***Please welcome ApplePie to the family! HUGZ
We open with a line of dancers stretching outside a building in LA to audition for Divas: Salute the Troops. Very unoriginal, Ryan Seacrest … stealing opening shots from more popular shows on Fox, hoping that people will stop to watch if they think assume it’s an Idol or So You Think You Can Dance rerun. Again, in the theme of Idol, Laurieann’s legs get out of the limo and Lacee, ever-humble gopher, hands her reflection a coffee mug. Kids whisper about Laurieann’s evil reputation. Richy, Laurieann’s Magic Mirror #2 choreographer, calls in the first 35 victims dancers and she welcomes them. Ummmmm … why are all the Auditionettes wearing stilettos? Was that on the call sheet? Hope Diddy Bitch has some personal injury insurance.
Let’s meet my hero!!! As I mentioned in the mini-cap, I’ve been waiting years for this woman to get her own show. Be careful what you wish for ….
Gene Kelly has nothing on this bitch.
Laurieann introduces herself as a choreographer, creative director (is that like “executive producer”?) and dancer extraordinaire. She says she’s everything. I think she’s including self-styling in that “everything”, since she’s dressed in the shirt and sweater she stole from the 300-lb frat boy she took home to her dungeon last night. She’s auditioning dancers for Divas: Salute the Troops because she’s the creative director for the show and supposedly has to show all three divas (Katy Perry, Keri Hilson, and Jennifer Nettles – that girl can DANCE for a country singer – have you seen the video for “Stuck Like Glue”?) how to dance, plus choreograph all the other dancers, set up the craft service table, steal some souls, you know, everything.
Let’s meet Sarah, Diddy Bitch’s #3, who still has to audition for Laurieann even though she works as her assistant choreographer. Sarah danced for a few sports teams, danced in Burlesque (the movie, not the club by the airport) and is now looking for more stability in her life by working as a choreographer, since she’s the ripe old age of 27. Ask Laurieann how that worked out for her now that she’s … how old is she? Sarah, you ask her how old she is, ‘cause I wanna know but I don’t want to get punched in the vag.
We get to see some wicked dance moves at rehearsal and then Laurie cautions the dancers, and us at home, that when she’s in the room, “You better go full out, ‘cause I am FULL OUT!” I sit up a little straighter ‘cause this bitch is from Toronto, and you know Ontarians don’t play (ask Quebec … they wanted independence from Canada and ended up with Ontario’s boot in their collective ass), even if you’re only watching them on TV. Jeez, I hope she doesn’t read this recap. Laurieann kicks a few dancers out, including Kherington Payne (no, her parents did NOT pick her name from a Jackie Collins novel), a 20-year-old SYTYCD alumnus who was hired by Laurie to dance in a Katy Perry video and then “starred” in Fame (again, the shitty movie remake, not the club). I don’t know which accolade is lamer, but Kher Bear can’t figure out why Hollywood isn’t as formulaic as a Sweet Valley High book. Poor Kherington: young, beautiful and unemployed. I heard the Kardashians have an opening for a new sister with a stupid “K” name … you’d fit right in AND make 65 million a year. Problem solved! Unfortunately for K-cup, but fortunately for the viewing audience, she wants to work for Laurieann instead.
Laurieann’s production company, Boom Kack Studios (will have to do a little research on that name, but I think it’s because she just says those two words all the time when she’s choreographing): Laurieann respects Sarah enough to tell her NOW that she’s not right for Divas, rather than telling her in front of all the other girls at the audition. That’s one of the perks of being Diddy Bitch’s minion – you get a private rejection instead of a public one. Laurieann tells her team that she needs a new assistant choreographer because she’s getting so big time (and has the MTV Moon Man to prove it! They don’t just hand those out, you know. “Bad Romance” was VERY difficult to choreograph, with all those new dance moves, like the Alligator Clap, the Charleston, Claw Hands, and the Twist). The L-Team collectively groans at the idea of adding another peon to the Boom Kack pyramid. Laurieann shares that Richy is her HEAD choreographer (so HE’S responsible for that weave?) and she trusts him with her vision. She wants to hire Kherington, and Richy whines that he doesn’t want to have to help a THIRD stupid white girl (Sarah and Lacee are already enough work) climb up the same tree (I think “climb up the same tree” is Richy-ese for “get famous in the dance world”). Laurieann consoles Richy by inviting him to a three-way with the Moon Man statue and then whispers to him that no one can ever do for her what he has. We’ll have to explore that little tidbit later on this season.
Cut to Sarah and her boyfriend Paul dancing the tango at a restaurant called Mama Juana’s. Sarah met Paul on the Burlesque set. Of course he was in that movie because he’s one of the “best male dancers in the industry”. Didn’t Bit-Bit say that about K-Fed? That’s not a reason to bone someone!!! They’ve been together about eight months, according to Sarah. I bet Paul would have a much different timeline if we asked him. Sarah interviews that Paul is her rock (in more ways than one, I bet) in this crazy world of dance, and that he gives her something to look forward to every lonely night day. Tick, tick, tick … They discuss Sarah’s insecurity about who Paul is working with on his next job, and Sarah thinks Paul is worried about who she works with. Paul says he doesn’t care … because he trusts her, and that’s the difference between her and him. Oooooh, burn! Yeah, that’s EXACTLY why you don’t care, Paul. He insults her insecurity while also criticizing her (well-deserved) lack of trust in him. Dick.
Kherington shares an apartment and lots of childhood dancing memories with her BFF Paula. These two TOTALLY should have starred in The Roommate. Paula, Kherington says, is one of Laurieann’s favorite dancers.
Paula Before The Dance Scene
Paula After The Dance Scene
I guess that’s why Paula got the Divas job and you didn’t, K-cup. Or maybe it’s because Kherington’s “too young” for it, like Laurie said, EXCEPT … Kherington says “but I’m older than you” to her soon-to-be-ex-BFF. Paula wisely bites her tongue at this realization, both to avoid Laurieann’s wrath later and K-cup’s tears now. Anyway, Laurieann wants to meet with Kherington and K-cup is nervous about it. Duh!
Boom Shakalaka Studio: Laurieann waltzes in with Richy (and Lacee, the meek and mild) to the tense waiting duet of K-cup and Sarah. Richy is in Magic Mirror mode again, giving Laurieann high-fives and amens as Diddy Bitch congratulates herself and, by extension, the L-Team (or not), for being a WORLD CHANGER. She demands asks that K-cup join the team, and Richy offers her a bitchy “Good luck”. Richy, there is no ‘asshole’ in T-E-A-M.
Kherington arrives for her first assignment at Boom Kack Studio. Laurieann walks in and shouts (I shit you not): “Kherington, dahling, squirrel, muffin, Honey Bunches of Oats” as a greeting. I want some of whatever she’s imbibing. She then orders Kherington to go buy her some new hair “in the hood”. Laurieann interviews that through this errand, she’s teaching Kherington about humility, how to serve, and wants to welcome her “to black”. Ahhhhhh, Laurieann, that makes total sense. Did you go to Kanye West University?
She then rattles off very specific instructions about which type of hair she wants, which Kherington would only understand if she has already seen the fantastic Chris Rock documentary, Good Hair, or wore weaves herself. Can’t check either of those blocks, so Kher Bear’s off to Ingle-WOOD, always up to no good (RIP 2Pac) …
Obviously, this is an emergency
Gratuitous police sirens abound. K-cup tells us that she’s pretty sure Inglewood is not the best area. Don’t worry, sweetie, even Inglewood’s least picky car thieves would pass up that hot-ass KIA you’re driving. After K-cup loses herself in a swirl of Indian hair and settles on what she THINKS is the correct crowning glory, she has to pay Richy’s meth dealer $1500 to purchase it – ALL SALES FINAL.
Rehearsal for Divas: Laurieann calls ALL the dancers “squirrels”, so I guess Kher Bear’s in good company. Sarah stands off to the side glumly, relegated to Lacee’s button-pushing job since she was too shiny and emotionally fragile wasn’t right for the Divas show. Kherington delivers the WRONG hair to Laurieann – was there any ever doubt? – while Lacee gleefully tells Diddy Bitch exactly how eff’d up the weave is and Richy tut-tuts in his chair. He tells us that working with Laurieann involves knowing when to ask questions and when to shut up. Richy, now would be a good time for you to shut up. The Moon Man needs polishing; get to work!
Paul has invited Sarah out for brunch at the aptly-named Toast (describes the food and their relationship – Paul’s a multi-tasker!). As he breaks the bad news to her (reading directly from Douchebag Conversation Starters 101), he states that he “has love” for her, and cares about her, but just feels like they should take a break for a minute, while he goes overseas to bang European chicks with no self-esteem work. Does it burn when you pee, Paul? I hope so! He has the audacity to ask her not to cry. She sobs in her interview that she feels really let down and thought they’d both work hard to stay together. Sarah, hold back your well-placed wrath a little bit because you’re coming on a little strong through my TV. She tells Paul she thinks she should leave now and the vermin asks, “Can I at least have a hug?” She hugs and KISSES him!! Ugh, Sarah, really. Now you have traded in your self-worth for Herpes Simplex I AND II. Valtrex can’t wash Paul away!!! At least the camera doesn’t show Sarah looking back longingly at K-Sped while she plods off down the street (I bet she did look back but even Seacrest couldn’t stomach such a pathetic move on camera). Paul went back to his lunch, BTW. He needs his energy for “work” later.
Look, Laurieann has a boyfriend …. It’s her business partner, Joe “Flip” Wilson, and she has been dating him secretly for four years. Laurieann and Joe, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S … no wait, they’re just comparing purses and nail polish. They can’t even figure out how to hold hands!! It’s like their palms are reverse magnetic poles. Come on, you’re not fooling us!!
As they sit and awkwardly chat at a restaurant, Laurieann compliments Joe on his outfit (natch), and apologizes for not wearing something sexier for him. In response, Joe vomits a little in his mouth but covers up by coughing politely. Joe asks Laurieann if she NEEDS people to know about them. Laurieann responds by asking Joe to walk down the red carpet with her at Divas. Joe says, and I quote, “Really? As like what, a date, like, your man? I don’t know, you know what it is? I just think that when, representing you at times, the respect of business just needs to be in place. So I don’t know about that.” Hey, Laurieann and Sarah …. oh, forget it. You two make me feel better about my past horrible romantic choices.
Rehearsal. Laurieann explains that her whole team, even if they’re not performing, has to know the choreography for upcoming events in case they have to step in. So Sarah and Kherington are rehearsing too, even though they’re not in the BIG SHOW. Laurieann stops the rehearsal to explain to Kherington, as she puts it, how to bring Orange County to Manhattan (WTF? Bring it down a notch, Laurieann: You’re physically in LA, you hail from Toronto, and you talk about “going Brooklyn” on someone – how many geography lessons do we need?). Anyway, Laurieann explains to K-cup and the rest of us that white girls are only dope dancers when they show their soul. K-cup timidly replies, “I’ve got soul.” Yeah, the weave purchasing field trip proved that. Laurieann tries to explain to K-cup that she does NOT have soul, but instead dances like a white girl robot. Over the next few minutes, we all learn exactly how soul-less Kherington is (and Laurieann has ingested many, many souls, so she knows what she’s talking about). Since Kher Bear hasn’t cried yet, Diddy Bitch breaks out the big guns and says to her, “You can’t lie to yourself and think that you’re perfect”. She then dis-invites K-cup to Divas, and Kherington stomps off in her Doc Martens (way to show your soul with footgear) to cry in the bathroom. Lacee, chains rattling, writes down another point for Laurieann on the chalkboard in the corner. Kherington cries to us and then to Sarah, who has come in to console her. Sarah tries to convince K-cup she does not look stupid. And she would know, since Sarah wrote the book on looking stupid – all you need is Paul and a random restaurant.
Lacee’s driving Laurieann, Sarah and Richy to the show, and Richy asks Laurieann if Joe will walk with her on the red carpet. We all know that Joe stays the hell away from all kinds of carpet, whether it’s red carpet, or light brown, wavy – NOT Kunta-Kinte-type – carpet, but Laurieann fantasizes anyway that he WILL walk with her.
Rehearsal backstage. Lacee gets to push the music buttons!!!
I guess Sarah must be doing something more important, like … um, well, anyway, Richy dances with the group, in his Captain Steubing hat. Very patriotic. Laurieann’s stylist rushes up and asks if she’s ready for her red carpet outfit. She exclaims that she can’t do the red carpet because she has to rehearse more, and we cut to the fabu Joe Wilson in his red carpet ensemble (you can picture his clothes if you imagine Kenny Rogers and Barry Gibbs teamed up for Tuxedo Haus Design), sadly texting his “girlfriend” to come meet him on the red carpet.
Divas Live goes off without a hitch. Laurieann is happy, but everyone on the L-Team is miserable. Just the way she likes it. See you next week!