The City: Guess Who?

Tonight on The City: Olivia proves she’s worse at her job than Roxy is at hers. Which is saying a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Whit shows her line to Elle, and Erin has had it with Olivia’s lack of ethics. And responsibility. And tact. And human emotions.

Dwight Schrute has really let himself go.

At Elle, Erin talks to Olivia about . . . guess what? Guess! No, seriously. Guess. No, don’t — don’t actually guess. It’s Guess. Guess! The clothing conglomerate! Sheesh. Erin asks Olivia to help out with the Guess event, and get some stuff for Elle.com because it’s a big event and Guess is a big advertiser with Elle. And also because that’s kind of Olivia’s job. Erin’s like, You know, just get some quotes, see what food they served, what music they played. Really, really easy stuff like that. Can Olivia handle it? No. I’m guessing no. She has her texts to catch up on!

“Olivia, OMG! I scored the best Oxycontin EVER!!! It’s totally not from an undercover cop-hooker this time! Although I totes had to give a handy j to a tranny. Kisses, your cousin Nevan.”

Erin asks Olivia to pick out some clothes from Guess because it’s really important that everyone from Elle wears some Guess clothes. Oh, you guys, Olivia is totes busy, and she’ll see if she can “fit it in to [her] schedule.” Wow. It’s hard to fit work into your schedule. Especially when you’re AT work. And talking to your pseudo-boss about said work. And then Erin tells Olivia to invite Whitney, and Olivia’s like, “Of course, if it’s a party for Elle, I’ll invite her.” Oh, you guys. You know what I love about Erin?

THIS.

Oh, right. Whitney. I forgot about her. Again. She’s at Peep’s Rev, going through magazines and talking about how it would be cool it would be to do something with feathers. And tar. And Roxy. Okay, not the last two. Kelly comes in and tells Roxy that since she did such a massively shit-tastic job at Whitney’s Glamour thing last week, she’s going to move her away from the Whitney Eve stuff, and have her help with some Peep’s Rev press stuff for some press party or thing they’re having. I don’t know. Anyway, Roxy’s doing it all by herself. Can Roxy handle the responsibility?!

Sure. Right after she’s done shitting her pants.

Roxy says she’s ready, and Kelly says that she has faith in Roxy. Um, sure. Faith in her ability to eff up! I should probably give Rox some more credit . . . but I’m not going to until she proves that she deserves it. And I ain’t holdin’ my breath for that one, people! Kelly also tells them that Erin invited them both to the Guess party, which is tonight! Whit asks Kells if Olivia will be there, and Kelly is like, “She’s not important right now. The bigger you get, the smaller she becomes.” Like a midget? Cuz that would be awesome.

Erin shows up at Guess to look for some clothes to borrow. And, wow — Olivia actually showed up. Erin texts her friends about how blown away she is that Olivia showed up and about how much she hates Olivia and her ass face. Olivia flips through a Guess coffee table book and is all, “Interesting . . .” and I get the distinct feeling that she feels Guess clothing is beneath her. Some chick named Alina comes out to meet them and her voice sounds almost exactly like Megan Mullally and that makes me so happy! I already love Alina. She invites Erin and Olivia to look at some clothes and see what they like.

You guys, Olivia is such. A. Beyotch. In this meeting. So much so that I have to recap this entire event second by second (which, honestly, is not much different from the way I normally recap anyway). Erin asks her if she wore Guess as a kid, and Olivia’s like, I wore an “eclectic” mix of designers. And Erin’s like, You wore an eclectic mix of designers in elementary school? Hee. And Olivia’s like, I was a little fashionista. THEN, Olivia asks Erin, Was Guess popular in California when you were a kid? And Erin, being the modicum of tact, good taste, and professionalism, is all, I think Guess is popular all over the world. High five, Erin. High five. Then Alina tells Olivia that this white dress is her favorite, and Olivia tells Erin, “This would look good on you, this kind of chunky sweater.” Ooooh, barracuda! And you guys, I feel so bad for Alina, because it seems like she took everything Olivia said personally. I’m just gonna say it: I wish Olivia ill. Nothing major. Maybe like a head cold that never goes away. For the rest of her life. Forcing her to keep a kleenex in the sleeve of her “eclectic” shirts. Forever. Also, scabies. Lots of scabies. Perpetual scabies.

Ooooh, it’s time for the Guess by Marciano party! Are you excited? Of course you are. Because a party to you is drinking Busch Light and playing Tomb Raider on your old iMac from 1998 by yourself. And by “you,” I obviously mean “me.” And by “party,” I mean “devastating and crippling loneliness.” Oh, I went kind of dark just now. My apologies. I’ll get back to making fun of Olivia. And Roxy. And Whitney. But not Erin. Never Erin.

Oh you guys, there’s this really great moment where Whit talks to Joe about how much the Rue La La shoot meant to her, and Joe apologizes — on behalf of Elle! — for Olivia’s eff up, and he really wants to see her line! It’s just so sweet. Whit asks if Olivia’s there, and Joe says she’s there, hopefully interviewing people. And we flash-cut to:

Olivia. Not holding a microphone. Like, at all.

Olivia doesn’t give interviews, she IS interviews, people. Never forget that. And then, the guy asks her if she’s wearing Guess, and she’s like, “Not tonight. I’m wearing Bensoni and DVF.” Oh, hell no. Hell no. Joe and Erin are like, Whhaaaaaaa?! And Alina’s there too and she heard what Olivia said, and she looks like she’s going to cry tears of sweet, hot anger. Then Olivia has the balls to come up to her and schmooze, and I have to say, Alina is completely professional, even though Olivia deserves nothing more than a bitch-slap of lady vengeance. Alina asks her about the Guess clothes and Olivia says that “some of the sizes didn’t fit,” and Alina’s like, Next time just let me know and we can send some additional sizes. Joe says that Olivia was “absolutely disrespectful” and he’ll take it up with her tomorrow in the office. Sweet.

“Aaaaaah, nothing is more refreshing than being disrespectful and irresponsible at the same time! Except maybe Tab.”

The next day, Roxy and Whit discuss how horrible Olivia acted at the Guess party and how it was completely uncool of her not to wear Guess to the event. See, when even Roxy knows more about how to properly act at a work function, you KNOW there’s some shiznit goin’ down. Whit talks about how great it will be to go to Elle and show her clothes, but she’s nervous too, because Joe apparently has a lot of power.

Back at Peep’s Rev, people pull clothes, because that’s what 67% of this show is about. Henry Holland is there with his . . . t-shirt designs . . . and also? A couple of the Glamour ladies are there! Which makes things awesomely awkward for Roxy, because of the whole “hooker-ballerina” thing. Roxy tells them that they should see Whitney’s look book, and after they leave, Kelly’s like, Don’t ever talk about a designer in front of another designer. Which, I sort of understand, but honestly? If I were a designer, I wouldn’t really give a crap. Kelly tells Roxy that she’s going to be on her own for the next designers, Felder and Felder! Will she succeed?! Probably. But just barely.

At Elle, Erin and Olivia have a meeting with Joe. I was excited for it, but it turns out I got an Olivia-Getting-Chewed-Out-and-Shamed Boner for nothing. Joe tells her that she was disappointing, Olivia basically laughs in her boss’s(!) face, and is all, I understand. And Joe’s like, “Okay.” What the hell, man? Someone needs to yell in Olivia’s face! And it needs to be an authority figure so she can’t walk away! Joe! Man up! Fire that beyotch already, and give the job to someone intelligent who gives a shit and needs the insurance! Damn.

Roxy’s with one of the designers from Felder and Felder (the designer’s twin sister is unavailable, and yet . . has anyone actually seen the twins together in person? Hmm . . . ). And then one of the editors for Paper Magazine shows up.

Oh, yay! Can you sign my copy of “In Cold Blood?!”

The Paper editor? Biggest bitch ever. He tells Daniela Felder that her goat skin coat is crap because he won’t even wear leather. Then he tells her he wouldn’t wear one of her white jackets because he’d be afraid it would get dirty. Daniela goes to get an accessory for one of the jackets, and then Roxy . . . stupid, stupid Roxy . . . asks the Paper guy if he’s seen any of Whitney’s clothing line. Because it’s not like anyone’s in the room. With a camera. And a boom mike. She tells Mr. Capote that she’ll get him a look book.

Elle again. Whit comes in with her bags of clothes to meet with Joe. She and Erin have an awesome conversation which doesn’t include Olivia. It’s awesome because Olivia’s in the middle of them and they don’t even acknowledge her presence. Like, at all. And what makes it more awesome, is Olivia’s pathetic attempts to even be acknowledged.

“Papa, can you hear me?”

Erin brings Whitney back to meet with Joe and Anne Slowey, the fashion news director for Elle. Not gonna lie, Anne looks like one of those people who’s brutally honest. And who’s been married 4 times. Two of which were with gay men. Whitney says that her collection is inspired by her “Los Angeles and New York aesthetic.” Which, honestly? Lame. Even if that was the case, she should have googled a bunch of random stuff and made up something really weird. Like, “This collection is inspired by the art of Cy Twombly and Shasta cola.” I guarantee no one would question that. Whit says she designs clothes for herself and for her friends, and Anne says that if she wants to be a serious designer, she needs to take her and her friends out of the equation. Mm-hmm. Those that can’t design give emotionally devastating critique, Ms. Slowey. Just sayin’. Anne asks her what designers she’d be selling against, and she tells them that she’d be against Elizabeth and James, Alexander Wang. Joe’s sort of supportive and says that he wants her to succeed, but she’s still learning. Anne basically doesn’t give a shit. About any of it. And doesn’t even say thank you. I kind of agree with Anne on some points, but my god, woman — ever hear of a compliment sandwich?! Poor Whit!

The next day at Elle, Erin asks Seth to schedule an appointment with Robbie. As they’re talking, freaking Olivia sashays by on her way home from work (it must be 10:30 — nothing like a 45 minute work day!) with some shopping bags. Seth’s kind of like, What the hell? He asks Erin what happened with the Guess thing, and Erin’s like, She just doesn’t get it. I guess Olivia did ZERO things for Elle.com at the party. Seth says that it sucks that she has powerful friends at the magazine, and Erin’s like, We need someone new. Oooh, now we’re talkin’!

Kelly and Whit meet for lunch, and Whit tells Kelly that Anne Slowey ate her up like cereal, and she doesn’t know how much more criticism she can take from such a tough industry.

I don’t know, looks to me like you’re handling it pretty well, Whit.

Kelly tells her that she needs to get in touch with her intuition because opinionated people are going to drive her crazy otherwise. Kelly tells her that the ones that kick her and push her will be the first ones to congratulate her when she succeeds. Yay! Supportive Kelly!

Over at another restaurant, Erin sits waiting. Who is she waiting for? It turns out it’s Whitney’s ex-boyfriend, Jay! Holy crap! No, I’m sorry, I made that up. Turns out she was waiting for Louise Roe, a fashion journalist. Erin tells Louise that she saw her stuff online and that she finds Louise very “telegenic.” Excellent vocab, Erin. Erin tells Louise that they need someone for Elle.com, and when Louise asks if someone’s already doing it, Erin’s like, Yeah, but she sucks, and you “fit the bill for me.” Now, I am torn between my love for Erin and my dislike of her going behind Joe’s back. But I just remembered that Joe raved about Olivia picking out sparkly things and also barely raised his voice above a whisper when he tried to tell Olivia how much she effed up at the Guess thing. So, screw it — Erin wins with me. Doesn’t she always?

Next Week: Olivia promises an interview with her “good friend” Marc Jacobs, but when it comes to, you know, actually doing work, looks like Louise is gonna have to step up! And Whitney gets invited to go to Miami or something. But more Olivia shame! Yay!