The Dance Scene: No One Puts Lacey in a Corner

Last time, on The Dance Scene, we were utterly bored AND we were witness to the national extinction of the strong, single female.  Sigh …

Pee on Paula’s head RIGHT NOW, Sarah!  Or you’ll be pushing buttons for three years!

Laurieann’s condo.  Lacee’s there, taking notes and wearing the entire Wal-Mart jewelry counter on her person (it would suck to be stuck behind her in airport security:  “Oops, forgot my fifth toe ring!  My bad!).  Laurieann tells us that Lacee, after taking the Minnesota dance scene by storm (Minnesota Dance Quarterly is on the back of my toilet, so I’m up on this shit!), has moved from the Great White North to bless Laurieann with slave labor and reflective glory.  Lacee cringes at us as she describes working for Laurieann for TWO YEARS without a single dance performance.  That whiny bitch Kherington has nothing to cry about.  Laurieann starts choreographing in the kitchen and Lacee types dance notes furiously on her well-placed iMac.  I don’t know what she’s typing, though, since Diddy Bitch is drunkenly yelling out made-up names of moves like, “Salchow, toe, ‘chow, toe, SILKS!”.  Those were some of the distinguishable words … my captioning program listed a lot of the rest of her dancing monologue as “[mumble]”.

Hooray for triple co-dependency!!!  Broken-hearted (and itchy-labia’d) Sarah is moving  in with Paula and Kherington, since she and Paul broke up and consequently, she lost her deposit on their apartment when the landlord took a black light with him during his move-out inspection.  Kherington describes her apartment as a “palace” and it really is, by my standards at least.  Paula chatters at Sarah, who’s unpacking (but may change her mind after she listens to Paula).  BTW, is it weird to live with “Paula” immediately after “Paul” broke your heart?  Paula asks:  “So, are you ready to make magical times in our beautiful palace, free of Paul the monster who comes in our lagoon?”  That sounds suspiciously like a line from the adult film script Paul is working on in Europe!  Me thinks Paul boffed Paula ran his lines with Paula before leaving.  Sarah’s sad … Paul texts her from the lagoon and the girls suggest she “block him” from her cell.  I didn’t know you could do that!!!!  I’ll be right back … I just have to get my phone.

Laurieann stops rehearsing a just-to-pay-the-bills job the Beverly Hills Fashion Festival opening number to pull Lacee (with Richy in tow, of course) into her pink office and tell her that she and Richy have deemed Lacey worthy to DANCE DANCE DANCE!  No more button-pushing (at least during this ep)!!!  She’s rightfully ecstatic, as we all know the Beverly Hills Fashion Festival is a spring board into the upper crust of the dance world.

Pride of Minnesota

Laurieann pumps her Black-Power-gloved hand in the air in triumph at making another young dancer’s dream come true (the other hand, ungloved, is for crushing said dreams).

Back to rehearsal.  BTW, all those mumbles in the kitchen translated into a sick routine.  However, I can’t stop staring at Laurieann.  Damn, girl!  I would be distracted by the terrible outfit if I wasn’t so distracted by her amazing body.  Of course, she bought her boobs, but she had to work hard for abs and hips like that.

Pride of Toronto

Kherington can’t seem to push play and stop without three reminders (it’s not her fault:  she can’t multi-task and Lacee gave her a piece of gum before rehearsal started).  She gets the double yell from Laurieann and Richy and I want to cry on her behalf.  K-cup’s lack of button-pushing abilities cause her to lose her “tech job” to Sarah.

Later that evening, Paulandroid, Sarah and Kher Bear get in the hot tub at their castle and passerby throw sandwiches at them.  Seriously, girls, eat something.  You cannot survive on coffee and cutting sarcasm alone (but maybe that’s how Laurieann earned her abs …).  Kherington throws a thinly-veiled “Lacee’s fat and she STILL got the part over me” at Sarah, who softballs it back to her and tells her to work harder.  Paula nods vehemently in the background.  She’s so much better when she doesn’t talk.  K-cup, how ‘bout you use your empty evening while your roomies are at the fashion show to practice pushing “stop” and “play”?  Whatever you do, DON’T swim in the lagoon.

The L-Team arrives at the fashion show tent to rehearse.  Interesting fashion choices abound:  Diddy Bitch is dressed as an S&M circus ringmaster, and Paula borrowed Corey Hart’s acid-washed jean jacket.  As they walk in to practice, the pasty, bony event planner appears out of nowhere, complaining that she’ll have to polish the mirrored runway surface AGAIN since the dancers dirtied it with their hateful tennis shoes (Hey Event Planner:  I heard Kherington’s got some free time, and she HAS to be better with Windex than she is with computer buttons).  The event planner, who obviously powders the inside of her nose every four hours, decides to challenge Laurieann in the Tough Bitch category and I feel like I’m in an alternate universe as LAURIEANN tries to talk HER down.  Diddy Bitch does show off her biceps tattoos, and grabs Crack Attack’s forearm, but Crack Attack starts twitching and stomps off so Laurieann tells her team to pack up and leave.  It’s awesome, in a bewildering sort of way.

Quick:  Who came in first in the ugly contest? Blurry face doesn’t count!

While she’s taking 8-count calming breaths outside, Laurieann vents her anger by saying:  “I was JUST in Milan with Dolce & Gabbana and Naomi Campbell.  Are you crazy?”  Not proving your point, Laurieann.  All those people you mentioned – and you – ARE crazy.  Also, if you are going to name-drop your close personal friends, shouldn’t you be referring to them as “Domenico, Stefano and Naomi”?

Lacee looks down despondently as her childhood dream of dancing a one-minute routine in a tent on a slippery runway at a third-tier fashion show goes down the drain.  Laurieann swallows her pride once she sees Lacee’s face, and insists they’ll march back in there and let their “gifts slice through the atmosphere”.  She wants to make sure the fashion show is boring in comparison to the L-Team’s performance.   Laurieann is the Tony Robbins of choreography.  Let’s do this!!

Pride of the Short Bus!  Where’s my helmet?

After some more venting words from Laurieann, involving all the now-anti-climatic cool threats she made during the previews to this season (Pixy Stik, I’ll go Brooklyn, skinny white ass, etc.), they all shuffle back in to the tent.  The entire L-Team (except Lacee) kills the rehearsal.  Laurieann begins to regret her magnanimous offer to our buxom blonde, but no one turns Etonics into Capezios like Laurieann.  She comes up with yet another villanous plan by tasking Sarah with the enviable responsibility of ensuring Lacee gets the moves down by tomorrow’s performance … or else.  Sarah looks very excited about disappointing someone besides Paul!

Kherington is summoned to Casa Gibson.  At K-cup’s tentative knock, Laurieann orders her own mother to answer the door, and she humbly does so.  Guess Laurieann’s strident personality did NOT come from Mom.  Laurieann tells Kher Bear, with some vague, roundabout Lacee-blame, why Kherington has to groom her two tiny dogs but then tells us that she’s just hazing Kherington.  Laurieann has this How to Train Minions thing down!!!  Look how well her mom responds to commands!

Kherington cheerfully leaves with the dogs in a giant gym bag and takes them home where Paulandroid leads Kherington through the dog grooming process.  Perhaps Paula paid her Boom Kack dues the same way?

Cut to the rooftop where Sarah and Lacee will be re-enacting a scene from Kung Fu sharpening Lacee’s moves for the Raging Runway Routine so that she doesn’t embarrass Laurieann herself tomorrow (and thereby destroy Sarah’s burgeoning choreography career).  Side note to Lacee:  your terrible, terrible, zebra-printed, UNLACED (how is that safe for dance?) hightop sneakers do not distract us from the rest of your body.  So you’re a little Zaftig … we like that!  Don’t try to hide it behind ugly shoes that could kill you.  Sarah transforms into Laurieann Robbins, Jr. as she pep talks Lacee away from the edge of the building and back into the loving arms of stressful dance practice.

Kherington returns to Boom Shakalaka Studios with Laurieann’s now-clean-and-shiny familiars.  Laurieann retracts her statement from last episode that Kherington is souless, because anyone who removes her dogs’ dingleberries must have a soul (or a super bobble-head android roommate who cleans the dogs for you).

Showtime (almost)!  Laurieann, following the advice of her close personal friend Naomi Campbell, is still in her Britney-Spears inspired ringmaster suit but has classed it up for the red carpet with a Colu-Cheer (WTF?) trucker hat.

Trust me, it looks soooooo much classier with the hat.

But then again, Laurieann is actually walking the carpet with Joe Wilson at this event so really, no one will be talking about the hat.  The Closet Cohort happy couple skips over to the hastily set up bar to drink pink champagne out of plastic cups.  This is a very refined, exclusive event.  Laurieann warns that Sarah should have perfected Lacee’s performance because this was a test for both of them.  Laurieann, do you have trust issues?

Live or Die?

The performance goes swimmingly, much to my chagrin.  No one falls down, Lacee stays in the back of the herd, and we can’t see much of her during the performance except flailing arms and hair.  The outfits are atrocious.  Everyone was allowed to pick their own tops and shoes, I guess, but all the female dancers were required to wear high-waisted shiny lycra leggings that still had yeast infections in them when Laurieann stole them from the Solid Gold soundstage.  Lacee’s remarkably doppelganger mother is grinning inanely throughout the performance sitting next to Sarah, who bites her nails past the quick while praying feverishly.  After the show, Laurieann, who has obviously downed some of Lacee’s mom’s happy pills, takes Lacey aside for an L-Team pride talk and leads the rest of the group in a round of applause for Sarah’s teaching abilities.   Sarah would collapse in sheer relief, but she’s too busy texting Paul to respond.  Paul’s too busy consoling Kherington to text back.

Yay!  Next week we get to see Laurieann’s wig move and watch her direct Keri Hilson’s video.  Can’t wait!