The Ev3nt: Chrono-logical!!!

So, the strangest thing happened on The Ev3nt this week. It progressed in mostly chronological order!!!

Sean is walking across a parking lot with a grocery bag. He pauses, looks over his shoulder, and ducks into what appears to be a super shitty motel room. Did we miss something from the end of last week’s episode? How does an FBI prisoner have time to go grocery shopping?

He walks into the room, and the FBI chick is lying on the bed, and is quite bloody. He dumps out the bag, which is full of medical supplies and begins treating her wounds. Wait, is he a doctor? Or a murse? She’s bleeding a lot, she should probably get to a hospital.

Cut.

Two hours earlier, the FBI car is just learning that the road is closed, and that they’ll have to take a different route. Right as they’re halfway through their 14 point u-turn, an RV comes out of fucking nowhere and barrels into them. Holy shit, how do you not see an RV coming down the road? The cop who turned them around gets smashed between the two cars!

“This is not what I meant when I asked for a sandwich!”

Of course, since Sean is in the back seat without a seatbelt on, he’s just fine. He manages to shimmy out the rear windshield of the car, then looks up to see the driver of the RV was also not wearing his seatbelt.

-Seriously, guys. Would it kill you to wear a seatbelt? …bad choice of words…

Sean, who’s still handcuffed, manages to somehow get into the coat pocket of the driver, get the keys to the handcuffs, and take them off. Houdini would’ve been proud. So much for those Chevy commercials trying to sell you on On*star like it’s the greatest thing in the world because it makes a simple phone call for you if you’re in a wreck…which you’d apparently be unable to do if you were in a wreck, because you’d be too discombobulated. Not only could Sean make the phone call himself, he could use that phone call to order pizza to the exact location of the wreck, and get it there ahead of the ambulance.

Turns out the black FBI agent was killed in the wreck, which yet again should teach young African Americans to stay out of any line of work with any potential danger, because they will be killed off unapologetically at the first opportunity.

Sean runs around the car and the chick FBI agent is down, but not out. He drags her from the car and sets her off to the side. She starts to run back to check on her partner, but she should know he’s dead, because he’s black. Sean braves getting to the cop car, because the other car right next to it is burning. He tosses the chick in the passenger side, then climbs in the back and over the seat into the driver’s seat! I thought that cop cars didn’t really let you do that?!? As he speeds away, the car explodes!!!!

ACTION SHOT!!!!!!!!!!

Cut.

Back in the present, the chick FBI agent wakes up in the motel room. She tries to convince Sean to uncuff her from the bed and turn himself in, which clearly he can’t do. Sean tries to use the agent’s netbook to access the federal database to figure out who Vickie really is, but apparently they can’t connect remotely. Sean wisely decides to take a shower, and leaves the agent’s purse just close enough that she can reach it. What a maroon. The agent gets her purse, calls the FBI and tells them where she’s being held. Sean hears this from the bathroom!

INTRO!!!!

In Washington DC, the VP reappears as if from nowhere, and goes to talk to Weasel. The VP basically states that only a few people knew about the press conference that the Pres was going to be holding, and that was clearly the motive behind the assassination. He then asks Weasel, who is heading up the investigation into the assassination, who’s investigating the investigators. Way to ask the hard questions, VP.

Out in Arizona, the President and Weasel are at the plane crash site, with all the dead people. Weasel is telling him about the plans to move the entire crash site to Brazil, and the P gets cold feet. He seems to be a bit too good of a guy to be the P. He doesn’t understand the whole “protect the public from the truth” thing.

“I should’ve invested in some Transitions lenses…these clip on sunglasses do nothing to make your n00bness any less glaring…”

Weasel tries to talk the P into signing off on torturing Sophia, but he won’t hear any of it. He heads back to talk to Sophia, and shows her the pictures of all the dead people. She responds with “this wasn’t supposed to happen,” and goes mute again. Since she won’t help, the P makes an offer to everyone in Inostranka – whoever comes out and helps them find the people responsible for slaughtering the plane will be set free. Sophia puts on a brave face, but looks nervous…

Apparently it doesn’t take long for someone to come forward.

Back in Arizona, the FBI assault team converges on the motel that Sean is holding the chick agent captive in. The apparently know exactly what room the two of them are in, because instead of knocking or anything they just bust the door off the frame. They run into the bathroom to look for Sean, but apparently he left through the window.

Well, at least they rescued the chick agent. She relates the story to her coworker.

In the parking garage, the trunk of a car opens. It’s Sean!!! The FBI dude apparently didn’t lock his car before raiding the motel room!!! Amazing! He walks across the parking garage, and just opens the door into the FBI office!!! Wait, there’s no keypad? No card scanner? No anal probe?!? Just a doorknob to separate the FBI office from the riffraff of society?!?

I mean, there’s not even a deadbolt…

Back inside, the chick agent sees fellow agents watching TV, which just so happens to be relating the story of the airplane crash that’s in the process of being staged by the government. Chick Agent hears the flight number, and starts to wonder if maybe Sean was telling the truth!!!

Sean manages to find the server room without accidentally stumbling into any FBI personnel. I mean, a wormhole opens up to save the President and surrounding others from death by 747, and I find that more believable than this shit right here.

Vickie is driving a rape van with Leila in the back. She’s grunting and sweaty and writhing and we’re all a little disturbed that watching this is at least somewhat hot.

We, are writhing! WE, WE, ARE WRITHING!!!

A cop pulls her over for having a busted taillight. She hands him her license and apologizes and says she’ll deal with it first thing in the morning. The cop, who’s apparently hoping to turn this traffic violation into a Letter to Penthouse, won’t just write her a ticket…he wants to take a look in the back of the van…his probable cause is his “gut sense is that someone like [her] shouldn’t be somewhere like here right now.” This is actually not probable cause.

Vickie tries to bribe him with cash, and since he realizes he’s not getting his Penthouse story, he asks her to step out of the van. She reaches into something and pulls out a gun and empties the clip into the guy’s chest! Now, this is just me thinking, but if, as a cop, you ask someone to step out of the van because you think they have something illegal (such as a sexy once-cheerleader tied up) in the back, shouldn’t you maybe be ready for them to do something like pull a gun?

She’s got 99 problems, bein’ a bitch ain’t one!

Vickie tosses dead cop’s body into the back of the rape van and takes off.

Chick agent goes to look for her computer, which is gone because Sean has it. When she can’t find it, she makes the leap that he’s in the building. Well, considering this is literally the anti-Fort Knox, that’s the no-shitter of the day. They run down to the server room and find Sean sitting on the floor. He’s JUST finished the search, which turns up 7 different IDs for Vickie!

In a hotel room, the Other who has agreed to tell us everything is relaxing in a luxury sweet. Before he’s willing to talk, he tells Weasel to get him water. He’s really milking this whole situation. This guy really has an Enrique Iglesias look about him. Maybe it’s the unnecessary beanie?

I can be joor hero, baby!

Weasel asks him who murdered everyone, and where they are. Enrique tells him that there’s way more to know than that, and he’ll spill ALL of the beans if they let his gf go, too.

We get a brief flashback. Maya, Enrique’s gf, stays behind with the wreckage because he couldn’t escape and Sophia made him stay.

Weasel steps out to confirm that he’s got the authority to make this deal, and the P confirms.

Simon sneaks in to talk to Sophia. She tells him that he’ll have to deal with Enrique…harshly…

The CIA has apparently recovered the black box from the airplane, and can tell that someone named Sean is talking to the pilot. Amazingly, out of 200 people on the plane’s manifest, none are named Sean, so they know something fishy is going on. It turns out that the “bag” that Sean stuffed into the trash was actually a maintenance uniform, and he’d actually snuck aboard the plane!

Turns out that Sean is super-smart, and got a free ride to MIT after playfully hacking into the pentagon. I guess this explains his medical knowledge, and the fact that he always seems to know exactly where he’s going. But I bet when he’s buying a car, he’s just as nervous as the rest of us…

Since Sean is the only one alive from the plane, he may have info on the assassination attempt!!

Back in the FBI office, we learn that Vickie is probably working for the blah blah blah, and has a license to blah. I guess that fits with the whole government conspiracy thing…

A couple guys come in with transfer papers for Sean. This feels a little…fishy…to our FBI heroin, and so she tries to follow up by calling the office that requested the transfer. The super-secret folks kill the call, and shit goes SOUTH.

Ain’t nothin’ sweet ‘bout how he holds his gun!

I mean, these guys just go nuts. The main secret dude starts by shooting the chick agent’s wannabe sex-slave (ok seriously, do any of you remember the guy in Zoolander who was Matilda’s coworker and was always hanging around and brought her the cantaloupe half filled with cottage cheese?!? That’s totally this guy), then the other guy pulls out an SMG and just starts unloading. Everyone is down in a matter of moments except chick agent and Sean!!! This does not look good…

Back to Leila in the van…well, she’s unloaded into a shipping container. Vickie starts talking to her, and Leila suddenly toughens up.

“Sean will come for me!!” Oh, honey…not if he sees you in this light…

Vickie breaks the classic hostage-holding rule and gets too close. Everyone knows these things, even those of us who don’t have the balls to kidnap hot chicks. She then makes the brilliant mistake of unbinding Leila’s hands. Like a cat, Leila lashes out and gashes Vickie’s neck! But sadly/thankfully does not get the jugular. Vickie chokeslams the shit out of her, and yet again the girlfight is avoided. TEASE.

Back at the FBI office, the 2nd super-secret guy makes the fatal mistake of looking down the sight of his fully automatic SMG to shoot a guy curled up in the fetal position 6 feet away, and as a result he takes a bullet in the back before he can pull the trigger. He deserves it if he can’t fire from the hip in this situation…

“My only regret…is never finding a cure for bone-itis”

There’s some more sneaking and strafing and chick agent gets the drop on super-secret #1! But then she freezes…and Sean saves the day, Smokey the Bear style!!

Only you can prevent forest fires…and government conspiracies!

In true television fashion, they don’t even tie the unconscious man up…they just steal his car! And he wakes up what must be 30 seconds later, because he’s able to get out to the garage in time to fire shots into the rear window of his own Navigator! Man, Allstate will not believe this!

Enrique’s girlfriend show’s up at the hotel, and they share a touching moment by the window, looking out over DC. He talks about how he’s dreamed of this moment, and how it’s better than he ever dreamed, and she pulls out a shiv and stabs the fuck out of him!!! Enrique, it’s just like your Hero video!!!

…joo can take my breath away….

Back in the shipping container, Leila hears a dog outside and starts banging on the walls, when Vickie walks in and puts a gun to her head! But then Vickie’s cell rings, and it’s super-secret #1, telling her that Sean got away! So Vickie can’t kill Leila yet! Instead, she punches the shit out of her! And yet another non-girlfight.

Some random uniform is pacing around a room full of all the dead bodies form the plane, when he hears someone gasping. It’s a little girl. She’s back alive!!! Other passengers start breathing…and sitting…and standing!!! THE LOW BRASS AND TIMPANIS ARE GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

So it looks like everyone who was dead is no longer dead, at least from the plane crash. Sean has managed to enlist the help of chick agent, which is cool for now, and Vickie and Leila still refuse to start actually pulling hair and wrestling in a blow-up pool full of Jell-O. But I’m convinced it may still happen.