The Dance Scene: Coffee & Cockney Cock

It took me 3 hours and the VERY LAST bag of Cadbury mini-eggs in my house to get through this recap.  I hope you enjoy it!

Laurieann’s magic mentorship cannot be contained in one measly country!!!  Today she’s rehearsing with Six-D, a collection of breakdancing Londoners who auditioned to be in a manufactured pop group.  They’re the Spice Girls for the next generation, but with even less singing talent.  Who gets to be Victoria Beckham?

Diddy Bitch Does The Spice Girls

Diddy Bitch tries to hook K-cup up with Kieran, a member of Six-D who is only 17.  Hey, the younger they are, the easier they are to train.

Works for me!

In another, and somehow even more boring, storyline, Sarah is primping for her red carpet walk at the Burlesque movie premiere, so she HAS to get a bikini wax.  How short is her dress for the premiere?

They threw in the brow wax for free, so I splurged and paid RuPaul to do my makeup!

She drags The Gloommates to the “salon” and they also indulge in a little hair ripping.  K-cup is a Brazilian virgin, so Paulandroid offers some tips, which include leaving a landing strip so they know where it is.  Nice … this is devolving into a parody of The 40-Year-Old Virgin waxing scene, except not funny nor nearly as watchable.  Once our eyes stop bleeding from watching K-cup on all fours getting her butt hair ripped out (the hand towel to provide some modesty was a nice touch), Sarah tells the girls that Ex-Paul the Younger has been texting her because he’s back in town and wants to meet Sarah for coffee.  Wasn’t she supposed to block his number from her cell?

Of course she goes to meet him, since Sarah has the willpower of Kirstie Alley around cake.

What?  I have to WALK to Dunkin’ Donuts?

At the coffee shop, Sarah and Paul discuss how they’re coping without each other, which breaks down like this:  Sarah is miserable and drops a few tears to prove it.  Paul misses Sarah only when he doesn’t score with someone else and Sarah’s not answering his 2:00 am texts.  They both are going to the premiere alone, which Sarah interprets as “Let’s go together!”

Cardigan by L’Douche

Laurieann takes the Six-D kids for makeovers and they all get “superhero” haircuts.  Kieran’s new haircut impresses K-cup at the following rehearsal …

This is my impressed face.

Laurieann spends most of this rehearsal teaching the kids about acting for the camera while shooting their upcoming music video.  She says they need to make their dance movements big enough for the camera to read and look directly into the camera as if the camera is an audience of 30 million.

And those 30 million people LOVE me!

Sarah’s picking out a red carpet outfit for the Burlesque premiere at kitson and goes with a golden glitter tube dress my Barbie wore in 1981.  That should hook Paul fo’ sho’.

Laurieann asks K-cup and Lacee to take “Six-D” “out on the town” and brainwash them into thinking that they are going to take the music industry by storm.  By “Six-D”, Laurieann really means Kieran and the only other boy old-enough-to-have-sex-legally in the group, Pierre.  I think “out on the town” means let the British Boys “go downtown”, and Diddy Bitch even lets Lacee drive her Escalade on the group date in hopes of cementing Six-D’s Laurieann worship.  However, the sex/brainwashing scheme doesn’t work out, since Lacee, Pierre, K-cup and Kieran choose to go the Disney channel route instead.  They play on the beach, skateboard, drink smoothies and make jokes about each other’s accents.

Let’s not discuss my hair, ‘kay?  It will ruin the sexy time mood.

We join Sarah on the red carpet at the Burlesque premiere, where everyone in Hollywood and their brother has arrived … except Paul.  PLR can’t enjoy the glitz and glamour because she’s consumed with looking for her “date”, who has someone better to do is washing his hair.

PAUL!  PAUL?  WHERE ARE YOU?  I WAXED FOR YOU!

Sarah realizes that “Paul doesn’t feel the same way” she does.  It only took 14 conversations for this to sink in?  No, Sarah.  Paul just needs a little more convincing.  Do you have any boiled rabbits or horse heads lying around you can bring to his apartment to convince him HE BELONGS WITH YOU?

The next morning, at The Castle, a puffy-eyed Sarah is chatting with Paulandroid about her horrible night waiting for No-Show Paul.  Sarah knows he’s no good for her, but she just can’t quit him.  Even Paulandroid’s suggestion that Sarah try batting for the other team goes nowhere.  The Droid should realize that Sarah NEVER picks up hints … but what else can she do to get Sarah on her bed again?

Wanna see my landing strip?

Sarah whines a little more, Paulandroid offers sound advice, and Sarah orders Paulandroid to eat her bagel.  Methinks Paulandroid wouldn’t mind eating your bagel, Sarah … and her name DOES start with “Paul”, so it’s all good.

At the video shoot, which is on some industrial rooftop,

Chantelle and the Amazing Roof Blower

Laurieann visits the Six-D kids getting transformed via hair and makeup into superstars.  She offers meaningless, lying compliments and then returns to the rooftop to order Kherington to get her coffee.  This is an amusing errand for us to watch as craft service is on the ground floor.  Each time Cryington gets Laurieann a fresh coffee, she has to climb down and then back up with steaming liquid on increasingly difficult sets of stairs.  It’s like a Survivor challenge for Boom Kack minions.  Kieran rushes over to help her (with Laurieann’s prodding I’m sure) and then proceeds to flirt his ass off, which is kind of sweet.

Do you want cream in that coffee, Kherington?

Laurieann is concerned because the video’s “concept” is that Six-D are a group of street dancers, NOT dancers on a rooftop covered in industrial waste, but she didn’t get to pick the director.

Trash Is Not Part of the Vision!

Guess the record label didn’t like the backlash for your The Way You Love Me video.  And trashy is as trashy does.  Considering that Six-D is a group of expert street dancers, I don’t think the director will have to stretch too far to make your street dancer concept a reality, even if his previous claim to fame (before this industry-changing video, obvs) was a little film called Da Hip Hop Witch.

Not Starring Eminem

So we spend the next few minutes listening to Laurieann bitch about how the director can’t understand “the bigness of the vision” yet we see the director cater to every little detail she wants included in the video.  His one caveat is that Kieran must physically jump from one rooftop to another.  The camera angles lead us to believe these two rooftops are 12 stories high and 50 yards apart and we cut to commercial just as Kieran’s about to make his life-defying leap.

Laughing from the grave …

We follow Laurieann around the video set while she plays dictator corrects the director and his entire staff.  Then we get a preview of the finished video.  Six-D’s dancing is pretty exceptional, Kieran’s rooftop jump … less so.  The singing …. should not be happening.  Watch it on mute is my advice.

Kieran shows up at K-cup’s apartment building (completely on his own — he wasn’t driven there by Seacrest or anything) to say good-bye since he’s headed back to Jolly Old England.  Guess Laurieann’s magic is not the instantaneous kind.  Cryington doesn’t invite Kieran up to her actual apartment or anything; perhaps she was worried he would leap off her roof.  Kieran doesn’t even go in for a kiss, which is pathetic.  There was ample opportunity, but not enough huevos. Laurieann should have offered Kieran a pair of balls from the collection hanging on her office wall.

Sorry, Kieran.  We’d lend you our balls, but Diddy Bitch already took them.