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Heyyy youuuu guuuuuys! It’s me, Taterz, and I’m back recapping no one’s favorite weight loss show, The Biggest Loser! In case you haven’t heard, this season there will be BIG changes. If you haven’t heard of the biggest one, you’ve probably at least heard her loud ass voice screaming at you how bad you suck. Who could I be talking about?
After we’re reminded of how awful she is, we’re then taken to a big auditorium filled with screaming people and dramatic music. Oh how I’ve missed the uber dramatic music. Say hello to the hostess (RIP) with the mostest, Allison Sweeney!
She then introduces us to THE 3 PEOPLE THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING. Are you thinking it’s the trainers? No! It’s the poor children who were somehow coerced into participating.
Their names are Sunny, Lindsay and Noah, but Noah goes by Biingo (with two I’s, teh fuk?). All of their intros are pretty unremarkable. Biingo and Lindsay can’t play sports with their friends, Sunny is a junior and takes a bunch of hard classes and is stressed. I already like all 3 of them way more than the trainers, the host, and probably the contestants combined. And speak of the devil, look who is brought onto the stage!
and not to be outdone…
Jillian doesn’t get a picture because she sucks and we’ll see enough of her devil eyes later. Biingo gets Bob, Lindsay gets Dolvett, and Sunny gets Jillian (short straw). And now the contestants! The contestants are in the audience and have no idea they’re going to be on the show. I wondered why there were so many over weight people in the audience. Clever there NBC! The contestants start off pretty unremarkable as well. The first one kind of bugs me, but Lisa the Special Ed teacher kind of tugs at my heart strings, same with the kid from Utah (I’m rooting from you since that’s where I’m from, so don’t fuck it up). Then there is a really sad story about a man who basically fucked his kid up in a car wreck because he was overweight.
Well that was sad. Anyway, his kid is normal and has metal bolts in his head. More generally forgettable and likable contestants. As long as we’re free from Conda’s terror, we’re golden. Oh and Kid Crusher’s name is TC. He’s auditioned like a million times and they spend a bunch of time talking to him so, he’s either winning this whole thing or going home this episode. MARK MY WORDS.
They get separated into teams, and Jillian’s white team is understandably terrified. Into the gym! First up, Jillian eats the children! Joking. But they do go play baseball with Dolvett. Meanwhile…
Well good job Utah. You’re off to a great start. Oh and meet Nate:
And he makes my shit list by likening him falling over all of the time to weight loss. I think he’s just being a pussy. Thank god I don’t have children. I would definitely be that dad who throws their children into the lake to teach them how to swim. Actually, I’d do that to Nate, Jillian, and TC (the kid crusher). Really though he sucks and keeps falling over faking injury. I admit I’m pretty hard on all of these people, but the you can tell when they’re just being sucky. Oh and add Nikki (who is actually really pretty) to the list of Jillian’s sucky team. I will say, as much as I hate Jillian, I think her training probably works the best. If these people can’t choose to do it for themselves no one will.
Nate is feeling all mopey and Kate cheers him up. It’s actually kind of touching, and it makes me like Kate, but hate Nate more. CHALLENGE TIME! The challenge involves the kids suspended above a ball pit with letters hidden in the ball pit. They direct the contestants through the pit to the letters of “The Biggest Loser”. There are huge poles telling the kids where the letters are. I’m terrible at describing these things. Anyway, ball pits.
Bridesmaids anyone? Anyway, white takes an early lead, then blue overtakes it. Biingo fucks up and forgets a letter and it’s close! Buuut in the end it’s white and they win a 5 pound advantage. Congrats. Also worth noting is Allison looking like every mormon girl from my 8th grade class on the 1st day of school.
Oh and to top it off she’s wearing cowboy boots. Anyway, the white team wins and they send the children on their merry way with a bunch of prizes (bikes, ipads, etc.). On to the last chance workout! Jillian warns the sucky people on her team that she’s going to kill them. Utah pukes but keeps going. I think his body really did give out yesterday, while the others were just pussies. Nikki stands around watching, and the older blonde lady on the blue team falls over and calls herself the weakest link. Nate and TC actually do pretty well which confirms Jillian’s theory that they’re just pussies. Nikki does more of what she’s best at.
Her and Jillian basically agree that she doesn’t want it enough or that she’s not ready. I have to giver her credit though. At least she’s recognizing if she’s not ready. I will still make fun of her and call her names, but at least she knows what’s coming to her. After the commercial, Jillian givers her an ultimatum. Workout, or door. She picks the door! Well that was relatively painless (at least for me). LOL though at the fact that Jillian’s necklace looks like it says Jizz and not Jill. Bye Nikki!
Weigh in! Allison greets us looking like an Alien. Like, literally the alien from the movie “Alien”, not just any old alien.
Instead of a yellow line, there will be a red one. Meaning no vote! Lowest weight loss on losing team goes home. White team is up first! Nate loses 20 and Nate loses 15, so for 2 pussies, go them. Overall white team loses 5.61%, with TC being the one in danger if they lose. Red is next and has to lose 81 pounds in order to stay safe. Over all, they pretty much double the white team so they’re safe. Blue team! Despite a misstep from Ashley (only losing 9 pounds) they still beat the white team. Sorry TC! That actually does suck for him, since he auditioned like 12 times for this sad show. Buuut what can I say? The other teams as well as his team mates worked harder. Of course he looks great and all is well in the end. At least we don’t have to hear him cry anymore. Thanks for reading! Check back next week!