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Okay, it’s a little embarrassing that I made fun of Laurieann’s grammar in the minicap, which I inadvertently filled with my own grammatical errors.
Karma makes me kringe! How ‘bout you, ApplePie?
At the studio, K-cup knocks on the door of The Glass Is Half Empty Office to talk to Laurieann about their current choreography piece, a number to be performed at a local fundraiser for The Trevor Project. This worthy organization, which provides a helpline and other resources for LGBTQ youth, has made the poor choice of allowing Laurieann to help them raise money. Anyway, Kryington is there to tell Diddy Bitch that her cousin, Amanda, killed herself a year ago. Watching these two trying to out-emote each other across Laurieann’s desk is like watching an All My Children audition or any performance on The Voice.
This is my “happy face”. Don’t I look happy?
So dancing in this piece will be very emotional for Kryington, and we all know what that means … Diddy Bitch is going to call her a robot, make her cry, and threaten to fire her again. Hope your Kia’s already running downstairs, K-cup.
At The Castle, Sarah has Paul over to “talk about their relationship and where he sees it going”. Oh, Sarah, it would have been more prudent to let in the Jehovah’s Witnesses or the sketchy “the super sent me to check out your gas lines” guy.
There are other fish in the sea, Sarah.
So Sarah, at her clingy, codependent best, asks Paul what the future holds for their relationship, and he, mouth agape and drool running down his chin, spits out, “Well, you know, let’s just take our time and see how it goes.” This is Paul-speak for, “I like that thing you do with your tongue, but not THAT much.”
Two days until the performance: Laurieann FINALLY gives us, the audience members, what we watched all eight episodes for – kick-ass choreography and the story behind it. It’s amazing to watch her work and to see that the other dancers on her team are very talented dancers, not just failures as human beings.
Can Evonne (holla!) and I see more of this? THIS is why we watch this show.
Then Diddy Bitch proceeds to ruin the scene with her grunts and “Boom! Kack!”s and discussing young gay people (the editors cut to Richy and then to another male dancer during this voiceover …. Oh, you lazy, lazy producers).
As K-cup enters The Castle after a hard day of enduring Diddy Bitch’s criticism, she walks in on Sarah and Paula giggling over a book full of love advice quotes, and they laugh and laugh about the lack of common sense Sarah displays when it comes to Paul. This is no laughing matter. Seriously, PLR, you need a self-esteem intervention or you’ll end up working at Wendy’s with your kids at Head Start, trying to make enough money to go to court and get Paul to give up some of his new girlfriend’s money so you can buy some more tranny makeup.
I can help you with the makeup and clothes, PLR.
The Gloommates try to sympathize with K-cup’s pain but, like Laurieann, they run into a wall when they try to get Kryington to act like an adult and talk about things that bother her rather than throw a tantrum.
On the steps of the studio building, like this is some Sesame Street or 227 very special episode, we horn in on what should be a private conversation between Laurieann and Richy. She’s trying to convince him to come out to his family, since they think that Richy is Laurieann’s boyfriend. Sure they do … Richy’s family also believes in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and that George Michael just wanted to go pee. Richy turns the tables on her and asks her why she’s dating a gay man her business partner. Laurieann wants us to believe that admitting her relationship with Joe would cause a professional conflict of interest (she doesn’t use that term, of course, she just mumbles and pauses dramatically instead) but since Joe’s on the down low, forcing him to admit his “relationship” with Diddy Bitch would only push Joe into Richy’s arms faster than Laurieann can say, “Boom! Kack!”
Nobody is better … at bringing gay men together.
Last rehearsal for The Trevor Project piece: Laurieann shares with the team that Kryington usually dances without soul so she hopes that K-cup can bring the pain and give her “goosebumbles”. Seriously, Laurieann, I know you have an impressive professional history (Gasmii, did you know she was a Fly Girl on In Living Color? I didn’t!), but perhaps you should beef up the education portion of your resumé and go get your GED or sumfink.
Laurieann talks us through the rehearsal, yelling at K-cup all the while, and finally Laurieann walks out in a huff (not Kryington this time, in a very special twist) and orders Richy to take over. Diddy Bitch tells us that this was a sneaky trick, not an exasperated move on her part. See, “as a coach you gotta walk away and give them the space to just let it marinate … because you have to have to find out what type of player you have”. Coach, K-cup needs a sub from the bench!!! She’s dying out there!
Magically, once DB is back in the office, Kryington lets go and dances her little heart out. Even Lacee has to clap for K-cup’s performance … that’s saying something.
She can’t wear high tops better than I can, but bitch can dance.
Backstage, pre-performance: K-cup worries about Amanda’s mom in the audience while Sarah applies lip gloss so viciously and vigorously that I worry for Paul’s man-parts later on this evening.
Red carpet time! Joe and Laurieann walk together, but she DOES ask him if he’s “gagging right now”. He’s not now, but he will be later, if Richy has anything to say about it!
I love me some Laurieann. Wait … who’s this?
It’s awkward and wonderful, especially when she tells the C-grade press in attendance that Joe’s “her man”. He looks thrilled!
This is my getaway vehicle. It has a big backseat, Richy …
Laurieann introduces the performance, saying she’s “recognizing the power and the purpose in The Trevor Project.” Well said, Laurieann (for once)! Now stop talking, before you ruin it! You can just stand there and smile and we could stare at your corset slipdress and nude Gaga platforms, or … you can let gems like “someone was confused about their sexuality” and “I’m not worth living” slip out of your mouth. Shut up, please!
You drink the Kool-Aid, you will choke.
The dancers come to the stage dressed in white pants and shirts for the boys (surprise … Paul is NOT wearing a wife beater for the first time in his life) and white leotards and skirts for the girls. I KNOW this is going to be good, since there is nary a high top sneaker in sight.
Whatever do you mean, ApplePie? High tops rule!
The performance is really good, especially the parts when they dance in synchronized pairs. I mean it’s really, really good. As in, why haven’t we been watching stuff like this for the last eight episodes, instead of awkward, painful, fake interpersonal drama that we could care less about? Even Paul’s dancing impresses me. But, wait a minute … eeewww … I didn’t catch this last time I watched, but Creative Director Diddy Bitch decided it would be a great idea to have FAKE BLOOD in the performance. I’m sure Kryington’s aunt LOVED that part. That didn’t capitalize on her daughter’s “choice” to commit suicide at all, Laurieann.
In the now-perfunctory Post-Performance Pep Talk, Laurieann tells K-cup she “found her soul” and that K-cup “utilized her gift in a way that no money or no man can satisfy”. WTF? I wish I had a response for that one. Anyone?
Unsatisfied for 21 years and counting …
Cut over to Sarah and Paul post-performance, having another one of their famous sit-downs. But in this one, Paul apologizes for being a premium cut of asshole this whole season, and tells Sarah he hopes they “can spend a long time together”. You mean, like two whole nights? In a ROW? He asks her to move in with him again. Sarah doesn’t know what to do with such a generous promise of future happiness, but if I were you, PLR, I wouldn’t give up the loft at The Castle just yet.
You’ll be fine, Sarah. You can get your romantic advice from me and Johnny Weir.
Diddy Bitch gathers Team Boom Kack on one of the sofas at the venue for a self-congratulatory pat on the back. Did you know they’re going on tour with Nicki Minaj? To dance, I hope, not to speak or have “relationships”.
They like each other now … but wait ‘til Season 2.
Laurieann tells us lots of wonderful things about her team, that they’re the right people at the right time with the right talent and the right hunger … and it’s “magic”. And we’re done … this show’s first season was like losing my virginity … I had high romantic expectations, but the reality was a letdown – I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person, and it was messy and painful and awkward and I didn’t know if I wanted to do it again. Ah, fuck it …. Bring on season 2! For those of you who don’t want to wait that long, Diddy Bitch has a new show on BET in August. Thnxluvubye!