The City: A Cold Day in Elle

Tonight on The City: Erin and Joe head to L.A. for a photo shoot with Fergie, and Olivia stays behind to do what she does best — go to lunch on company time. And Whit has a little date with the Frenchman. Zut alors! Allons-y!

And apparently, winning an Oscar did nothing to further Tilda Swinton’s career.

At Elle, Joe’s excited about the Fergie cover. There’s a lot of talk about Burberry. I thought they just made raincoats. Joe wants Fergie to look faaaaabulous! I like Joe Zee. I like Erin. I could go for drinks with those two. If they paid. But the rest of these people in the dressing room today? Nuh-uh. They crap pretentiousness and then wipe it off their asses with Versace scarves. Some Tilda Swinton looking hellcat says they should use some Armani. Olivia prefers the Armani, and says that diamond-y boots would be like, totally boss, and then says that Fergie should have tons of diamonds to wear. Like what, for example, Joe asks. Like the ring Olivia’s wearing, obviously! Everyone loves it. Erin confirms Fergie’s schedule, and says they’ll be meeting in L.A. Joe tells Olivia that she can’t come to L.A. because he’s like, What you did today was great (She picked out A RING and said that Fergie should wear lots of diamonds. She did nothing. Nothing!), but her work has to be consistent. Which is a nice way of saying, You’re a heinous evil person and you suck. So, no L.A. for Olivia!

Awwwwww, devastation! Love it.

At Peep’s Rev, Whitney’s trying to pick backgrounds for her look book, with Roxy’s “help.” Whit tells her about how Jonathan asked her to go out for drinks, and how she should ask him to shoot her look book. Kelly says that Whit should go out with him, because every girl in fashion should go out with a French guy. “Because it’s a great way to learn the language, and it’s a great way to get banged.” Nice! Who wants to work for Kelly Cutrone? I do! Whit says she’ll email him back and go for drinks with him. Zut alors!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce:

The new face of awesome bitchiness and back-stabbery.

So, this is Seth. He’s Robbie’s assistant. Robbie is like the creative director or CEO or Assistant to the Regional Sales Manager of Elle magazine. Which means Seth has to pick up her dry cleaning, walk her dogs, and love her children. Because Robbie just doesn’t have time for it! Today he’s picking up some jewelry for Robbie for some black-tie function or benefit. It’s the same night as Robbie’s daughter’s school play, but she doesn’t have to worry, because Seth will be there to hug her. Seth asks Olivia about L.A., and Olivia’s like, “No, I had no intention of going.” Oh! Bull. Shit. Olivia lies more than a no-legged dog outside a Louisiana gas station. And she does it on TV. Logical. But wait, there’s more — “I have work to do.” Do you? DO YOU?! Seth’s like, “Good employee.” Oh, for pete’s — I really hope a rack of clothes falls on the both of them and they get smothered in a pile of Lagerfeld mini skirts. Although, at this point, I am on the fence as to whether or not Seth is just playing games with Olivia . . . is he Team Erin or Team Olivia? I don’t know. He’s probably Team Jacob, though, of that I am quite sure.

Yay! We’re in L.A.! At the L’Ermitage Hotel, Erin arrives to talk to Joe about the Fergie cover shoot, of which Joe is incredibly excited about. Joe says Olivia’s good at picking out shiny things, and Erin — who is incredibly right — says that that’s not enough. Totally. Some pigs are good at picking out good truffles, but they’re still effing pigs. Joe says there are some parts of Olivia that are good. Um, her phalanges? Cuz everything else just pisses me off.

Back in New York, Whitney’s all dolled up in an ugly sparkly shirt for her mini-date with Jonathan the Stinky Frenchman. Jonathan shows up in a motorcycle, and Whit’s never been on one before. Jonathan: “It’s fun. You’ll like it. So let’s do it.”

“I totally just merde-ed my zut culottes.”

It’s cool that he cares about Whitney enough to ruin her hair with a helmut and her clothes with 40mph winds. They go to Charles for drinks and talk about the motorcycle for way too long. Whit asks him about being a war photographer, and he gives a an answer that sounds like it almost could be interesting, but it just ends up boring. He talks about drinking water out of a camel water pouch and getting sick from the bacteria.

So, so far, the date’s going great.

Then he brings up the photo shoot for Rue La La. Dude is kinda boring. Or as the French say, Il est tres . . . boring. I don’t remember the french word for boring. But he’s tres cute, and I hear that French guys are awesome in bed, so I think Whit should go for it. But of course she won’t, because she’s Whitney.

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod, it’s time for Fergie’s Elle shoot! Erin and Joe go over the clothes they’ve chosen for her.

Let’s hope Fergie Pee Pants remembers that the clothes today are just rentals.

Fergie loves the mint dress that Erin seems to love too. Then Joe says that the accessories make the outfit or something, and Fergie loves the chunky dragon ring that Olivia picked out. Erin’s kind of pissed about that. During the shoot, Joe once again says that Olivia’s strength is seriously “picking out a good piece of jewelry.” Which I hear looks awesome on a resume. Erin doesn’t say anything, but she looks frustrated and I can’t blame her. Because she’s thinking, But that bitch cannot work, like at all. Oh, Erin, honey — we all agree. Joe loves the Hot Pants and Dragon Ring cover photo, but Erin loves the Mint Green Simple Yet Seductive cover, and says that it’s the one that should be the cover.

Possibly Evil Seth from the office calls and says that he hasn’t seen Olivia all day, and apparently Little Miss 4 One Hour “Lunches” Per Day is having lunch with the new fashion director of Elle.

Oh, wow, so Olivia and the fashion director are having lunch on the Upper East Side. I would have thought that a Blimpie’s in Queens would have been more their style. Odd. So, this Alexis lady walks in, and I’m sorry, I don’t know her, but she’s so cold that dry ice freezes even more in her presence. And when you combine her with Olivia, it is literally the WASP-iest lunch ever.

“Before we get started, I think it’s important that I tell you that I can neither smile nor acknowledge anyone else’s presence in this room.”

“I completely understand. I haven’t even thought of anyone else but myself since I was 6 years old.”

“Emotions are for people who ride buses.”

“Precisely. And compassion is for people who clean toilets.”

Olivia says that she pulled some jewelry for Fergie, and — lord help us — says she was “so fortunate to be educated at a young age [about jewelry] to give input.” And if you think my little flippant screen grabs are an exaggeration, these two humble ladies compliment each others’ vintage Rolex and Cartier watches. And Olivia’s all, Shut up I almost wore my vintage Cartier too, but I chose the gold! Look, I’m not jealous . . . well, maybe a little . . . but if you go out of your way to explicitly tell me what you’re wearing just so I’ll be impressed, then I’m going to label you as a douchebag and move on. And then tell anybody else I can that you’re a douchebag. Alexis asks about working with Erin, and Olivia says it’s okay, and Alexis says you have to pay your dues if you wanna work in fashion.

At Peep’s Rev, Whit tells Roxy about how she had the date, but she doesn’t think they can have a relationship. She tells Kelly about it, and Kelly’s like, “Oh yeah, Frenchy, Frenchy.” Hee. Whit tells Kelly that he wants to shoot her look book, and Kelly’s all, Yeah, but he also wants to shoot . . . in your pants! Wow. Wow, I’m sorry about that you guys. That type of low-class talk belongs with The Hills, not this show. Roxy’s like, “People are offering you favors, you’d be stupid not to take them at this point.

“Because, believe me — I’ve done A LOT of ‘favors.’”

Back in L.A., it’s night time, and Erin and Joe are exhausted in their car on the way back to the hotel. They talk about the photo shoot, and Joe says the diamonds totally made the cover, and Erin’s like, Mmm-hmmm, it all came together and you love Olivia blah blah blah. Once again, Joe says he loves how Olivia can pick up sparkly things and talk about them, and at this point, I’m wondering if he’s contractually obligated to do this. Erin’s like, I can’t talk about Olivia and her sparkly accessorizing anymore, “it makes my skin crawl.” Joe’s like, You don’t have to put her on a pedestal, just acknowledge her work, and then Erin’s like, “Oliviadidagoodjobtoday,” with one of her awesome killer eye rolls. Gotta say, girl gives good eye.

It’s like Taxicab Confessions! Without the dildos.

Back at Peep’s Rev, it’s time for Whit’s look book shoot. All the looks are put together, and Kelly tells Whit that she knows what she’s doing now. Awwwww, growth! Then Jonathan shoots some photos, and blahs to Whitney about how he really likes her clothes. Roxy says that he’s sending some heavy signals, and then Kelly goes all junior high on Whit’s ass, and is like, How’s your boyfriend, does he know you just want to be friends and junk?!

“Tell me more. Tell me more. Like, does he have a car?”

Whit says that he’s the least of her worries right now. Jonathan shows Whit some of the photos on his camera, and he’s all, You’d look better in those clothes than the models, non? Whit laughs it off, and then Jonathan asks her out for a drink, and then Whit’s like, “I have like zero time for a personal life right now, so let’s just keep it professional.” Ouch.

“Oh, fine then. And vous sentez comme le boeuf et le fromage, so suckez-vous on that, salope.”

At Elle, Olivia walks down the hall with Alexis, fresh from yet another lunch of Puffs Plus on a bed of spinach. They totally splurged today. Diet be damned! Time for another Elle staff meeting! Seth cozies up to Olivia, who says that she hopes they ran the Armani cover, and Seth’s like, Oh right cuz you pulled some jewelry for that, right? Then he’s like, “Keep your fingers crossed, Oliviaaaaa!” Hee. So, maybe Team Erin? Joe blahs about how the cover shoot was like the best ever. He also tells us that he sent the cover to a focus group, and now it’s time for the results from said focus group. Will it be Olivia’s jewelry cover? Or the more simple one that Erin said was the best?! Aaaaaaaaaa, the suspense . . . less . . . ness. Oh, dip! Turns out the cover that Erin said was the best is the one that the focus group picked! Seth turns to Olivia and snarks,

LOVE.

Joe goes on to say “Hats off to Erin for knowing that this was the cover. You knew what the readers were looking for. Good call!” Love it. You know what I love even more? This little exchange from Erin to Olivia:

“What up now, Sparkles?”

But what I love even MORE is this:

“So. You wanna go all ‘Heathers’ on Palermo’s ass?”

“Hell to the yes, beyotch. One word: Eskimo.”

Next week: Glamour’s doing a piece on Whit! Erin has dinner with Page 6, and talks about Olivia. Oh, hell yeah! And then Whit takes Roxy to her Glamour piece, where Roxy doesn’t represent herself (or Whitney) well. At all. And! It kind of looks like Roxy might be getting fired!