The Ev3nt: Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish…

Well, here we are. The final episode of The Ev3nt, ever (at least on NBC). If you were hoping they’d be humane and wrap everything up in a neat little bow and make it a series finale as well then you, like me, will be disappointed.

The episode kicks off right where we left off, with Shleila all but reunited, save for a protective layer of plastic between them. Leila has slipped back into pessimist mode, and Sean is back to trying to cheer her up. She basically tells him to go save the world and find her little sister. Oh, right…who else almost completely forgot about Samantha? Well, they decided, I guess, that they needed to bring her name back into the show. Anyways, Leila closes her eyes and Sean’s like “No Leila stay with me, you can’t die!!” and she goes all Eeyore on him…

No one’ll notice anyways….

Just then some special doctors show up to take care of her. They tell Sean they’re going to take care of her, but they have to transport her away from there, and that he has to leave now or he’ll get infected.

Weasel has managed to figure out the plaguebringing game plan, by using their “virus takes over the world in a red wave” computer model backwards. It’s originating at one food distribution center, the bureau of printing and engraving, and Dulles airport’s international terminal. No one seems to realize how pointless just spraying an aerosolized virus onto food and money is…this stuff doesn’t have that long of a shelf life…but I’ve already gone into that once.

No, instead of chuckling that Sophia & crew don’t realize a virus needs a host to survive, Simon is impressed with the thoroughness of the plan. Regardless of the food and money, the airport is still kinda a BFD. Weasel finds a 3D rendering of the distribution canisters on the laptop, too, and shows everyone what they’re up against.

Sophia and Carlos are driving down the road. Carlos is texting and driving, which, of course, just makes me think of all those signs that try to be hip enough for young people to pay attention “10 n 2 RU?” and “Dnt txt n drv” and the like. These are signs that our society is doomed with or without the help of Sophia and the resurrected Spanish Flu.

Anyways, Carlos gets a text informing him that teams 1 and 2 are in position, and Sophia’s like “great, pull over here.” Carlos is confused, but she tells him it’ll be safer if they’re stopped. They get out of the car and Carlos is like “srsly, wtf” and Sophia is watching her…erm….watch, and then everything starts shaking!

And a street lamp filled with fireworks falls over and almost hits a biker!!

Carlos asks her how she knew that would happen, and she spits a bunch of technical mumbo jumbo from the portal guy. Carlos reassures her that they’re doing the right thing, and she says she can’t second guess herself now, they just have to get it done.

At the White House, the news tells us that these little earthquakes have been happening around the world, and that they’re baffling scientists because they aren’t originating from any known faults.

Shatmypants runs into the room with MrP with a cell phone and tells Mr P it’s Weasel. Weasel tells him Sophia’s plan, and that they need Mr Ps help to contain this. Mr P reminds him that he’s no officially the P right now, and can’t actually issue these orders. However, Shatmypants can dispatch contained operations to the food distribution center and the bureau of printing/engraving. They just won’t be able to do anything about Dulles.

Weasel returns to the crew and tells them that Mr P is handing everything but the airport…so it’s up to them to save the world.

Mr P confronts Darth P in the hallway. He tells Darth P that right now he doesn’t even care about the upcoming vote in the cabinet regarding his reinstatement, he just wants to save the world. He begs Darth P to shut down Dulles, and Darth P tells him no. Darth P thinks Mr P is simply trying to play him. Mr P switches tactics, and threatens that if Darth P doesn’t do this, Mr P will expose him to the cabinet. Darth P tells him that he’s already exposed himself to the cabinet, and that if Mr P is actually referring to the two attempted homicides, well, no one will believe him.

I NEED TO BE BACK IN THE PRESIDENT’S OFFICE!!! NO ONE BRINGS ME BEER AND WAFFLES OUT IN THE HALL!! NO OOOOOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!

Darth P confidently strolls away, but when he gets into his office, he calls Sophia and asks her if she’s planning on breaking her promise about preserving American’s lives. She’s like “uh, NO…that’s what it’s called a promise!!! Why, are you planning on breaking a promise to me?!?” and Darth P gets all flustered and believes her. She tells him to just “hold on for one more day,” which just makes me think of Wilson Phillips, and by extension Harold and Kumar, and now I’m laughing and singing.

When she hangs up the phone, she tells Carlos that they’re humped, and that someone somehow knows their plan.

At an airport hangar, they deliver the canisters to some guy in a TSA uniform. He tells them he’ll get them by security, and hands Sophia and Carlos a badge that’ll get them into a security area, where they can get the canisters back from him. Sophia tells them that they can’t wait until 530 anymore, because someone knows their plan.

Back at the White House, Mr P and Chief of Staff Shatmypants come out of a back room. Mr P apparently cleaned up and shaved…so it’s a little odd to me that Shatmypants was with him. But whatever.

Really? Purple silk pajamas? Is that really necessary???

Shatmypants tells Mr P that Weasel and Simon and Sean and Vicky are going to try to stop the virus at the airport, since the government can’t seem to take care of it, “but even they don’t believe the chance of success is very high.” That seems like a dumb line…I mean, why, oh why, would 4 people with no credentials think their chances of thwarting a terror plot at an airport to be slim??

Mrs P gives Mr P some pills. She tells him he can’t do this to himself, because the doc said that if he doesn’t rest, he might die. Mr P is like “if I rest, we all die, you stupid cow.”

At the food distribution plant, a couple of Others are working to set up the canisters for optimal plaguebringing when an assault squad shows up. There’s brief yelling to “freeze” and stuff, and then shots are fired. The two Others don’t fare so well…

Eat your vegetables, they said…it’ll keep you healthy, they said…fat lot of good that did me…

At the Bureau of Printing and Engraving, another assault squad shows up. This time, they don’t ask the perps to “freeze,” they just shoot one in the chest. The other, sensing danger, pulls his gun and shoots back, then runs off.

At the airport, Sean and Vicky run off for the international terminal to look for Sophia, and Weasel and Simon try to track down the canisters.

The Other that’s helping Sophia and Carlos smuggle their canisters past security has both canisters stashed under a cart of what appears to be confiscated items. As he approaches the door, another TSA guy starts perusing the loot, and finds something he likes…furry handcuffs. He decides to take them for himself…

Tell me this doesn’t look like a man who’s planning to kill a hooker later that day…

As Sophia and Carlos head through security, Sophia gets pulled aside for a random screening. As the nice TSA lady is passing the R2D2 stick over her body to make sure she’s not carrying anything illegal, her phone rings. The lady finishes up her screening, and Sophia grabs the phone. It’s the guy from the Bureau of Printing and Engraving. That’s a long name for a location…I’m glad this is the last time I’ll have to type it.

Anyways, he tells her they got attacked, and that the guys at the food place are unreachable as well, and that now it’s up to her. Just then, the dude gets shot.

Back at the White House, Shatmypants tells Mr P that the first 2 sets of canisters have been secured, and that all that’s left is the airport. They round a corner, and suddenly, applause!

Who ARE you people?!?

Mr P walks by the people, and suddenly gets dizzy and collapses. Well, that’s probably not going to help him get back into power…

Weasel and Simon walk up to fuzzy handcuffs and ask if someone with TSA credentials recently passed through the door he’s guarding. He asks for ID, so Weasel puts a gun in his stomach and asks the question again. The dude tells them about his friend with the goodie cart.

Sophia and Carlos use the keycard to get into the secret area.

Weasel and Simon presumably forced their way in, and as for what they did with the TSA guy who would likely be screaming for security to hunt down the guys who brought guns into the fucking airport, well…who knows?

Simon and Weasel find the Other, and a firefight ensues. Simon tries to be the hero, and tries to flank the guy, who shoots him in the shin! Then, when Simon stands up,

SOMTHIN’ BIT MEEE!!!!!

Simon goes down in a heap, and The Other grabs the canisters and jumps in an elevator and gets away before Weasel can get to him. Weasel runs back over to Simon, who was wearing a kevlar vest, and thus is ok, except his leg, which was not wearing a vest.

Weasel calls Sean and tells him that the guy got away, and that he got on an elevator that should be nearby. Sean and Vicky just have to find a way to get back into the “authorized personnel only” side of the airport.

I do appreciate the fact that the gunfight thus far has not attracted any attention. Have any of you ever fired a gun? They’re LOUD AS FUCK. Like CAPSLOCK loud.

Vicky notices a guy opening the authorized only doors, and so she tackles him right through the now open door and smashes him into a wall. He goes down in a heap. Vicky grabs his gun and they run down the hallway.

Sophia and Carlos meet with the other Other, and he gives them the canisters. He tells them that Simon and Weasel are behind him, and that he shot one of them. Just then Sean and Vicky show up, and another firefight ensues. TSA Other takes a couple in the chest, and Carlos fortifies his position with rolling metal cabinets, and tells Sophia to run. Vicky tells Sean to go after her, so he does, while she stays to take care of Carlos…

“Savor?” Seriously, what’s the deeeeeaaaaalllll with airline food?

Vicky gets a lucky shot, and Carlos knows he’s humped, so he crawls over to his canister and starts to open it! Vicky is trying, but can’t get to him in time, but just then someone shoots him in the back! It’s Weasel! Nice timing, huh? They run off after Sophia…

Remember that thing about gunshots being LOUD AS FUCK? These must be the world’s two most dedicated janitors of all time, or the deafest.

Back at the White House, the cabinet is gathered, but Mr P is not there, probably because of the fainting spell. Darth P tells the speaker that they need to wrap this up quickly. She stands up to announce that the meeting is over, but just then, Mr P walks in.

Cut back to the airport, where Sean is doing what he does best.

“Sean Walker,” my ass. It should be “Sean Runner.”

Sean bursts out a door, and he’s back in the public part of the airport, and starts looking around for Sophia.

Darth P gives a massively sycophantic intro to his “Mr P can’t come back yet” speach, but gets down to business faster than a tuxedo t-shirt. He hands out Mr P’s current medical records (wait, wtf? Didn’t they make a fuss about the doctor-patient confidentiality thing LAST EPISODE?!?). These records indicate that he’s clearly not ready to return to the presidency.

Mr P’s all like “OH HELL NO,” and stands up and tells everyone that he needs to be reinstated to prevent the biggest tragedy in human history. He tells them that they’re on the brink of this tragedy thanks almost entirely to Darth P, and that Darth P is the reason he was in the hospital. This leads to whispering and grumblings. Shatmypants gets up and yells for everyone to STFU, and Mr P and Darth P continue their back and forth of “Darth P is working with Sophia and tried to kill me” “No I didn’t, he’s lying!!!” until Mr P produces a recorder.

Or, in the vernacular…Bitch, PLEASE!

Darth P stammers that it’s a setup, and Mr P tells the Speaker that they need to vote. After the commercial break, Mr P and Shatmypants walk out of the room, and it’s pretty apparent that Mr P is the real Mr P again, because he tells orders that Dulles be shut down. He tells Shatmypants to get Weasel reinstated. Shatmypants asks what to do about Darth Hatter (who’s clearly no longer the P), and Mr P asks “who?” Seriously, don’t fuck with a man’s beer and waffles.

Back at the airport, Sean finally sees Sophia, and starts booking it after her. Sophia is running through the crowded airport like a New Yorker, and Sean is having a hard time gaining ground on her. She runs into a lounge and locks the doors!!! You’d think they’d make it a little bit harder to just lock people out of a room in an airport, wouldn’t you? But never fear, the doors are made of glass…which for some reason Sean can’t break…what the WHAT?

Vicky spots Sean, and right before she runs to join him she notices all the flights are being canceled!

Outside, an assault squad and biohazard team run in. Sean keeps banging on the glass doors trying to get Sophia to stop what she’s doing. Vicky runs up and tells Sean that everything is under control, that the flights have been canceled, that the rest of the virus was contained, etc. Sean stoops down and tries to talk Sophia into not loosing the virus on the airport.

…it looks like glass…it feels like glass…it even TASTES like glass…so WHY HASN’T ANYONE PULLED OUT A GUN AND SHOT IT?!?

Sean tries to convince her that the innocent people in the airport don’t deserve to die. She asks him if her son deserved to die. Well, yes, he did. He was trying to do what she’s now doing…and the attempted murder of 7 billion people definitely earns a death sentence in my book. Anyways, he keeps talking. For a long fucking time. The assault team is waiting outside the door, but still no one busts through the glass to just stop her. Sean’s words work, and she shuts off the device and walks out of the room.

Back with Leila, the doctor tells her that Sean saved the day. She also tells her they found something else in the labs…

Outside the airport, Simon tells Sean this isn’t over yet. That Sophia is still bringing the 2 billion others to Earth. He tells Sean that the Others were there first, but left. They hold to some belief that if they stay on Earth, something will happen. Something they call The Ev3nt! That their people will evolve, and in the process of that evolution, humanity will be wiped out. That’s all Simon will tell him, but he also mentions that all the answers are in the scroll that Flowers gave him.

Back at the White House, Mr P asks Simon where the portal is. He doesn’t know. He asks where the 2.5 billion people will be landing? Simon doesn’t know. Simon only knows that the portal was somewhere in Asia. Shatmypants noticed that Darth Hatter relocated a satellite over Tibet, so they run and get the satellite back into place and…

PORTAL!!

At Leila’s hospital, Sean gets called in to see her. Vicky stops him, and says thanks for all the fish, etc., and then hugs him. And not some bro-hug, but if there’s a such thing as an “I want you hug,” it was one of them. But clearly there will be no Sean & Vicky…if only…

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas…

Sean runs in to see Leila, and again tells her that everything will be ok. She tells him the secret that the doctor told her! She’s pregnant!! There’s a baby Shleila on the way! They have a touching moment…

At the White House, Sophia is paraded in to see Mr P. Sophia tells him it’s too late to stop the Portal. He tells her that it’s over…that she lost. She tells him that the virus would’ve been the more humane way for the human population to end. That the virus was an act of mercy. Just then everything everywhere starts shaking, and everyone everywhere runs outside.

Mrs P and the kid are outside looking at the sky when everything finally settles down, and there’s a new planet there! The kid asks what it is…

“Home!”

I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I FUCKING KNEW IT YOU CRAZY BITCH YOU’VE BEEN AN ALIEN THE WHOLE TIME!!! I CALLED THIS IN THE FIFTH EPISODE AND YES I AM PATTING MYSELF ON THE BACK BECAUSE I’M NEVER RIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING AND I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THIS!!! Sorry…

Everyone else is looking at the sky, questioningly, wondering what the hell that is, and all I can tell you is…

That’s no moon.