The Fashion Show: Listen To The Picture!

Welcome back to The Fashion Show! We’re back in the apartment, and no one’s really missing New Wretchen that much. Her competitors agree that her dress looked like it was from Strawberry. Smug Mike’s also got some shit to talk about Cesar, the challenge winner. And oh, it’s classic. “It was a snow leopard print,” he says piously, “And there aren’t any snow leopards in Africa.” Wow, biting. That was the best you could come up with?

Smuggy, on the other hand – give him cardboard and duct tape, and he can make something out of it. Let’s remember that he said this, cause it’s probably going to come up again.

They head out for the next challenge, and enter a dark room that looks like it was used on the set of Hostel. Iman comes in to welcome them to “Bodies: The Exhibition”. Most designers take their inspiration from the outside of the human body, but this time they’re looking within for inspiration. They are to design a complete collection inspired by the “inner workings of the body”.

Nothing says high fashion like blood and guts.

Of course Smuggy has a comment – he designs “body conscious” clothes. Well, that’s revolutionary. “Create something that will make my heart skip a beat,” quips Iman from a cue card.

Dominique thinks the inside of the human body could be an inspiration, in a gross, weird way. And then we get to Outerspace Greenpeace David. Who’s straight, remember? It’s okay if you didn’t, because he’s going to remind us. “I love the vagina,” he declares. Well, okay then. Thanks for sharing? “The female genitalia has a lot of holes,” he continues. And…busted. As a female, I can inform you that there is one hole. If you’re looking for other holes, maybe not so straight after all.

CalTran speaks of a “big ass silk chiffon that’s gonna hang out there ’til the end”. I know it’s CalTran, but “big ass” and “silk chiffon” do not belong in the same sentence, ever. Only Morris Day has the courage to speak the truth. He thinks it’s gimmicky.

Smuggy holds on to his stupid fedora and hops up on his high horse to talk about showing diversity. “Let me tell you something,” starts Cesar, which only prompts Smuggy to start insulting Cesar.

There are no snow leopards in Africa.

Whatever, House of Nami. Let’s get to the House Of Emerald Syxx and find out what CalTan has to say about this. Well, first let’s try and figure out what the hell Golnessa is wearing on her head.

Anyone?

Of course, CalTran’s already got ideas. And they involve nuclear explosions and madness. Naturally. And no one understands what the hell he’s talking about, although Tamara gets points for trying to understand in a calm way. But it includes these gems.

“If you want to win, you listen to me first.”

“You don’t even let me finish until the end!”

“Listen to the picture! Listen to the picture!”

“In the f*@cking blackground! I told you already!”

E6 is fighting, and Tamara mentions what a belligerent dictator CalTran is. Yes, and it’s really his most lovable quality. And then in comes Isaac. He hits House of Nami first, and suggests they head to his “office”, which seems to be a broom closet outfitted with a big window. Is anyone else annoyed by Isaac’s affected, faux British accent? Who does he think he is, Madonna?

Anyway, Isaac likey. He’s into the “progression of color”. There’s talk of flesh tones and layering and then Cesar steals the show with an idea of fringe that looks like capillaries. They hold hands and sing Kumbaya, and all this well planned vision crap is getting boring so let’s just see what E6 is up to.

They’re basically freaking out. “We don’t have a concept. We don’t even have a color!” they cry. Really? There aren’t many colors to choose from out of the human body. It’s pretty much flesh and blood and that’s it. Isaac zeroes in on the most important issue – and that’s their fashion house’s name. “Don’t you think it’s ironic that you’re Emerald Syxx when there’s only five of you?” he wants to know. Well, no I don’t think. Isaac clearly mis-learned the meaning of the word “ironic” from that stupid Alanis Morissette song.

So, they agree to change the name to House of Emerald. Then Isaac wants to see mood boards. Crickets. They got nothin’. “I don’t get the mood,” muses Isaac. His solution? Elect a head designer. Of course, CalTran is more than happy to step up, but Isaac wisely advises that they lose the dissention, which means that CalTran needs to learn to work with the group. No! Horrors! Never change! Morris sprays some sunshine out his ass, and talks about how they all need to work together. So he’s elected leader. “I can work with a devil, a saint, anyone,” he claims.

So, with Emerald in complete disarray, what’s the next logical step? A twist! And it’s a doozy. They must make one piece reversible. Wow. Really going out of the box on this one, aren’t we. I don’t know – blood and guts, make it reversible…I can just picture a bunch of Andy Cohen producer-type disciples sitting in a room and patting themselves on the backs for being so very clever.

Then it’s time to go fabric shopping. Rolando tells us about salmons and pinks. Now that Morris Day is head designer, he’s playing cheerleader and telling everyone that they have to prove they can do this. Finally, they pull their heads out of their asses and realizes, duh – red.

Back at the studio, CalTran – whose specialty is convertible clothing, remember – is making a suit and a jacket and the jacket turns into a backpack! “A backpack?” they all ask. “You can’t change my mind, it’s done,” he declares, and flounces away. He doesn’t want to fight, he just wants to make a dress. Please, let this be a dirty lie.

Tamara From The Block is doing strapless with a reversible jacket. Cindy from Mexico is doing something with boning and pleating. “Pleating can bring the collection together,” she informs us, and then starts a campaign to make everyone pleat everything.

Dominique is working with “texture of muscle tissue”, whatever that means. Eduardo is doing something that shows the shoulders. He tells us that it might be ambitious. In other words, Cesar better be standing by. Smuggy, who can make a ballgown out of cardboard and duct tape, is playing around with red yarn to create a “cardiovascular system over a shell”.

While he’s busy experimenting with “stringing rope into fabric”, Cesar is getting concerned. I don’t blame him.

Over on Emerald, they’re still lamenting the fact that they have five people and not one story to tell. But as the next day dawns, things are looking up. CalTran’s backpack is impressing the group. “You still think I make retarded clothing?” he asks. And CalTran has a friend! It’s Tamara. And it soon becomes evident why – the GoCi don’t like her stuff either. They think her red mini-dress is too simple and doesn’t go with anything else. I am sorry to report, Morris Day seems to have sided with this GoCi monster.

They start sticking shit all over her dress, and telling her to make “fullness in the waist”. “It’s not in the waist, it’s around it,” the inform her. Thanks, crackheads. What woman doesn’t want to see the hamburger they ate for lunch that day on their waist?

Oh, right.

Thankfully, CalTran comes to Tamara’s defense to tell Cindy of the GoCi that, “I look at your crap right there and it not good.” Thank you! Cindy responds that it was his ass on the line for elimination last week, not hers. True, but I’m starting to really not be able to stand this pompous chalupa, so let’s just pretend it’s not.

Cesar points out the “communication handicap” on the Emerald team, and that’s the worst thing that can happen to a fashion house. Well, unless its televised. Then it’s kind of amazing. Morris Day and the GoCi try to convince CalTran and Tamara to make their clothes uglier and less flattering so that they look like a team. “I don’t want to be on a team that losing all the time,” CalTran says. Never mind the fact that it was his design that helped them lose last week. CalTran feels like he’s on the “Titatic” and they’re ready to hit the iceberg soon. You had me at “Titatic”. Cause I’m pretty sure he meant “Titanic”, which I am completely obsessed with in every way.

One of the heads on the GoCi monster advises CalTran that Morris Day is in charge, so he should just listen to him. Um, no – not when he’s telling you to add bunchy fabric to the waist. Are they stupid? Isn’t the first thing you learn in fashion school, to not make people look fat? If not, it should be. CalTran flat out tells them to admit that they don’t have a chance to win with Morris Day in charge. Well, not when he’s taking his cues from the GoCi monster.

And there’s actually some drama going on with Nami right now, in the form of Smug Mike. He’s just not liking his design right now. “For some reason,” he says.

Cause it looks like it was “dropped in a pool of blood”?

So he changes courses. He realizes his model is coming in a half hour and he has nothing to fit her into, so he whips up a mini-dress out of “some pink fabric that I made”. Please. You dipped it in a bucket of dye.

Creating.

And back to Emerald. Morris Day is busy wrapping one of the GoCi monster’s head in beige tulle.

Replace the tulle with some non-breathable polyester, and I’m totally onboard.

They tell us they were “all” (meaning Morris and the GoCi monster) inspired by a skull draped with some blue net, and that’s the inspiration. It looks ridiculous. They look like bank robbers. CalTran laughs his ass off and tells them it’s not happening. “I think it’s pretty,” snips Morris Day, clearly suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

So, let’s do the model fitting. Cesar’s capillary dress is described by Rolando as “busy and badass”, which seems like a backhanded compliment to me. Eduardo’s dress is actually quite gorgeous, but of course he has to get Cesar’s approval. Over on Emerald, they’re photographing their models as a group, and still complaining that CalTran and Tamara’s dresses are ruining everything, what with their insane philosophy of not making their models look like fat asses.

And speaking of fat ass models, Smuggy’s dress doesn’t fit. Just kidding, it doesn’t fit because “the fabric shrunk when I dyed it”. Never mind the fact that the dress was sewn after the fabric was dyed. Where’s the cardboard and duct tape when you need it? He says his model can tell something’s wrong, and he wants to get her out of workroom so he can get rid of the dress. Cesar sharply tells him to just get his colors together so they can see what all the models look like.

Smuggy knows that they know that he’s having trouble, but he doesn’t want their opinion anyway. Hey asshole, you couldn’t even sew a simple tube dress together. You need help. Morris Day notices that there is something going on with Smuggy. He’s strolling around the studio, and not working. “I’d rather do nothing than do something bad,” he forewarns. Well, then perhaps you should have stayed in LA designing for D-List rejects instead of entering a design competition.

Cesar watches Smuggy eat and wonders what he’s doing. Smuggy attempts to reassure them that the has the concept, he just has to execute. Oh, just that one minor detail. “You have three hours,” his team warns him. Eduardo tells him that they’re going to lose if he’s not finished with his garment. “You’re gonna lose anyway, if you don’t have six looks,” Smuggy the genius retorts. Isn’t that what Eduardo just said? “Just do your dress,” admonishes Daddy Cesar.

“I don’t want to seem like an asshole,” Smuggy begins. Oh, that ship has sailed. “But I don’t really care if they win or lose,” he says. And then, he picks up some scissors and starts gleefully cutting up his crappy dress! “He’s going crazy! He’s falling apart!” Nami frets. And then, he shoves it in the trash.

Best idea you’ve had so far.

And with that, Smuggy walks out. Outerspace Greenpeace follows him outside, where Smuggy sticks his hand in front of the camera and says to not film him. And don’t hate me for getting soft, but I sort of do feel bad for him. All the smugness is obviously hiding some big insecurities, and it had to have been pretty embarrassing to not be able to produce after all his inflated boasting. Actually, don’t worry about me getting soft. Surely some quote will surface telling us how above it all he was anyway and then all will be right with the world.

And that’s the end of Smuggy! The rest of Nami is completely confounded, but not all too sorry to see him go. “Good riddance,” says Cesar, and then calls him a schmuck. I’m sorry, but I can’t share that sentiment. Well, the schmuck part I can. But now we’re stuck with semi-likeable people, and that’s a recipe for reality disaster. And not in a good way. So, they’re still responsible for six looks. Of course, Cesar and his little assistant Dominique step in to save the day. They run around and sew together a bunch scraps together. “One way or another, we have six looks,” Cesar tells us.

Alright, back to Emerald. One of the GoCi monster heads is saying she has more to do because her dress isn’t “dramatic” enough. What, it doesn’t make your model look fat enough? And her brilliant solution is to just stick a bunch of stuff on it. CalTran is bored, so he helps. The GoCi is surprised, but grateful. This GoCi head is less offensive than the other one, and that’s how I’m telling them apart.

The next monring, in comes the garment rack. Eduardo is nervous because he’s not finished. Cesar? You available? Yes, he is, and he’s saying what a privilege it is to work with his team. Such a class act, but there really is no place for this in reality television.

Privilege.

Schmuck.

Smuggy’s model comes in, and she’s confused. Probably not the first time. But at least she’s not headed down the runway naked. Over on Emerald, Tamara tells us all her house members are ganging up on her. They want her to just “include some pleating on the top”. Enough with the freakin’ pleating already! It’s not so fabulous. Even CalTran joins Morris and the GoCi on this one. So, in an effort to be a team player, Tamara finally concedes to stick a pleated bit of fabric down the front of the dress and it is not cute.

So let’s deal with the next problem, and that’s the ridiculous netting over the model’s faces. If it had been another color, maybe it would have been okay, but the beige really just looks like they covered their head in pantyhose. CalTran flat out refuses to have the face piece on his model. But, he at least says “sorry”. Baby steps.

The less offensive head of the GoCi must have gotten a beat down from the other one, cause she tells CalTran the last time, they listened to him, this time he needs to listen to them. Sorry GoCi, but the sheet covered models were actually pretty cool. Your idea flat out sucks. And CalTran isn’t having it. He tells her to shut up and finish her dress – but not before reminding her in typical CalTran fashion that if it wasn’t for him, she wouldn’t even have a dress. “If I touch that shit again, I cut my finger off.” Doesn’t make sense, but we know what he thinks he means and that’s what’s important.

Meanwhile, Morris Day, recalling his brain dead model’s inability to take her jacket off while she was walking last week, tells his models to “rehearse the reversible”. With all the Smuggy and pleating drama, I had nearly forgotten about the “twist”.

And then it’s time for the show! Stefan, the director, inquires about the netting on the models and Morris explains that they can’t have 3 girls with and 2 without. “So 3 wanted it and 2 didn’t?” Stefan asks exasperatedly. The judges get situated in the audience and I’m sorry, but Laura Brown from Harpers looks like she either just finished or is just about to get started on a murderous spree.

Die, Nina! Die!

First up is one of the GoCi monster. Cindy, the really obnoxious one. Her dress is ugly and baggy and they pleating is not helping matters. She is thrilled with her reversible bolero jacket. It’s the exact same thing inside and out, which is not impressive at all.

Next comes Morris Day, and what part of this is reversible? It’s another baggy look with a big stripe down the middle. Actually, maybe it’s not so baggy, it’s just that the model is all bones.

Then it’s Tamara’s turn, and she loves her dress but hates the pleated tissue her team made her stick in the front of it. Even her model looks pissed about it.

Next it’s CalTran’s turn, and the backpack is a huge hit! And it’s reversible in like five different ways – it’s a long dress, its a short dress, it’s a backpack, it’s mini-van…all in all, it’s pretty cool. “I did very well job there,” he congratulates himself in CalTran-ese.

Last look belongs to the other GoCi, Golnessa. Her brilliant idea for “reversible” is a neck scarf that turns into a long back scarf.

During our break between fashion shows, our Bravo fake-out once again stars Outerspace Greenpeace David. He’s running around the studio playing a harmonica like he’s a rock star. One of the PA’s is definitely sharing the good pot. Dominique finds him “strangely cute”, and well, fine. He is. But the double vagina hole thing is still questionable.

And then, we’re back. “Five minutes,” yells Stefan. Eduardo is freaking out because his garment is not complete. He’s a slow sewer, he tells us, and that’s his weakness. Good Lord, enough with the humility! Stop making me want to like you. Stefan’s running around yelling “time” and telling the the designers to stop touching their models.

Cutrone-ing.

And then, it’s go time! The Nami look nervous. First down the runway is Outerspace Greenpeace. He tells us it’s a reversible shawl of female genitalia. I’m getting more of a bathrobe with a penis vibe, but then again, I’m straight.

Dominique’s dress is fine, but nothing special. She’ll coast through for a while.

Rolando’s dress is another one that’s no jaw-dropper. It actually looks a bit bunchy. And what about this color palate was so impressive to Issac? It’s so…blah.

Eduardo’s dress is gorgeous, and the crowd loves it. The shawl turns into skirt! Besides CalTran, this is the most creative interpretation of the reversible “twist”. Blame Bravo for the crap screenshot, I played it like 10 times and this was the best I could do.

Then comes Cesar’s dress and dammit Bravo editors, again, could you have gotten a crappier shot? Here it is in two pieces. It’s a little much, but still pretty cool.

Finally, the sixth look. It looks like what it is – a bunch of scraps sewed together, but Nami is just relieved that at the end of the day, they showed a complete collection.

And then we go to the judges. Our guest judge for this week is Douglas Freedman, a fashion photographer. So, their preliminary opinion is that Isaac still loves the Nami palate. But it’s so…beige. And Iman loved Cesar’s fringe dress. Emerald gets a conciliatory “lovely”, but they do get complimented for rallying and pulling together. The judgement room looks like an Ikea living room.

Totally judging you.

And the winner is….Nami! And get this one, what took them over the edge was “the sophistication of the palate”. Well, I’m no designer, but I don’t like wearing clothes that blend with my skin. Anyway, the big winner is Eduardo! I did love that dress, and the reversible element was flawless.

And we have to suffer though another humble win – he thought Cesar had it. And Cesar’s happy for Eduardo. Now I just want Emerald to win so they can shit talk the individual winner. Eduardo’s prize is an extra hour of work time next week, and an additional $500 for his collection if he makes it to the finals. And here’s a better shot of the winning look.

And as for House of Emerald, “Here we go again,” says Iman. They sit on the Ikea furniture looking bummed. I’m pretty sure that due to Smuggy’s departure, the production schedule’s going to call for a non-elimination week, but I would love to see one of the GoCi monster’s heads cut off.

Isaac gives them a bit of credit for using the same color to unify their collection. Immediately, the more evil GoCi monster head, Cindy, talks about how hard it was to come up with something to make the collection flow, and how the GoCi and Morris Day all had coordinated pleating, but CalTran and Tamara were not playing along. It looks like editing – I doubt she said that straight off, but she did stay it, and what an asshole. Her dress sucked. Also, she just seems like a horrible person. Send her home.

Thankfully, Iman and the guest judge openly disagree – they think CalTran and Morris Day’s work well together.

Suck it, GoCi monster.

Iman and Isaac are curious about how Morris Day’s dress is even reversible, which was my question too. “It goes from a boatneck to off-the-shoulder,” he explains. Cheap trick. Actually, not even a trick. But, they think it’s “subtle and beautiful” overall, and they love the pleating on the ribs. Well, his model is totally anorexic, so I guess the padding worked in this case.

They are not in love with GoCi Golnessa’s dress – they think it has too much going on. They tell her they like the clothes she is wearing better than the clothes on the model. She smiles huge like it’s a big compliment. They didn’t really like your dress, moron.

Next for critique is the other head of the GoCi monster, Cindy. She calls her dress “clean”. Please. It’s still bunchy, and guess what Miss Bunchy Pants, I can see pins all over the place! Get over yourself, whore. Sorry, with all the nice people on this show, I’ve got to funnel the mean somewhere. They tell her the dress got control of her.

So, what did they think of CalTran? First, they want to know about the backpack. They don’t love it, but they love the engineering of the dress as a whole. Success!

Then it’s time for Tamara. Iman points out the hem that’s falling apart. And they do not like the folded tissue in the front. Tamara immediately tells them that she was only trying to be a team player, and the GoCi monster immediately jumps all over her for it. What an ugly monster it is. The judges tell her she should have stuck to her guns, but with diplomacy. “Learn how to manipulate, but not in a bad way,” the advise.

And then, Isaac “must say something”. He calls them five smart people who can’t find a way to do a collection. He tells them their drama is affecting their collection. Well, yeah. And thanks for that. He points out that every time CalTran opens his mouth, one of his teammates rolls their eyes. Iman calls him a stubborn dictator. So again – thanks!

House of Emerald is sent out of the Ikea living room while the judges deliberate. When they return they are informed of the following. It takes vision, talent and communication – but that’s not what they saw. They think Morris’s look was fresh and great, but as head designer, he failed his house.

GoCi Golnessa designed a dress that even she wouldn’t wear. GoCi Cindy’s made an impression, but “only because it went first”. Tamara compromised her vision. CalTran “may have more talent than anyone else here, but no one can stand to work with you. Something has to change.” Where is this going?

Iman brings Nami back out. She tells them they have proved that they can roll with the punches, so to brace themselves – since Smuggy left, no one is eliminated. “Thank you, Mike!” exclaims Tamara. But the dissention is holding Emerald back. And the change? CalTran is going to Nami! They are not happy, and they are about to get even more unhappy. Because one of them has to go to Emerald. They talk amongst themselves, nod and stand stiffly resigned.

And no surprise – Cesar leaves the team. This was actually smart, because his winning streak and CalTran’s banana drama probably do not mix. Cesar concedes that CalTran is talented,but he hopes he’s smart and then I’m pretty sure he calls him a “dramatic Asian queen”. Ignoring the slightly racist tinge – CalTran, we wouldn’t want you any other way.

Next week, CalTran wreaks havoc on Nami, and hopefully, the Cesar will put the GoCi monster in its place. Or at least vanquish one of its heads. See you then!