The Ev3nt: Aliens are EVERYWHERE!!!

This week on The Ev3nt, questions are answered, and they only lead to more questions!!! How, producers?!? How is this different from LOST?

Everything picks up right where it left off. The airplane disappears into a wormhole (and for the record I still am giving the nod to shoddy knowledge of physics for the crazy ass wind on the ground last week), but instead of Jack waking up in the middle of the jungle on a deserted island, the plane reappears over a desert! Somewhere! And most people, if they were flying a plane over the ocean that was suddenly no longer over the ocean but instead over an endless sea of sand and rocks, would panic and probably crash the shit out of the plane.

Not Michael Fucking Buchanan.

When you successfully do something that no professional pilots could really ever dream of doing, “Fucking” automatically becomes your middle name. Seriously, this guy, who may or may not be a pilot IRL, managed to land a commercial airliner in the desert, avoiding almost all rocks large obstacles that were apparently scattered all over the place, and he did this WITHOUT LANDING GEAR. Or, for that matter, slats/flaps or even reverse thrusters. And, to top it off, he did it without anyone dying, it seems. This man is a GOD.

To make things better, the one person involved in the whole mess who actually IS a professional in the airline industry – the nameless flight attendant – sees a fire ignite in the back of the plane, and puts those countless hours of training in flight attendant school to good use by PANICKING instead of telling everyone to stay calm and directing people to the emergency exits. And she’s probably one of the ones who gets offended when you call them “stewardesses.” You, bitch, are a stewardess.

Sean, being the hero that he is, springs into action and opens the door and activates the giant floatie slide. Side note – while I don’t want to be involved in the requisite plane crash, I have ALWAYS wanted to slide down one of those.

Billy Bob springs into action for some reason and decides that the fire must be put out, even though everyone appears to be out of the plane.

This is what you call “bringing a knife to a gunfight.”

Seriously, you apparently don’t have to be smart to become an air marshall. Billy Bob pulls his coat over his face and dives into the flames. Apparently the fire gods like this sacrifice, because there’s an explosion that causes a massive fireball to fly down the aisle of the airplane. Sean bursts into action. Again. He runs down the aisle towards the explosion, grabs Billy Bob, and drags him out of the plane!

Somehow, despite being engulfed in a fireball, the man has suffered no burns! He should join with Edward Cullen to make a team of people whose skin doesn’t function how it’s supposed to!!

Man, this slide is fun!

Then, just when we think everyone is finally out of the plane, the stewardess spots Michael Fucking B walking out of the plane. He appears to be in shock!!!

Cut.

Four days earlier. Shit. I was hoping we were past this shit. Michael (this is pre-awesome landing, before “fucking” was his middle name) is telling some guy he won’t fly the plane into the president. So at least he tried to resist…

They force him to look through a peephole, and we get a bit of a peep show between Vickie (that’s the Bro’s gf) and Leila, which sounds like it’d be AWESOME but then Vickie ruins things by putting a gun to Leila’s head.

Vickie, this is NOT what your viewers want. Think of the children!!!

So for fear of losing his daughters, Michael reluctantly agrees to fly the plane.

Cut.

Back to the desert. Everyone is just standing by the burning plane. Seriously, guys, is this the best place to be? Next to a fire that’s just burning and burning right on top of the airplane’s fuel supply…

Michael fucking Buchanan tells Sean what we just watched. Sean recognizes the name Vickie, and I guess either he’s actually a lot smarter than he acts (and noticed something was weird about the fact that Vickie and Bro conveniently separated him from Leila right before Leila went missing) or just assumes that since he only knows one person named Vickie that this must be the same one! But it is!

The stewardess, continuing her “I don’t know wtf to do in a real emergency” act, starts screaming because help is coming.

Help generally doesn’t come in the form of military helicopters flying in formation…

Michael Fucking B immediately realizes this is not “help,” and tells Sean to run. He’s screaming at the top of his lungs about how Sean needs to go NOW to save Leila, and his acting is almost as strained as his voice!!!

Sean runs off into the desert! Problem one: you don’t think that maybe the people in these military helicopters would notice one person sprinting through a desert?! Problem two: even if they didn’t, it’s a desert. While I agree with MB that these guys probably aren’t coming to assist them with water and those fun little foil blankets, how much of a dick is he going to feel like if Sean runs off into the desert and dies while the rest of them stay by the plane and munch on nutter butters? However, since running seems to be what Sean does well…

Like the wind.

INTRO!!!!

The President is immediately rushed to the hangar. He tells his secret service dude to get his family to the bunker, and that he’ll be joining shortly. Immediately Weasel pulls up! This guy has some balls. He conveniently sneaks out of the party just before an airplane almost crashes into it, and no one even asks him what he was up to!

Mr P gets down to the bunker and is briefed by his military people – basically they know what we knew at the end of last episode. The plane disappeared. They tell him this in about 16 different ways, to make it sound like they know at least something.

Mr P, being smarter than the average bear, realizes when the military guy tells him that no one in the world has this capability that it’s probably the ‘others.’ Actually, Weasel points it out to him. He goes to talk to Sophia.

Cut.

Thirteen months earlier, Weasel is trying to convince Mr P to stay out of this. Mr P says no. It appears that in the 1940s an aircraft crashed in Alaska. Due to it being war time, military personnel were quick to lock down the site and capture all survivors. As it turns out, they deduced that these people were actually not from Earth. Great. Aliens.

So what, you’re telling me that aliens are living among our population, hiding in plain sight because they look like us, and they have a plan that may or may not involve harming us? If they look like lizards when you cut through their man-suit, I’m going to lose my shit.

This was Blair Underwood’s genuine reaction when he first heard that line..

The aliens apparently look just like us, and apparently differ from our dna by 1%. After it’s explained to Mr P that 1% is actually a big genetic difference, he asks why we’re holding them. Apparently it’s because they won’t answer questions. Weasel tells Mr P that he “knows in his bones” that they have a hidden agenda. Very scientific, that.

Cut.

Back to the desert, where Sean is no longer running. In fact, he’s barely walking. And now he’s not even doing that. Why? Because he’s in the desert, and the desert is where people go to die. It’s hot, and there aren’t any street signs.

Look at that artificial lens flare! It must be at least 200 degrees out there!!

Cut.

Lovebirds back on the cruise ship. Leila is hung over, and tells Sean he’d better hurry up and go so he doesn’t miss snorkeling with Vickie. Weird. He says that he’s not leaving her when she’s not feeling well. Smart man. She tells him she’d hump him dry if she wasn’t afraid she’d puke all over the place in the process, but words it more gracefully.

Vickie knocks, and when Sean answers the door she walks right into the room. She’s wearing a bikini under a robe, which is just hanging wide open. So she’s wearing a bikini. She’s probably not what I’d want to see when I was hung over. Wait, what am I saying, she’s exactly what I’d want to see…anytime? But I’m sure this isn’t exactly high on Leila’s wishlist.

Seriously, is this the girl you’re going to send your soon-to-be-fiance off to go “snorkeling” with?

She tells Leila she’s worried about her. It’s a fucking hangover. Well, we in the audience know it is probably a little drug-induced, but why the hell would Vickie be worried about her hungover new BBF? Leila tells her that Sean IS in fact going snorkeling, and now I understand how that happened last week.

Leila closes her eyes to get some rest, and there’s a knock at the door. It would appear that I’d forgotten that there was at least one person lower on the wish-list of people Leila wants to see when she’s hung over.

BRO!!!

There’s something funny about this couple and not liking to close the front of their shirts. I don’t trust them. Bro barges into the room and plops some effervescent pill into a glass of water and tells her to drink up. She’s all “right, like I’ve never been date-raped before,” and sets the glass down and tries nicely to tell him to gtfo so she can sleep. He tries to put the moves on her by telling her that Sean and Vickie are doing it like dolphins, which is typically not the best way to get a girl all hot. Leila tells him that if he won’t leave, she will, and opens the door to see a security guard standing there. He asks if there’s a problem, and she tells him that Bro was just leaving.

Security guy tells him to leave, and Bro decides to argue. He says he’s got it under control. In what world is that going to convince a security guard to not kick you out of a girl’s room? The security guard thinks it’s a dumb response, too, especially after the third time he’s heard it, and takes matters into his own hands.

Don’t tase stab me, bro!!!

Leila, thankfully not being totally stupid, realizes that cruise boat security guards don’t really have a license to kill, especially one that extends to brutally murdering unarmed bros, and takes off running. Sadly, she meets another security guard, who stops her and  she gets a needle in the neck. Night night.

Sean wakes up in the hospital. He apparently passed out about 20 yards from the road. FAIL. The nurse tells him he’s in Arizona. He tells her he needs to talk to the police, because his girlfriend was kidnapped. He starts getting a bit more anxious, and our nurse tells him to calm down. Seriously, what is it with people in the specialized service industries in this show?  Apparently they’re all inept. She finally agrees to call them for him.

She calls the cops, and the guy who answers the phone looks up Sean Walker. Apparently he’s wanted for the murder of Bro! They zoom in on Bro’s license, and it turns out he was an organ donor! That sucks that most of his organs probably got destroyed when he was fucking stabbed!!! They ask the nurse to just keep Sean there.

Cut.

Mr P goes to talk to Sophia.

Cut.

There’s a ton of fake snow everywhere. It’s clearly fake because it’s NOT MELTING even though there’s fire everywhere!!! Sophia tells some creepy looking guy to take everyone who is unharmed and flee the scene, because they were spotted and she doesn’t want all of them to get caught. Now we know how she ended up in a concentration camp.

Cut.

Mr P tells Sophia that he’s disappointed that she lied to him, and kind of blames her for the assassination attempt. He starts asking her questions, and all she can tell him is that they mean us no harm. She tries to give her people credit for saving Mr P’s life, but he sees right through this – clearly they were saving hers. Since she won’t talk, he sends her back to Inostranka. She warns him that her peoples’ patience is running out.

Cut.

Nurse goes back into Sean’s room. She tells him the police are coming to take his statement, but she’s acting all nervous and he gets worried. he looks out the window to see the police come running up. He must know Superman’s secret for getting changed in a phone booth in .2 seconds, because before the police get to his room, he’s dressed and doing what he does best.

Like. The. Wind.

Cut.

Five years earlier Sean was at swim practice. He swims like he runs – awesomely. He’s catching his breath after a particularly rigorous lap or two when he sees some girl flopping around in the water in much the same way I imagine that a brain-damaged panda would try to swim. He laughs at her. He’s right to. He swims over and tells her he’s not laughing AT her, he just thought it was cute. Somehow this works, and this scene goes Swimfan in a hurry. She asks if he’s captain of the swim team. He tells her he’s captain of the computer science society.

Probably anything would have been believable EXCEPT for that. Can’t buy it.

On a side note, what person in her right mind goes to the pool to try to teach herself to swim while the swim team is practicing, then gets all hurt when one of them laughs at her?

Also, is this scene supposed to explain to us how Sean got away from the ship’s security guards? Did he jump off the fucking boat and swim for shore?

Cut.

Sean is still running through the hospital. He pulls a Looney Toons and just ducks into a random door and enjoys the fact that no one saw him do it and they all run right by him. After some roundabout running, though, he runs smack into the FBI agents and gets arrested!

Cut.

Weasel tells Simon that he’s creating a special task force to learn more about these aliens now that it’s clear that they’ve been living among us. He wants Simon to lead the task force, which is funny since Simon is one of them.

Cut.

Ok, so I guess for those who didn’t pick up on Simon being an alien already, this scene’s for you! The nurse tries awkwardly to flirt with him while she’s repeatedly stabbing him in the arm with a needle, and can’t seem to find a vein. A moment later we see why.

This is very “Gattaca,” but with blood, not urine.

Cut.

Weasel tells Simon to do whatever he has to to root every last alien out.

Cut.

Simon meets the creepy guy from the UFO crash in an empty apartment. This guy really has a Steve Buscemi look to him. He tells him that now that we know about the others who have been living among us, the prisoner release has been scrapped and that there’s a super secret task force with the sole purpose of hunting them down.

Steve Buscemi tells Simon where the plane is.

Cut.

Sean is in the back of the FBI car, trying to explain to the agents what happened. They clearly don’t believe him. Sean tells them that he knows where they are, that the plane is just around the corner, but the state troopers are blocking the road! They tell the FBI guys that there’s a chemical spill and they have to go another way, and so they do! And so they don’t see the plane, and still think Sean is a narcissistic loony!!

Cut.

Simon finds the plane, right where Stevie B told him it was! Michael (a dead man cannot have “fucking” as his middle name) is dead all alone on the ground. A second later one of the guys with Simon calls him to look over a small ridge. He tells Simon they checked the vitals on every one of them. Simon barely had time to check vitals on Michael and a couple of people apparently had time to check vitals on like 200 people?!?

What’d I say about deserts? It’s where people go to die…

So WTF happened this week? I’m so confused! But basically we learned, above all else, that whoever composes the music for this show REALLY loves using timpanis to impart a feeling of doom or suspense! I could shut my eyes and see monkeys bashing each other with bones! Or Derek and Hansel smashing a Macintosh!!

Join me again next week, where every answer brings more questions! Even if most of those questions are simply “what the fuck?!?”