The Biggest Loser Recap

Hi errbody! I have to say, I really did love your guys’ comments a lot! Please keep them coming.

Previously on TBL: Things between Jessica and Hairy Grimace got “hot and heavy” (ew) and Anna was pissed. The Black team still lost the most weight and were still douche bags and voted off on of their own. Let’s get to it!

At the after party from the weigh in, Allison tells the contestants to wear the shirts with their ages on them that they wore in the first episode. Also they’ve lost 504 pounds as a group. They want to know why and Allison will tell them tomorrow.

Jesus Allison, Halloween is over.

Back at the ranch, the Black Team is worried that their team will be all shook up, and that they’ll forever be the Black Team.

And the Football Player will be forever sad.

He gives some bullshit analogy to winning football teams. In case you forgot, he played football. Did anyone catch which team he played for? I’m usually distracted by either his douche bag comments, or his crocodile tears to really listen to what he’s saying. The contestants are all trying to figure out why they’re putting those shirts back on. Bonnie (blue team) really shakes up the old people stereotype by talking about the weather.

From this day forward, I am now referring to you as Grandma Pearl.

The contestants walk up to the challenge to see the three flags from day one with their trainers’ names on them. Holy shit there’s only like, ten people left. Is this season shorter? Thanks NBC!

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Allison splits them up into groups of 3, by age again. Smeagle is bitching because she split him from his team (apparently he’s the oldest on the black team) but then Allison drops A BOMB. THIS ISN’T YOUR TEAM ZOMFG! Yawn.

Aaaand cue his uncontrollable sobs.

They get to pick their teams I guess. There is a table set up that has three of their favorite foods on it (pizza, burgers, etc.) Each member from the three groups has to guess how many total calories are in the 3 foods. The person who comes closest from each group gets first choice of trainers, second gets second choice, third gets third choice. After that they will choose one person from each age group to be on their teams. Jessica is NOT happy. How will she get her burger lubbin from Hairy Grimace!?!?

I want you so bad right now.

Nothing could be more important! Says Allison. Not breathing, water, sex, Grimace, NOTHING. The youngens are up first. Jessica’s favorite food is chicken caeser salad with extra extra dressing, with lots of bread. Grimace’s favorite food is 12 Tacos and 2 burritos. Damn I was really hoping it was Big Macs. In his flashback he says he “gets busy” with tacos. Um…he says he and his dad would have taco eating contests. I’ve done that before. Mind you it was at like, 4 in the morning (Del Taco is open 24 hours. They really care about me there okay?) and I was with about 10 fraternity brothers and we were all understandably shit faced. Don’t judge me.  ANYWAY, Vinny’s favorite food is a country breakfast with biscuits and chocolate gravy. Ew. Guessing time! Jessica guesses 6200, Vinny guesses 9000, Grimace guesses 2500 calories. Pahahahahah dream on Grimace.  Isn’t that the recommended daily value of calories? Please go home this episode. In the salad there are 2249 calories alone! My guess is Jessica wins. There are 3100 calories in the tacos. That’s 5349 calories so far (Allison did the math, not me). The breakfast had  1700 calories. Jessica wins!

She picks Dolvett. Oh I was wrong on the rules. Each player picks their own trainer, but they pick in the order of who came the closest (in this case, Jessica, Vinny, then Grimace). Understand? Grimace hopes that Vinny will pick Anna after she “blasted” him at the weigh in last week. Ever notice how Grimace uses a lot of slang terms? And a lot of African American Vernacular English (also known as jive or ebonics. It’s a real thing look it up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/African_American_Vernacular_English)?

McGangsta

Vinny isn’t a dumbass, and chooses Bob. Grimace is nervous about being with Anna. Maybe there is hope after all if she’s his trainer…Football player’s favorite food is a cheeseburger and fries. Snack Pack’s favorite food is 3 cheeseburgers! 3 fucking cheeseburgers! And they appear to be big ones, not just the dollar ones I get when I’ve spent too much on PBR. Sunny’s is a cheese enchilada with all of the sides. Mmmm I’m hungry. And it’s 10:30 in the morning. My life…The grand total is 8800 calories for the entire table. Football picks first, and picks Bob. Sunny is next and picks Anna, and Snack Pack gets Dolvett. There are like, 4500 calories in Sunny’s meal by the way, and I love me some mexican food.

Nameless Blue lady likes pizza, Grandma Pearl likes fried veal cutlets with baked mac n’ cheese, and Smeagle basically likes the Tour of Italy from Olive Garden.

Smeagle shows how big his "balls" are. Fwah fwah I'm funny.

Nameless Blue Lady wins (there were 7,408 calories, she guessed like 6400). She picks Bob, Smeagle is crying. He picks Anna, and Gma Pearl is left with Dolvett, though she’s crying tears of joy. I guess she hated Anna that much. They all go to meet their trainers. Where the fuck does Grimace get all of these bandanas? Go to hell NBC! Do not encourage this behavior!

On Wednesdays, we wear pink. Pink Bandanas.

They’re all bitching about being stuck with Anna. Grimace is mad because she called him out in front of everyone. Smeagle is mad because Bob knew him. Anna doesn’t really give a shit and tells them that it’s not like Bob can be with them for the rest of their lives anyway. Amen sista.

Smeagle forgot the taste of Bob. LOTR references anyone?

Anna tells him to be a man and get tough. And Smeagle gets all pissed. Oh my god. I really am over this dependency on Bob. I get he’s a great trainer but Anna has a point. Him sitting there bitching about how mad he is and how much better Bob is than Anna isn’t going to do shit. Smeagle you are now on my shit list.

Bob’s orientation goes much better and they just start training. Actually, so does Dolvett’s. Snack Pack is crying, bleh. On the way to their workout, Smeagle and Grimace are bitching about how much they hate tennis and hate the way Anna is sitting on the stairs. Can we have a double elimination? And send them both home? More workouts ensue and Sad Football is sad about working out. Dolvett is going hard on Gma Pearl and doesn’t give a shit about how old she is. Then she stats crying about “The only man she ever loved” and we cut to commercial. WTF?

We’re back and it’s her husband she was talking about. She’s ready to start dating and wants to write her husband (who died) a letter. She’s ready to put her paws on the Puerto Rican pool boy and get busy!

Cougartown.

This week’s shameless product placement is Jennie-O-turkey. Dolvett makes them healthy version of their favorite food. Is this episode over yet? Anna shares her personal story with her team. They have a breakthrough because she was poor and Soviet-Russian and apparently that convinces them she deserves their respect. I think they’re all jackasses.  FINALLY the halfway point. My ass is sore.

Challenge time! It’s a slip and slide challenge. Prepare yourselves for some sideboobs, and I’m not talking about Anna’s (sadly)! They have to slide down the slide to go unscramble a puzzle. Seems pretty simple. And now I present you with gratuitous pictures of man boobs, because I care!

You’re welcome

Vinny knows how to work a water slide, and Jessica doesn’t. And Gma Pearl is hurt! And it’s a commercial! Whyyy Biggest Loser gods? And we’re back. And she’s not really hurt, she’s just emotional. The teams can’t figure out their puzzle. Blue team thinks they have it but they don’t! Black has a chance! I know you’re all as excited as I’m trying to be. And Blue team wins. They have to choose one person who will have immunity, but they will still weigh in as a team. giveittosunnygiveittosunnygiveittosunny. And they Rock Paper Scissors for it and Smeagle gets it. Bullshit.

As if I couldn’t hate Smeagle more, he’s joined the bandana brigade.

They’re all working out and they’re all happy. Bob reminds us how awesome he is and that he’s won 5 weigh ins in a row.  Weigh in time! GMa Pearl starts off with losing 7. Get it girl. Snack Pack loses 15…that cannot be healthy…Jessica loses 8. Go red team. Vinny loses 12 pounds, Becky loses 11, Sad loses 16. Wow, I thought the Red Team had this. I guess they were bound to lose a lot after their shitty week last week. Sunny loses 10, Grimace loses 16 (still a douche), and Smeagle loses 15. Sucks red team! Don’t vote off my Gma Pearl! Blue team wins the week and Grimace is worried about “the love of his life” going home. I’m sure she’s your true love after like, 7 weeks of knowing her. Time for the vote! Grimace votes Gma. Blue Woman votes Jessica. Vinny votes Gma. Sad votes Jessica. Sunny votes for Jessica. Bye Jessica! This just in: Grimace is an ugly crier. I know you’re surprised. Jessica has lost a bunch of weight and looks awesome.

Well there you have it. Sorry this was so long and boring. This episode was kind of lame. Maybe Grimace will be less annoying now that his McGirlfriend is gone? I doubt it. He’ll probably get more annoying. And how about Smeagle? I was pretty surprised at how much they liked Anna after their bitchfit. I’m still rooting for Vinny and of course Gma Pearl! Let me know what you think, thanks!