Alright boys and girls, I guess we’re back. It’s been a while, right? So long, in fact, that I seem to have forgotten whateverthefuck this show was actually about. Aliens or something, it’d seem. The advertisements for The Ev3nt’s return started a couple weeks back, and reminded me that the show actually existed. Anyways, I had no idea what the hell was going on in the commercials, so I decided I should probably go back to what has already happened and see if I could piece together the story so far and, with any luck, understand what they’re talking about by telling us in the ad that The Ali3ns are taking earth back. You gotta love when a show has spoilers in the advertisements, right? Like if Amazon, in it’s promotion for HP6, had something like “An epic tale of witchcraft and wizardry filled with love, hope, and Snape kills Dumbledore.” Oh, please, if I ruined that for you now, 2 years after the MOVIE was released…well, you had it coming.
Ok, so, let’s get cracking on reliving the ev3nts of The Ev3nt. I’m gonna go ahead and apologize – this is more of a reminder of what’s going on and a shameless plug to bring you back to read the real recaps now that this show is back, so it’s light on the pictures and, sadly, on the humor. To begin, I’m going to spare you the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad narrative device used in the first 3 or so episodes, with the jumping back and forth through the timeline of what was actually happening. If you want to relive it as it was, re-read my old recaps instead. But wait, don’t do that, please. I’d hate to think I’d wasted effort. You know, like the effort of continuing to recap a show that almost all of you have no doubt forgotten about
Ultimately, this is a story about Sean and Leila. They met back in college, because he was on the swim team and Leila was floundering around in the water like a quadriplegic cat. Long story short, she learns to swim, he learns to love, and everything turns out swimmingly (sorry, could not resist).
In the present, Sean and Leila are about to get married. They are going on a cruise, and Sean thinks that this is where he should propose. He gets dad’s blessing, and everything seems great, but…while they’re on the cruise some shit goes down. First, Mr President decides to reveal some aliens that we’d kept locked up in a facility in Alaska to the general public. His advisors advise against this, but Mr P is very stubborn. Second, the leader of those aliens is trying to keep the peace between those of her people who were not found at the crash site (and thus are hiding in plain sight among us) and humanity. One of hers, in particular, has gone all kinds of rogue…
So on the cruise, Sean and Leila meet this other couple when Sean saves a chick from drowning. The chick turns out to be Vicky, and the dude turns out to be some bro. Some poor fuckin’ bro that tries to hook up with Leila while Sean and Vicky are out snorkeling, and instead gets himself knifed by the boat guards who happen to be working for some very bad people. So Leila is kidnapped, Sean somehow no longer is listed on the manifest, and things start going very badly.
Very, very badly.
Back in non-cruise-ville, Leila’s mom gets shot, her sister kidnapped, and her dad is abducted and forced to partake in an assassination plot if he ever wants to see his daughters again. Sean somehow gets off the cruise ship without being captured, stows aboard the airplane and tries to talk Michael out of crashing it into the Pres, and suddenly as the airplane is approaching, a giant wormhole opens up and transports it to Arizona!
Ok, so that was the first episode in a nutshell. Now that the stage is set and you remember the basics, we’re going to move quickly. After all, there’s not much time for you to read this, so I’m not going to make it a 40 page thesis.
Michael Fucking Buchanan manages to crash land the plane in the desert. When he’s chatting with Sean about how awesome he is for landing it safely, he sees helicopters in the distance and recognizes them as “not help.” He tells Sean to run, and that he has to find Leila. Sean runs. He will do this many more times. This particular time, though, he’s in a fucking desert, and passes out and almost dies but ends up in the hospital somehow. It turns out he’s wanted for the murder of Bro, and the FBI shows up and arrests his ass, but not before more running.
Sean tries to convince the agents that there’s some massive conspiracy going on but they want none of it. They end up at a police roadblock which is conveniently hiding the crashed airplane, and since they don’t believe Sean they try to turn around but suddenly there’s this ridiculously fortuitous wreck…
Fortuitous for Sean…not this guy…
Sean escapes relatively unhurt, and manages to save chick agent and drive off in the police car. Mr P and his advisors make it out to the crash site, where they see all of the passengers dead!!!
Mr P offers freedom to any of the aliens in Alaska if they come forward and tell their plans…one Enrique lookin mofo comes forward, but then promptly gets stabbed.
Would joo dance, if I asked joo to dance?
Around this time we learn that there were a lot of aliens that weren’t found at the crash site. The US government just assumes we caught them all, but it turns out that Simon, who Weasel put in charge of the anti-alien task force, is one of them!!
Vicky still has Leila captive, and Sean is doing whatever he can to track her down. He breaks into the FBI office and runs some searches in their database and finds out she’s got a very secretive past. He then gets arrested again. Some super-secret agents come in to “transfer him,” which apparently is super-secret talk for “sending the dog to the farm.” Chick agent realizes something is wrong, and she and Sean escape, which is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Oh, right. And the dead people are now un-dead. Not like Zombies. Or maybe. But they don’t seem to want brains. But they turn out to all be really sick and dying of something we don’t have here on earth.
Vickie and Leila totally keep teasing us with the possibility of a girlfight, but as often is the case with this series, hopes and expectations are not met. Leila makes a daring escape, but it turns out that Vicky totally allowed it to happen so she’d run to the cops and lure Sean to them.
Sean and chick agent are hot on Vicky’s trail, or so they think, but they end up at a house in Lubbock, TX. Sean does some sleuthing while chick agent grills the lady of the house…and in Sean’s poking around he finds a little boy that was hiding in his bedroom. The little boy just so happens to be Vicky’s kid. He takes a photo w/ his cell phone. We then learn that the kid isn’t REALLY Vicky’s but that she adopted him when she killed his whole family when he was an infant.
Stevie B plants a cell phone on Mr P’s kid, and calls it to deliver a message – the maybe-zombies will all die if Mr P doesn’t let his people go! Mr P tells him to fuck himself. He then tells him that if any passengers die he’ll just execute the entire group of detainees in Alaska. In the end, they agree that Mr P will release Sophia in exchange for the antidote. Zombie-itis cured!!
Leila starts to realize that the cops at the police station she’s waiting for Sean at are all planted there, and tries to escape. She fails. Sean gets to the police station and, thanks to chick agent’s voice of reason, realizes that he’s badly outnumbered. He sends a photo of Vicky’s kid to her via text, and threatens to let the world know this is her kid. She agrees to help, and Shleila is born!!
From this point on, less and less happens per episode. Simon risks his cover to keep Sophia safe, and as a thank you for his efforts, a building falls on him. He gets away with it because his people are able to somehow forensically pin everything on Dickface here…
…if the glove fits, right?…
We get some back story on Simon, too. I guess just to let us know that these others, since they don’t age, are more of the love-em-and-leave-em type. Further planting the seed that some of these characters are probably aliens. I’d like to remind you all that I called that Mrs P was an alien at the end of the 5th episode…
Shleila heads to Leila’s parents’ house to find more info, and are confronted by a mega crazy conspiracy theorist who sympathizes with them thanks to a gun in her face, and takes them to see her friend who can maybe do something to help them. They don’t get much information, except to learn that other little girls, like Leila’s sister, have been kidnapped. Anyways, someone followed them to the guy’s house, so of course, like any good anti-gov’t conspiracy theorist, he has it rigged to explode, and BOOM!. House gone. Sean and Leila almost get away, but one of the guys who was in the house when it went big-badda-boom somehow lives and shoots the shit out of Sean! He’s hurt, bad, but won’t let Leila take him to a hospital because he’s still wanted for Bro’s murder, so she kidnaps a doctor and they perform emergency parking lot surgery stat!!
We learn a little about Weasel’s past, and how he has trouble trusting people because his wife turned out to be a Soviet spy.
Suddenly we see all the girls that are kidnapped, and they’re being experimented on, and are hideous…and poor Leila’s sister is next!!
We finally learn who was behind the assassination attempt…Mr VP aka Darth Hatter! He was in on it with some old guy dubbed Darth Flowers due to his love of, well, flowers. And he has some serum that makes him look younger or something. Hatter wants to turn himself in, so Flowers calls Vicky and tells her to end him. Instead of doing that, she shoots her cohort, sealing her own fate as a not-so-bad-guy. Mr VP then runs outside to go back to the white house to turn himself in and a van explodes!!
Finally, after all that, we get back to the others. There’s a gathering of aliens, and Sophia tells them that it’s time to leave earth and go home. It turns out that the aliens don’t want to leave earth, what with the irrevocably fucked environment and all. It turns out that one of the others has been screwing Stevie B and talks him into killing his mom so he’ll be the new leader. Of course, first they have to use her to get some key…so Stevie and Sophia run out and retrieve the key, and then Stevie pulls out a gun but can’t pull the trigger. Mom knows it was Soulless who planted the idea in his head, and makes her shoot herself in the knee to prove her loyalty. WTF.
Shleila gets a new lead in the missing sister thing, and go visit the family of a little girl that was abducted just like Leila’s sister, but who somehow escaped and got home! She gives them tiny amounts of info, but more useful than that is the guy that follows Shleila to their house. They end up in a wild chase through some cornfield when Sean takes his ass and then injects him with wtfever needle he has on his person. He immediately gets really old and dies.
Kinda like what’s happening to me as I’m trying to write this…
We’re down to the last episode before the break, which was fully of nothing but more semi-reveals that hardly make sense. Shleila track down the crazy ward where the little girls are being held. They manage to find their way to the basement, only to see that all the little girls are gone!!!
Stevie B and Soulless go off the grid, and Stevie kills anyone that knew of his plans. He and Soulless then give the green light to a bunch of people at a missile silo. Uh oh! Mr P tries to play politics with the leader of whatever Middle Eastern nation the silo is located, but no dice. The missile launches, but it goes into outer space! And it’s a satellite!! And it’s transmitting a signal away from earth!!
Back in the basement of the crazy ward, Shleila stumble across a pile of burned files. Luckily some of these files weren’t burned. They’re files of Others. Among them is, yes, Michael Fucking Buchanan. So he’s an other!
So where we are left, as of now, is wondering how the hell these others that settled down haven’t been found out, since they don’t age. Maybe, as some suggested, they’ve told their significant others. So I guess I can buy that for MFB. But what about the zombie outbreak? Not to be too scientific, but a 1% difference in DNA is a lot (as has been mentioned on the show), so we’re going to believe that the zombie disease just so happens to affect others and humans the same?
And what’s with the latest commercial? Sophia said earlier that they couldn’t stay here any longer…that they were going home. But now the commercials are saying they’re “taking earth back.” HUH?!? I’m starting to get a horrifyingly LOST-esque we-don’t-know-wtf-we’re-writing feeling.