The City: SmElle Ya Later!

This week on The City:  Roxy and Whit break up!  Olivia picks out shiny things!

Whitney gained a little bit of weight during the hiatus . . .

Sammie and Roxy are walking down the streets of NYC, Sex and the City style.  Except instead of talking about blow jobs and anal sex (season 1) and babies and asshole Russian boyfriends (season 6), they’re talking about going to find an apartment for Roxy.  The apartment they see?  Is big.

Way big.  With a working fireplace.  So, yeah, I’m sure it’s affordable.

Turns out?  It’s $4,000 a month.  $4,000 a month!  Now, I don’t want to be one of those hicks who is all, “city livin’ is expensive, y’all!”  But . . . city livin’ is expensive, y’all.  Roxy says that she’s going to have to ask her dad for help, and she’s not so sure that he’ll say yes.  But he directed a bunch of Felicity episodes, so I’m sure that he’s sensitive to a daughter’s needs.  Unlike Felicity’s a-hole of a dad.  Screw you, Dr. Edward Porter!

Time for the Vintage Clothing Expo!  Kate (from Elle) and Erin are walkin’ around, lookin’ at stuff, and then Whitney pops up out of nowhere!  What are the chances . . . that Adam DiVello would text them all and tell them to show up at the same time?  I’m guessing 1 to 1.  Those are my odds.  Elle’s doing a shoot with Ashley Greene.  I guess she’s in the Twilight movies.  I barely made it through the first one.  You know, the one with sparkly vampires.  Who play baseball.  Outside.  During the day.  Vampires.  Sparkle.  Baseball.  Daytime.  You see what I’m getting at . . . which is:  Everything Twilight related is shitty.  But that’s another rant.  Anyway, Erin tells Whit that she should send over some clothes for the shoot, and they’ll be shooting for Elle.com, so they’ll at least be seen.  And Whit’s like, Awesome! . . . but that means Olivia will be there.

“And she’s a big ole bitch.”

“Tell me about it.”

Roxy meets her dad, Ken Olin, for lunch.  But since this is an Adam DiVello production, nobody actually orders or eats anything.  She tells Papa Olin about things with Whit and nonchalantly segues into saying that she saw an apartment . . . for $4,000 . . . and wants his help . . . well, mostly just his money.

“I’m sorry!  But I need some cash cuz I keep spending my $15,000 per episode on my vest-bedazzling habit!”

Papa Ken says that he doesn’t feel like he should help her out, and he wants her to move back to L.A.  He tells her she needs to commit to something that can afford her the way she wants to live, and he can’t support her anymore.  Ouchies!

Olivia and Alexis are prepping for Ashley’s interview. Joe tells Alexis and Olivia that there’s some stuff from Whitney Eve, and Alexis says the stuff is great, but Olivia is all, “We’ll see” if we can work it in, because we “have other stuff that’s top priority.”  Joe looks at Erin, like, WTF?  Olivia says she’s ready for the Elle.com interview with Ashley, and then Alexis says that they should use the Whitney Eve stuff because a.) it’s pretty, and b.) Joe likes it.  I know that Olivia hates Whit’s stuff because she has a big stick up her ass because Whit called her out about being a bitch (not to mention that she decided not to be besties with her last season), but I honestly think that Whit’s stuff is Olivia’s style.

Over at Peep’s Rev, Roxy and Whit are desperately trying to not acknowledge each other’s existence.

And Whit also wonders who just farted.

Kelly comes in and senses the tension.  Whit tells her about running in to Whit and about the Ashley Greene shoot, and Roxy’s all, “you can never tell with celebrities.  You can’t force them to wear anything, so . . . keep your fingers crossed.”  Ugh, seriously, Roxy?  Kelly seems to be a little perturbed by the junior-high-osity of Roxy’s statements and actions.  Kelly tells them to suck it up because there’s some charity thing tonight, and they need to look like they’re having the “fucking time” of their lives at the charity event.

Time for the Ashley Greene interview.  Joe introduces her to everyone.

“Hello.  My name is Olivia, and I’ll be the one better than you today.”

Joe gives Ashley a Whitney Eve jacket, and I kind of hate it, but what do I know?  Olivia asks her an inane question about designers and pretty much interrupts Ashley’s answer with phrases like, “That’s cool.”  And then Joe is like, Um you should probably ask her who she’s wearing.  Olivia’s all, I love those shoes.  And Ashley tells her she’s wearing Givenchy shoes, some other dude’s dress (I can’t figure out what she’s saying) and a Whitney Eve jacket.  Olivia literally says, “Well, I love the skirt and the shoes, they look great.”  Seriously?  Olivia?  Could you just once surprise us by getting over yourself, sucking it up, doing something professional, and taking that incredibly large silver spoon out of your ass?  That’s just so lame.  Even Joe notices.  And I’m sure he’ll say something about it at the staff meeting.  Except not at all.  I just want Joe to yell at her!  So much!  Joe notices this and gives Erin a look, but it’s all par for the course as far as Erin’s concerned:

Olivia’s lack of professionalism and ethics has finally given Erin a stroke.

Also, I love that Ashley Greene can totally smell the bullshit of which Olivia reeks:

“Oooooh, man.  Your only friend is your black Amex card.  Am I right?”

Time for the charity fashion thingy.  I guess it’s called Tulips and Pansies.  Yeah, that must be some gay charity.  Oh, lighten up!  Sammie and Whit show up for the pre-party, and Sammie tells Whit about going with Roxy to look at apartments.  Whit wonders why Roxy wouldn’t tell her about it.  Um, perhaps because you completely yelled at her for no reason last week?  Hmmmmm?  Anyway, the show is just a bunch of people wearing ridiculous hats.

A shit ton of flowers and butterflies on someone’s head?  I told you it was a gay thing.

It’s kind of like being inside Bjork’s head for a few minutes.  Except this makes a lot more sense and it won’t beat the shit out of you for taking a photo of it’s son.  Remember when Kelly told Whit and Roxy to keep their shit together at the show?  Yeah, that lasted for about 5 seconds, because Whit brings up the apartment hunting, and then they get into an argument about, I don’t know, friendship or real estate or big-ass hats or something.  And then after the show, Whit just gets up and leaves Roxy there by herself.

Yup.  Claire Danes is totally doing ads for Latisse now.

Over at Milk studios, Ashley Greene  looks like Marilyn Manson.

Actually, is that even Ashley Greene?  I’m not 100% sure . . . I thought she was doing a photo shoot, but . . . I don’t know.  That really doesn’t look like her at all.  Eff it.  Let’s move on.  Joe tells Olivia AGAIN that she did a great job of picking out shiny things for the photoshoot.  That’s her gift, Joe.  That’s her contribution to society.  And I, for one, thank god for that.  Olivia pulls Joe aside to tell him that there’s an opportunity to host something in Japan, and she thinks that she could get some great Elle.com stuff over there.  Dude, Olivia on another continent?  I’m all for that.  Joe tells Olivia that she’s really “grown” in the past few months or so.  Maybe in height, cuz otherwise . . . no.  Olivia gives Joe a couple ideas about stuff in Japan, and Joe tells her to write them up and he’ll talk to Robbie about it.  Ship her off, already!

Finally.  Some Seth time.  Seth’s wearing a really tight shirt today.  He has nice arms.  He and Erin walk down the street and talk about Olivia, Louise, and Elle.  Seth’s all, Maybe if we get Olivia to Japan in the short term, then maybe “we get her out of Elle for the long term.”  Love!  You guys are right:  I TOTALLY just got some Cruel Intentions vibes from that conversation.

Roxy’s over at Whit’s place, packing up some clothes.  Whit comes in and is kinda shocked.  Roxy tells her that she needs to rip it off like a band-aid, and make it quick.  Roxy says she’s gonna stay with Sammie for awhile, because there’s so much tension, and Whit thinks they’re leaving things on “a weird note.”  Well, Whit, you kind of started things on an even weirder note last week, so there you go.  I cannot believe that I’m completely on Roxy’s side.  If you would have told me that at the beginning of the season, I would have slapped you.  Repeatedly.  Roxy picks up her big-ass suitcase and walks out the door.  Whitney goes to her window and watches Roxy leave.  This totally feels like the season finale, doesn’t it?

“Somewhere out in this big city, there’s some girl just waiting to be my best friend.  For 12 episodes.”

Next Week:   Season finale!  Whit interviews for a job with someone other than Kelly!  Olivia goes to Japan, where sadly, Mothra does not appear to abduct her.  And Louise might just be done with Elle in New York.  Nooooooooooo!