Laurieann demurely admits she’s “making history” today! She really needs to work on her low self-esteem. She’s directing the music video for The Way You Love Me as a personal favor to the beautiful Keri Hilson. Laurieann mentions all the stars who will be appearing in the video, and it sounds like a VIP list from Diddy’s White Party, circa 2000, except for JoJo, who was born that year. Disclaimer: I have about three JoJo songs in my iPod. She sings catchy ditties! Why would you put a has-been teenaged pop singer in the video? Laurieann Gibson: Savior of poor little post-peak rich white girls.
Dance or Die, Bitches!
Diddy Bitch makes sure Keri and her video girls are dressed perfectly for the 2011 L.A. Mud & Jello Wrestling Regional Tournament. Keri tells us that Laurieann provides an interesting female perspective as the video director. She believes Laurieann’s “lens captured the strength behind the sexiness”. That’s one way to put it, or we could just say that Laurieann’s lens capitalized on your assets, Keri, and exploited them as well as any BET videographer.
Sarah’s waiting anxiously in Laurieann’s office to ask her permission to return to the Knicks City Dancers and guest choreograph for them. Laurieann reluctantly grants her a few days off, but only after she corrects Sarah’s definition of the word “choreography” and makes sure Sarah can be bitchy strong enough to choreograph on her own. She is representing Team Bitch Kack after all. After kissing Laurieann’s ring, Sarah scuttles out of the room backwards, bowing and scraping.
While packing at the castle, Sarah tells K-cup and Paulandroid that her NYC trip will also involve some nooky with an ex who is named, coincidentally, Paul. Jeez, you get one little “Paul’s Girl” tramp stamp tattoo in college and then you’re stuck in a romantic rut.
Back at the Bitch Cave, Laurieann is introducing us to Missy Modell, a #1-musical-artist-in-training who hasn’t even signed with a label yet. Missy looks like she just jumped off the Mouseketeer train to me.
Leak a Missy After Midnight video on the internet and we might take notice.
NOW we’re getting somewhere.
Anywho, Little Miss is getting a dance number choreographed by Laurieann. Her L-Team is all dancing with soul, except for You-Know-Who. K-cup is effin’ the steps up again, and Diddy Bitch ain’t havin’ it. Or perhaps she’s on her period, and she NEEDS to make K-cup cry so her cramps don’t hurt so bad.
Lacee’s standing stage left, next to the computer and miming the moves like she’s the gay kid brother at high school cheerleading practice. I see the standard Lacee uniform this season will be black leggings, a flowy t-shirt, and those hideous high-tops with no laces. Perhaps that’s all the rage in Minnesota, but LA likes their girls anorexic and as scantily-clad as possible.
Lacee’s hopes of taking Kherington’s spot in rehearsal raise exponentially every time Laurieann finds a new way to tell K-cup she’s a robot on the dance floor (coincidentally, the title of the new single from Missy Modell). By the time Cryington breaks down in tears and stomps off to collect her dance gear, Lacee’s practically levitating with expectant joy. How kind of the editors to cut to Lacee at this exact moment to show us her excitement. Way to capitalize on misery, Seacrest. He’s laughing all the way to the bank. Laurieann threatens K-cup with termination as she cries in the corner while Missy the Mouseketeer and the rest of the L-Team cringe in embarrassment/fear for Cryington.
Cryington apparently finds her soul in her gym bag because after drying her tears, she’s back on the floor and rehearsing a little less robotically, at least according to a happier Laurieann. My sharp x-ray dance vision declares otherwise.
Kherington showing her soul
Paulandroid and Sarah still both look much better dancing, but Cryington is still on the L-Team, much to Lacee’s chagrin. How bad must it feel to work for Diddy Bitch for two years, to include washing her ratty little dogs, only to get passed over in favor of the blubbering “star” of Fame? Those Minnesota winters aren’t looking so bad anymore, are they, Lacee?
Sarah’s in NYC, free of Diddy Bitch’s harpy clutches, and ready to guest choreograph for her alma mater dance team. The Knicks City Dancers director thanks Sarah for choreographing and invites her to shake her ass with the team, holding out a uniform that the Patridge family would dismiss as too tacky.
I’d rather go naked! Where are my steroids?
Sarah has a little trouble incorporating herself into the routine, but without Diddy Bitch screaming at you from the front of the room, reminding you that you’re just a stupid white girl searching for your soul on the dance floor, It’s amazing how you can pull yourself together and make it work.
Cut to K-cup crying to Paulandroid about how she has worked just as hard as Paula and Sarah (read as: I’m a better dancer than you and Sarah put together) but Diddy Bitch still treats her differently (read as: verbally beats her). Paula tries to bring up her own problems: divorced parents who no longer own a home in Orange County. You know, serious problems that Laurieann can relate to. Anyway, Paula feels she connects with Laurieann because of that sadness. We all know Sarah can connect with Laurieann on the poor-romantic-choices front, so Laurieann loves her, too. So the crux of the issue is that Laurieann hates K-cup, and only K-cup, because K-cup is happy and has no problems. Miserable bitches with power will simply beat the happiness out of you until your own misery satisfies them.
Laurieann’s video producer leaked the video to the press and the Ebony magazine editor complained that Keri looked like a ho in The Way You Love Me. Laurieann feels the need to explain to Lacee that Ebony is a black magazine. Lacee knows all about Ebony, and Jet, and O magazines because they were all on the banned books list at her high school in The Great White North.
Laurieann complains to her mother about the bad press (Laurieann’s mom’s accent reveals that she’s from some Caribbean island … how did Laurieann’s family get to Toronto from de eye-lans, mon? Now THAT would be an interesting story to throw in one of these fascinating episodes of a show that claims to be about dancing but is really not). Mom and Anonymous Friend tell Laurieann to defend herself. Here’s Laurieann’s great plan To Get Back At The Black Press, step-by-step. Step #1: Call Perez Hilton (Really? That guy’s whiter than Lacee! How can he help?) and get him to interview Keri Hilson so she can defend Laurieann’s directorship her skanky music video. Step #2: Get interviewed by YRB magazine (my initial research reveals that YRB stands for “Yellow Rat Bastard” … seriously), a publication with less readership than NAMBLA Weekly. Step #3, do a photo spread for YRB and release the pictures on the internet, dressed in clothes that make Keri’s video wardrobe look a little more modest. Way to get back at ‘em, Laurieann.
Don’t you wish your choreographer was hot like me?
Sarah and Ex-Paul #1 meet at Sushi Samba for a little pre-sex-with-the-ex-dinner. They discuss her future while eating stuff the busboys swept up off the floor of the local fish market. Sarah makes out with Ex-Paul #1 and wishes she still lived in NYC so someone on each coast could crush her soul.
During Laurieann’s prep for the YRB interview and photo shoot, we get to spend some more quality time with Joseph ”Flip” Wilson, Laurieann’s supposed boyfriend. He DOES know how to dress like a man (point for the heterosexual Joe Wilson)! He is there by her side to be super-supportive of her directorial choices (point for the homosexual Joe Wilson)! We all know hetero guys can be less than supportive of their ladies’ careers, especially when “being supportive” requires getting up early on a Saturday morning and watching them get beautified and dressed in different outfits for three hours.
Sarah struggles into the fire-retardant polyester/go-go boots combo the Knicks City dancers call their uniform. After squeezing into the latex, performing the dance routine is cake.
How tight is too tight?
She tells us she doesn’t want to take “her costume” (her word, not mine) off, probably because it requires master-level yoga moves to peel off her body. Sarah reluctantly says good-bye to NYC and Ex-Paul #1 and heads back to L.A. and the Boom Kack wrap-party for the Keri Hilson video. The whole team is together out in public, so this presents another great opportunity for Laurieann to embarrass K-cup with another story about how she doesn’t dance with her whole
(fill in the blank with: heart, soul, whiteness, etc.). At least this story involves Stefani Germanotta and bleeding toes.
Before Laurieann/After Laurieann
After a friendly team dance-off on the club floor, Laurie toasts her team and insists that they will “rule the world with their feet” (but your toes better be bleeding, bitches)! I love this woman! See you next week!