The Ev3nt: Phone Home

Welp, I think I made a huge mistake volunteering to recap this show. The best/worst part is that I was actually pretty excited about it…the recapping, not the show. I was expecting the blatant self-importance of LOST combined with the “Jack Bauer can literally do anything” bravado of 24. Instead I’ve stumbled into a jumbled heap that seems to have taken the wrong attribute from each of the aforementioned shows…it’s got the lackluster self-importance of 24, a show that had no high aspirations to be considered “deep and meaningful” but rather to settle for entertaining us with cheap cliffhangers and explosions, mixed with the “no one can do anything right” incompetence of LOST. It’s middle school writing, high school directing, and a cast made up primarily of people going to night school for acting. Ugh.

Sorry, so, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’ll get on to the recap.

The episode starts off with Shleila standing around looking at the nearly unconscious cartoony assassin.

Seriously, look at this guy…who runs like this?

Leila starts rattling off all sorts of questions, like “Why are you after me? How do you know me? Why are you after me? What do you want from me? What’s going on?” Sean decides that it’s time to get answers, so he points a gun at the assassin as he’s waking up, and demands them. But the guy just stone-faces him and tells him he doesn’t have the cajones to shoot.

Sean realizes he’s right, so instead of shooting, he pulls out a syringe they found on the assassin and threatens him with it instead. Except I’m not sure he understands how threats work, because the guy looks quite frightened, and like he might actually talk, but instead of pinning him down and holding the needle near his neck, Sean just jabs it right on in. Now that that’s done, why would the guy tell you anything?

The dude freaks out, shoves Sean off of him, and runs away screaming

Look away, I’m hideous!!!

So Shliela learns what we already knew, that the syringe had some kind of aging serum in it!!!

INTRO!!!

Mr P and Weasel show up to talk to Darth Hatter. Weasel kindly asks DH’s wife to leave the room, and she gives him a little stare-down prior to obliging.

Seriously, how much Botox does one woman need? This is borderline Renee Zellweger.

Anyways, once she’s gone, Mr P tells DH that he wants to know who put him up to the whole “order MFB to fly a plane into me” thing. Suddenly, Darth H feigns memory loss. Of course, in feigning memory loss, it generally helps to act confused, and not arrogant or smug, but no one taught the DH that apparently, and Mr P sees right through him. Mr P tells him that it will be his goal to ensure that DH pays for this mistake for the rest of his days. Hatter looks him square in the eye and shits on his dreams.

(pictured)

He then tells Mr P that the American people will be most displeased to learn that Mr P was part of the biggest cover up of our time. Where was this entrapment ploy earlier? Hm? Oh, right, it was running down his leg while Vicky had a gun pointed at him. He tells Mr P that the public will find out about the coverup if anyone tries to take him down.

Mr P and Weasel step outside to confer, and just then Weasel’s phone rings. Apparently there’s some kind of national security threat, and they rush back to the batcave White house.

Back at the White House, some unknown military guy briefs Mr P and Weasel on some new missile silo that US intelligence has just now uncovered, located in some relatively ungoverned part of some middle-eastern nation. Apparently the government of “Omala” (?) denies any knowledge of the facility, which is troubling.

Also troubling is that I think they brought in this guy to replace Rocketman…

Weasel says it sounds like a terrorist job, except that none of the terrorists groups the government keeps tabs on is even remotely capable of building a nuclear missile and accompanying silo. So no one knows what’s going on…

Back at Sophia’s, Sophia, Simon, Stevie B, and Soulless have a nice little tea ceremony. I find it rather hilarious that Soulless is sitting on folded legs so soon after shooting herself in the damn knee, but then again, if Shleila can drive from Texas to Atlanta and back over a commercial break, I’m sure bullet wounds can heal between episodes…also, I can’t believe I managed to miss the easy Plaxico Burress joke last week when she shot herself in the leg…

The next few moments can only be described as “Shleila-esque,” thanks to the awkward, poorly-timed dialogue. Sophia asks if Stevie and Soulless gave her all the info on all of the bank accounts that Stevie was using, and they say “yes”, but I’ve known 5 year old who could lie about shitting on the living room floor better than this. Stevie excuses himself and Soulless, to take her back to her hotel.

Sophia tells Simon that Stevie is hiding money away in secret accounts, and out in the parking garage Stevie tells Soulless that he’s pretty sure that mommy didn’t buy their little lie. He tells her it’s time the GTFO. She says “OK, but…”

“…it may take a while with this cane…”

He tells her that it’s time they set their plan in motion, because now they’re a bit short on time, and wants to know that she realizes and is ok with how many people will die as a result of their actions.

Back to Shleila and the cryptkeeper. Leila is stunned to see the effects of what was in the syringe, which is hilarious since she just dragged a 13-going-on-50 year old through a cornfield to get away from this guy…the writers seriously must have decided she was going to be the dumbest person on the face of the planet when they created this character. The now old guy tells them to go to Willowbrook hospital. Then Abby’s dad shows up and tells them to ignore whatever the assassin is telling them, and that if they want a normal life they should forget that any of this ever happened. Then, regardless of the fact that he ALSO got shot in the knee last week, runs (albeit slightly limping) back to the car to GTFO.

Darth Flowers gets a phone call from the nurse at Shady Acres Willowbrook, who tells him that the cartoony assassin never checked in. Flowers tells her that he’s probably been compromised, and they need to take action. Whatever that means.

Shleila shows up at Willow Brook, which turns out to be a fully functioning psychiatric ward. Sean points out that it appears to be fully functional, so where would they keep kidnapped little girls? Leila doesn’t listen to reason…ever…and instead tells Sean she knows that this is the place. Sean gives her a look.

I’ve made a huge mistake…

He then pulls the classic guy move of “ok, fine, we’ll check it out (she’d better not try that ‘BJs are only for Christmas and Birthdays’ thing on me tonight).” Of course, the first words out of Leila’s mouth after convincing Sean that they just HAVE to check the place out are “how are we going to get in??” So help me, if I was Sean I would have punched her right in the boob for that…and then again in the face. And left her on the curb with the trash because I’m sure I could’ve solved this whole fucking mystery if I didn’t have a retarded lamprey stuck to my side…

Seriously, for my money, Sean should be dropping this chick and calling Vicky…she may be slightly evil and have a sordid past, but at least she could probably figure out which end of a penis to use. Pen! PEN! I meant pen! No..no I didn’t.

They walk in the front door and look at the list of patients which is conveniently hanging on the wall right out in the open (doing ONEders for the whole doctor-patient confidentiality thing), and then tell the receptionist that they’re there to see their aunt, “Carolyn Jones.” Now, of course, there’s a major flaw with this plan…like “What if Carolyn Jones is black? Or Mexican? Or Jewish? OR ANYTHING NOT ARIAN?!?!?!” But, alas…this isn’t a comedy, it’s a steaming pile of plot-holy shit. So, magically, Aunt Carolyn happens to be a normal looking white lady wearing an over-sized sweater, since that’s what all mental patients wear…

In an effort to allow Auntie Carolyn to “remember” her, Leila’s all like “don’t you remember me? I’m your niece! And this is my husband, Ace…uh….”

TOM ACE!!! Oh, look honey…the hors d’oeuvres!

He feeds her some dish of “we just got married and thought we would come by and say hello.” What. The. Fuck. Finally the lady “remembers” Leila as “David’s daughter, Sarah,” and Leila’s all like “A-yup, that’s a-me!!! I’m Sarah!!” And the nurse buys the whole deal and leaves them, and so Sean is all like “I’m gonna go stretch my legs” so he can try the keycard out and Leila is all like “hurry Sean, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up,” and we’re all like…

KEEP

WHAT

UP?!?!?

So Sean is running around trying the keycard on every door in this long, unpopulated hallway, and Leila is trying to have some form of conversation with the lady, and things almost take a bad turn when the Aunt Caroline asks how her dad is, and Leila says he’s fine…but then Aunt C says his last letter said his cancer had worsened, and was terminal!!! Leila parries this with “well, I just meant he’s in good spirits,” and…

“Cancer….in….the balls….”

And, if you’re wondering, no…I did not actually make up that quote, that was straight out of the show, and no less in context than it was when it was delivered. Leila can’t even figure out where the fuck that came from, and looks around hoping Sean would be back.

Unfortunately for Sean, he’s in the middle of being found out by a security guard, and gets escorted back upstairs. Leila asks Auntie C if she’s seen any little girls around. Auntie C hasn’t, but Buddy Christ in the back sure has, and tries to say something but he just can’t find the words!!!

……………………………………………………….

And just then the guard drags Sean into the patient area, and he and Leila are forcibly removed from the premises. But just then Touchdown Jesus leans over the railing and says he hears the girls in the floor!!! Ok, seriously, the best part is that his name is apparently Moses. /facepalm.

Sean points out that Jesus was crazy, and Leila has another one of her “I just KNOW I’m right” moments. And then sees a water tower, and according to Abbey there was a water tower somewhere near the hospital. And because those things are INCREDIBLY RARE in relatively rural ares (/sarcasm off), this MUST be the place.

Simon shows up at the secret banker’s house only to find the guy murdered and in the bathtub, and his computer destroyed. Sophia tells him that she’s pretty sure it was Stevie, since he and Soulless aren’t answering their phones and he didn’t come home after taking her back to the hotel the night before. I hope that if I didn’t return home after taking a pretty girl back to her hotel room the night before my mom wouldn’t assume that I’d run away, but rather that I’d just put on a little Marvin Gaye, but then again what hope does she have for Stevie? Simon gets called back into work, so he heads out.

Stevie makes a phone call to some guy, and we learn that the missile silo in Whateverthefuckland is being run by the Others…as if there was actually any doubt. General Fat White Guy tells him that they can tell from the satellite that the rocket is being fueled, and they’ll never get their fighter jets there on time. Well, if Shleila was flying one there’d be no problem, just pop on an ad for Hot Pockets and they’d be there!

The ambassador from Whateverthefuckland shows up at the White House and tells us that the silo may be on his soil, but it is owned by a private corpration, and gives Weasel the documentation for the company. Mr P tells him that if that missile so much as THINKS about launching, the US will retaliate so hard his dick will spin. The ambassador begs for Mr P to reconsider, but Weasel finds something in the paperwork and asks the ambassador to leave.

…and think about what you’ve done.

Weasel discovers that there’s something unusual about the company that owns the silo…the board of directors has 97 members, just as many as detainees were in Inostranka!!! I wonder if Weasel just means Rainman in another language, or if he sat there and counted 1…2…3…4…5…97…   hey, did you hear? I just did 1,000!” Now we REALLY know that the silo belongs to the Others. Weasel says that it’s basically a big “Fuck You” from Sophia, but Mr P knows better…he knows it’s Stevie B.

Back to Shleila, who just snuck into the psych hospital again thanks to a janitor propping the door open to throw away some trash. Sean decides that clearly the “floor” from which the little girls were screaming  was probably a basement, and they find an elevator, but there’s no “B” level!!!.

This hospital must have the world’s dumbest security guards. This guy doesn’t even wonder why the elevator door just happens to be closing as he wanders by…

There’s another awful Shleila moment where Leial is still sure this is the place even though the elevator doesn’t appear to go down, and Sean’s “well I bet it’d go down if you would!” but to no avail…and then Sean FINALLY notices a HUGE card scanner right above the numbered buttons…

Seriously, could he not have noticed this a little sooner and spared us the Shleila mumbo-jumbo?

The card works, and they go down to the basement!!! Which is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY down, and makes me wonder how the fuck Buddy Christ heard the girls crying through what had to be 50 feet of cement and dirt….

Shleila gets of the elevator and wanders around. That is, until, they realize that the place has recently been abandoned, and Leila freaks out and goes running down the dark hallways of the psych ward. Blonde Girl running down dark hallway with flickering lights in a psychiatric hospital has horror flick written all over it, but that doesn’t slow her down at all…it’d be nice if in her frantic running she tripped and knocked herself out.

It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

Anyways, she runs into a room and finds her name carved into the wall…which is kinda a weird thing for a girl to carve into a wall, even if she’s been kidnapped. It should’ve just been “Samanta Wuz Here.” Oh well.

Simon calls Sophia to tell her that her kid used that secret account to build a missile silo. Whoops. Back in the war room, they watch as the missile launches. Weasel tells Mr P they have no way of stopping the missile once it launches. There’s a countdown in some language I’m not familiar with, and then the worst CG flame I’ve ever seen.

It’s like they know they’re getting canceled and don’t want to spend any more money…

So the missile has launched, and everyone stares in disbelief. The science and math folks in the room deduce that the missile isn’t heading for the US of A, and then that it isn’t carrying nukes. And THEN the missile goes into outer space, and opens up and a satellite just pops out. They then notice and are somehow confused by the fact that the satellite is pointing away from Earth, and not towards it…but then Weasel steps up and lets us know what’s going on.

Fuckin’ E.T. … I always hated that stupid movie.

Stevie gives orders to send whatever transmission they had planned, and they do, and it makes some awful screechy noise that kinda made me think of Michael Bay’s Transformers…

Back to Shleila once more for the evening. They finally figure out where the smokey smell was coming from, and see a pile of burned folders on the ground. Of course, upon searching, there are two folders that aren’t too badly burned to read. One happens to belong to Abby’s dad. Abby’s Dad is an Other!!! She’s a halfling!!! Leila doesn’t understand, and Sean tries to explain the whole idea that just because people age doesn’t mean aliens do. But Leila doesn’t believe the crazy reporter who told them about the aliens, she only believes crazy Touchdown Jesus from the psych ward who heard voices in the floor. And she goes crazy…for the 17th time this episode…and tells Sean they’re not leaving until she knows where they took her sister…and Sean now KNOWS the BJs are out of the question.

Then they find a picture of Michael Fucking Buchanan. From 1959!! And he looks the same as he does now!!!

So I could’ve been right about Mr P’s wife!!! Apparently the general public is too stupid to notice that their husbands and wives haven’t been AGING!!!

I mean, seriously, if it weren’t for Just For Men – Touch of Gray he’d be fucked…

HOW does it escape your notice that the man you married…oh, Idunno, Leila’s about 25 or so I’d guess, so…25+ years ago HASN’T AGED A DAY!!! Also, where has Mr P’s honey bunny even been?!?! Maybe she took the whole “beer or waffles” thing to heart and is afraid to enter the room with him again because she has neither, still!!!

And at this point, my eyes roll back in my head, and I collapse in a heap on the floor, never to be heard from again. Hopefully I’ll wake up from my coma before this show begins airing again in March. Or whatever.