The City: All’s Elle That Ends Elle

This week on The City:  Kelly yells at Whitney.  Olivia’s tiny face is big in Japan.

So, this is it, people.  The season finale of The City.  And totally NOT the series finale, as Whit would like us to know (she’d like us to  “rock this” one again, I’m quite sure).  But honestly, if they don’t step it up in the drama department, I’m seeing a completely Erin/Olivia/Seth (more Seth, please!) spin off and a big buh-bye to Whit.  Also, how freaking weird was the last moment of The Hills?!  Did you see that?!  Strange, strange stuff.  Let’s put this Season 2 bitch to bed, peeps!  Are you excited?!

“Yes.  Yes I am.”

We open at People’s Revolution, of course.  Whitney has some news for Kelly.

“Oh, shit, we’re cancelled, aren’t we?  At least I have Bravo, bitch.”

Turns out, Whitney’s thought a lot about her business of white skirts and shiny blazers, and she’s been approached by Alison Brod, who does PR for pretty pretty people.  But Whit doesn’t want Kelly to think she’s going behind Kelly’s back.  Kelly’s like, Well we’re not doing a lot with you anyway here, and maybe she’s a part of “your destiny.”  And then in the next breath she bitch-slaps some reality on Whit and is all, “Is that it?  I’m gonna get back to work.”  Credits.

It’s the 25th anniversary photo shoot for Elle.  Elle’s only been around for 25 years?  Wikipedia says yes, at least for American Elle.  Did you know Robbie Myers (editor-in-chief) went to Colorado State University on a diving scholarship?  Weird.  And yet, fascinating.  So anyway, British Louise shows up to do an interview with Karolina Kurkova, since Olivia’s busy showing Japanese women how to be icy, detached, and take 4 “working” “lunches” a day and still get paid for 40 hours a week.

Yup.  The early ’90s styles are back.  Hammer pants, slap bracelets, and aqua socks are next, so watch out.

Why is she wearing a bra, half a wet suit, and panties?  British Louise gives her interview.  She’s very good and engaging.  But Hot Keith seems to think she’s a little too TV-host-y for the job.  Joe and Keith think Olivia would be better suited for the job, because she’s an Elle Girl.  Is the Elle Girl a frosty beyotch who works 12 minutes a day?  Because if so, then yeah.  Totally.

Japan!  MTV breaks out the old ’80s chestnut “Turning Japanese” for this segment.  News flash:  The song’s about masturbation.  Kind of.  Maybe.  The band (The Vapors) says that it’s totally not, but I choose to believe it is.  So there.  Olivia walks down the street, bein’ all better than everyone.  And she enters the Elle Japan office, and I do not see one Japanese girl on any of the Elle Japan covers — just a bunch of blonde American chicks.  Way to represent, Elle Japan.  Olivia meets with Kara, and I kind of think she’s the Erin of the Elle Japan offices and already hates Olivia.  Good.  Very good.  Kara speaks excellent English. The editor-in-chief, Akiko?  Not so much.  But since my Japanese begins with “Philadelphia roll” and ends with “sake bomb,” I shouldn’t be judging.  Oh my god, how good are Philadelphia rolls?  So good.

Anysnooch.  Olivia seems pretty uncomfortable around the Elle Japan ladies.  I don’t know if it’s the language barrier, the fact that she towers over them, or that she’s instantly judging them for not being as good as she is, but she’s totes not comfy.  There’s a special party tonight, and they want Olivia to be on the stage, so they can ask her some questions.  Good lord.  Akiko wants to ask Olivia about her fashion and her “special secret.”

“Oh ha ha ha!  If only I could understand you.  As well as care about what you have to say.”

Roxy and Zach (the sort of cute photographer) walk down the street.  Roxy tells Zach that Whit’s acting like a beyotch and that she’s seeing “different colors” of Whit.  Zach tells Roxy that maybe she and Whit need a break from each other for a while.  We needed this scene, why?

We’re at the Alison Brod PR offices, where everything pink goes to die.  Is it just me, or is pink the most obnoxiously disgusting color ever?  I’d be so pissed off every day if I had to work there. Alison Brod is kind of intense, but in a sorority-girl-desperately-seeking-new-pledges kind of way.

“Ohmigod, there’s this awesome kegger tonight at the Alpha Psi Omega house and you have to come!  You bring the Zima, I’ll bring the Jolly Ranchers!”

Alison Brod tells Whit that she needs to 100% commit to the Brod Lifestyle, and has she done anything with The Hamptons?  Because that’s where it’s at and she totally needs to talk to the editor of the Hamptons magazine and be profiled.  Because Whit’s target buyers are women in their 40s who have never worked a day in their lives and drink Zinfandel in their closets to cope with their deep-seeded need issues?  I guess so.

Back at Elle, Seth goes up to Erin to gossip about Olivia.  Finally!  They both agree that Olivia can stay in Japan.  Hee.

Japan.  Tibi Launch Party.  Olivia’s introduced, and you’d think she’s the freaking Empress of Japan by the way everyone is kissing her ass.  They ask her if she’s wearing Tibi, and then this:

Also, boring and unbelievably condescending.  But good too, I guess.

After the interview, people take a million pictures of Olivia, and everyone’s like, “Your face is so small!”  Olivia thanks them.  Personally, I think it’s less of a compliment and more of a gawking-at-a-sideshow-freak type of thing.

Back in NYC at American Elle, where the cover girls all have tiny faces, Erin stops by to ask Joe if he’s decided on who will be the new face of Elle.com.  Erin does say that Olivia has “stepped it up,” which is very gracious of her.  But of course, since Joe has major Elle-boner for Olivia, he tells Erin that even though Louise is bloody brilliant, the reports from Japan are that Olivia-San is doing great.  Is she?  Because so far all she’s done is sit on a stage and half-ass her way through questions that were softer than boiled tofu.  And then Erin drops a bombshell:  British Louise has another job offer in L.A.!  It’s some hosting gig.  Joe says that he’ll make the decision soon, and I’m sure he’ll make the wrong one.

People’s Rev.  Roxy’s working.

“I completely regret volunteering to do the company payroll this month.”

Whitney comes in and Kelly immediately asks to see her.  She asks Whit if she’s hired Alison Brod, and Whit says that she hasn’t.  Kelly’s like, “I’ve already talked to three people who are like, ‘Ooooh, did Whitney fire Kelly?’”  And then Kelly goes off on how she doesn’t need this shit and doesn’t need to defend her agency, and Whit apologizes, and then Kelly’s all, “Bye, Whitney.  Leave my office.”  Oh, Kelly.  Always with the warm fuzzies.

Time for this week’s patented Elle Staff Meeting.  Joe’s in a great mood.  Joe says things like, “dynamic” and “career” and “incredible.”  And then he tells British Louise that she’s been luvvly jubbly and a jolly good totty.  Joe then heaps unnecessary praise on Olivia for showing up in Japan and speaking into a microphone.  And of course, Joe tells the Elle gang that Olivia’s the new face of Elle.com.

“SAY WHAAAAAAAATTT?!”

“It’s okay.  We’ll tie her up, force her to wear Old Navy, and make her eat a Double Down.”

None of us are surprised, are we?  Then Joe announces that Louis is leaving for L.A., and tells Olivia that she and Erin will have to work close together.  On their way out, Seth says to Erin, “I guess if you weren’t thinking of leaving before, you are now.”  He doesn’t even whisper.  And Joe’s right behind him.  Nice.  100% staged, re-shot, and edited, but nice.

Well, that’s it!  Oh, shit, it’s not.  We still have 2 minutes of Whitney time.  Sigh.  Okay.  Whit sits in a park, either getting ready to break out into “Where Am I Going?” from Sweet Charity or contemplating life and it’s various meanings.  Roxy meets her for a chit-chat.  Whit says that she feels lost, and Roxy asks her about things with Kelly.  Roxy says that Whit’s loyalty is to Kelly because she got Whit her first big fashion show and junk, and things will change if she goes with Alison Brod.  Then there’s a 10 second silence, and Roxy goes back to work.  And . . . I guess that’s it.

“Let’s get ready to rock this wee — oh, fuck it, life sucks.”

So, there you go.  That was an incredibly boring finale, right?  I mean, other than the Kelly Cutrone Shit Storm, there wasn’t really anything great or surprising.  Actually, this whole season’s been rather lackluster.  These people need to go out more.  Less worky, more drinky.  Especially Seth and Erin.  But especially Seth.  Well, that’s it, you guys.  I’ll see you next year!  Well, maybe.  I would not be surprised at all if this show didn’t come back.  In the meantime, get your Hypnotoad fix starting in September with my recaps of Desperate Housewives!  You think Olivia’s WASPy?  She ain’t got nuthin’ on that ice-cold bitch Bree Hodge.