The Fashion Show: Time Capsule In Plaid

Welcome back to The Fashion Show! It’s a rainy day in NYC. Morris Day reminds us that House of Emerald was on the cutting board again. GoCi Golnessa simpers the oft-quoted reality gem of “I need to step up my game”. Rolando tells us that House of Nami is feeling really confident right about now.

And then comes the clue. They are to meet Iman at Museum of Natural History, and time is of the essence. Iman’s really latched on to this whole “fashion emergency” theme. CalTran wonders what they’re doing. Looking at dinosaurs? Then he makes up a new scientific study called “cosmolology”. I’m picturing a cross between astronomy and doing hair.

Professor of Cosmolology – College of WTF Are You Saying?

Iman poses in front of what Dominique calls a fortune looking thing. But it’s actually a time capsule, not to be opened for 1,000 years. For their challenge, they will be creating a fashion forward look based on one of the boxes surrounding the capsule. As usual, it must be fabulous both own it’s own as well as cohesively.

Reeking of cohesive fabulousness.

“Come and get a box, because time waits for no one!” quips Iman. They open their boxes, and here’s what we’ve got for House of Emerald:

GoCi Golnessa 1951 – Loves it because when she’s back home she loves being a housewife. To her sisters. And undoubtedly, like four cats.

Morris Day 1989 – He’s not too happy. “I was five in 1989,” he grumbles. Is he serious? I think Morris Day looks like he woke up in 1989.

GoCi Cindy 1961 – She plants a blonde wig on her head and tells us it’s Marilyn Monroe. As much as I can’t stand this head of the GoCi monster, I have a feeling she’s going to make an awesome 1961 dress.

Cesar 2001 – The most depressing thing that happened in our lifetime. He wonders how to make it fashionable.

Over on Nami:

Eduardo – Well, he doesn’t mention a decade but it’s something to do with Disco Inferno. Get ready for a disco cocktail dress. That I would totally wear.

CalTran 1957 – References Audrey Hepburn and calls it a day.

Domonique 1994 – Whatever, preppy girls have worn shifts with belts since the beginning of time and I’m sure they always will.

Either Rolando or Greenpeace David has “peace, love and moon landings.”

Nami immediately tries to figure out what fabric to use, and they discover that they all have plaid in their boxes. CalTran’s thrilled, plaid’s his favorite! When did CalTran get so agreeable about everything? The rest of his group looks at him like he’s on crack. “So you think in 3000 people are going to be wearing plaid?” Eduardo asks him. Well, they wore it in 1900 and they wear it today, so why the hell not. And hello, have you ever heard of Scotland?

On cue, Iman appears to give the designers the twist. She adores plaid, and that’s exactly what she wants to see this week. Rolando is not happy, but Morris Day is used to working with it from when he used to tart up his Catholic school uniform.

How many repressed football players did you turn, you saucy little minx?

Back at the studio, it’s sketching and mood board time. Cesar reminds us that he’s there to pull the house together. And the common link for House of Emerald is going to be volume.  Again?  How many different ways do I have to say that people don’t want to look fat?

On House of Nami, they went with metallic and silver. Get it, future? Metallic? Isaac comes in with his fake accent and calls the inspiration “time cap-shules”. He “gets” the blues and pewter – in fact, they’re “brilliant”. He zeroes in on Outerspace Greenpeace David who’s drawn 1982 and will be going with a Michael Jackson-esque jumpsuit with big shoulders. Actually, isn’t this his whole design aesthetic? Yuppies who came back to earth in the 80′s? And yuppies totally wear plaid.

Rolando has 1969, and he’s doing a space suit with leggings and a jacket . But the big shoulder and the little waist remind Isaac more of the 80′s, and if he gives them 80′s for 60′s that’s very, very bad.

Noooooo!

“Everyone went plaid mad in the sketches,” he accuses them. Oh give me a break. If they don’t incorporate major plaid into the design, you’ll be all over their ass.

He inquires about their plaid handling skills – matching it, cutting it. It’s a subtle reminder that Cesar doesn’t live there anymore. And then it’s time for House of Emerald. They have shades of blues and I really like it. They had some pink in there too, but Isaac makes it go away. “I insist that you simplify,” he decrees.

He asks Emerald about the sketches, and dutifully gasps and clucks at Cesar’s 2001 thing with an organic protective hood. He’s concerned about GoCi Golnessa’s dress length. And he’s not thinking it looks like a cohesive collection. At the fabric store, no one’s in love with the fabric selection for plaid. Cesar bitches about having to play Daddy, but at the end of the day he’s here to win. On Nami’s side, no one’s loving plaid either. Dominique compares it to a tablecloth.

Eduardo has a one shoulder, futuristic light grey and lighter grey dress. Dominique is revisiting grunge in 1994 with someone’s boyfriend’s flannel. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think we’re ready for that yet.

Too soon, man. Too soon.

On Emerald, GoCi Cindy is making a Jackie O inspired bubbly coat. I’m wearing a bubble skirt to both work and a cocktail party tomorrow. I told you I’d be on board with her. Dammit.  And perhaps I spoke too soon on the “volume” thing.  But she’s also feeling the pressure of her fellow monster head Golnessa, who they both acknowledge has been in trouble with the judges for the past – well, for the whole time. Cesar’s getting pushy with the whole team. They don’t look thrilled, but he doesn’t let up.

CalTran prances around the studio in a skirt and high heeled ankle boots. He’s working it, and it’s sort of endeared him to his team. Rolando tells CalTran he loves him to which CalTran replies, “Me too.”

Work it, guuuuuurl.

And the rest of ‘em are getting loopy. Morris Day throws the Marilyn Monroe wig on his head, sticks a fire hat on top of it and scoops Rolando up in his arms.

Hey girl hey!

On Day 2, they get serious. Greenpeace Outerspace talks about his Grandma who wore jumpsuits in the 80′s. Progressive. Did she also do coke?  CalTran is doing a “bustle skirt” from the 50′s. When he grew up in Vietnam, they wore plaid a lot so he feels nice and nostalgic.

Enough said.

Rolando’s got Dominique in his dress, and something’s “off”. He doesn’t like his piping. Morris Day is taking the sleeves on and off his dress. Cesar sticks his head in to make sure there will be a V in the armhole.

And then it’s flirty time! Everyone comments on Outerspace Greenpeace and Dominique. But Rolando also points out that Greenpeace flirts with him too, “and he’s not even gay”. Sorry, jury’s still out on that one in my opinion. And what the hell, Cesar?

Plaid Stockholm Syndrome.

Greenpeace David says that he was raised by a single mom so he bonds better with women. He comments that he likes his fabric. “It’s awesome,” swoons little Dominique. Then the models show up for their fitting. Emerald’s concerned that they only have four looks, while Nami has five. I’d be more concerned about the fact that their dresses look like this.

So your common link was making a regular dress and then throwing some shit from your laundry on it?

CalTran tells Rolando that his dress is a piece of crap. Rolando just calls him a drama queen. But they’re all concerned for Rolando. “Can’t have this,” swishes CalTran. Then he calls it “horrendous”. Even I’m like okay, we get the point, but Rolando just lounges on the couch and says he doesn’t feel like dealing at the moment.

Dominique calls him out for not being able to execute, and then Rolando scampers around and tries to make a new bottom of the dress. Cesar is upset for “my baby Ro”, but he can’t help him now. So Ro goes for something more simple. Cesar looks for invisible zippers for his plaid skirt that he’s hand painting. It actually comes out amazing.

And back to the new couple. They’re giggling together while he gives her shoulder pads. She calls the rumors about them “absurd” but he’s talking some new age nonsense about the moon and she’s cackling hysterically. Daddy Cesar mentions that they’re losing focus.

And GoCi Golnessa is still having issues. Her dress is a half an inch short. She just doesn’t understand how it happened. “Maybe by steaming it?” she wonders wide eyed. Sure, or maybe by magic dress shortening elves.

The next day, we are reminded of how bad House of Emerald needs to win. Backstage, it’s the usual pre-show running around, pinning and yelling at the Tresseme people. Stephan counts down to the show, and then it’s House of Nami’s time.

First up, is Dominiuqe. I wouldn’t wear it, but it does look kind of high fashion circa 1994.

Greenpeace David’s got a linen jumpsuit inspired by Granny. And that’s exactly what it looks like.

Just another day for Eduardo and a gorgeous cocktail dress.  Doesn’t matter what decade.

Rolando just has a skirt and a blouse. It’s nothing exciting, but it looks like a viable work outfit alternative. He thinks he pulled it off.

Finally, it’s CalTran time! I love his look, it’s a button down shirt and a really cool skirt with a bustle in the back! He talks about how even if it’s long, it still accentuates the body.

So, I liked House of Nami. And judging by what we saw in the studio from House of Emerald, I’m feeling another loss coming on. The judges are even nodding.

In the Bravo fakeout, the boys are looking for a “wine bottle opener”. Or what fancy people call it, a corkscrew. It’s really only noteworthy for this.

Is it weird that I want this to be my new screensaver?  I mean, if I had a screensaver?

And then it’s time for the House of Emerald show. Remember, they have five looks but only four models. So the first model has to go twice. And then, GoCi Golnessa’s zipper breaks on her dress. “Cesar!” she whines. Does this chick even know how to sew?

Cesar is up first. He’s got plaid pants and a shirt with a hood. It’s okay in a toga-pants sort of way.

Next comes Morris Day, and I just don’t understand the thought behind attaching a bedsheet to a perfectly nice dress.

GoCi Cindy has a billowy, satiny coat over a simple plaid dress and fuck my life, I would totally wear it.

And even GoCi Golnessa comes through with her busted dress. It’s a simple, A Line with a tiny waist and full skirt, and who doesn’t like that.

Finally, we are treated to Cesar’s extra credit look. He tells us he’s created a new silhouette. Sure.

Except the guy wearing the sandwich board advertising 50% off on furniture invented it first.

Show’s over, so we head back to the the judging room. Isaac and Iman introduce us to the guest judge, a “fabulous” supermodel who just looks sort of greasy and second rate to me. Laura Brown’s hair is slicked into a schoolmarm look, which actually only accentuates her crazy eyes.

And the first thing Isaac wants to say is congratulations! He and Iman loved both collections. And finally…House of Emerald takes the win! They loved the GoCi Golnessa, and they call Morris Day’s dress “divine”. And the winner is…Morris Day! Isaac even tells him he’s going to copy it for his collection!

Sorry, I just don’t get it.

But I love Morris Day so I’m happy for him. And then it’s time for House of Nami to be judged. Isaac does think that the color ties the whole thing together but random greasy “supermodel” (and are we just throwing that term around a little too loosely nowadays or what?) thinks that they textures were too similar.

First up for discussion is Eduardo. Another cocktail dress, but everyone loves it.  He has immunity so whatever, on to CalTran. They love the skirt and the details. But they think the front looks “disheveled”. Iman calls the model a “homemaker under the influence”.

Then it’s Dominique. They all like the grungy chiffon look. And then, the music gets louder, and Rolando gets called to the judges. He explains his look and no one likes it. They think his look is shapeless and unflattering. “Do you feel that you’re up for the challenge?” Isaac asks in response to Ro’s explanation that he had to scrap his original design. And he firmly, definitively is.

So let’s talk with Outerspace Greenpeace, who based on his whole design aesthetic, should have knocked this one out of the park. Except oh yeah, he sucks. And he starts off dejected, with his head down. He’s almost apologetic over his design. And he should be.

Iman says what I’ve been saying all along, “Michael Jackson and Grandma? What do they have in common?” And now he’s defensive. He just keeps talking about MJ and Grandma, and it’s not making any sense. Isaac stands up for Outerspace, saying that if they had seen the sketch, they would feel differently about the final look. Who cares about the sketch? Who’s wearing a sketch? Laura Brown calls it “baggy and shapeless” but the way she says it, it’s like she’s condemning it to hell eternally.

I will burn it with my eyes.

Iman calls it “cringe-inspiring”, and then asks Outerspace Greenpeace why he should stay. And…silence. Very awkward silence. And then, “It’s my profession, I don’t know.” Well, I’m convinced. But then his nine year old girlfriend swoops in to save the day! “Don’t give up like that!” Dominique pleads, straight out of an after school special.

More silence, and then he blurts out another epiphany about his Grandma. Oh, this is hopeless. Dominique is literally sobbing over what’s sure to be the impending loss of her new gay boyfriend. And then Iman sends them backstage to deliberate.

You know what? We don’t see them deliberate on this show. So we cut to the final judgement. Iman mentions that in addition to making good fashion, you have to be able to defend it.

And don’t bore me.

Eduardo was bold, beautiful and also immune to elimination, so he gets to stay. Dominique really gave them grunge, but needs to take her look to the next level. She can stay too. Outerspace Greenpeace had an “unspecific aesthetic”. His outfit was offensive, and so was his resignation.

Rolando was boring and conservative in 1969, which didn’t really go with the whole summer of love thing. CalTran had a heavenly skirt, but the rest of it needed to be reigned in. He can stay. So it’s down to Outerspace Greenpeace and Rolando. I’ve heard Ro mention like seventeen times over the course of this episode how he wasn’t ready to go home – also, Outerspace has smartly insured himself with a showmance, so I think I see where this is going.

And sure enough, “This is the Fashion Show – and I’m sorry, Rolando. You’re out of fashion.” He hugs Greenpeace, and I’m pretty sure this is all he wanted out of the deal anyway. He reasonably points out that people like Eduardo and Cesar have been doing this work for a long time, and he has a lot of experience to gain. I will miss laid back Rolando and his feathered hair-do.

Dominique points out that she shouldn’t have to be the “man of the house”. Ugh, Greenpeace you’re so dumped. She may only be sixteen, but she’s smart enough to know that you at least need a dick.

And next time…it’s the Real Housewives episode! Oh, how I have been salivating for the chance to discuss these wastes of humanity publicly. Aresnic on my keyboard, babes. See you then.