The Fashion Show – You Can Drape A Trashcan In Chiffon…But It’s Still A Trashcan

Welcome back to The Fashion Show – Official Crossover Episode. We catch up with Lil’ Dom(inique) and her “melancholy feeling”. Oh, issues. Here we go. She feels like if she didn’t stand up for Outerspace Greenpeace David and his crap Grandma jumpsuit, he would have certainly been gone. And as for Outerspace…

Enough with this blazer made out of old gym shorts, OKAY?

“I’m just gonna have to prove myself now. We have to win this next competition. This is what it’s about,” he says with all the enthusiasm of a funeral dirge. Team Emerald is thrilled with their courtesy win. Suckers. And then they get their Tyra mail, or whatever. They are to meet on the Upper East Side? A Gossip Girl challenge? OMFG, that’s what they need – a Gossip Girl challenge! One team designs for Serena, one team for Blair. xoxo

When we arrive at the rendezvous point – which is Daniel, possibly one of the most expensive restaurants on earth – Isaac gives a speech about how the “ladies who lunch” lunch at Daniel to decide what they’re going to be wearing to their various charity galas. Their challenge is to design a gown to be worn at a “high society charity ball”. But instead of working with their models, each designer will be working with a “REAL client”. Get it? “Real”? Well, we’ve all seen the previews so we know what’s coming but what of CalTran?

“They kind of bitchy.” – CalTran

Isaac goes on to explain that this particular group of clients are from out of town, so they need dresses that will help them fit in the NYC social scene. And then…the reveal.

My eyes!!!!

Seriously – my eyes!!!!!

Let me tell you one thing – I think the housewives are all utter wastes of humanity. Let me tell you one more thing – I stole “utter waste of humanity” from Flippy and it makes its way into nearly every conversation I have about reality television. So thanks dude.

While the hausfrau pose like graduates of the Derek Zoolander School, CalTran breaks it down for us. One side is all blonde and sparkles, the other side is all brunette with “bosom”. Morris Day tells us that these are women who “know what they want and get what they want”.

And what I want is a necklace made from the scrap trimmings bin at Joann Fabrics.  You got a problem with that?

As last week’s winner, Team Emerald gets to choose which Househos they prefer to dress. Cesar deems NJ the feisty ones, and so they go with OC. Sure enough, the NJ ladies look pissed. CalTran informs us that the NJ housewives don’t need to dress down, they need to class up. When a slimy man in a tank top is telling you to class up – you really need to rethink, well, everything.

But Isaac warns the designers to do right by the ladies because “they deserve a fabulous trip down the runway”. Guuuuurl, don’t we all?  They all run to the housewife they want. Morris Day feels a connection with Lynn, who immediately tells him how she is when she’s designing.

I designed this wig, actually. An old mop head and some finger paint. Not bad, huh?

So he tells us what a “charming, positive, confident attitude she has”, and she tells us she thinks she got “the best guy”. And look who they dragged out of her diamond encrusted crypt!

Listen, any excuse not to have to blow George.

And she’s stuck with the GoCi Cindy. The more offensive (but also more talented)) one. And I guess the rest of the OC housewives are very, very busy with their bankruptcy and divorce filings, cause Lori brought her daughter. I’m shocked that Slade didn’t turn up in a dress.

Or did he?

Just kidding, Ashley grew up to be kind of gorgeous. She wants strapless and boning and Cesar’s fine with that. And then we have Gretchen and her wombat face. Since we already know what a consummate makeup designer and businesswoman she is, it should come as no surprise that she’s also come with her own dress design. “I’m a designer myself,” she brags.

Oh. Wonderful.

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually feel sorry for the GoCi monster who has to deal with this. “See, I drew these sketches,” Wombat says, and then launches into a speech about silhouettes and bling. And says that she’s not even sure that the GoCi knew what “bling” meant, which sadly enough, was probably meant as an insult. And then she laughs her crazy hyena laugh.  ”This is not good,” deadpans the GoCi.

And now for House of Nami. Poor Eduardo is stuck with bitchy Dina who literally attacks him over the word “something”. Lil’ Dom’s got brain dead Jacqueline who only doesn’t want to show her boobs and she doesn’t want anything clingy. “They gotta make us look good” she threatens. Good luck.

Moooooooo.

Big Mama Caroline’s look is “classical”, self-described of course. She’s with Outerspace Greenpeace, who immediately tells her she’s built like his mother, which she seems to take serious offense to. So much so that she wishes she had…CalTran as a designer!

Do you like my bead kit earrings? They’re very classical.

So who drew CalTran? It’s Teresa, who’s giving new meaning to every sense of the word bankrupt.  CalTran deemed her “my kind of girl”. She tells him she wants to stand out. He tells her he envisions a mermaid dress made from silk charmeuse. “Silk sha? Shamoo…?” she trails off. The one thing I like about this whore is she’s not one of those stupid people who’s under any illusion that she’s smart. She’s just kind of dumb and living with it.

Take notes.

They head back to the studio and then it’s time to do mood boards for Isaac. I guess now’s as good as any time to ask – what’s a mood board? It seems to be the designers looking though magazines and picking out pictures that inspire them. Kind of low tech, no? Me and my friends used to do this in college.

But Team Nami is not clicking. Outerspace Greenpeace says that Lil’ Dom is sad about losing Ro, Eduardo’s always in his own world and CalTran…well, he’s just CalTran. While the rest of the team is full steam ahead with ocean blue, CalTran is angrily shoving a piece of pink and pea green striped fabric at them. And as for the rest of the team’s ideas?

And with that, let’s move on to Emerald. Cesar is taking charge, as usual. Isaac enters with his affected “daaaaarling” and drags them into his office to talk mood boards and designs. Then he tells them that the challenge is actually about “bringing out a more elegant side to these women.” Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Ha.

Isaac loves their mood board. “Gold is the most elegant thing in the woooooorld!” he coos.

Say what?

Morris Day wants to show Lynn’s back, but not her boobs. Cesar has Ashley, the daughter, and all he does is complain about her natural boobs. Only on a Real Housewives themed episode could the word “boob” come up every five seconds.

Next up, House of Nami. Lil’ Dom, who has totally taken over the leadership of this group, enlightens him as to their color palate. Isaac tells them that the NJ ladies are fat asses, so to use darker colors to make them look skinny. Only he says it in a nicer way, something about how models don’t have anatomy.

Lil’ Dom talks about a high neck and sheer overlay for Jacqueline. And Greenpeace tells Isaac that Big Mama has “classic” style – sorry, don’t you mean a “classical” style? His big idea is to give her bigger shoulders. She’s kind of built like a linebacker, is that really the best idea? Isaac is concerned with Greenpeace’s design. And then CalTan pipes in with a whole new dress design, that – get ready for this one – Issac loves! He tells Outerspace Greenpeace to do what CalTran says! Greenpeace is not happy with this advice. “I will not be listening to Calvin,” he tells us defiantly.

Then it’s time to go to the fabric store that is not Mood. Team Emerald is talking about silk jersey, and then they manage to choose a fabric that is exactly shit colored. Well done. Team Nami isn’t having much luck either. Greenpeace is pulling fabric right and left, and Lil’ Dom’s getting pissy about everything. Eduardo’s worried about Greenpeace’s shades of green, but Lil’ Dom tells him “go with it”.

Back in the studio, Cesar’s still whining about how difficult it is to design around a natural breast. Poor GoCi Golnessa is struggling with Gretchen St. Laurent’s design. Cesar says that she has great style, but she can’t “cut, drape or sew”. In other words, I could be a contestant on this show.

Morris Day tells us about how NY style is different than LA style, Eduardo (who I am falling a little bit in love with) talks about building the top of the dress and then draping, and then it’s Outerspace Greenpeace’s turn. He reminds us that his client is short and stubby.

CalTran notices that the rest of the team is sad and that they’ve lost their spirit. Lil’ Dom shuffles by Outerspace Greenpeace and he asks her if she’s okay, which is so exactly the thing to say to someone in an obviously crap mood. She replies that if he asks her again, she will stab him with scissors.

The next day, it’s time for the fitting. And all designers are freaking out over it. Working with different body types seems to be a real challenge for the designers. Well, almost all the designers.

Of course.

“Is it me or is it you people are too slow for my pace?” he asks, pacing the room and looking critically at everyone else’s work. He ultimately decides to just make another dress. Cause he’s bored. Twenty minutes to the fitting, and Cesar’s giving GoCi Golnessa a sewing lesson. Lord help us. Then he talks incessantly about how we have to be ready for the fitting, honey.

Then, it’s time for the househos, and they walk in, each carrying a jumbo metallic purse from the mall. They’re fashion forward like that. They cluck and wander and look at their dresses. So, who’s the first to hate their look?

You know what this needs to really class it up? Cutouts.

There’s lots of “wow”s and a “I’ve never worn this color before. Ever.” It’s too much fabric for Lynn. She doesn’t like to be covered. She runs in half shirts. “I can’t rock it,” she says definitively. Look lady, you’re like, fifty. Could you just “rock” some comfy sweatpant-jeans from Chico’s and stop subjecting everyone to your wrinkly, sun damaged flesh?

So Morris Day, bless his heart, full on takes a pair of scissors to the crazy lady’s dress and cuts out a huge neckline. Crypt keeper Lori is also clamoring for “more cleavage!”. Then she declares the dress to be “definitely an Emmy dress. Maybe an Oscar?” Yes, let’s do take our Oscar fashion cues from a middle aged lady in Orange County.

Then Wombat Gretchen prances over in the other GoCi dress and talks about how sexy and hot she is and how “baby got back!” cause that’s what people are still saying in 2010, and then riiiiiiip goes the dress.

Naturally, Golnessa is not to blame for this. She measured just fine. “Either the dress shrunk or she grew,” she says. Or, maybe it was the same magical dress shrinking fairies that also shrunk your dress last week. “Don’t you have extra material?” asks Wombat, who is clearly the kind of designer who does a lot of work with a glue gun. Then she tells the GoCi, “Whatever you’re trying to do, just make it look good,” conveniently forgetting that it was all her ‘baby got back’ showboating that ripped the thing in the first place.

CalTran teaches Teresa to walk and hold a train at the same time. It’s confusing at first, but then she gets it and shows it off to Dina, who tells her it looks like a dress from Scores. “Does Isaac like a Scores girl?”

Dunno. Let’s also find out where he stands on cunty bitches.

Then CalTran gives Teresa her second dress, and we spend a good five minutes listening to the housewives and CalTran debate over which dress she should wear.

Could she keep both? She’s bankrupt.

The NJ ladies make approximately a thousand Danielle-prostitution whore-table throwing comments. So much for not wasting any more time on her. Good luck with your third season. Watching you people eat dinner with your spoiled rotten kids is boring.

CalTran’s acting like he’s kind of over them, but I think he’s secretly enjoying it. Greenpeace is having trouble of his own with Big Mama. She’s snapping orders at him, and he’s another one complaining how hard it is to make a dress for a real woman’s body. Who do these morons think are going to be buying their clothes? Models wear ugly baggy shit in real life to remind you of their inner beauty.

Anyway, Big Mama is not happy. Her dress is not long enough. And then CalTran gets in on the action to agree. And then mean Dina says she looks like Peter Pan. Lil’ Dom mentions that the dress is a disaster. And Big Mama threatens that if her dress is the reason they don’t win…

He sleeps with the fishes.

And then it’s time to look at the teams. Cesar tells us that their look reads presenting to society for the first time.

Or, the bride really hates you.

But, Emerald thinks the dresses look amazing. And the househos are “impressed”. Dina says that the Emerald team looks more cohesive so she’s considering whacking Lynn on the head and joining up. Then, the NJ ladies pose and it’s clear that Greenpeace’s Big Mama dress is “not cohesive”. I’m getting soooo tired of the word “cohesive”. Even the househos are saying it.

Then, for some inexplicable reason, the editors decide we need another few minutes of Teresa and her mind numbing screechy voice debating over which of CalTran’s designs to wear. It comes down to this.

Hallelujah!

The househos leave, and Greenpeace has a big problem. He’s frantically trying to turn things around, but the real problem with his dress seems to be the color. And Lil’ Dom is ready to give up on her man. She’s sobbing about how it’s inevitable that someone has to go home. CalTran leans casually on a table and observes the chaos with only this to say.

I make no apologies for letting CalTran write half this recap.

GoCi Cindy (the really offensive one) notes the drama on the other team and tells us she feels really confident on this one. If this is foreshadowing to Emerald losing and this bitch going home, I will be delirious with joy.

And perhaps there’s a chance! Eduardo steps in and starts asking who has extra fabric. He gives Greenpeace his extra chiffon, tells him to use his ugly Peter Pan dress as lining, and just cover the thing in chiffon. Greenpeace sighs and tells us he has no other choices. Well, besides not designing an ugly dress in the first place.

And over on Team Emerald, Morris Day is also trying to make it happen for a difficult client. He’s cutting up the dress as much as he can, but he’s not going to send work down the runway that he doesn’t stand behind. Good for you, Morris Day. If it doesn’t come with a matching purse full of pills, she’s never gonna like it anyway.

Golnessa is loving her wombat dress, all except for the ripped seam at the hip. So she jerry rigs some fabric together, sews it shut and drags her mannequin over to Cindy to tell her the repair looks like a vagina. “But it’s pleated,” she adds.

“My house is not doing well,” Eduardo laments from Team Nami. CalTran is lounging on the sofa, giving the eye to the rest of his team and saying that he doesn’t care about cohesive, they just need to make it look good. “You don’t care about anything, that’s why you’re sitting there on your ass,” Greenpace snaps back.

Oh, here go hell come.

And on it goes. CalTran tries to help Greenpeace, and Greenpeace tells him he’s ruining the dress and to go away. CalTran doesn’t care, because he thinks Greenpeace’s dress is just ugly. Greenpeace makes a crack about Emerald cutting CalTran from their team, which is a pretty slippery slope for him to be on, what the judges unilaterally hating everything he does, even on the weeks when his team wins.

And then, it’s time for the fashion show! CalTran is lurking backstage with the ladies, telling them Big Mama that her dress isn’t done. At which point she goes all Gambino on his ass and tells him the dresses better be done or they’re going to have a problem. Get a grip, lady. You can’t get him whacked over chiffon. And CalTran’s not feeling the love either.

I’m not a retarded.

He tells Big Mama that she’s making him want to have a tantrum and he’s not cute when that happens. “Do you want to win? Do you want to win?” she asks him like he’s one of her coddled, co-dependent kids who are forty and living in her basement. He shoots her a withering and flounces out of the room while she yells, “Cal-vin!” condescendingly after him.

And then it’s time for the show! First up is Team Emerald who are feeling mighty confident, and that’s never a good thing. We begin with GoCi Cindy’s Oscar/Emmy dress, modeled by Lori. It’s pleated everywhere (of course), and it just has sort of a homemade feeling to it.

Next up is Morris Day’s design for Lynn, who looks positively suicidal in this dress.

I have to show another shot, just to show how ugly the top is. It looks exactly the same as when he ripped it a day ago.  And why did they roll her in Crisco?

Then comes wombat Gretchen, in Golnessa’s design. It sort of looks thrown together, but the top isn’t bad.

And then it’s time for Cesar to do some more complaining about how hard it is to design for a natural breast.

So let’s see what Nami is putting on the table. They’re very depressed watching the OC show. And look, Lil’ Dom’s crying again. Oh the pressure. Teresa’s still prattling on about her dress, and CalTran literally shoves her over to the runway with an exasperated sigh.

Team Nami’s show is dramatic and fabulous, and I’m pretty sure it’s CalTran who’s coming up with all these original shows. It’s old style orchestra music, maybe from the 40s? And the NJ ladies are really playing to the theme.

CalTran is first, with Teresa as his model. The dress is just okay. She holds her hands out, parallel to the floor while she walks. I can totally picture CalTran fucking with her and telling her, “Oh, that how models walk.”

Next is Dominique, modeled by Jacqueline, mother of the most horrible teenager ever. The dress isn’t horrible. It isn’t great. But it covers her up good, and that’s all she wanted.

Then comes Outerspace Greenpeace’s dress for Big Mama. She looks a million times better without that 1987 hot curler ‘do, by the way. And this dress, the one that everyone was in a full blown panic over, turned out just fine.

Finally, it’s Eduardo’s turn and once again he has turned out a dream. I can’t believe Dina’s so insecure about having such a phenomenal hourglass body, but it does explain a lot about her. Insecurity breeds the biggest assholes.

And could you try speaking from the front of your mouth? You’re trying to convince us you’re not mobbed up, remember?

I think it’s another Nami win – Morris Day agrees. “They totally nailed it,” he admits, kind of cheerfully, which is confusing.

So on to the Ikea judging room. Everyone gets judged today, and then they choose a winner. First up is Emerald. The judges want to know what the unifying theme was, besides the color. Cesar says the theme was going to the Met. Um, a little vague there buddy. And then Queen Iman points out that people like to wear color on the red carpet to stand out. “Right,” he mumbles, cause it would be impolite to tell Iman to STFU.

I don’t think so.  Honey.

So, let’s talk about Morris Day. Well, first let’s talk about why he wears that chew toy on all his clothes.

Sentimental value?

Or course he starts off with the story of the high neckline, and Lynn chimes in to say how “constricted” she felt. Then she says she’d love to wear the dress to a pool party. “But we are going to a gala,” snaps Iman. Although, in Lynn’s world, “gala” probably means a party at the pool in her apartment complex, so he might have actually nailed it.

I want to crush it with my bare hands.

Then, Cesar and Ashley. Ashley loved it. But the judges did not. I’m not really sure what they hell their problem was. Someone called it a “lampshade effect”. Laura Brown called it “boxy”. Iman’s agitated over the petticoat.

But Cesar says there’s only so much better glitter you can pull out of your wand in that amount of time and this is what he could put together “for her”. Because she has a natural breast you know, and how could he possibly have been expected to take care of details like hemming when he was designing for a natural breast?

So, Golnessa and Wombat. The first thing the judges want to know about is the thing on the side. Gretch tells the truth – she was wearing Spanx when she got measured. Well, she might have mentioned it while she was getting measured, but in Golnessa’s case would it even have mattered?  I’m sure her dress would have figured out how to magically shrink itself regardless.

Isaac doesn’t like the pouffy thing at the bottom, he thinks it looks unfinished. But the guest judge likes the top. LB is comparing the left side of the hem to the right. And then we’re back to Isaac saying it looks like someone chewed up the dress and spit it out and it freaks him out. Then, Isaac tells Gretch that it looks like Golnessa added five pounds to the back of her waist.

Of course, Gretch freaks out. “No, not to your butt, to your waist,” he clarifies. “Oh, okay,” she concedes dopily. Really? You’d rather be fat around your waist than your butt? And kisses to Isaac who was bitchy enough to make these faces while dissecting stupid, self-aggrandizing Gretchen for our enjoyment.

Then we see Cindy, modeled by Lori. Lori gives a rehearsed speech about how much she loves the dress. The judges love it too. I don’t know, I just thought it was bunchy, but I do admit to being way prejudiced against the designer.

On to Team Nami and the NJ Housewives. Isaac loved the color palate and the “cohesion” (dammit, again?) but there were problems. First is CalTran and Teresa. Her dress is bunching up in the middle. Not a crisis. Moving on. Next is Dom and Jacqueline.  I hear simple, style line, slimming effect, bore snore. LB says it best – meek.

So let’s move on to the action, Big Mama and Outerspace Greenpeace. Outerspace has to be the luckiest person ever. First of all, someone on his team stepped in to save his crap dress and it turned out amazing. Then, his model is Big Mama, who never lets anyone talk, so he can just stand there all stoned like always and let her deal with the judges.

It was too short, it wasn’t a gown, but I told him to make it longer and then it was a gown…I lose track of what the hell she’s saying. But Isaac loves it, he wants to hire Big Mama for his studio. Outerspace admits that his design was a disaster, but Eduardo saved the day.

Finally, Eduardo! Dina seems really nervous. Again, putting the whole miserable bitch thing aside, she looks amazing. The judges love it, but of course they yell at Eduardo, “Can’t you do anything else?” Why would he want to? I would wear a cocktail dress every day if it were socially acceptable. I salute Eduardo.

So, who wins? House of Nami! Again! They are shocked. And the top two dresses are Eduardo, of course, and Greenpeace. Puh-lease. Those are both Eduardo’s dress. And Eduardo wins! Again! If he makes it to the finale, he gets an extra $500, bringing his total to $1500.

And now, for the losers. Iman says they have to please the client but not compromise the vision. Isaac thought the color palate was muddy and unflattering. But Cindy’s dress had good proportions and radiated drama, so she can stay. They show the dress from another angle and it looks better.

Morris Day – his dress might have worked poolside, but not on the upper east side. Don’t move. Golnessa’s dress was awkwardly constructed and the flounce was terrible. She’s not going anywhere either.  Cesar had a hemline issue and the dress was too much for the model. But he’s Daddy so he can stay.

“This is The Fashion Show. And I’m sorry – Golnessa, you’re out of fashion.” Well, I guess that’s where not knowing how to cut, drape or sew will get you. Golnessa sobs in her exit, but she’s happy the other GoCi is still there. Me too, I guess. Nice people are boring.

Next time, we have a showmance! And two designers get eliminated! Fashion’s getting dramatic. And as for the question of which housewives are the bigger wastes of humanity? Still one for the ages.