one” week.

 

Last chance work out! And it involves candy. If it’s seeing who can eat ten pounds of candy, I’m in. Anna has them lifting candy as weights, using that rope thing, all that jazz. This is where I start to see what’s on other channels so bear with me some more. Dolvett is working them on the treadmills, and Vinny says it’s not “My way or the highway. It’s my highway with Dolvett”. Not bad as far as cheesy metaphor things go. Sad Football Player is, well, sad. Or at least he looks that way.

 

Oh and then this happened:

 

Then the girls gave Sad Football Player and Snack Pack piggyback rides. Well damn. That’s pretty impressive. I’m like twice my little brother’s size and I always try to get piggy back rides and it never works out. Being jealous of people on the biggest loser = new low.

 

During the workout, Anna takes Jessica aside to talk about Grimace. Basically Jessica used to be hot. Then she “lost herself”, gained weight, and ended her 6 year relationship. I always wonder how many of these little one on one things are set up by the producers. Anyway, Anna gets her to talk about Ramon and they’re in this together and blah blah blah. If I can’t have a lover, then neither can she! I would probably support this more if she wasn’t dating Grimace…here’s a picture of non-hairy Grimace for you non McDonaldland fans:

Hot

Weigh in time (we’re almost done)! Allison looks like the Black Swan but with glass ballsacks hanging from her ears.

 

Snack Pack is 9 pounds away from tying Moses with being the fastest to lose 100 pounds. That just doesn’t sound healthy at all. And he does it! Hooray Snack Pack. If my boss at that snack shack wasn’t such a douche, I might root for you, but probably not. He loses 10. Sad Football loses 8. Gollum (Smeagle?) loses 8. They seem to be doing pretty well. Sunny loses…gains 5 pounds. Holy shit. She’s pretty sad. Bob is kind of a dick about it. I think he’s trying to be motivational, but to me he sounds like a dick. Well, bye Sunny! Jennifer loses 4 pounds.  Bonnie loses 1 pound. Wow…hasn’t been a good week for the women.  And then Becky continues this trend and loses 1 pound. Can I just say Anna is lucky they’re all together this week? Otherwise she would have exactly one person left? It’s like that season where Jillian sent home both Bob and Kim (I think that was her name)’s teams.  Jessica loses 4 pounds and is happy with it. Ramon loses 2 pounds. He gives douchey commentary about how he’ll do this all damn day and his mind feels amazing even when his body doesn’t. Anna scolds him for being in a relationship and he and Jessica get all defensive. Big whoop this is boring. They barely lost 38 pounds collectively…yikes. If Jillian were here, she’d definitely bring out the crazy eyes.

So Snack Pack is safe and they have to vote someone out. My guess is Sunny since she gained 5…but maybe Grimace? Hopefully it’s Grimace. Sad Football keeps saying how hard it will be to send one of “you guys” home. How do you know it won’t be you? Douche bag. Jennifer says Bob can tap into the things she’s going through. Then Vinny yells at her for not being a good girl for the other trainers. He’s really really pissed at her about not saying it and not admitting to it. He storms out. He’s kind of overreacting in my eyes. Come one Vinny, I actually liked you, don’t ruin it! God forbid I have to root for one of the blue ladies!

Time for the vote! Vinny votes for Jennifer, and so does Jessica. I suppose this comes down to the black team, and if they actually will vote her off. I kind of don’t think she deserves to go. She might not be the most willing to work with other trainers, but at least she didn’t gain 5 fucking pounds. Grimace votes for Jennifer, and she votes for Grimace. And so does Snack Pack. Grimace might be going home after all! Buuut then Smeagle votes for Jennifer. And so does Sad Football. Sunny continues this trend and votes off Jennifer. Bye Jennifer! Your team is kind of a giant douche bag, but I didn’t like you that much so I’m not too bummed.

It’s her montage and she’s talking about how she has been called an athlete and thought she was going to be fat her whole life and yeah. Then they show Bob screaming at her that he’ll “Break her other leg if she doesn’t keep going!”. Jesus.

 

She’s lost like 106 pounds. So go her, and she looks great. Apparently some dress shop owner told her she’d give her some dress if she lost 100 pounds so she gets this pretty green dress and everyone is happy! Well there you have it. Thanks for reading/surviving through this extremely LONG episode. Thoughts? Do you have Grimace as much as I do? Maybe I’m just an ass. Or maybe he is. Or maybe both. Either way, see you next week!