The Ev3nt: Mooooley moley moley….

This week on The Ev3nt, we learned another neat little trick the Others can pull…they can turn about 8 minutes of TV into an hour-long episode!!! WOW!!! Other than that, we learned why Weasel is such an insufferable dickhead.

The episode starts where we left off 2 weeks ago…the building is collapsing thanks to a building-sized wormhole opening just below it, Simon isn’t making it out alive, and Sophia & Stevie B are escaping via said wormhole. Of course, even though they can teleport across the damn country, they teleport into a building like 2 blocks away. And, since nothing says sneaky like escaping via air duct…

Sneak away….

Sophia and Stevie have a little lovers spat in the alley, while some guy stands around awkwardly waiting for them to finish so he can tell Sophia that it’s good to see her. The guy, who’s name is apparently Aaron, asks about Simon, and Sophia tells him to find out where he is. Well, we saw a fucking building fall on him, so we expect he’s in the ground somewhere…but where would the show be without Simon?

Mr P asks how many of their men were in the building, and is clearly displeased when Weasel tells him that they think there were somewhere between 15 and 30 still inside. That’s a lotta paperwork…He asks how it’s possible that the Others were seemingly a step ahead of them, and Weasel meagerly tells him that there’s a mole on the field team.

Boy, Mr P does NOT like that news. He asks Weasel how he’s supposed to trust his judgement after that gaff, and Weasel doesn’t have an answer.

Cut.

14 years earlier, Weasel is talking with some lady who appears to be living with him while he pours wine and prepares dinner. This is a very different side of Weasel. He’s not being a slimy dickhead, but rather a nice, caring guy. What could’ve happened between then and now? The other weird thing I’m noticing is that the show is totally pulling a Clark Kent with this one. To make Weasel look 14 years younger they just removed his glasses and photoshopped his hair light brown.

Ya know, this age reduction thing is so bad that I’m wondering if Weasel is actually an Other…?

Anyways, his dad calls and tells him they need to talk, that it’s important, and that it will happen the next morning, regardless of any prior obligations Weasel thinks he may have…

Cut.

Back in the present, Weasel shows up at the hospital to learn that Simon is still unconscious, and decides to sit in the chair by his bed and wait for him to wake up.

Somehow the fact that a building fell on the guy and all he suffered was a head injury doesn’t clue Weasel in that Simon is the Other…

I mean, seriously guys. A fucking building fell on him, and he’s suffering only from subdural hematoma. Basically that means that he’s got a bruise inside his skull. Yes, a serious injury to be sure…but A BUILDING FELL ON HIM. How are his bones not crushed? This just makes me think of Angry Birds, and how a building can collapse on top of one of the stupid little green piggies and yet they don’t die because a flimsy piece of wood shielded them from all of it. Simon Lee is that little green fucking piggy.

Back near the coffee shop, a valet attendant hears banging and screaming coming from the trunk of a car, and it’s our good buddy Dickface! Though, to be honest, he kind of looks like a fat Neil Patrick Harris, too. But Dickface wins…

This guy smashed me in the face and stuffed me in the trunk of my own car!!! It was legen…wait for it…what kind of cow do you get milk from?…dairy!

Dickface climbs out of the trunk of the car and tells the people who rescued him that Simon is the mole.

Back at Leila’s parents’ house, Leila is having a hard time accepting that Aliens were responsible for the shit that’s gone down. The crazy reporter lady is all like “yes, it’s bc your dad knew too much, and bt-dub they’re not called ‘aliens,’ they’re called “Extra-Terrestrial Biological Entities, or EB’s.” Wait, did she say EB’s or EBE’s? It sounds more like EB’s, which is a horrible abbreviation for Extra-Terrestrial Biological Entities, which is also a horrible name for “Aliens.”

Seriously, this is what political correctness has come to?

The reporter tells Leila and Sean that someone out there was using MFB to pilot the plane into the president to kill two birds with one stone – a civilian who knew too much and a president that wanted to go public. There’s more shitty dialogue between Sean and Leila – I’m not sure if it’s the writing (it feels like it) or if these two just have really terrible chemistry, but good lord it’s getting painful.

In looking through MFB’s file, the reporter finds something that she thinks may be a code, and Sean the computer whiz tells her he can crack if if he can get his hands on the correct hardware. She says she thinks she knows a guy who can help.

We jump over to some old dude with flowers that are apparently special because they’ve been genetically engineered to bloom way more frequently than they otherwise would. Cool, I guess. Some young Shia LaBouf looking kid comes in and tells him he has a phone call. What would you know? It’s Vicky’s partner! So the old dude asks what’s going on with Sean and Leila, and he’s all like “they escaped, and they may have  learned that her father was chosen to fly the plane for a reason.” I like that…”may have learned,” instead of what he should’ve said…

“I kinda maybe sorta accidentally let it slip that there was a reason MFB was chosen to fly the plane.”

Ok, so it’s also (re?)revealed that Leila’s parents’ house is in Atlanta, which is a LONG FUCKING WAY FROM TEXAS, so how the fuck did they drive there so quickly? Did you see a wormhole? Because I fucking didn’t…geez. Travel from Texas to Atlanta over the course of a damn commercial break…that’d sure make my 11 hour drive home for the holidays less painful.

Anyways, the old guy points out that it’s kind of important that they don’t find out what MFB was into, or there could be trouble…I often find it funny how the old villains in TV series are perfectly good with modern technology, like cell phones. I mean, I recognize that cell phones aren’t all that modern, but sometimes I’m not sure my grandmother even knows how to operate a dishwasher…

So back to Stevie B, and he’s showing Sophia his pad. She comments that he’s done well for himself – he tells her that they have special maths that can predict the stock market, so he hasn’t really had to do any work to earn it. Sophia tells him they need to talk, and he mouths off to her and she’s all like…

What did the five fingers say to the face? I forget the rest, but your mother’s a whore!!

Yeah, so Stevie tries to put up a whimper of a fight, but Sophia reminds him that he’s her bitch forever and always, and he says “I’m sorry, Mother.” Wait, what? So, is “Mother” the same as “Leader”? Like is Sophia the Queen Bee of the mean girls? Or is she Stevie’s mother? TWIST!

Back at the hospital, Dickface has told Weasel that Simon is the mole! Simon’s buddy is there, too, and totally has Simon’s back, but Weasel is all “thou doth protest too much,” and sends him off to look for some raging clues back at the coffee shop with the other Hardly Bros.

Cut.

Fourteen years earlier, again. Weasel walks into his Daddy’s office, and his dad makes some smalltalk prior to dropping a bomb of epic proportions on his poor kid. Turns out that his lovely wife/gf/fuckbuddy/whatever is actually a Russian spy!!! Now we know why he’s such a raging dick!!!

Well, it’s like Svetlana used to say – in Soviet Russia, dicks eat you!!

Dad tells Weasel that he needs to be the one to arrest her if he wants to salvage his career, and orders him to do so that night.

Cut.

Back in the present, Weasel is looking over Simon’s file. Simon conveniently has literally 0 history, as all schools he’s claimed to have attended were destroyed by natural disasters, and he has no living family. I’m not sure how none of this sent up any flags 10 years prior when he was hired, but…Also, what about college? I mean, I’m pretty sure you don’t just walk up and ask for a job with the FBI with no degree…

Back to Sean and Leila, and the crazy reporter, of course. She’s ringing the buzzer at some building, and FINALLY after what seems like an eternity, he answers and tells them to go away. He doesn’t wanna help anyone, because it’s too dangerous. Then Leila’s like “I don’t know who you are, but you’re our only hope.”

Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi!

Somehow her little speech softens this paranoid basement dweller just enough to let the in, and he tells Leila that his sources have informed him that her dad is with the government, but her sister is most likely dead.

Some henchman calls the old dude with the flowers to tell him that they weren’t able to find Sean and Leila at her parents’ house, but he was able to figure out where they’re headed, and they’re on the way over.

There’s another painful scene with Sean and Leila, and I’m starting to wonder why I’m still watching this show. Sadly, at this point it’s mostly because I’m writing about it! Seriously, if the problem is Leila, how hard can it be to find another skinny blonde chick in Hollywood to just replace her? They all look the same! Pull a Wesley-Snipes-Turned-Omar-Epps as Willie Mays Hays…no one will notice, or at least care, if it rids us of the awkwardness!!!

So, in Atlanta, GA, a couple small time crooks orchestrate what is probably the most obvious handoff in the history of shady business, and some lady basically ends up with the keys to a van that’s parked at a gas station. Apparently they’ve never been to this part of Atlanta before, but the sneakery was not really necessary…from the looks of the fake scenery they’re supposed to be in one of the less pleasant parts…near MLK BLVD, perhaps…and I’m sure there are at least 7 stabbings occurring within 20 yards of this gas station. There’s a reason Atlanta has one of the best gunshot and stab wound treatment hospitals in the country…

This clearly looks like the kind of place where good deeds are performed regularly…

Anyways, we learn that in the back seat of the van is none other than Leila’s little sister!!!!

Back with Sean, the hacker dude comes in and lets him and Leila know that the names on the list that they were looking into are all girls who were reported missing recently…and are all about the same age as Leila’s sister!

Just then the van of henchmen pulls up and the crazy chick reporter is all like “Uh guys we need to GTFO. Hacker dude is all like “I knew I shouldn’t have let you in!” but then shows them a secret back door anyways! The back door leads out on to a roof, though, and we’re wondering how they’re going to complete the escape when…

Boom. Hopefully that explosion will knock the cobwebs off her acting ability…

Sean and Leila get up and look around and the crazy reporter and the hacker dude are just gone! Vanished! David Blane would be impressed! Also, wtf. Did he just blow up the a building? Because holy shit, I’m sure there were other people living in there. Were….maybe Sean and Leila should just go ahead and die before more people get hurt…

Back at the hospital, Stevie B Sneaks into the lab and replaces Simon’s real blood with fake blood samples. I guess he miraculously was able to figure out whose blood it was that Simon used to pass the blood test the FBI gave him when he first joined? Because this is the FBI, not a lab performing drug screenings for your summer job at Home Depot. Guess we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

He does what every great sneak does, and walks right out the front door after his heist is pulled. Well…after sharing an elevator with Weasel. Weasel tries to bum a cig from him, but Stevie quit years ago, but advises him to try dark chocolate instead. We assume he’s talking about actual chocolate, but he doesn’t specify. They part on friendly terms, and we watch Weasel’s face the whole time he’s walking away, and we’re waiting for a Usual Suspects moment where he suddenly realizes that the guy he was just talking to is Kaiser fucking Soze.

Cut.

Fourteen years earlier, Weasel returns home to find his lady friend sitting at the couch. He tells her that he knows who she is, but that he still loves her and wonders if she actually still loves him. He then tells her that he’s bought plane tickets out of the country and is ready to fly far, far away. She’s all like “yeah that sounds great, let me go pack” and then runs out the front door, gets in her car, and…

Headshot…

Dad makes him take the gun, and tells him to take responsibility for icing the bitch. Weasel doesn’t take it well.

Cut.

Back in the present, Simon’s buddy FBI agent calls Weasel to tell him they found the vessel that was used to transport the isotope, and that it has a couple fingerprints on it which will hopefully be enough to ID the mole…

Back to Sean and Leila, and Sean is doing what he does best….

Wind, personified.

Leila has a bit of a breakdown again. Lord, it’s awful. Someone put a red shirt on her and shoot her already. I’m beginning to realize it’s not just her, but Sean as well is pretty terrible. And mostly, more than anything, it’s terrible writing and directing.
Anyways, Leila doesn’t like the idea of being on the run all the time, and we’re all like “Bitch Sean told you to go with the FBI chick while he took care of this shit, but you didn’t listen. Why didn’t you listen?!?!?”

Back in the hospital again, and Weasel is waiting in the chair in Simon’s room, and Simon starts to stir!!! He tells Simon that they took blood from him to check his DNA.

Ok, wait…hold on, something just occurred to me. Remember when Simon was getting his blood drawn for the FBI and the chick couldn’t find a vein? Maybe it’s because he had a fake vein in there, I don’t know, but it seems funny that they could just draw blood out of him this time and not notice anything amiss…

ANYWAYS, Weasel tells him they took his blood and ran a DNA screen to see if he’s an Other or not, and Congrats to Simon bc he’s human!! He then proceeds to tell Simon that they also found some prints…and that the mole is Murphy…wait, who? Oh! Dickface! Dickface is being framed as the mole. Simon seems to feel a little bad, what after clubbing the poor bastard with a metal briefcase and stuffing him in a trunk last episode, this episode he learns that Dickface is being framed.

They go through and show us how the Others were able to get Dickface’s prints on the vial, which is all very clever and not all that likely to work smoothly, but whatever. Simon still has his job at the FBI for now.

And poor mr Dickface is having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

Stevie B briefs Sophia on the Simon situation, and she asks him how close they are to being able to leave this stupid rock in their rearview mirror. It seems that a major component in getting themselves home is weapons-grade radioactive material, so I can see this going well.

Mr P is watching the news, and apparently the passengers of Avias 514 will be released shortly…Weasel comes in to tell him that the mole has been caught, and even Mr P seems a little surprised that it was Dickface. You know what they say, though…you call someone a dickface for long enough, they turn into one. Weasel apologizes to Mr P for sucking and allowing a mole on his team, and Mr P says it’s ok, and they make like Obama and have a beer make-up session.

Poor Dickface.

Leila’s sister Sam is being led into a room full of other girls, all who have their faces hidden from view. The creepy lady she’s with introduces Sam to the others, and they turn around…

And we feel like maybe we just walked onto the set of Goonies.