The Ev3nt: Your Sex is on Fire

This week on The Ev3nt, Mr P makes a choice that violates human rights, Sophia vows revenge on humanity for killing her son, and there was more backstabbing than a typical episode of Gossip Girl.

Ok, so sorry this is a day late! An interesting series of Ev3nts led to me spending my Sunday lying on the couch…almost all day…and I couldn’t get the energy to finish…I swear, this never happens to me!!

The episode starts off right where we left off last week. We see Stevie’s bus blow up, and Sophia’s all like “oh, hell no…prepare for ludicrous speed!!!”

They’ve gone plaid! Or blue. Whatever…

I find it amusing how some of the people on the bus are making it seem like the portal just is causing them to go really, really fast, like warp speed, and others are just hanging out because, well, it’s a portal, which has nothing to do with speed. But whatever. I mean, if their “portal” technology was nothing more than an FTL speed booser, this bus would’ve been pulverized by the first solid object it came across. Not to mention the roadkill…shut up, nerd…

Anyways, back at the White House, Weasel tells Simon “good work” on helping blow up his people. But Weasel is still pretending he doesn’t know, while rubbing salt in the very open wound.

I’ve made a huuuuuge mistake.

The best part of all this to me is that Simon hasn’t done shit to help catch The Others, recently. I wonder if it’s even occurring to him to question why he’s being congratulated repeatedly for shit that he had literally nothing to do with. But I guess he’s too emotionally crushed right now to really be thinking all that clearly.

Weasel and Mr P decide it’s time to flush Simon out. Weasel tells Simon that they’ve picked up some electromagnetic readings on satellites and may be able to pinpoint the portal array and the bus full of people!

Simon takes the bait hook, line, and sinker, and runs off to call Sophia to warn her. Weasel is all ready to trace the call. Simon starts to dial his phone, when suddenly he hears the vibrator he keeps in his desk drawer turn on and start buzzing!! Wait, check that, it’s actually a secret cell phone hidden under his desk! The caller has scrambled his voice, but the message is clear. Simon, it’s time to GTFO.

He’s no Sean Walker…

Simon heads out of his office, and down the hallway, following the instructions given by the mystery-caller. Somehow no one thinks that he’s maybe he’s trying to get away, until it’s too late…and Simon hops into the car that was left for him, and it’s not a black SUV! But then the voice tells him he’ll have to switch cars, and that there’s a black SUV waiting for him. Sigh…

INTRO!!!

Mr P has had time to review the profiles of the people aboard the two busses he blew up, and has noticed that these people have completely infiltrated our society. In order to root them out, Mr P wants to test everyone’s DNA. Everyone in all of America. This seems like an easy thing to do.

Mr P calls in Sen. Whats-her-name because she used to be a doctor, and worked with the CDC some. He wants her to suggest how they could do such a thing. Also, this kind of thing would apparently have to start in Congress. She comes up with an idea on the spot – lie to everyone and tell them a drug-resistant strain of TB has been discovered, and they will all need to report to centers for mandatory screening. Mr P likes the idea, and tells her to get moving on it.

Mr P decides they should start the program in the White House, Weasel doesn’t seem to like the idea. He tells the senator to report all of her findings directly to him. Chief of Staff Shatmypants also doesn’t seem very fond of the idea of her reporting directly to Mr P.

Leila wakes up on this awful floral couch and notices she suddenly feels very alone.

Also, seriously, who fucking decorated this place?

She gets up and walks around, and heads outside trying to find her dad. She goes for a walk through the little community the Others live in, and suddenly this big dude comes out of nowhere when she starts approaching the gates. He’s all smiles and tells her she’s going the wrong way, and tells her that he was asked to look after her. She gets creeped out and heads back.

Sophia goes upstairs in her house, and looks at a picture of Stevie B. Despite the fact that he tried to kill her on MULTIPLE occasions, she starts crying. She then heads downstairs, to where everyone is waiting. She tells them that after witnessing the slaughter of her people, the oath is off. Wait, what? Bitch, you killed over 70 people with that Washington Monument stunt alone. Ok, let’s review the facts.

People from another planet crash-land here on Earth. Those people refuse to tell us anything regarding their purpose here, so we detain them. Meanwhile, their leader jockeys for their freedom on the platform of “We come in peace,” yet does not bother to mention that a majority of her people live among our society, which, due to the secrecy, can really only be viewed as “getting into position.” Then their leader’s asshole son decides to start playing terrorist, and eventually makes it clear that he’s planning to take over the WORLD!!! Their leader tells our leader that she does not support her son, and that she’s doing what she can to stop him, but refuses to give any information. Still. And THEN, when we do our job and track her crazy ass son down, he’s having a meeting with her, and she refuses to surrender. Instead, she brings down the Washington Monument, killing 70+ people in an attempt to scare us into leaving her people alone. For all we know, her people are responsible for Rebecca Black.

You sons of bitches…

Sophia, you crazy-ass bitch. You’ve had about 40 different opportunities to actually make everything ok, but instead you’ve fucked us at every turn. You want to act like we’re the bad guys?

I used to kinda like this character…but I don’t really like the direction they’re taking her. I think it would’ve made more sense to kill her off and have Stevie taking the reins for real if you wanted a war.

Sorry for that rant, it created an unnecessary wall of text…anyways, the basic point is she’s gone off the deep end and has decided to bring her people to Earth, by any means necessary. Which is basically what her son was doing all along. Sigh.

So, back to France. Vicky’s French Connection is briefing Sean and Vicky on Darth Flower’s situation. He tells them that the guy is staying in some fancy chateau, which will be heavily guarded, but there’s a secret service road that will take them right to the backyard. Sean agrees that it sounds like a good plan.

Vicky stops in to Sean’s room and asks what he’s planning on doing once he’s gotten to Flowers. Sean, in a moment of optimistic weakness, says he’ll hand Flowers over to the French Police. Moment? What the hell am I talking about. I’m surprised this guy hasn’t tried to catch bullets while parasailing from a train. With tigers. Vicky point out that this guy has billions of dollars and is universally respected, and Sean is still wanted for the murder of Bro. In fact, at one point she says he’s “no one.” She tells him that the only way to end this and have justice is to kill Flowers.

Like “kill” kill? Don’t you think I can maybe just show him pictures of bunnies and rainbows and he’ll turn himself in?

Sean then decides that since he’s about to have to choke a bitch, he’d better do something to balance out his Karma. He deactivates that little program that would have exposed Vicky’s family, and tells her she’s free to go. That he did it because she’s gotten him here, but she has a family, and he has nothing.

Cut to Flowers, who’s checking in on his archaeological prizes. The new PhD that he’s got working for him tells him that he’s translating the text on the urns, and they tell the story of a tribe of guardians. “Sentinals,” Flowers corrects him. He then tells the guy that they’ve gotten what they need from the urns, and touches it with his bare hand…and the PhD flips out and tells him not to do that not never! So Flowers is all like “oh, does it bother you when i touch these? Well then you’ll really love my next move…”

HULK SMASH!!!!1!!!

Inside the urn is a scroll, which Flowers just grabs with his bare hands. This guy is very single-minded. I mean, I guess he’s convinced that he’s one of these Sentinels, and these scrolls are probably instructions meant for only him, but good lord, they’d probably crumble if mishandled, and shouldn’t he be more careful to make sure he doesn’t destroy them before he understands them?

Back at French Connection’s, Sean loads up the car, starts it up, and is about to leave when Vicky hops in. She tells him that she’s coming anyways, to kill the fool that made her do all the bad things.

Back to the White House, and Mr P is finally giving his press release. This is the problem with this show…it’s just a little too uptight. It has a great opportunity, but doesn’t take it, and so now it’s left to me.

“You may take monuments, you may take lives, but you will never take from us the God-given right that is our liberty FREEEEEEEEDOOOOMMMMM!!!!”

I mean, shit, guys.

Anyways, Mr P’s wife seems very concerned with the whole mandatory screening for TB thing that’s going around. She’s worried about lack of a news conference, so Mr P tells her the real deal. Brilliant. She really flips her shit. She points out that whole “they can never take our freedom” thing he just said and how this is directly against it, so the terrorists have already won. Mr P can’t believe she’s come into his office to question him…

“For the LAST time…you’ve entered my office without beer and waffles for the LAST FUCKING TIME!!! Do it again…see what happens!!”

She storms away like “I don’t even know you…” I swear, guys, I was totally right about this crazy bitch. If it turns out that I’m wrong, I’m gonna be so pissed, because I know I’m right!

Back at The Community, Sophia and Simon spend some time gazing at the stars and discussing the depths of human (or Other) emotion. Simon expresses his displeasure with Sophia’s plan…particularly the part involving “making room” for the 2 billion Others. Sophia, sensing that Simon isn’t totally on board, insists that he swears his loyalty to her. Thankfully for him, she stops short of asking Simon to shoot himself in the knee.

At another house within the Community, Leila is yelling at MFB because she doesn’t like the big black dude watching her. I think it’s the smile…I found it quite unsettling, too, so I understand. Simon hears the shouting and decides now is a good time to stop by. He comes right out and tells MFB that he isn’t ok with Sophia’s plan, and that he wants to leave. He appeals to MFB’s emotions, what with the whole Sleeping with the “Enemy” thing, to sway him. They make plans to depart in the morning. Simon really is a noble guy.

Sean and Vicky are driving down the road en route to Darth Flower’s chateau. Sean is kinda having trouble breathing normally…I think it’s the nerves.

“What was it I said last week? ‘I’m more of a man than you, Walker.’ Yeah, that sounds about right…”

Anyways, she tells Sean he’ll get through it…the whole killing thing…but it’s tough…and she seems to be a little sympathetic. Aw, the softer side of Vicky. Anyways, they turn off the road onto the service road, but it’s a dead end! Vicky goes to do some exploring, and all of a sudden cars show up! With bad guys! With guns!!! Sean is pinned down behind the car, and Vicky takes cover behind a tree. She takes out a few guys, and Sean shoots wildly and doesn’t hit anything, and then Vicky is captured by a couple of the guys!! She knows she has to save Sean, so she tells him to do the one thing we all know he’s good at, and that he’ll do without thinking twice!!

RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!! RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!

So, of course, Sean obliges. He runs from a car, but doesn’t bother running into the woods with trees everywhere! Instead, he employs the age-old trick of jumping into a ditch and climbing out the other side and hoping the driver doesn’t notice that THE ROAD CONTINUES STRAIGHT and crashes into the ditch. At like 15 gorram mph. And dies…or is rendered unconscious. And that is why you always wear your seatbelt…

I mean seriously, what kind of professional security is this? Geez, guys.

Vicky is paraded in to Darth Flowers’s chateau. He tells her that he’s part of a long line of Sentinels sent to protect us from The Others, so he and Vicky are technically on the same side, she just doesn’t know it. He then asks how Sean is able to circumvent all obstacles placed in his way…she doesn’t answer. He tells the goon to kill her, and returns to his work.

Please, oh please, provide me with a “Sean, I am your (grand)father” moment next episode!!!

French Connection returns to his home, very smugly pleased with himself and admiring a bottle of wine. Of course he is, he’s French. Where’s the cheese and croissant? Well, his pleasure soon becomes pain…

Dull, ringing, steely pain.

IN THA FAAAAAAAACCCEEEEEEE!

Sean ties him up to a chair, and then starts throwing his presumeably expensive bottle of wine in his face to wake him up. It looked like a red, but his clothes don’t appear stained!! Sean tells him that he’d better tell him where they took Vicky, or he’ll wish he was dead.

Back with Mr P, Senator Lewis (ugh I need a nickname for her, I just had assumed she was a one-and-done and I’m now caught with my pants around my ankles here…) tells him that she has a guy at the CDC who’s now adding dummy reports of a drug-resistant TB outbreak to their database, which will mimic the start of a pandemic. Also, she tells him that with a little persuasion, everyone who has White House clearance has signed the agreement to be tested. Except for his wife! DUN DUN DUN!!!! Mr P makes excuses for her, and tells Sen Lewis that they don’t have to test her. She objects, but he tells her to back off, so she does, because he’s still the P.

Sean is trying his hand at torture….he starts off by punching FC in the face, but after that hurts his hand, he shifts gears…and is all like

Stop!! Hammer Time!!!

He takes a hammer to FC’s hands. FC screams in agony after the first blow, and Sean makes a hilarious face…

This is somewhere between “I pooped the bed!” and “I JUST SHOT MARVIN IN THA FACE!!”

Sean proceeds to nearly vomit, and then French Connection finally shows his dark side and spits blood at Sean and says whatever it was that Materazzi said to Zidane that prompted this…

…je ne sais pas…

Sean looses his cool and treats torture like a 16 year olds treat sex. It’s brief, it’s painful, and it’s only good for one of them…

FC caves and tells Sean where Vicky is. Sean drops the hammer, literally this time, and walks out.

Back in The Community, Simon is loading the car for a family vacation. MFB stops by, and Simon notices that Leila isn’t there. He tells MFB that he can’t leave Leila alone here, and MFB tells him that she won’t be alone.

I’m fucked…I’m fucked, aren’t I?

A couple dudes with guns come up and Simon tries to get away, but the pistol-whip the fuck out of him and kick him while he’s down. Then Sophia comes up and is like “is this your idea of loyalty?” and we’re all like “groan, bitch, shut it…”

She tells him she’s merely adapting to changing circumstances, and he tells her he won’t stand by while she commits mass genocide. She says “then today I’ve lost a second son…” Wait, what?!? Asian Dean Cain is the son of some pale redhead?!? Or does she just call all of her followers her son? They stick him in the back of a car, and drive off…but Leila does what Leila always does. She watches, actionless, from a safe distance.

“…if only someone else was here…they’d know what to do…”

The last little bit we get involves Flowers and his stupid stone table with all the lines cut in it. He picks up a piece…which may or may not belong to someone important…and throws it into the fire. But it’s stone, so…

Speaking of Fire, Vicky is tied up and writhing (under any other circumstances I’d be SO into this) as the bald thug sets the house on fire…

That Vicky…she’s so hot right now!

The bald dude lights one more match and just casually tosses it against the drapes. I love how in TV people throw matches like 10 feet, and not only do the .5g pieces of wood actually fly that far easily, but they stay on fire every time! I need to learn this trick.

Mr P walks into a room where his wife is apparently planning a dinner party. He stops and stares at her for a long time before finally walking off. He’s got one of those “I’ve made a huge mistake” looks on his face.

That’s all for this week! Sorry again this is so late!!!