The Ev3nt: Zombies On Your Lawn!

This week on The Ev3nt, the pounding timpanis may as well have been replaced with Mr P’s clanging balls, and Sean Jedi mind tricks the shit out of Vicky. The story opens up with a scene out of 28 days later. Wait, you say…this is a show about aliens, not zombies…right? Well, first, every show is potentially a show about zombies. All it would’ve taken is Norm eating one bad cheeseburger and people would’ve remembered Cheers totally differently. Second…

Not zombies? Are you sure?

If this doesn’t scream “ZOMBIE” to you, I fear your chances of surviving the apocalypse are very slim.

Unfortunately for all of us, they didn’t invest a lot of money in the actors who play the victims of the plane crash, and we’re treated to about 2 full minutes of tragically bad acting.

In DC, the Asian doctor is telling Mr P that she has no way of treating something they can’t detect and don’t understand. Bring in Greg House already…he may start with thinking it’s Lupus, but by God he’ll figure out eventually how to eliminate the extra-terrestrial infection, and he’ll do it while belittling everyone else on the show…and they NEED it. Especially these patients!!

Just then, Stevie B calls in to talk with Mr P…he just calls the “White House switchboard.” Ah, yes…of course. They transfer Stevie to the war room, where Mr P takes the call. He tells Mr P that he’ll let all of the passengers die if Sophie & friends aren’t released. Mr P tells him to fuck off, and receives warning that the passengers only have 2 hours to live.

I wonder if bad guys in real life also stand in ominous lighting, too, when making demands…

Cut.

Flash back to the crash site, where Sophia sends Steve and everyone who can walk away from the crash so they’re not all captured and imprisoned. He doesn’t want to leave her behind, but Simon steps in and they head out. After what was probably a lot of walking, Stevie and Simon and friends stumble across what appear to be some abandoned barracks. Simon and Steve go to check it out, and they notice that our technology is far behind theirs.

Cut.

Back in DC, Weasel is trying to convince Mr P that he can’t cave into the demands, but clearly Mr P already knows we don’t negotiate with terrorists. Mr P calls for a recess, and Simon steps outside to call Stevie and try to convince him to change his mind. Stevie won’t back down, no he won’t back down…you could stand him up at the gates of Hell but he won’t back down…

Back in Snyder, Leila is still trying to reach Sean. The old cop sympathizes with her for a moment, and she comments on his family based on photographs on his desk. He goes back into the room with Vicky and the other dude and reminds them that since this is an actual police station, the three of them will have to skidaddle prior to the sun coming up. Vicky is 100% sure Sean will show up. This may be a bit less likely considering Sean’s phone is dead…

She’s standing in the shadows, as well, which just reinforces our belief that she’s not a good person.

Cut.

Flash back to 5 years ago. While Sean was busy laughing at Leila for not being able to swim, Vicky was assassinating entire families. Some dude tells her that their orders have been expanded to include taking out the entire family.

Still in the shadows, and this time she’s diving under bullets and shooting people!!

After running and gunning for a minute, Vicky hears something. It sounds like crying!!! Oh, man, who woke the baby?!? Vicky stands over the crib, and we’re all like “well, this will determine if she’s really evil…” But then we remember her kid in the present looks to be about 5, and where would a busy superspy find the time to make a baby?

Sean calls his friend who apparently used to be a fellow computer hacker from a gas station, and begs him to search for Vicky’s number. His friend is hesitant, but after telling him that Leila may be killed without his help, the guy finally agrees. He runs a trace but at the moment, there’s no luck. Maybe her phone is turned off…at the gas station he finally buys a phone charger, and when he gets back in the car he hears Leila’s message.

As it turns out, Snyder isn’t too far away, so Sean and chick agent turn around and head back that way. Sean calls the Snyder PD and to tell Leila he’s on the way, and they have an emotional phone reunion. Just as she hangs up the phone, the screensaver on the computer at the cop’s old desk comes up, and it’s the same family that the old cop claimed as his own earlier, only with someone different!!! He’s lying to her!!! Leila starts putting the pieces together!

More giveaway shadows!!!

She asks if she can go to the bathroom, and plans a daring escape. She turns on the water and the electric hand dryer, picks up a trash can, and smashes out the window! She’s almost out, but the coppers come busting in and grab her ass!!!

Literally.

They then take her and throw her in a room with a bunch of files, and lock the door!

We get another glimpse of the prisoners, who clearly don’t have long.

Mr P’s wife walks into his office and starts talking to him about the dying passengers and the alien terrorists, and he tells her that Steve Buscemi claims to have a cure. She asks if he believes the guy, but how can you with those bug eyes and that creepy voice? He tells her that even if he did, it wouldn’t matter, and she starts to try to involve herself in the decision.

Seriously, lady…you’re his wife. You’re not an elected official, nor appointed by Mr P himself. He brought you in with him, and clearly, since you’re all like “zomg no you can’t let them die!!” you have no idea what to do in this situation. We don’t negotiate with terrorists! Everyone knows this!! However, she gives him the

“I can’t believe you’re even considering this” face

She tells him that he sounds like Weasel, and he finally mans up and tells her to STFU. You can’t please everyone all the time, but when you’re married, the one person you can’t ever seem to please is your wife, so why try when the fate of the world is in your hands?

Mr P goes back into the conference room, where apparently Stevie B is on hold. He tells Mr Buscemi not to bother with the antidote, because he’s not releasing anyone. BAAAAALLLLLLS of steel! He then tells Stevie that if even one passenger dies, he’s going to execute EVERY one of the detainees.

“And then you can go to your room and think about what you’ve done!”

Steve tries to call his bluff, and Mr P merely tells him he’s wrong and hangs up the phone!! Holy crap!!!

Cut.

Back in the 40s, Simon has finally tracked down Mr Buscemi.

He’s looking very George McFly…

It turns out that Stevie B is what gave us nuclear power, not Albert Einstein! WOW SPOILARZ! That just fucked with every history class I’ve ever taken!!

Cut.

Back in Mr P’s office, Weasel comes in and informs Mr P that when the facility at Inostranka was built, they included a mass-execution feature. I guess that’s a nice thing to have built in, right? Mr P seems uneasy about the idea of offing all 96 prisoners, especially through the use of something like this which has been built into the actual facility…probably because it would seem a bit…how do you say? Ah yes…premeditated.

Simon is telling Sophia about what’s about to happen, and after some convincing that both Steve B and Mr P actually do have their wangs out on the table and are on the verge of bringing in a ruler, she tells him that he needs to make sure Stevie understands that the instruction to release the antidote is an order from her…

Simon tracks down Stevie, and tries to talk some sense into him. He tells Simon he’s done taking orders from Sophie, and he’s not releasing the antidote. Simon punches him right in his stupid face, and tells him he’s sentencing his people to death.

From the shadows, our villain considers the possibility that he may have been wrong.

Back in the Snyder PD, Vicky and the other dude walk into Leila’s room. The dude gets a bit butt-hurt when Leila isn’t impressed with Vicky’s “back from the dead” act. They then go all James Bond villain and tells her all about their diabolical plan to use her to lure Sean to them.

Cut.

Vicky is having a conversation with someone who is presumably her boss in the park. She seems upset about the whole being ordered to kill a baby thing, but when he asks, she tells him it was all done just as he asked. Except then she goes home, and sure enough baby Adam is asleep in a crib right by her bed. Stunning…

Cut.

Sean and chick agent are pulling up to the police station. Vicky’s partner tells her that he’s got his rifle and could end this whole deal right then and there, but apparently their orders are to be discrete so they need to wait until Sean and the chick get inside to kill them. Apparently a silenced rifle and then moving their bodies isn’t discrete enough…

Sean gets all ready to barge in, when his buddy calls back!! Vicky is apparently in Snyder, too, at the Police Station!!! Well, that’s not surprising to us, but it shocks the fuck out of Sean. He can’t figure it out, but chick agent goes all Admiral Ackbar…

Sean just starts panicking the second chick agent tells him they’ve gotta go. Finally it clicks, and he remembers that he took that handy dandy photo a little ways back. He’s super duper glad that AT&T finally added MMS messaging to their iPhones a year ago, and sends Vicky a picture of her kid, and threatens to post the picture and her address all over the interwebs if she doesn’t help him bust Leila out.

Honestly, how the shit is he going to post photos of the kid and stuff if he runs in there and she kills him?!? Anyways, chick agent stays in the car, but gives Sean a gun. Sean runs into the police station, but Vicky pulls a gun on him!! Sean’s all like “that wasn’t part of the deal, wtf!!” but then she starts shooting the cops!

Chick agent hears the shooting, and so she jumps out of the car to run inside and get herself killed, but Vicky’s partner on the roof shoots at her with his rifle! He’s a terrible shot to miss with a rifle like that from this range. I mean, really bad. Like any kid who’s ever had a fucking BB gun could have made that shot. Holy shit, dude, go back to training wheels already.

Chick agent realizes how bad of a shot he is, and decides to take him on with her 9mm. LOL, if it weren’t for the fact that she’s facing off with a fucking stormtrooper, that’d be the worst idea in history!!

Vicky tells Sean where Leila is, and he runs through the gunfire and starts running down the hallway screaming for her. Finally he finds her, and they’re reunited! Vicky runs back out of the main room to some room with a window view just as chick agent’s bullet finds a new home in Vicky’s partner’s body, and he falls off the agent. As he’s lying on the ground, he looks in the window and sees Vicky helping the wrong team!!

Busted!

So Sean grabs Leila and they run out the front of the building, and Vicky sees them and just lets them leave. They jump in the car with chick agent and haul ass! Vicky makes a call back to her bosses and makes up a story about how Sean came in with many FBI agents, and then walks outside to find her dead partner…who magically got up and walked away. So now she knows she’s fucked, which means maybe she’ll switch to team good-guy, which I’d totally appreciate.

Back in DC, Weasel tells Mr P that the termination protocol is ready, but Mr P wants to wait one more minute. Thankfully he does, and Stevie B calls in and tries to bluff him out one more time, but Mr P is having none of it. Just like the Grinch’s heart, Mr P’s balls have grown three sizes today.

Steve B makes a deal with Mr P to release Sophia as a sign of good faith in exchange for the antidote. Steve lays out the terms of Sophia’s release, and arranges for the antidote to be sent to the CDC. Sophia is driven to the train station, and Mr P calls her to tell her to get her dog back on its leash…

Back at the CDC, zombie-itis has been cured pretty quickly, and it seems that everyone is returning to health. Our random passengers, the shitty flight attendant, the world’s dumbest air-marshall, and Michael Fucking Buchanan all wake up.

Sophia hops her train at the Metro station, but doesn’t look entirely happy…

Mr P’s wife comes in, and apparently someone filled her in on how he got the antidote, and she starts scolding them again. She asks him if he would’ve gone through it, and he deftly attempts to dodge the question. She keeps pushing for an answer, and he doesn’t seem pleased.

“Woman, I  see neither waffles nor beer in your hands. I thought we’d talked about this. You only get to come in this room if you’re bringing me waffles or beer, and yet you have neither.”

She gives him the “I’m very disappointed” look, and tells him to take their kid to school.

I’m starting to wonder if perhaps she’s one the others…