The Ev3nt: Who’s Comin’ With Me?!?

Well, The Ev3nt is back. I know you’re all thrilled to death. It may be a bit of a long shot that this show is renewed, but I’ll see it through to the end….so what I wanna know is WHO’S COMIN’ WITH ME?!?

So after five minutes of nonsense recapping the 10 episodes of nonsense that preceded  this two hours of nonsense, the episode begins with a newscast about the rocket launch. No one actually knows what’s going on, though, so they start reporting on the government’s story that the ‘rocket’ was actually just an airplane…and apparently people are buying it like it’s on sale.

Mr P addresses his war room, and fills in the blanks about the rocket launch for anyone who wasn’t trusted with the info earlier. Apparently the satellite transmitted a 7 second communication and then self destructed. Sounds like my mother-in-law after a bottle of wine…I kid, I kid, I’m not married…

Anyways, despite the fact that the only language we’ve ever seen the aliens speak is English – yes, including when Sophia is dishing out instructions when they crash landed – the message that they transmitted back to their home world is in their real native language. Mr P reveals that the NSA/CIA are working to decrypt the message as he speaks, and, conveniently, they succeed while he’s still talking. Maybe it’s just me, but remembering that Stevie B got rich playing the stock market with algorithms that our math couldn’t comprehend, wouldn’t you think they could encrypt their message a little more securely?

Anyways, the message is translated, and while I think the more accurate translation is “we’re putting rubber sheets on the guest room beds,” the government’s translation is a little more…direct.

The freezers are stocked with Eggo waffles and pizza rolls…

Intro!!

Back from the Intro, Weasel tells Mr P that we should view this message as a declaration of war. The old white general that replaced Rocketman makes it very clear that we cannot compete with a species that can teleport airplanes.

Elsewhere, Sophia and Simon are trying to figure out where Stevie has built his transporter. Sophia is angry that no one but Stevie really knew where he was building this contraption, and Simon tells her that there is an “untapped resource.”

…and I’m not talking about your mom…your very existence tells me that she is not “untapped.”

Simon seems to be suggesting MFB, though they don’t say it out loud, and Sophia is non-too-keen on the idea.

Stevie and Soulless take a little Land Rover ride to the Himalayas and meet with some new guy who appears to be heading up the “build the massive portal so that we can invade earth” project. He asks to see the key module, then goes to change his pants. Afterwards, he gets very edgy when he finds out that Sophia knows what they’re up to…but Stevie has a plan. Dr Portal shows them his progress, and assures Stevie that it will be big enough to bring everyone necessary.

We jump back in time to Shleila in the mental ward basement, and they rediscover MFB’s file, and Leila goes into denial mode and insists that the aliens aren’t real. Then over all the noise Leila is making screaming about her dad not being an alien, somehow Sean hears someone else in the basement! It’s one of the people working with Leila’s sister and the other girls! Sean runs her down and demands answers!

Tell me everything RIGHT NOW or we will keep acting out this shitty scene right in front of you!!!

Of course, the lady cracks at the thought of more Shleila, and tells them the girls are being transported in a white van that just left 10 minutes ago, and they’re headed for West Plains. The lady also confirms that Leila and Sam are special because of MFB. Shleila get back into the car and head out to find this white van. Leila proceeds to get mad at Sean because he doesn’t agree with her that there’s no way that MFB could be an alien. He doesn’t say he thinks MFB is an alien, he merely says that he doesn’t know what to think, and says he’s just trying to be honest…

Men, take note. Your chick friend, girl friend, booty-call, wife, or beard will at some point ask you a question to which you should not provide an honest answer. “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” “Your friends don’t like me, do they?” “It’s crazy to think my dad is an alien, right?” Just laugh politely and reply “don’t be silly.” Then, when that doesn’t work, grab a bottle of lotion and set up camp on the couch while you wait for 1-800-flowers to deliver your apology.

Skipping over to MFB, because he is the one that Simon and Sophia were talking about. He’s being transported to a maximum security prison in Virginia by way of an unmarked and completely unarmored van. This little error in judgement makes the daring “Operation: Rescue MFB” possible.

No…wait…it’s gotta be YOUR bull…

I swear, between this show and Hawaii Five-0, there’s a t-bone scene almost weekly…and I can only make a joke about sticking your head up a butcher’s ass so many times before it’s no longer funny. Also hilarious to me is the rescuers use this tiny sedan to  wreck the van, and not the very large SUV that pulls up immediately after. Anyways, they smash and grab MFB and GTFO.

Back at the White House, the president has a little meet and greet with some new senator from Alaska, who was appointed when her husband, the previous senator, died. She rambles on and on about some bill she wants to push through, and Mr P is barely able to keep his eyes open. Then, out of nowhere, she tells him she found this file among her dead husbands things. This file about a weather station in Mt Inostranka. Well, clearly this is about the facility…but this lady does not know that, and wants to know where the money went. Mr P tries to lie his way through the rest of the conversation…

For being a politician, I sure am a bad liar…

She keeps pressing and he tells her he’ll have his people look into it and shows her out. So, is it just me, or aren’t “Top Secret” documents generally controlled? Like, shouldn’t Mr P’s people have known when this guy died that he had top secret stuff, and to clear his office out, and home, so that this stuff didn’t fall into the wrong hands? Anyways, when she’s walking out of his office, she has a stupid little conversation with her manservant – she asks him if he’s ever played poker. When he says “no” (wait, what?), she goes on to tell that she’s been playing ever since her daddy taught her as a little girl…and that Mr P was bluffing.

Of course, what Mr P did was not a bluff. If we’re keeping the cliche as fuck poker analogy going, what he did was more like slow-playing, or pretending he has a worse hand than he does to try to lure someone else into betting. Bluffing, in cards and in everything else, involves displaying confidence that you have something over the person you’re trying to bluff. He did the opposite, and acted like he had no idea what she was talking about.

Ugh, lady…your manservant doesn’t even play cards and he knows you misused that term…

Sophia and MFB have a nice little reunion. By that, of course, I mean Sophia yells at him and then tells him they need help finding Stevie B. MFB decides to play hardball, and tells her he’ll only help them if they help him find his daughters.

Don’t stare too closely at this picture. MFB’s stare is like that of a basilisk. If you meet his gaze, you’re dead…but even seeing a reflection or photo could be disastrous.

Sean must be driving faster than shit, because they catch up with a van that left more than 10 minutes before them which has been driving on a totally empty highway. They pass the white van, and I guess it becomes obvious that they’re trying to hinder the van, and so the driver of the van rams the shit out of them. Repeatedly. All the while, in the back seat of the van are all of the test subjects. All of them. And if this van wrecks badly, or explodes…the research is gone. Sean manages to outsmart the van driver and slam on the brakes, and the van careens off the road.

Sean gets out of the car, runs over and punches the driver in the face. No one bothers to check if there maybe is another bad guy in the van, but I’ll spoil it for you and tell you there isn’t. Some other car drives by and the driver stops to see if anyone is hurt. Sean tells him to call 911 and then grabs Sam and Leila and they run away from the accident scene. This doesn’t seem to be a problem for the random good samaritan.

At a bar in Alaska, soulless buys some guy a drink or 10, makes his pants tight, and then walks him out into a Stevie B ambush. That’s what I call blueballs. Ouch. Turns out he’s a Lieutenant, and stationed at Inostranka…

Man, this is not how I thought I was gonna get fucked tonight…

Back in the middle of nofuckingwhereville, Sean gets a call from Chick Agent telling him that MFB wants to meet with him.

That annoying new senator gets back to her office to find people securing her husband’s office…aka getting rid of stuff she doesn’t have clearance to see. I have to say, this is a massive butchering of a situation. Now, even if there was nothing to hide, it’d look like the government was hiding something. She convinces the guy to give her a moment in her husband’s office because he had love letters from his mistress hidden in his desk. For some reason they let her go into his office all alone, and don’t bother to check her on the way out. As would be expected, she finds the real Inostranka file and stuffs it in her purse. Also, I have to wonder why the hell this dead senator wasn’t locking up his highly confidential documents, instead of just leaving them out on his desk…

Shleila and MFB finally reunite, and Leila confronts her dad about his extra-terrestrialness. He admits that he’s from a place very far away, and he’s not talking about India…

Weasel shows up at Inostranka, and everyone keeps asking him why he’s starting to question the detainees again. Meanwhile, Stevie B’s crew gets to work infiltrating Inostranka. The Lieutenant that Stevie threatened gives them clearance to get in. Stevie apparently has the world’s fastest working tear gas, and uses it readily. He and one accomplice take down an entire room full of guards without shots being fired or alarms being rung. He marches in and takes over the control room. He has the Lieutenant pull all the guards off their posts, one at a time, to be detained in the boiler room.

Apparently this civilization is so advanced that they can manufacture new cajones…nothing else would explain Stevie’s newfound badassitude.

Weasel has Maya…yes, dead Enrique’s girlfriend…in interrogation. She is holding firmly to her stance that an invasion would completely go against everything that her and the rest of her people stood for, but Weasel keeps pushing. He shows her pictures of all the dead people in the desert (not mentioning that they came back to life), etc., and finally mentions that it was Thomas that did all of this.

Corporal Bell, who’s guarding the interrogation room, is the last one to get the order to head to the boiler room. When it comes in, Weasel counters it, and now Stevie B knows that Weasel is here, and is hellbent on vengence.

Maya is sticking to her guns, and desperately wants Weasel to believe her, but he’s really not buying it.Cpl Bell hears a noise and goes to investigate, and gets shot at! Understandably this displeases him, and he runs in to tell Weasel. Weasel cooks up a good plan and takes down the guards, but then one of them lying on the ground shoots him in the back! Maya runs away. Weasel acknowledges that he and Cpl are fucked, but decides to make a heroic stand to prevent Thomas from escaping with all of the detainees.

Back at the White House, the annoying new Senator confronts Mr P about the whole Inostranka thing. Somehow no one is making a big deal of the fact that she has illegally obtained classified information. Mr P mentions it but it just kind of gets glossed over. Anyways, he gets annoyed and basically reminds her of the rule about how no one is allowed in his office unless they’re bringing him beer or waffles…or, in the vernacular…

“Bitch, please…”

Back at a house somewhere…maybe the Buchananananan’s house, I’m not sure, Sean meets Sophia. She tells him that she’s just trying to take her people home, but that Stevie B wants to obliterate our world. Meanwhile, Leila and MFB are discussing his story. Leila comes to learn she’s only 1/2 human. I’ll just pretend that the science part of my brain isn’t screaming in protest right now. MFB promises to tell her everything in time, but they have to go far, far away, and she can’t bring Sean with her. Is this the end of Shleila?! God willing…

Back at Inostranka, Stevie makes a rallying speech about shooting fire from his eyes and lightning bolts from his arse, and

FREEEEEDOM!!!!!!

Weasel and Cpl Bell come up on the command center, and there’s some guy the Cpl doesn’t recognize in there. Bell distracts him while Weasel steps in and puts two in his chest. Seriously, Weasel apparently is a fantastically good shot with a handgun. Guess he’s a republican…

Cpl Bell tends to Weasel’s wounds, and then they see Stevie’s motivational speech on the security cams. Weasel decides he needs to lock down the facility.

Stevie is still going on and on about how shitty Sophia is, and how great his New Order will be. It basically culminates with “WHO’S COMIN’ WITH ME?!?” After the speech, a couple of people tell Maya they’re going to stay, and she should too. She says that sounds like a bad idea, because Stevie is crazy and has self-esteem problems and may not take that so well…

All of the prisoners who have decided to leave with Stevie are heading to the exit. Stevie opens the door to the outside, but Weasel inputs his security clearance into the system and overrides the system, locking down the facility. This does not sit well with Stevie.

Cpl Bell and Weasel try to stay on the to avoid being captured, and their next stop is the armory. They walk in and suddenly Weasel is all

I see dead people…

They come to realize these were the detainees who sided with Sophia and elected to stay. Of course, just then, a billion men with guns rush in on them, and they’re busted.

Back in DC, the annoying new Senator is on Hardball about to expose Inostranka. She still has no idea what it is, except that it’s a prison, and probably just assumes its a secret Guantanamo. Regardless, Mr P is none-too-please by this, but takes advantage of the fact that the Senator left her cell phone on during the filming. He calls and promises to tell her everything if she doesn’t tell the world about Insotranka. She agrees, and the crisis is averted…for now.

At the Buchananananan’s, MFB tucks Sam in. We get one last Shleila moment, with the two of them discussing whether she should go with her dad or stay with him. She can’t make up her mind, so Sean tells her they’ll figure it out tomorrow, and that it’s time to just go to sleep.

At Inostranka, Weasel refuses to give up the code to the gate, so Stevie B has him tortured. Maya conveniently happens to be wandering around and sees all of this happening.

I’m sure this is supposed to be an expression indicating he can’t bear to see this happening to Weasel, but it looks more like a “wtf sound are you making, dude” expression to me.

Cpl Bell can’t take any more of Weasels bleating, and finally cracks and gives up the code. The handcuff Bell to a railing, and take Weasel with them. Maya comes in and unbinds his hands and tells him that there are some of ‘them’ who don’t want to destroy humankind. She tells him to get off the plane and stop Stevie, so Weasel runs. Of course, Stevie has an automatic weapon, and shoots him again! In the leg!! Down goes Weasel!!! Maya sees this happen and knows Weasel is effed without her help, so she knocks Stevie over and runs to him. Stevie shoots her clean in the back, and then the chopper takes off. Weasel scoots over to her and she dies in his arms.

After watching that torture scene I’m feeling like Weasel is an excellent candidate for an Edward James Olmos / Adm Adama style painful awful breakdown. I tried to find youtube examples and failed, so I apologize, but any BSG fan knows what I’m talking about.

“WHYYYY-HY-HY-HY-HY-HY-HY-HY-HY-HY-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

The next morning, Leila wakes up and notices that Sean has already gone. I’m sure most of us saw this coming a mile away, since we all know Sean is the good-guy-selfless-tragic-hero, he had to leave her so she could figure out who she was blah-blah-blah…

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of all the hype over topless…I’m starting the bottomless trend.

Out of nowhere, we get what can only be described as a bonus scene involving Darth Flowers. He is informed that Shleila freed the test subjects…and isn’t too happy about it, but at the same time doesn’t seem overly concerned. He goes over to this large stone table with all these lines and things on it and moves some engraved piece to a different part of the table, and says something about how he thinks he’ll see Mr Walker soon. CUE THE LOW BRASS!!!! Apparently that means something!

Anyways, wow. Please, NBC, never do another 2 hour episode…please. I’m still feeling like nothing is even happening. It’s like maybe they should have named it The Ev3nt(ual)…