The Ev3nt: Road Trip!!

So after ending on another epic cliffhanger last week, our friendly writers decided to not pick up with the recently re-ceased passengers, but instead to go back to the parking garage, where Sean and FBI chick are peeling out and super-secret #1 is shooting the back window of of the SUV.

So SS1 takes the only logical step for a guy who just let his mark get away because the guy stole his car…he shoots some poor fuck in the back…twice!!!…and then takes his car!!! Which is a Buick! He’s in such a hurry because he already had a phone call with Vicky and took the time to murder someone, so instead of properly pulling out of his parking spot, he rams the shit out of another car on his way out of the garage!

Uh-oh! Better get Maaco!!

This is just me thinking out loud, but assuming you’re some top-secret guy whose sole purpose for being right now is capturing Sean Walker, who just stole your SUV and is probably at least 5-10 minutes down some road somewhere already, it’d be a good idea to take care of the car that’s supposed to get you caught up to him. Especially since you’re more than likely going to be doing some bumping and grinding. Oh well…

So SS1 somehow is on them in a matter of moments, and starts shooting again! chick agent doesn’t shoot back because he’s too far away! But that doesn’t seem to be an issue for SS1. She tells Sean to hit the brakes, which to me should’ve been the no-shitter of the century since they’re probably both going 70+ mph and the guy is right on his ass and no one in this show wears a damn seatbelt. But she tells him to cut the wheel to the left, and he spins the car around and…

BOOM! Headshot!!

SS1 runs off the road, down into a ditch, and Sean says the first intelligent thing I’ve heard all season! He’s apparently learned his lesson from not finishing the job in the FBI office…and asks if maybe they should check and make sure he’s dead this time. Chick agent tells him to just gtfo. So Sean pulls over a little ways down the road to disable the car’s GPS. They have a little heart-to-heart, and chick agent is totally on board for some righteous fury…

“And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!!!”

So I guess this is the moment where they officially become a team.

Cut.

Five years earlier, Sean is driving around in some total POS old Civic hatchback with a CD player that skips when you play really bad music like whateverthefuck he’s listening to. He picks up Leila from somewhere in the pouring rain. She gets in the car and invites him to drive her all the way to her parents’ for Thanksgiving dinner. Yay!!

Seriously, though, the swim lessons thing was Five years ago, too, and at school. This seems like maybe it’s a bit sudden, but whatever. Who am I to judge? Seriously, though…a 16 hour car ride just for turkey and stuffing, with a CD player that skips every 2 seconds, and the reverberating “We, are driving, WE, WE ARE DRIVING” in the background? (Yeah, I’m not going to let that go, thanks for asking though…)

Cut.

Back to Leila now, because we were all really curious whether she and Vicky would get around to their girlfight. One of the other kidnappers is there with Vicky, and he brings a beer down into the basement for what turns out to be a 2 sentence conversation. It turns into a longer convo when he manages to somehow kick the fuck out of the bottle and shatter it. He tells her she’ll be ok if she behaves.

He goes back upstairs and gets another beer, and Vicky starts nagging him about drinking and how he needs to be alert. He replies by telling her that Leila will be dead in two hours, and Leila hears him through the air vents!!!

INTRO!!!

There are tapes of the hostages being interviewed. A little girl starts crying, then some old lady, and some random Asian guy, all who were on the plane. They’re all very confused, probably due to them not being dead anymore…There is also a tape of Billy Bob.

“I knew something wasn’t right! The seatbelt sign was on, but a passenger GOT UP ANYWAYS!!!” Seriously, he must’ve just graduated from Air Marshall school if that strikes him as “not right.”

Billy Bob starts yelling at his interviewer, saying he works for the damn government and he expects them to tell him what’s going on!!

Mr P and VP are in the treatment center. They have a quick conversation about why the Others would kill them and then bring them back, and then the VP gets word that Michael Buchanan is awake, but when he goes to talk to him, he sees that Weasel is already there interviewing! VP again makes his suspicions known,

“The idea of me having anything to do with trying to kill him is absurd, if only because that’d put you in charge!” I mean…that’s a reality show line right there.

Back at the President’s house, a cell phone rings. It’s not the P’s, or his wife, but his kid finds the phone in his bag! It’s the Steve Buscemi guy! He tells the P to release Sophia & people, or people will die. Mr P tells him to fuck off.

Side note – when P and his wife realize that their kid just answered a strange cell phone, they both say his name. P says “Daviiiiid” like en espanol, which makes sense since they’re a Cuban family. His wife says “David,” like normal white folk. Would it really have been so tough to maybe do another take? Geez…

Sean and chick agent are driving along, and they find an unsecured wifi network, which he uses to log into a government database to run a search on all of Vicky’s aliases, and finds that her credit card was used in Lubbock, Texas, so it’s pretty safe to assume that someone was using it to buy things for their fat little girlfriends…

Cut.

Back to five years ago, Sean and Leila are at her parents for Thanksgiving, and Michael Buchanan keeps asking Sean questions about his parents…and Sean keeps giving these awkward, uncomfortable answers, and we’re all just waiting for a little “I have nipples, Sean, could you milk me?” I mean, geez, guy, take a hint.

Sean’s family apparently was a bit dysfunctional, and his parents split up and his mom was crazy and then his dad became an alkie so when he left after high school he never looked back. That explains his discomfort in addressing it. Thanks, Mike.

Cut.

Back to Leila in the basement, who’s now kinda freaked out about the whole dying in two hours thing. She sees light coming in through a boarded up window, and tries to rip the boards off, but apparently certain kidnappers watched Tool Time when they were growing up and know how to use a hammer. However, she sees some glass from the beer bottle!!!

Sean and Chick Agent are suddenly in Lubbock, TX., and now I have no idea when we are…apparently either another wormhole opened up or these stories aren’t actually happening simultaneously, but I don’t like it either way. A quick googlemaps inquiry tells me that Yuma and Lubbock are 871 miles apart, which is like a 14 hour drive. Yet they left in daylight, and it’s daytime now. Whoops. Continuity fail.
So Sean and Chick Agent are approaching the house, and Vicky gets the call to whack Leila. It keeps cutting back and forth between Vicky/Leila and Sean/Chick Agent, and I’m totally predicting a Silence of the Lambs style switcheroo!! And……IT IS! Points for me! Everyone take a shot!!

This was so predictable that I can’t even ACT surprised…

Back to the P, who is IRATE about the fact that someone was able to slip a phone into his kid’s bag. He asks Weasel how they can be prepared for people who can teleport an airplane across the country. Weasel thinks back to the Cold War era bomb drills…

Cut.

A year ago. Wait…they said 12 months, not a year. Seriously? Anyways, I guess a year ago the P’s wife was meeting Sophia for the first time. There’s some small talk, and really not much of value, but the P cracks a joke about how he managed to marry a Cuban girl who doesn’t cook. Something tells me the humor is probably lost on an extra-terrestrial whose time on earth has been spent locked in a cell in Alaska. I mean, this is a state who’s governor lists among her foreign policy experience “You can see Russia from my house,” and they’re talkin’ so much gobbledygook that Terry Tate has to rear his head!!!

Cut.

Back to the present, and Mr P is coming down hard on Sophia because she won’t tell him anything. He keeps giving her these “I’m mad, but more than that I’m disappointed” speeches, and we’re all like “Blair, you are so ready to be a dad!!!” And the ladies are already lining up.

Sophia tells Mr P that they need to give Thomas what he wants, or he’ll do something, and it will be bad!!!

Back in the quarantine area for the passengers, everyone’s nose is bleeding!! Apparently the control group got a placebo and the passengers got a steady dose of Bolivian Marching Powder.

This, kids, is why you shouldn’t do drugs.

Back in Lubbock, the lady who answered the door is denying any knowledge of Vicky. She starts picking up that Sean may or may not be an actual FBI agent, like he’s pretending, and so Sean goes outside…or pretends to. Instead he just starts snooping around and finds a kid in the back room, who just so happens to be Vicky’s kid. He has a sweet little conversation that culminates in him taking a picture of the kid. That’ll come in handy.

Sean calls the lady out on being Vicky’s mom, and she cracks and gives them the emergency contact number for Vicky!

Vicky has come downstairs and is preparing to finish the job, and Leila starts rambling and crying, and when Vicky least expects it, Leila attacks!!! GIRL FI—!!!! wtf. One punch? Seriously, these bitches need to learn to take a hit.

Leila runs upstairs, and Vicky chases her, and Leila turns around and shoots her!!! NOOOOO LEILA!!! How is the girlfight going to happen now?!?

Well…I guess she’s down to 98 problems…

Leila runs outside and starts sprinting down the street. Finally she sees a cop car and runs out screaming about how she was kidnapped and shot someone and the cop agrees to take her in to the station, but only after a lot of begging and pleading. I wonder what kind of cop even hesitates when a girl in a dirty, bloody tank top and non-existent shorts comes running up saying she was kidnapped and to please help, but this guy does…

You can tell he’s a shitty cop by his mustache. This here’s a n00bstache.

Finally he takes her back to the station, and again I’m blown away that none of the cop cars in this stupid show have any kind of divider between the front and the back. Leila gets to call Sean, but when his phone rings the battery dies, so she leaves him a message. It turns out she’s in Snyder, TX, which is only 84 miles from Lubbock, but Sean and Chick Agent are headed to Colorado because that’s where the area code of Vicky’s emergency number is! Apparently they’ve never heard of cell phones!!! Man, when they realize this they’re gonna be all like “We drove halfway across the country…in the WRONG DIRECTION!!!”

Cut.

Five years early, back at T-day dinner, Leila and mom slip out of the kitchen for a moment to talk about Sean. Mom is a little too excited for her daughter, who’s only been dating this guy for less than a year…but again, who am I to judge? Michael pulls out a couple tumblers and a bottle of Scotch, and offers a glass to Sean. Before he drinks, he looks at the label. I’m not sure, bit that seems rude. He may as well have asked how much it cost. But whatever, MFB – wait, no, just MB – doesn’t seem offended, and they drink up. “Welcome to the family.” Wow.

Cut.

Leila is at the police station, and the other cop there offers her water. He goes back into the break room, and guess who’s there?!?!? Vicky!!! But we saw her get shot!!!

It’s not a trick, Michael…it’s an ILLUSION!!!!!!!!!!

And they show the whole scene the way it really happened, with the shard of hope being planted, and the bullets being flash blanks, and Vicky falling down the stairs on her own and then getting up and running out!!! And it becomes clear that they let Leila escape to serve as bait!!! Vicky is on the phone with someone who sounds old, but I can’t place the voice yet, so I don’t know if he’s been introduced…but he says that when Sean shows up, take care of him for good…

TIMPANIS!!!!!!

(Seriously, every time this show ends I swear that 2001: A Space Odyssey…)