The Event: When Are We?!?

“What is The Event?” This is the question that mankind has been asking itself for at least the last 4 months, though NBC would have you believe that the question has been on the tip of our tongues for at least the last 4 generations. The Event is shrouded in as much mystery as it is in deception; met as much as much with fear as it is with awe; received with as much confusion as…well…confusion. While The Event as an event is still obscured, The Event as a TV show began from chaos. And we hope that from chaos comes understanding, eventually, or this is going to be a long season of TV.

The following takes place between 2pm and 3pm…wait, what?!?

At 2:00pm on some day of some year, there’s complete and utter panic and chaos at a very lovely looking seaside party. Obviously something important is going on here, as the press is around. Things start going very wrong, and the reporters start to scatter like the cockroaches they are until static takes over.

Cut.

23 minutes earlier, in what appears to be the Miami airport, a plane is preparing for departure. As the stewardess flight attendants prepare for departure, they find a young, pale man in the bathroom. He’s either super nervous or just threw up. We see he halfway stuffed a bag into the trash.

This makes me feel very uncomfortable if our flight crews, after having undergone their anti-terrorism training, don’t notice this…

As he returns to his seat, lots of men – presumably airport security – are running through the terminal. The pieces are coming together – bag in the trash + nervous white guy = drugs or terrorist plot. The security men seem to be in a hurry to get to the gate for that plane, which is hilarious since your average person has at least 2 different ways to get in touch with them crammed into one device. Maybe call the pilot? If that fails, maybe call the security vehicles that I trust are on the ground at the airport? Just spitballin’ here…

There’s a slamming sound, and our young, pale, sweaty friend jumps. The flight attendant thinks it’s cute. This is the same guy your buddy just found in the bathroom stuffing a sack that could’ve contained anywhere from a half-eaten bologna sandwich to a bomb in the trash chute! HIM BEING JUMPY IS NOT CUTE!!

The plane pulls away from the gate, and immediately is on the runway. WTF airport is this?!? No 30 minute wait for an open runway? Clearly not O’Hare or Hartsfield. Our pale/sweaty/nervous friend looks out the window and sees a black SUV – the kind generally reserved for FBI and other such important people – racing down a road adjacent to the airport. He gets more nervous!!!

…because the FBI has yet to learn that black, unmarked vehicles are actually the EASIEST vehicles to spot.

The SUV appears to be gaining on the plane! Apparently that is one fast fucking SUV (I googled airplane takeoff speeds as this was happening, and the average passenger airplane takes off between 150-180mph, or 242-290 kmph). Jack Bauer must be driving! No one else could alter space/time like this!

Cut.

A little girl is playing with a ball in a house. She’s counting how many times she can consecutively bounce it. 11 DAYS EARLIER. Earlier than what, though? I assume that the plane crashing is probably the baseline date/time for this episode? This assumption will come in handy in the near future.

Poor man’s Kate Hudson (zomg it’s the girl from Fired Up! I’m the only one who even knows what that is!!!) is packing for a cruise. Mom comes in and tells us her name is Leila, and delivers a sweater to her and warns her that it gets chilly on the cruise ships at night. Leila folds it and sticks it in her bag.

We! Are packing! WE! WE! Are PACKING!

The little girl bouncing the ball wants to come, but Leila tells her that she’ll have to wait until next time, because she has to watch Mom & Dad this time. Cute.

Now we see nervous/pale/sweaty guy walking down beside a house with some moderately older guy. They start talking, and reveal that nervous/pale/sweaty guy is actually named Sean. The other reveal is that he’s dating the older dude’s daughter. Sean asks for hopeful-dad-in-law’s blessing to marry his daughter, and I guess the assumption is that older guy’s daughter is Leila.

Blessing granted, you lucky SOB.

They load into dad’s fancy new Mercedes and are off for the cruise!

Cut.

Back to sweaty Sean on the airplane. He keeps nervously leaning forward and looking out the window! Suspicious! The airplane takes off! It looks fake! Is that The Event? That we got an airplane to put next to Lost’s submarine in the museum of shitty CG?

Sean breathes a heavy sigh of relief. Then, as the plane is still climbing in altitude, he unbuckles his seatbelt! OMG rule breaking! Then he stands up!!! THEN he ignores the flight attendant when she tells him he needs to sit down! He’s getting worse by the second!!! THEN he goes all

INTRO!!!!!!

Why is the 2nd “e” in “event” backwards in the title? Is THAT the event? The day the alphabet turned around?

Cut.

Simon Lee is racing down the road in a BLACK SUV. DOTS CONNECTED! Who is Simon Lee? No idea…we only know it’s Simon Lee because instead of finding clever ways to work character’s names into conversation, they just give them name tags.

What you can’t tell from this picture is that he’s basically an Asian Dean Cain.

So Simon is racing through the streets of a currently unknown city and calls an air traffic controller at (presumably) the Miami airport and instructs him to stop an airplane because there’s a terrorist on board. Is he driving the black SUV that was chasing Sean’s plane? Guys? When are we?!?

He’s yelling at the air traffic controller about how he doesn’t have time to explain anything, and decides to alter his tactics from “a terrorist is on board” to “there’s a bomb on the plane,” and the controller has no choice except to stop the plane.

Cut.

Mount Inostranka, Alaksa. There’s snow everywhere, and some buildings. This is very “Shadow Moses.” I expect to see guards patrolling in a very predictable pattern, and exclamation marks to appear above their heads anytime they notice something out of place.

It’s 13 months earlier. Simon Lee is talking to someone. He’s talking to a lady in a coat. He found someone that they’d been looking for, but whoever that someone is is apparently not happy to be found. Apparently, this mystery man is going to tell “them” about The Event. This doesn’t go over well with the lady…she tells him to convince him by any means necessary.

The discussion continues with Simon questioning the decision to not tell “them” (is “them” “us”?) anything, because “they” need to be prepared. I find the pronoun usage to be both confusing an irritatingly cheap method of creating said confusion. Simon presses, and tells her that there’s a new president in the White House, that he’s a good man (lol right like THAT’S ever happened), and that he may help them.

Cut.

Simon is back to hauling ass through the city in his black SUV, still yelling at the controller to stop the plane. The tower can’t get in touch with the airplane, and now the shit is really hitting the fan.

He’s also putting on a clinic on why you shouldn’t talk on your cell while driving…

Communications seem to be all kinds of fucked, and then all of a sudden, on one of the screens in the background…

LOL! If I didn’t know better I’d think I photoshopped that in!!!

Well, it’s all coming together. The black SUV WAS Simon, and the airplane contains Sean. Simon challenges Sean to a race, and crashes through the chain link fence, which is apparently the only thing between the highway and the airport runways. That’s great, so I have to stand in security for a fucking hour to board my flight, but this asshole just drives through a flimsy fence?

Do you think he remembered to remove his laptop from it’s case and put it in a separate bin?

There’s super intense music, and the SUV is gaining ground, and right when you think Simon may actually stop the plane, the pilot pushes the turbo button and gtfo’s. Simon then proceeds to slam on the brakes for absolutely no reason other than to waste 4 perfectly good tires. Sean gets up and walks to the front of the plane and pulls the gun!!!  But this time there’s more!!

Sean bangs on the cockpit door and tells whoever’s in there that he doesn’t have to do this, and they can talk this out and figure it through and then a couple of big dudes come up and he turns the gun on them and is all like

Nobody be a hero today!

He turns back to the flight attendant and starts yelling at her, and asks how to get in the cockpit, which she’s clearly not going to tell a guy screaming hysterically and brandishing a firearm…she tells him that he can talk to the pilot on the convenient telephone, and he picks it up and has a little conversation with a mystery man. He tells the man in the cockpit that it’s not too late, but they have to act “now.” Shit, when is “now,” again? 11 minutes earlier? Except now that time has passed, it’s only like 7 minutes earlier?

He starts spazzing out on the door, and out of nowhere some Billy Bob Thorton motherfucker pulls a gun on him and announces himself an air marshall.

Put down the gun and get me some french friend potaters…

Sean responds with the brilliant and ever so underused “this isn’t what it looks like,” which buys him the 2nd asking of “put the gun down” that Billy Bob told him he wouldn’t grant.

Cut.

Eight Days earlier, and we’re on a boat. This must be the cruise that Leila and Sean are going on! Sean, being super sneaky, is apparently lying around just looking at the ring he bought, concealing it neatly within a paperback book.

She’s coming back from the water, precious, put us away!!

So they take off to go on some hike, which I would assume since they’re on a cruise would probably be some kind of guided excursion to, ya know, to reduce the risk of people maybe not getting back to the boat before it leaves. Apparently on this cruise, however, one just wanders around willy-nilly and just hopefully makes it back on time. Also, hasn’t anyone seen The Perfect Getaway or anything? There’s probably at least 3 axe-wielding psycho torture-killers on this island alone!!

So Sean rambles on and on and is just fumbling through this whole speech about how they always talk about getting away from everything but never do and everyone can see where this is going and we’re collectively shouting at the TV “Hey asshole! 1 knee! Ring! It’s that simple!! Just do it already!”

Oh…hahah…duh…

But then right before he pops the question, there’s shouting!! Someone is screaming for help!!! His girlfriend fell off a cliff and is in the ocean drowning!!!! And he can’t help because his arm’s broken!!! This is why we don’t let people wander so far away from the cruise ship!!! So Sean does the only sensible thing and takes off his shirt. Oh, right…and then takes like a 2 step running start and leaps out into the ocean off this 50 foot high cliff, and barely avoids smashing to bits on the rocks. He swims out and saves her just in time!

So of course the four of them become fast friends, because that’s what you do when someone saves you or your girlfriend from drowning. You don’t go back to your room and hump like you realize it could be your last time…you just sit on the beach with total strangers talking about how you were just trying to lean over the edge to take a picture and just fell. Which makes me wonder, since Sean barely cleared the rocks with his running leap, how did this girl not explode into little bits?

Guys, let’s be BBFs…Best Bros Forever

Leila wanders off to talk to her folks, and the girl leans in to tell Sean how cute she is, and we’re all like “yay threesome!” And then the bro with the cast is all like “she’s hot bro,” and we’re like “ew no devil’s threesome, bro.” And they make a pact to be BBF for like the rest of the cruise! And then they do shots!!

Sean and Leila get back to their room, and that crazy “we could die tomorrow” sex that they should’ve been having doesn’t happen because they’re too drunk, and we’re all like LOL foreshadowing!

Cut.

Back to the airplane, and Sean is still in a pickle. Billy Bob isn’t listening to him, and tells him to put his hands behind his back, when suddenly there’s a gunshot! And maybe Sean isn’t the bad guy?!? Billy Bob wants to know who’s in the cockpit! We do too!

Cut.

SHIT!!!!

Ok, we’re now at a nice little seaside villa for the President’s son’s birthday party! An ominous old white man comes up to the President (film and televisions Blair Underwood) and whispers sweet nothings into his ear, and they both run off together.

There’s a meeting between some important people who include the VP, the P, and a couple other dudes including some weasely little white dude with glasses and an angry looking black man who I remember most vividly as the rocket man from The Rock. Basically it sounds like they’re trying to talk him out of shutting down a facility (the one in Alaska, perhaps?), and then Weasel starts playing the reverse race card on him and is all like “since your family had it rough growing up, you’re clearly doing this against your better judgement” and we’re all like “politics must stay out of the gasm!!!”

Cut.

Thirteen months earlier. Seriously, this timeline is harder to follow than the one in the 5th season of LOST.

When are we?

The President is finding out about Shadow Mo–yeah, that reference is too geeky for most of you. The President is finding about the concentration camp of “them” … wait, no, “them” is us, the normal US public. I need a new pronoun! He’s finding out about the concentration camp of alleged human beings in Alaska. Weasel tells the President that he wasn’t informed of the facility because the info has always been on a need to know basis.

I am the president of the United States. I need to know. Kthxbai.

After learning that there are nearly 100 prisoners in this super secret facility that even he didn’t know about until the day before, Mr President immediately decides he must visit the facility and meet the others. He gets up there and is all “take me to your leader,” and so he’s introduced to Sophia. It’s the lady that was talking to Simon!

Cut.

Present day? News stations are all over the place. Sophia is in the villa, and the President is about to introduce her to the world it would seem. The press conference is about to begin, they’re just waiting for the VP to get there. One of the White House interns Secret Service girls asks where the VP is, and it turns out he left an hour ago! So did Weasel! This does not bode well.

Secret Service outside immediately start running everywhere because communications and radar apparently just cut out. The run into the President’s room and abduct him and Sophia and rush them out to their cars!

OMG The Event! It’s HUUUUUUUGE!!!

The airplane is coming straight for them! And the driver doesn’t step on the gas, everyone just sits and stares!!!

Cut.

Eight days earlier, and we’re at the Buchanan’s (Leila’s parents) house. And we get the same phone call from earlier, just heard from Dad’s side instead of Leila’s. Dad turns the TV off (again), and when we look closely, we see not only that it’s something about the President, but that he’s watching it on:

This is NBC’s grand scheme to get out of the network cellar…

Mom sends the little girl out to get her bike, and she gets kidnapped!!! Dad and Mom don’t know this has happened, and have a brief talk about how Mom needs to trust Sean more…Dad won’t say “because he’s going to be our in-law soon,” and it quickly turns into one of those “are you throwing a surprise party for me?” kind of conversations. That is, until guys with guns bust in and shoot their asses!!

Cut.

The music continues from the last scene, as a pilot walks through the airport and right onto an airplane. He walks down the dark tunnel to the airplane all in shadows, and right before he steps on the plane we see his face, and

It’s Dad!!!

Since it looks like he’s not yet dead, I guess knowing that his name is Michael is helpful. He introduces himself to the crew and his co, and shuts the door behind him! Sinister music!

Cut.

Sean and the air marshall are yelling at each other again. Sean explains that if they don’t get in the cockpit they’ll all be used as live bombs. He does this rather loudly, which is yet another poor tactical decision made by someone on the show. They try to get into the cockpit using the funny keypad, but the pilot overrides it!

Everyone starts screaming, and Sean looks out the window!

That is one huge seagull…

Cut.

Seven days earlier and there’s snorkeling. I guess this was one of the BBF plans that were made…except it’s weird because it’s only Sean and the girlfriend. Not his girlfriend. The bro’s girlfriend. So that’s weird. Scott and Bro’s GF laugh at how Leila would’ve loved this, but too bad she’s back on the cruise ship hung over.

Side note…how is this ok? This dude bails on the girl he’s about to propose to to go snorkeling with some super hot “new friend” while his soon-to-be-fiance is at home hung over? WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. Or if it did, she’d be gone when he got back…lol spoilarz…

So they go back to the boat and…Sean’s keycard doesn’t work. And Leila doesn’t open the door when he knocks. What’d I say? He goes to the desk to get a new key, and he’s not in their system! And when they look up his room number, it’s assigned to someone else!!! After much pleading, he convinces the guy at the desk to get security to let him in the room. And he gets there, and there are new people in the room! And no Leila!

Security man asks him to come down to the security office to “straighten things out,” and I don’t like where that’s going at all. He tries to call Leila, but the number isn’t in service!!! It’s like she never existed!!! So calls the Buchanan’s home, but there’s no answer because Mom is dead on the floor, daughter is abducted, and Dad is off learning how to hijack an airplane. Sean agrees to go with the security guard, but walks only a few steps before changing his mind and sprinting the other way.

He’s so confused right now that he doesn’t even remember he’s on a boat! Where’s he going to run to?!?!?

Apparently, regardless of the fact that he was on a boat and surrounded on all sides by water, Sean manages to escape the security, avoid any kind of incident that might get him flagged at airport security, and get on an airplane a few days later. I’m afraid we’ve underestimated his sneakiness….

Cut.

Back on the airplane, Sean is talking to Mike through the phone, trying to convince him to do the right thing.

At the party, the President is being evacuated. Strangely, the approaching airplane is causing everything to shake on the tables, and it’s blowing shit off tables, and I’m very confused by the physics at work here…

Sean tells Mike not to trust whoever told him to fly the airplane into the President. That’s a pretty solid rule of thumb in general. Mike does not listen. It would appear, though, that whoever instructed him to do this has Leila!

It’s really windy down on the ground!!

The plane is getting closer and closer! Then there’s a light! A bright light! And the plane just disappears!

A blinding white flash engulfs the plane!!! And then!!!

W…..T…..F…..

The episode ends on a cliffhanger, as Sophia appears to know exactly who saved us, and confesses to our handsomely heroic President that she hasn’t told him everything.

So, thoughts on the pilot? Episode, not the guy flying the plane! Bro and Bro’s GF were there to get Sean and Leila apart…one of them probably slipped something into her drink so she’d be sick the next day, right? VP and Weasel are clearly behind the attempt to off the President, so that’s no big reveal there. What’s gonna happen next week? What’s the Event? Who are the others?!?