The Ev3nt: An Epidemic of Stupid

Welcome to a double catch up recap!

Last week on The Ev3nt, things took another interesting turn…also, in less interesting news, Shleila may be on the verge of making a (don’t call it a) comeback.

The episode kicks off with some guy we’ve never seen before wearing a parka and working in a lab. He opens up a glass cabinet and removes a tube of something. He opens the tube, and slides out a cylinder of ice. He then proceeds to take the cylinder of ice over to a fancy saw, and cut off a small disc of ice. It’s all very technical…

This is gonna be the best drink ever!

He puts the disc on a slide, and the slide in some machine, and just then alarms go off! He looks at the security monitor sitting right next to him, and there are a bunch of armed guys with guns coming, so he grabs his phone and calls Sophia! She tells him that no one can know what he’s working on. He tells her he’s *so* close, and she tells him that it doesn’t matter, take care of it. So he runs to all of the glass storage cabinets and turns some valves, and I guess it’s hot water because it’s melting the ice. He then runs to his computer and performs an “irrecoverable delete.” Ok, we’ll go with that…

The guys with guns bust in, and Herbert dives out the window! It’s bad enough that Sophia had to ask him to kill himself, but the fucker’s name is “Herbert?!?”

Why mother????!? WHYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!

INTRO!!

At the Community, Sophia is having a bit of a round table discussion at a square breakfast table. She tells them about Herbie’s sacrifice, and how he was THIS CLOSE to finding the weapon, but at least he emailed her all the data first! She gives it to some new guy to look into. Some other new guy chimes in and expresses his fears that the government is gonna hunt them all down like dogs!

Ugh, shut up, pussy…

Sophia, however, agrees with the guy, and tells everyone that she has a plan to disrupt the government. That plan is to kill Mr P!!!!

At the White House, Mr P gets briefed on the whole dead Herbert thing…they know he was studying ice core samples, but that’s all. They didn’t expect Humpty Herbert to fall off the wall. Mr P tells everyone that we’re now at war with the Others…and that’s where Darth Hatter steps in. It’s cute, The Ev3nt tries it’s hand at dramatic irony…

…and it’s a GAS!!!

Anyways, Darth Hatter suggests that maybe Mr P should get the word out to other world leaders that we have this alien infestation, and Mr P tells him to STFU and does it in a very obvious way, which is rather odd considering no one else in the White House knows of any reason that Mr P would be so hostile towards his VP. Anyways, Hatter is just trying to be helpful and Mr P is a complete ass to him.

Just then, Chief of Staff Shatmypants comes in and tells him that the Senator is there to see him. I bet this has something to do with the “TB Screenings,” whadda you think? Sen Lewis tells him that everyone who took the test (there was a heavy emphasis on those words) came back clean. Mr P completely misses her not-so-hidden meaning…so she explains further.

“Mr P, YOUR FUCKING WIFE DID NOT TAKE THE TEST, REMEMBER ASSHOLE?!? YOU TOLD ME TO TEST EVERYONE BUT THAT’S PRETTY HARD TO FUCKING DO WHEN YOU’RE EXEMPTING YOUR WIFE OF 15 YEARS WHO LOOKS THE SAME TODAY AS WHEN YOU FIRST MET DO YOU GET MY DRIFT?!?!?”

Mr P gets annoyed, but she doesn’t back down. She gives him a file on his wife. He gets mad and says it’s insane that his wife married him 15 years ago just hoping that Mr P would become…well…Mr P. Sen Lewis says that Sophia is a “brilliant strategist.” Personally, I think my dog is a better strategist, and he can’t even speak English. Lewis packs the file and leaves, and Mr P looks troubled.

Darth Hatter heads back into his office, and his cell rings, and it’s Sophia! She tells him not to trace the call, because it won’t work anyways. They exchange a few words, and she explains that the reason things got so out of hand is because Mr P is reckless, and that if things continue as they have been, more ‘mericans will die!!! She reveals to him that her grand plan is to make him the new Mr P!!!

Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

I think this offer falls in the category of “offers he can’t refuse.”

Sean climbs up and over a wall, and sees Flowers and his henchmen driving off…and then he sees that the house is on fire, so he runs inside! He finds Vicky unconscious in the room with all the fire, and she’s unconscious, so he shoots her handcuffs to break them and carries her out the back door! Sean lays her down on the grass and attempts CPR, but for some reason doesn’t bother to close her nose. Ugh I haven’t taken a CPR class in like 15 years, but this is like rule #1. It’s the little things, guys…

Anyways, as we all expect, she wakes up coughing and is super happy to see him. But…it turns out that Darth Flowers didn’t actually leave…

Back at the Community, the wheels are really turning. Leila cuts her hand open on purpose so that she can get out of her house…because the Big Black Dude is guarding the front door.

This would go great with some New Found Glory or Dashboard Confessionals.

Anyways, she cuts the fuck out of herself and then starts screaming for BBD. He comes running in and doesn’t bother to ask how the fuck she cut her hand like that or make any comments about how they should’ve kid-proofed the gorram house. He takes her to the medic, and while she’s there she sees Simon tied up in a bedroom. After she’s all patched up (what, these people can teleport across the universe but still rely on bandages?), she decides to skulk around the place, and sneaks into Simon’s room…

Simon has the Jack Motherfuckin’ Bauer whispertalk going. Anyways, he tells Leila that Sophia & Co are looking for a weapon in Siberia, and tells her there’s a woman named Irena Bogdonov or Katinka Ingabogovinana…na or something, and there was a point of interest near Mermaid or something…

Murmansk!!! MURMANSK!!!!

He tells Leila that she needs to steal a phone from one of Sophia’s Lieutenants and call someone important so they can do something about it the whole WMD thing.

Darth Hatter and his entourage arrive at a fancy hotel. His Secret Service guys want to sweep the room, but he tells them it’s not necessary, and then they see a lady sitting on a chair alone and understand. For some reason this is making me think of True Lies, but a little in reverse…

No no no no…do it…do it slow…

Anyways, he tells them mum’s the word, and they leave. The lady, of course, is Sophia. Mr P pulls a gun, but she tells him that if he strikes her down, she’ll return more powerful than he can possibly imagine. She also tells him that the human race is basically fucked, and that if he cooperates he’ll be the leader of the free world of substantially fewer humans. She tells him that she wants peace, regardless of her need to eradicate 75% of the world’s population. She spits a bunch of mumbo jumbo about he he deserves to be THE Mr P, because he’s devoted his life to ‘merica. Fuck yeah.

Back at the White House, Mr P walks into the bedroom to find his wife asleep. He’s all like “sweet I finally get to have sex tonight” but then she wakes up. Poor Mr P. Anyways, they start talking, and she tells him she remembers when they were in Belize, and how she didn’t care about seeing the sites because she’d seen them all before and he’s all like “hold the damn phone WHAT?!? YOU’D NEVER BEEN TO BELIZE BEFORE!!!” and she’s like “Oh I just meant like in pictures….” and he’s like “no you didn’t you said it like you’d been there before….”

“No, silly…how would my poor Cuban family have gotten to Belize…?”

Anyways, he tries to press it, but she goes all Reagan “I do not recall” and suggests they go to sleep.

The next day, Mr P goes to see Sen Lewis and asks for the file on his wife. She gives it to him, suppressing her shit-eating grin…

Darth Hatter walks into Weasel’s office and tells him that Mr P is leading America down the path to Fucked-in-the-ear-ville, and he wants to step in and try to negotiate a treaty with Sophia. Weasel basically calls him a fucking retard and tells him to STFU and GTFO. Hatter is like “you know, sometimes with people, what’s inside isn’t the same as what’s on the surface…we’re layered like that…” and Weasel is like “yeah, and sometimes there’s a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one. Like with pie…”

It’s true…I have a PhD in Horribleness…

The random guy that Sophia gave all of Herbert’s research to tells Sophia that he’d narrowed the search for the weapon down to a 1.8KM radius…that’s what, like 25 miles? I kid, I kid…it’s about 1 mile….so they’re close to finding it! Just then, Mr VP calls. He tells Sophia, albeit shakily, that he’ll do whatever it takes to protect his country. She tells him to do what she tells him and everything will be fine.

Back at the Community, Leila invites BBD in for a glass of wine. He badly, badly misinterprets her intentions…

OMG THIS IS GONNA BE SO AWESOME!!!!1!!!

Leila takes his coat for him, and snags the cell out of the pocket. She says she’s gotta use the bathroom, and goes upstairs and calls 911!!! Well, 911 is asking all sorts of annoying questions, like “where are you?” and “wtf are you talking about?!?” Right about this time, BBD notices that the stairs in this house (and every other fuckin house in the commune) are by the bathroom, and then notices that Leila took his phone! He runs upstairs, breaks the door down, and tries to detain her, but she fights back! That’s right, this skinny bitch that’s probably pushing 90lbs actually takes down BBD, circa 250lbs. The skirmish starts around the same time it becomes utterly unbelievable, when Leila, who is pinned down on the bed, somehow manages to flip BBD over her and off the bed. Thank goodness for P90x, amiright? She then kicks him in the face, and he gets up and tackles her, but she grabs a lamp and clobbers the fuck out of him, then runs out of the house.

Back in France, Darth Flowers is talking to Sean. He tells Sean that he can see in his eyes how Sean feels about him.

…confused?

He then goes on to tell his entire story about how he’s from a tribe of sentinels who are tasked with protecting humanity from The Others. He tells Sean the biggest threat humans face is from Sophia, but Sean doesn’t believe him, because Sophia made him tea that one time. He tells Sean that he and the other sentinels can see the larger tapestry of things to come, and that a non-sentinel is going to have to be the one to stop Sophia, and, of course, that’s Sean. Duh. What do you say to that, Sean?

The truth is, Sean thinks Flowers is a monster who is using his power and money to fund his crazy delusions, and that, as long as Sean is alive he will hunt him like the dog he is. Wait…who hunts dogs?

Flowers says he understands, but this is bigger than the two of them. He tells Sean that his associate will give him something that he’ll find helpful. Sean’s like “It’s curtains for you, Flowers…”

Lacy, gently wafting curtains…

So Darth Flowers shoots himself to free up Sean to hunt Sophia. The associate gives Sean a bag, and Sean grabs the bag, and grabs Vicky, and they run. They stop in some field, because Vicky can’t keep up with Sean and his zephyr-like running. Sean opens the bag, and there’s a scroll and some fake IDs.

Just then, Sean’s phone rings, and it’s Leila!!! She tells Sean all the info about how Sophia has gone to the dark side, and that they’re looking for a weapon in Merman and something about Katinka Ingabogovinana…na and Sean has to get there ASAP and just then MFB grabs her from behind and hangs up the phone! MFB tells her that if Sophia finds out about her making that phone call he won’t be able to help her!!

Mr P enters the bedroom and finds his wife to be wide awake. He drops the file in front of her. He tells her he couldn’t bring himself to read it, because he wants to hear it from her. She tells him that she’s wanted to tell him forever but just hasn’t had the balls. He starts getting impatient, so she tells him. She’s not actually Cuban! SHE’S DOMINICAN!!!!

GROSS!!!

She then proceeds to cry and it’s some really shoddy acting, and he can’t believe that she’s not an alien, and neither can I. Except then there’s a closeup on her and maybe the bad crying was because her poorly acted character was trying to “act” like she’s crying…because she gives this evil “omfg whew that was too close” look!!!!

So, we head to Darth Hatter, who is at the acupuncturist. Wait, what? Anyways, he’s laying naked under a sheet….

Two words: Bedroom Eyes….

Anyways, she sticks a couple of needles into him. She tells them that they’ll be quick and painless, and the problem will be eliminated…for good. Don’t look now, but I think she’s alluding to Mr P getting whacked off. Well, she probably got the “quick” part right at least…

The docs leave the room, and Hatter sends his detail out as well so he can get dressed. As he’s dressing, he notices a package in his pocket. It’s Mr P’s brand of artificial sweetener!!!

I just don’t think cancer is really going to be the most time-effective manner of dispatching Mr P…

The acupuncturist tells Sophia that Hatter has the package, and we assume she’s referring to the artificial sweetener but he WAS naked under that sheet so it’s anyone’s guess. She tells everyone else in the room that Hatter is naive enough to think he can actually save his country!!!

In Siberia, a bunch of guys in white snowsuits excavate a box. On top of that box is a dead guy! Frozen! This must have something to do with the weapon!!!

Back at the White House, Hatter arrives early to a meeting, and replaces Mr P’s artificial sweetener with the “special” artificial sweetener.

****Now on to this week’s episode!! YAY!!!

This week’s episode kicks off with a truckload of Russians pulling into a harbor in Merman. A guard approaches the truck, and the driver hands him an envelope full of cash. The guard looks in the envelope and is like “Welcome to Merman, Mr Ruble.” The truck pulls in, and a few men get out and unload a box and carry it onto a boat, and lower it into the hold. There’s a plastic room set up, and the men set the box in there. Then a man in one of those Outbreak spacesuits comes in and seals the room, and then opens the box, and it’s slow and dramatic and we’re all like “WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?” but we already know because it’s the corpse!!!

This looks…ominous…

The guy in the Outbreak suit cuts the guy’s coat off, and then grabs a scalpel and proceeds to open him up.

Back at the White House, Darth Hatter is fixing himself coffee. In case you forgot, the camera gratuitously reminds us of the importance of something…

Yeah…this…this is a big fucking deal.

Darth Hatter is trying to pour his coffee, but his hands are shaking and he’s barely able to avoid sloshing everywhere. Everyone takes their seat, and Mr P kicks off the meeting.   Weasel starts things off by telling everyone that all they could figure out about Herbie was that he was working with ice core samples. I finally got frustrated with the term “ice core” and wiki’d it. Turns out it exists, and they’re using it correctly. Hm…

The audio kind of fades in and out of audible…sometimes it’s clear, and sometimes it’ very muffled. The intent is to make every one of us clear that Darth Hatter is nervouser than fuck. It basically makes the next few minutes of conversation sound similar to Charlie Brown’s teacher…

Weasel tells them that the sediment in the water is found in Siberia, so that must be where the cores are coming from. Hatter is watching Mr P like a hawk, just waiting for him to drink the poisoned coffee…

(snicker) How’s your burger coffee?

Mr P finally takes a sip of his coffee, and things seem normal for a minute, and then he goes all Serene Branson on us. He realizes he’s speaking in tongues, and then stands up and collapses, but not sharing a meaningful look with Darth Hatter!!!

INTRO!!!

At the hospital, Mr P is being rushed in to be treated by some Ginger doctor. He comes out and tells Weasel that Mr P had a stroke, and that there’s a chance they’ll have to open up his skull to relieve the pressure.

Weasel goes into the room to talk to Mr P, who tells him that Darth Hatter is behind this, and that Weasel has to ensure that he doesn’t become the P!!!

Mrs. P shows up, and Hatter gets ahold of her and tells her that if anyone can get through this it’s Mr P, and really really milks the fuck out of his performance. His speech goes on too long, much like Adrian Brody’s Oscar speech…

Please help me I just can’t stop talking!!!

Hatter shrugs off his security detail and goes into the bathroom and pukes.

Weasel and Chief of Staff Shatmypants take a walk outside. Weasel tells Shatmypants that Mr P thinks Darth Hatter is behind this. Shatmypants thinks that’s crazy, until Weasel tells him the whole story about the Miami retreat and the airplane and MFB and thankfully he tells the whole story in order instead of skipping around…Weasel tells him that he needs to buy time.

Sophia is watching a news report about Mr P when one of the other randoms from last week walks in and makes a comment about celebration sex or something and Sophia gets mad. He tells her that one of their guys called from Merman and they have the weapon. She asks why MFB isn’t helping with whatever the preparations they’re discussing are, and he tells her that MFB isn’t answering his phone. She tells him once they’re ready, Darth Hatter will help them deploy the weapon…he just doesn’t know it yet.

Cut back to Leila calling Sean, which of course happened last week. She says the same stuff, so it’s not worth re-recapping. MFB grabs her. He seems angry, and asks who she called, so she tells him…Sean FUCKING Walker, dad, that’s who!!

No! “Fucking” is MY middle name! What have you done?!? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!?!

Just then, BBD comes running up. He recovered quickly from that lamp-to-the-skull incident, it seems. He convinces MFB that this has to go to Sophia. And then, as they’re walking towards Sophia, MFB takes advantage of one of the many black SUVs just lying around, and uses it as a canvas upon which to paint his head-smashing, ass-kicking, neck snapping work of art. What I mean is…BBD is fuckin’ dead.

MFB stands up and tells Leila to grab his legs.

On a train somewhere in Europe, Sean and Vicky are talking. Vicky isn’t really up for freezing her ass off in 10 degree weather. Oh, fuck off Vicky…I’d give anything for 10 degrees to seem cold to me again. I’ve only been out of the South for one year, and after that one Chicago winter I’ve already determined that 10 degrees doesn’t count as cold. 10 is brisk. 10 is chilly. 10 is nipply. 10 is not fucking freezing.

Anyways, Sean somehow convinces her to tag along to Siberia. And then he asks her why she agreed, and she gets mad and tells him to not try to analyze her.

It will only end in tears.

And somehow, regardless of not really typing anything, suddenly he glances at his laptop and notices that Katinka Ingabogovinana…na isn’t a person, but a ship! Docked at the Port of Merman!!!

Back aboard the Katinka Ingabogovinana…na, the guy in the Outbreak costume is narrating to no one in particular. Maybe there’s a tape recorder somewhere…or maybe the writers just wanted to fill the silence. He takes a pair of bolt cutters to the ribcage.

On deck, a Russian Jason Segel tries to extort more money from the Other in charge. The guy laughs in his face, then tells him to go to the store and buy him more smokes.

Back in the “clean room,” the guy in the Outbreak costume is now breathing really heavy and still narrating. He takes a sample of puss from the lungs and puts it in a dish…but when he sets the petri dish down, it falls, and in his haste to turn and look at it on the ground he slices through the latex glove he’s wearing!!!

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Alright. Here’s the deal. I’ve been trying very hard to not overanalyze this show, because it’s kind of pointless. I’ve trained my suspension of disbelief to withstand some pretty crazy shit. But I’m warning you now, this recap is going to include more than just this one rant regarding the WMD, which is, at this point, very clearly a disease.

First rant: It’s a deadly fucking disease. However, you’re aliens…you know whatever this disease is was effective on humans, because this guy and allegedly many others died from it. You have no way of knowing whether it will have any effect on you. More than likely, with the 1% genetic difference, it won’t, but then again, unless you want to throw someone in a sealed room with it to test, you should play it safe. Playing it safe, however, DOES NOT INCLUDE USING A PRESUMABLY SHARP SCALPEL WITH LATEX GLOVES!!!! Seriously. Something that’s as deadly as these guys are pretending this disease is…well, it’d probably be worked with in a box…one of those boxes with the gloves built into it. But if not, they’d be in a real “space suit,” with REAL gloves that wouldn’t just slice right open the second they came in contact with anything. FUCK.

Disbelief suspended, once again…

The doctor panics, and unzips the flap on the plastic room and runs out. Shit, this brings me to my second “WTF” rant.

THERE’S NO DECONTAMINATION AREA!!! He just runs out of the tent and bangs on the door. The guy on the other side of the door is like “no, man…no way I’m opening that door.” But honestly, what was the plan once this guy got what he was after? HOW WERE YOU GOING TO GET IT OUT?!? Every time you open any portal, the contaminated air from the inside will escape further out, until it’s out in the open. This is mega fail. Where in the hell would it ever be safe to take off the suit? Normally there’s a detox area where the suit is sprayed down with shit to kill whatever is on it…at least when it’s deadly as fuck like this probably is, as well as some serious air flow control so that air is only blowing back INTO the room w/ the disease…not out!

Oh, and while I’m at it…now that the doctor is panicking, we’re 100% sure that these guys have no idea if whatever this disease is will affect them…we’re more inclined to believe that it will totally fuck the Others too. However, this is the WMD to wipe out the human race? What is stopping it from wiping out the Others, too? Just wondering…

/rant off, disbelief suspended. Again.

Sorry. Anyways, the doc panics and bangs on the door and the guard says “no, dude,” but then as they’re cutting to the commercial the guard turns the handle!!! Is he going to open it?!?!

Any time someone dressed like this is panicked and banging on the door, it’s a good idea NOT to open it. When he says “I know what I’m doing, it’ll be alright,” it’s a GREAT idea not to open it.

Back at the hospital, the Ginger Doc is telling Mrs P that Mr P is not doing so well, and that if he isn’t responding soon she’ll want to start preparing for the worst. She doesn’t like this, and leaves Ginger Doc to talk to unconscious Mr P. It’s touching. Perhaps, despite her possible Otherness, she really does love him!! Aw…..!

Weasel and CoS Shatmypants pull surveillance video from the conference room. They see Darth Hatter approach the coffee bar, and stand there with his back to the camera. Weasel thinks that he spiked the coffee with a toxin.

Just then, Darth Hatter barges in and informs Shatmypants that he needs to be sworn in, as Mr P is incapacitated. Shatmypants lies and tells him that the Sec of State is not back from the Middle East yet to buy them some more time.

Darth Hatter runs back into his office and tells his secretary to hold his calls. Then his secret cell phone rings, and it’s Sophia. He tells her Mr P hasn’t died yet, and she explains that’s the way it goes…She wonders why it’s taking so long for him to get Presidentified.

Weasel and Shatmypants are watching more security footage, when they notice Darth Hatter snag the sweetener packet off the table when Mr P went down!

You sly minx…

Still, this evidence isn’t strong enough.

Sophia tells him that this is a perfect crime, because the poison will metabolize quickly…as long as he removed the sweetener packet. Duh. But then he realizes that the coffee spilled all over the carpet!!!

Weasel and Shatmypants realize the same thing, and run down to the room, only to find carpet cleaners! NOO!!!!!!

Back at the Community, MFB and Leila drag BBD into the house. MFB tells her to clean up the blood from where they dragged the body into the house, so she grabs a rag and gets to it. Of course…what about the blood OUTSIDE the house?!? Also, why is he bleeding so much? It’s not like his heart was pumping blood out of his smashed face still…but I digress.

Anyways, Leila tells MFB thanks for being on her side, and he explains that he’s not and she’d better never do this again or they’re both effed. She says sorry, but MFB doesn’t get mad…

He gets Glad…

As Leila is cleaning up the blood, Sophia shows up and bangs on the door. Leila grabs the rags and hides them, and then answers the door. Sophia barges right in. Leila notices a spot of blood on the floor and runs over to stand on it! She tells Sophia that MFB is asleep and gave instruction to not disturb him. Sophia is not taking “no” for an answer! She storms into the kitchen, and MFB is there playing Suzy Homemaker and cleaning the coffee pot!

Sophia and MFB go outside to talk, and she asks if he’s seen BBD. He’s like “nope, sorry…he’s definitely not stuffed into a couple of garbage bags in my garage…she asks MFB to track him down.

At Merman harbor, Sean and Vicky are scouting their target, the modest Katinka Ingabogovinana…na. Sean asks her again why she’s there, and she gets coy. “Why do you think?”

“Because I have 206 bones in my body, and you want every one of them?”

No, Sean just continues to act clueless. But I’m totally using that line one day. No…no I’m not. Well, maybe. It depends on how hard you’ve suspended your disbelief…

Anyways, the moment passes with Sean being clueless and Vicky holding the power of confusion. They sneak aboard a random boat, and use it’s inflatable dingy to shove on over to the Katinka…

Aboard the ship…they find it to be quite empty. Sean comes across a door to the hold, and looks inside…

Not the BEST peep show ever…

So Sean and Vicky don the Outbreak suits and go in. These guys are all dead as fuck, and it happened fast. This must be the fastest, deadliest virus ever to exist! They find the original corpse, and the lungs are removed!!! That must be what contains the disease!!! Then they hear a noise, and know they aren’t alone! They head back out of the ship, and just immediately remove their Outbreak suits like it ain’t no thang. Refer back to my previous rant.

This is what happens when you take your suit off…

They grab the guy that came on to the ship, and it’s the Russian Jason Segel, and he’s all like “I just stepped out to buy cigarettes wtf!” The guy tells them that the disease is the Spanish Flu.

Ok, yes, the Spanish Flu was one of the deadliest epidemics of all time. I’ve researched it a little, thanks to this episode. Sean says that it killed 50 million people…according to Wiki, it was between 50-100M, so I’m good with that. According to my research, it kills within a few hours of the first signs of infection, so I’m going to go ahead and say that they maybe exaggerated the speed of death considering these guys died while eating dinner…and in the time it took that one chump to buy his smokes. Regardless, fine.

However, what they’re failing to mention is that it was very widespread for it’s time due to poorer healthcare and the fact that the sick people were crammed onto trains to get them to hospitals, etc., which wouldn’t happen now. And it STILL only killed 50 million. I mean, that’s a fuckton, but I think the end goal here is somewhere in the 5-7 BILLION range…

And then there’s the whole part where apparently it might affect the Others, too…so if somehow they do manage to magnify the shit out of this disease so that it goes truly global…well, they’re fucked, too…

The guy tells Sean and Vicky that the lungs are on their way to the airport to be shipped to America!!!

Back at the White House, Weasel tells Shatmypants that thanks to the carpet cleaners they couldn’t detect any traces of the poison in the coffee that was spilled on the carpet. Shucks. Shatmypants tells him that they only way to bring down Darth Hatter is to proceed as if everything is normal so he won’t suspect anything. So they go in there and they sign Darth Hatter into the Presidency! Darth P (is for Palpatine)!!!!

Then Weasel goes home, and sits down in his chair in the dark, and cannot believe what has happened…and the image of Mr P collapsing plays in his head, and he suddenly realizes!!!

Fuck!!! This was my favorite shirt!

And then, at the hospital, Mr P starts going into seizures, and the doctors and nurses rush in!!! And scene!!!