The Crazies

Hola Gasmii!  P-Baby reporting for duty, here to go over the newest DVD to hit the shelves this week.  Unlike my last new release DVD review where the Pattinson crapped all over me, The Crazies was actually my first choice to recap due to two reasons.  1.  It’s in my favorite genre of films and 2. Timothy Olyphant.

The Crazies was released towards the end of February this year, the latest Hollywood serving of infectious diseases, zombies, aliens, or masked killer causing chaos in Middle-Of-Fucking-Nowhere USA.  I never understood why some of these scary movies don’t wait until October to come out.  To me, it seems like a perfect way to capitalize on the horror genre.  Saw comes out towards the end of October almost every year, and those assholes are up to like 37 sequels, with absolutely no merciful end in sight.

The Crazies is set in the quaint farming town of Ogeden Marsh, Iowa.  We are introduced to an attractive blonde doctor named Judy Dutton, played by Radha Mitchell, who is finishing up some paperwork at her job at the local hospital with help from her employee Becca Darling, played by Danielle Panabaker.

Since Doctor Judy is the fairest maiden in all of Ogden Marsh, she managed to bag herself the big man on campus, Sheriff David Dutton, who is currently shirking his duties as enforcer of the law and lolligagging about at the opening game of Ogden Marsh’s high school baseball season.

As all good sheriffs do, Sheriff David has a deputy named Russell Clank who happens to see town local Rory Hamill approaching the field with a shotgun.  Rory refuses to drop his weapon after repeated demands from Sheriff David, forcing David to shoot him dead on centerfield, leaving behind his distraught wife and son.

As the next day or so passes, Doctor Judy and Sheriff David begin to realize the residents in their town are acting quite strange.  Some of the symptoms include slow response time and repetitive answers.

Another town local named Deardra Farnum brings her husband Bill to see Doctor Judy after he seems unresponsive to anything.  Doctor Judy runs the typical diagnostic tests on Bill, deeming his vitals normal but wanting to conduct more tests in the near future.  Too bad for Deardra, as Bill kills her and his son Nicholas in a fire the next night.

Sheriff David and Deputy Russell stumble upon a dead Soldier in the woods, which lead them to find his downed aircraft that has conveniently begun leaking toxins right into the town’s water supply.

We find out that the infected townspeople become extremely aggressive with the need to attack and kill other people.  As Sheriff David tries to convince Doctor Judy to haul ass out of town, they get detained by the military at a temporary holding camp set up at the high school.

At the camp, Doctor Judy makes the astute observation that since they are being checked for high temperatures, the infection is most likely viral in nature.  Doctor Judy’s temperature pops too high for the military’s liking and is immediately whisked away to be quarantined.  Speaking of Quarantine, that movie sucked donkey dick big time.

She attempts to explain to the military dudes that her high temperature is just due to her pregnancy but her explanations fall on deaf ears as she is strapped to a gurney.  Right as this is happening, the perimeter of the facility is breached.  The military decide to just leave, with no regard for the room full of quarantined patients left behind, which also includes Doctor Judy’s employee Becca.  At the forgotten room, Doctor Judy is terrified to find that Principal Sandborn has been infected and is going around stabbing patients with a pitchfork.

While Doctor Judy is undergoing some seriously fucked-up prenatal care, Sheriff David manages to escape and link back up with Deputy Russell.  He of course arrives in time to save Doctor Judy and Becca from Principal Pitchfork.

Now that the gang is finally back together, Sheriff David, Deputy Russell, Doctor Judy and Becca Who Is Not Worthy Of A Name begin to form an escape plan to get past the road blocks surrounding the town.

As they continue their journey, the group gets attacked at an old car wash resulting in Becca’s death.  Good, because Becca was really grating on my last nerve for the five minutes she was on screen.

Unfortunately, it is right about this time that Deputy Russell begins to show signs of complete lunacy, which means he is indeed infected.  Succombing to his fate, he uses himself as a distraction to allow Sheriff David and Doctor Judy to get past barricade guards and escape.

Sheriff David and Doctor Judy finally reach a truck stop that they believe will have supplies to help further their escape as well as locate a working vehicle.  After Sheriff David tells Doctor Judy to stay put, she decides to wander around the parking lot and discovers a truck full of dead bodies, indicating the military were also killing people that weren’t infected.   I FUCKING HATE when people in scary movies do not do what they are told.  How hard is it to stay in one spot for 5 minutes???!?!  I sit on my couch for hours at a time, which equates to like a billion 5 minute intervals.  People need to learn some self-control and discipline.  They manage to escape in a truck just in time to see Ogden Marsh have what appears to be a nuclear bomb dropped on it.  I suppose that’s one effective way to destroy a town of give or take 1000 people.

The tail end shows Sheriff David and Doctor Judy approaching on the great metropolis of Cedar Rapids, Iowa.  The requisite open ending leaving room for shitty sequel shows a military monitor focus in on Cedar Rapids and initiating containment protocol.  Oh boy, can’t wait!

Well, as much as I want to bone down on Timothy Olyphant, this movie was just ok and teetering on boring.  This movie didn’t contain nearly enough beloved horror movie campiness to fill P-Baby’s trashtastic appetite.  The acting was ok, the story was ok…nothing stood out that was extremely good or bad.  I just don’t know how many time we feel the need to tell the story of a mutant strain virus infecting people and making them go crazy or melting their flesh.  Obviously, we have already achieved virus infection gold with the transcendent film Cabin Fever.  Rider Strong?  Flesh-eating virus?  I’ll be there with bells on.