The Gates: Claire, Get Better Taste in Vampires

This week opens with Sarah and Nick arriving at The Gates Country Club Homeowners Association Monthly Gathering.  Boy that sounds about as interesting as dry cardboard.  Nick’s feet are still in the parking lot he’s dragging them so hard.  Sarah’s not exactly skipping to a lou about being there either, and gives Nick a rundown of the cliquey social structure that rules The Gates.  At any given gathering, Claire hangs out with her group, Devon “holds court” wherever she is, and Karen Kreske and the Fords stick with her kind.  Haha, there’s the eternal feud between vampires and werewolves, and then there’s just Devon.  A bitch of supernatural proportions.  Sarah calls it “high school with money.”  Really?  I call it grown-ups hanging out with people they get along with avoiding people they don’t in an effort to avoid shit-disturbing.  Or maturity – you decide.  Claire and Dylan approach with quippy comments about how boring the whole thing will be, and Claire drags Sarah away to meet someone named Lynn about an opening in the Garden Club.  An exclusive garden club?  My future 35-year old self just got the chills.

“Seriously?”  “I told you it sucked.”

Nick and Dylan chat as their wives exit, making lame jokes about little they both want to be there.  But before they can fail to entertain me further, an argument erupts across the room between Simon Ford (werewolf) and McCallister (suspected vampire from a few episodes ago).  Apparently, due to daylight savings time, Simon’s sprinklers now go on just when McCallister is leaving for work.  Simon snidely asks if McCallister is afraid of a little water (I guess given Claire’s refusal to swim at the pool party last week, vampires in this world have an aversion to water), and McCallister threatens that if Simon doesn’t change the timing on the sprinklers, he’ll do it himself.  Simon doesn’t take this lightly and attacks McCallister right in the middle of the party.  I wish Leigh were there in the background sipping a margarita and gawking.

Nick grabs Simon and Dylan grabs McCallister, hissing, “Not here.  Not.  Here.”  McCaliister walks away as Simon turns to Nick and growls, “If you ever touch me again, it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”  He stalks out in the opposite direction, and Nick, bewildered, turns to Dylan for an explanation.  Dylan, not really in the mood for another supernatural study session simply says that there’s been bad blood between the two men for a long time, and the Simon is decidedly not one of them.  Nick’s confused look speaks even more to his utter lack of fantasy knowledge.  Credits.

If only there were some information about supernatural creatures that were available to me…  Perhaps on the interweb, or in novel form?

We reopen to see Simon return home, and his put-upon wife, Joan, tries to smooth things over.  She offers to make him a drink and call the gardener in the morning to change the timing on the sprinklers.  Simon grabs her by the shoulders and starts shaking her around asking if she’s suggesting he bow to vampires!  Lucas peeks into the kitchen and asks what’s up just in time for his mother to do a familiar dance of, “Nothing, nothing, don’t you have homework to do? Out of this room?”  Her son refuses to play, though, explaining his homework is done.  Simon snaps that he’s had enough of the two of them and walks out.  Ugh, good.  He’s a dick who gets pissed over sprinklers.

The next morning, Sarah’s out for a jog, and comes upon something interesting the Ford yard.  It’s Simon, beat all to shit and splayed out in the sprinklers.

Poetic!

Sarah calls 911 and we roll to credits.

At a really old looking hospital, Simon’s in the ICU in bad shape.  Good.  Joan and Coach Ross are there, so I guess the pack meeting can come to order.  Nick arrives to investigate, and Ford’s wife immediately accuses McCallister.  It does look pretty obvious.  She claims Simon went out after they returned from the party, and didn’t come back. To be fair, it looks as though he tried.   Coach Ross confirms for Nick that Simon was a well-respected member of the community, and he knows of no other enemies aside from McCallister.  Nick exits and Coach Ross turns to Joan and says he hopes it wasn’t a vampire.  I hope it wasn’t either or this episode’s mystery’s gonna be solved in five minutes into the episode as opposed to the usual seven.

It’s onto Main Street as Peg’s out for a pleasant stroll.  That is until she spots some apparently unwelcome flowers outside Devon’s.  She stalks in and Devon immediately tells her the spa is closed.  Peg’s not having it.  She calls the flowers “Devil’s Weed,” – used for the darkest of dark magics.”  Keep going, Show.  You destroy what little faith I have in holistic medicine more and more with every episode.  Not to mention my considerably stronger faith in witchcraft.  Devon claims that the plant has medicinal purposes and Peg immediately calls her out on that steaming pile of bullshit.  The witchrage, it is strong in Peg as she orders Devon to get rid of the weed and stalks out.  So Peg, as a woman, a “doctor” AND a witch is incapable of destroying plants.  Just wanted to clarify.

Unless your anger is made of very real bullets, I have yet to see you be effective at anything.

And then, SCANDAL!  Mia, Andy’s friend, walks out, claiming she’s never seen HER MOTHER so angry.  Whooaa!  Mia’s Peg’s daughter?  Mia’s into witchcraft?  Mia’s going behind said mother’s back to study said witchcraft with Devon?  Awesome!  This is actually provocative and interesting – completely unexpected!!  Devon says Peg’s overreacting and that while Devil’s Weed does have some negative drawbacks (as the name would seem to indicate), it can also be very helpful.  Well, helpful to Devon generally means deadly to others, but I guess she’s not technically lying.  She sends Mia off to school like a good evil mentor, but not before both agree that if Peg ever found out Mia was studying the craft with Devon, bitch’d flip.  Mia grumbles that her mother’s forced her hand because she won’t teach her daughter the cool stuff.  Devon coos that Peg just doesn’t want to admit Mia’s growing up.  Mia believes her and proves she might be “nice” like Sarah.

Morning continues at the Radcliffe’s as Dylan and Claire discuss Simon Ford’s unfortunately non-fatal assault.  They both agree that it probably wasn’t a vampire – they’re certain no one in The Gates would break the “truce” without “sanction.”  And I thought Sarah was bad at shoving people together who didn’t want anything to do with each other.  She’s got nothing on Buckley.  Dylan heads off to work insinuating that it was probably another werewolf, rolling his eyes that they’re always fighting amongst themselves.  Damn, when it comes to the vamp/were eternal conflict, I am solidly Team Edward, but the were’s do have a point when it comes to vampires being pretty uppity.

Then again, they are generally more attractive and immortal, so it’s not like they don’t have reason.

At school, Andy and Mia chat happily at their lockers, until Andy spots Brett with the wolfgang and waves sweetly.  Mia’s all, “Girl?  Double u? Tee?  Eff?”  – those kids never talked to Andy before when she and Brett were actually dating, so is there something Andy is hiding now that everyone’s all friendly-like?  Andy avoids both answering that question and Charlie, skedaddling as soon as she sees him approach.  Charlie does some more whining about how Andy’s avoiding him for no reason, but Mia’s going through the same thing, and snaps that she can’t help as she heads to class.  Charlie sits by the girls’ lockers and wonders if he smells.

Let me guess, you don’t get it!

The wolfgang rounds a corner with Brett, everyone happy-go-lucky.  Until they spot Lucas, who sees Charlie’s brood and raises him a sneer.  The gang offers their condolences about Simon, and Brett says Lucas is looking much better after the gunshot.  The domestic violence and probable alcoholism that most likely informs much of Lucas’ homelife makes him unreceptive to Brett’s friendship.  He aggressively asks if Brett’s been running with the pack while the wound was healing, and Brett tentatively admits that it was only a few times, and now that Lucas is back, Brett will of course give up leadership.  Lucas growls that it’s fine that Brett’s been going out without him, and that if Brett wants to lead the pack, he can.  Lucas doesn’t need friends, you see.  He’s got sweet, sweet anger to keep him warm at night.

I don’t need you!  I don’t need anybody!

Time to cut class and head to the police station.  Nick’s interviewing McCallister the Vampire.  McV didn’t see Simon after the party.  He left, went straight home and snots that he was on a conference call with Taiwan all night.  He’s very important, you see.  Jeez, vampires are uppity.  Anyway, while he didn’t see Simon, McCallister does confirm that no one – NO ONE likes the guy, but people are afraid to do anything about it.  Nick curiously asks if McCallister is afraid of his nemesis, and McV laughs and confirms that that’s a negatory.  Then, unaware that Nick’s fully aware of vampires in The Gates, McV mysteriously says that Simon isn’t going to hurt him (what with the truce and all), and advises Nick to investigate people Simon has already harmed.  Like Coach Ross.  Hmm.  Nick remarks that he thought Simon and Coach Ross were friends, and McCallister sneers that Simon doesn’t have any friends – regardless of how it might look.

Uppity AND nosey, it seems.

McCallister leaves and Nick meets up with Marcus to see if his back-to-plucky deputy has found anything.  The answer is a resounding “Yes, Sir!  Found something interesting, Sir!”  Marcus explains that when Coach Ross arrived to coach the football team, he and Simon got into a a brawl outside the country club (how is Simon not banned from the club, yet?), and Ross was beaten unconscious.  However, when the old chief tried to go after Simon, Ross refused to press charges.  Nick’s even more confused and tells Marcus to investigate Ford’s neighbors to see if they have anything to say about the man’s behavior.

Back at the Radcliffe’s Emily’s home from school, playing outside and Claire calls her in to do homework.  But Emily doesn’t want to come inside – she and Uncle Christian aren’t done playing, yet!!  Claire stalks onto the patio to find Christian drawing or something with her daughter, and she’s appalled.  I can’t tell if it’s at his presence or the douchey, douche look he gives her when she discovers him.

No wonder she’s till with her husband.

She practically punts Emily into the house, explaining that she and “Uncle Christian” need to have a talk.  And if you thought Claire was pissed when Dylan brought Christian home for dinner, you ain’t seen nothing yet.  She looks like she’d like nothing better than to rip his head clean off his body as she asks how he dares come into her home and threaten her daughter.  By doing crafts with her?  Christian brushes her off and invites her to dinner that night at eight.  Needless to say, this does not change Claire’s tune, so Christian is finally reduced to resorting to threats.  If she doesn’t show, he’ll call Dylan and reveal everything about their hunting and Claire’s betrayal.  I wish Claire had the cajones to be all, “Bitch, you ain’t shit.  Tell my husband.  He might divorce me, but he’ll definitely kill you, and then at least I won’t have to worry about showing up at my house anymore.”  She doesn’t, though.  Just stares at him in fury and frustration as he leaves.  Don’t you ever get tired of getting pushed around, Claire?

Back at the station, Nick’s got Coach Ross in his office, and is probing him for information about his and Simon’s fight at the country club.  Ross mouthpieces that the whole thing was a misunderstanding.  Coach was new in town, parked in Simon’s parking space and there was a quibble.  Coach claims he didn’t handle it very well.  The look on Nick’s face at this “explanation” could be translated to mean, “Duh, nothing you handle well ends up with you being unconscious except drink and drugs.”  He asks the coach point blank if he can hear how crazy that explanation sounds, and the coach remains silent, making it very clear he’s done with this conversation.

I shall woof no more on this subject.

Nick takes the hint and moves on to inquire about the coach’s whereabouts the night of Simon’s assault.  Ross answers that he was in Chester meeting with college recruiters.  He stayed at a hotel and was gone all night.  Nick demands the number for the hotel and the names of the recruiters, and Ross agrees to get him a list.  He gets up to leave and tells Nick that a lot of people are hungry for an explanation of what happened to Simon – he has a lot of friends.  Nick counters that only Ross and Joan seem to think so.  Ross asks if the people feeding Nick that information are “people” like McCallister.  Before Nick can answer, Ross concludes that if Nick thought McV did the doing, the coach wouldn’t be in his office right now.  Ross is no idiot, that’s for sure.  Nick bristles a little bit at the implied unprofessionalism and snaps that he’s questioning everyone until they give him some straight answers.  I love that Nick has gotten into a pissing match with literally every male in The Gates.

Except for Marcus, of course.  Who’s finished canvassing Simon’s street and of course, came up with nothing.  That fact combined with the fact that McV’s and Ross’ alibis are pretty tight is leading Nick to one giant dead end.  But then the phone rings with good news!  Simon’s doing much better and should wake up soon.  Nick hightails it to the hospital to make sure he’s there to ask questions as soon as Simon comes to.

Andy’s leaving school when Brett runs up behind her and asks if she wants to go swimming.  And for a moment they remind me of Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher.  If those two adorable kids were possessed of deadly, supernatural abilities as opposed to slingshots and bonnets.  It’s still cute.  Andy, in what has become her customary fashion avoids the question and asks Brett just what he told his friends about her.  They’re treating her differently, and there’s obviously a reason.  Brett backs off immediately and says he just told them that she was “special.”  Brett?  No girl – and I mean no girl, be she vamp, fae or succubus wants to be called that to other people by someone she’s not dating.  It’s just close to retarded.  Thankfully, Andy allows him to continue, and Brett explains that he and his friends are SO special that they have to be careful around humans, and so generally avoid them.  Understandable.   It was awkward before, but now that Andy’s a freak, all the other freaks are totally cool with her!  Awesome?

Andy seems to think so, because she immediately relaxes and reveals to Brett her troubles with the meds.  They made her feel horrible, so she stopped taking them, but then she almost hurt Charlie.  She’s distraught, but you can practically smell Brett’s mental fist pump at the possibility of Charlie being felled by a girl.  Andy cries that she didn’t mean to, and Brett jumps in to provide some comfort.  He totally understands.  When they were dating, he was constantly afraid he’d hurt her, what with the wolfrage and all.  He didn’t though.  Andy brightens and Brett concludes that they were careful – and lucky.  Just like her parents…  Will someone PLEASE tell Andy that her crazy, lifesucking madre was killed by her dad in self-defense?  Her slow descent into killing one of her boyfriends is getting hard to watch.  I’d say that’s a job for Dr. Peg, but considering she’s too much of a damn ninny to pull out some flowers on her own, the odds are unlikely that she’ll be of any help.  Makes me wish Barbara were still around.

Do I have to do everything myself?

Nick arrives at the hospital to find Lucas at the vending machine.  He approaches, gently asking some more questions, and Lucas looks seriously freaked out.  Nick asks if Lucas is absolutely sure he heard nothing on the night of his father’s attack, Lucas confirms that he didn’t.  His mother went to bed early and he while he was up late doing homework, he was listening to headphones and didn’t hear anything.  Nick mentions Charlie’s on his headphones all the time, too, and jokes that kid is gonna go deaf before he gets to college.  Unless Andy kills him first!  Lucas has that great “And I give a fuck, why?” look, that teenagers get when parents of kids they aren’t friends with talk about them like they are.  Lucas gives more of a shit about the toilet paper in the hospital bathroom than he does about Charlie’s headphone use.  He mumbles something in response just as Joan walks up, telling him he needs to get back to school.  Lucas protests that he wants to be there to help, but Joan tut tuts that the best way can help her is to be in school.  Dutifully, he goes.  Aww, Lucas is nice to his mom.

Bout time he gained some emotional range that went beyond “Dick” and “Dick with an abusive dad.”

As soon as Lucas is gone, Joan immediately turns to Nick and asks why he hasn’t arrested McV, yet.  Nick simply states that he doen’t think the man did it.  Joan’s not convinced, swearing it was him or one of his friends.  Nick doesn’t have time to explain the concept of an airtight alibi to her, because they arrive at Simon’s room and he’s GONE!  Gone, I say!  Nick does a quick and panicked survey of the scene which reveals an empty bed and an open window, four stories up.  He checks out the drop and it dawns on him there might be something supernatural going on.  At this point, that should just be his go-to.

Night falls on an unfamiliar apartment outside The Gates, and Claire’s arrived at Christian’s, like a good little victim.  Claire greets him coldly, pointing out the only reason she’s there is that he gave her no choice.  Christian queries in that “I know better” tone that’s really starting to chap my ass, if she’s there because of the threat or her desire.

Given her outfit, I’m going with threat, you ass.

Claire sniffs at Christian’s charm, and he announces that dinner’s ready and they’ll go out for a drink afterward.  Not budging an inch toward the table and Christian’s little psycho dream world, she asks what the whole thing is about.  Is he trying to turn her back into a legitimate vampire?  Christian’s confused, and she presses on.  He’s been systematically trying to destroy her life and she can’t figure out why.

Dear Show, Neither can I.  Christian went from being an old friend who just wanted to have a little fun, to a vampire stalker in less than two episodes.  That’s zero to psycho in like, ten seconds.  We’re all a little confused.  Please kill him this episode so everyone can move on.  Thanks!

Christian protests that he’s trying to save her – save them!  And then he proposes… I think.  He grabs a box and presents her with a ring that’s been in his family for generations.  It looks, smells and sounds like a proposal, but there’s no actual talk of marriage, so I’m not sure.  Claire’s overwhelmed and of course can’t accept – she’s with Dylan, remember?  Christian cuts her off, and reveals that he should have been the one to turn her!  It should have always been them!  I take him at his word because the show hasn’t seen fit to give us any real insight into the history Dylan/Christian/Claire gang beyond the fact that they hung out and killed people a lot.  Claire, however, disagrees, protesting that she never felt that way about him, and is sorry if he misunderstood.  Uh-oh.  Stalkers NEVER want to hear that.  Christian’s getting desperate, begging her to understand that Dylan will never see how perfect she is, but he, Christian, does.  It’s worthy of note that Claire’s getting pretty nervous at this point.  She obviously did not realize just how deep and crazy Christian’s feelings for her were.  He goes on about how good they could be together and how happy can make her.  And then he drops the L-Bomb!

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone’s face register “FUCKFUCKFUCK” more.

She desperately tries to make Christian understand that she doesn’t love him, she loves her husband, and even if Christian did tell him, it wouldn’t matter – the “bond” between her and Dylan could never be broken.  Uh-oh.  Never say “never” to vampire.  Never say “never” to a stalker.  And NEVER say “never” to a combination of the two.  Claire tries to say goodbye, but Christian raises his hangdog head and he’s got the blackeyes.  She’s not going anywhere.  He says there is a way to break the bond she and Dylan share.  I’m sorry, is this scene moving toward some kind of vampire rape?  I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or kind of offended.  He grabs her, wrestles her to the ground and Claire cries that she doesn’t want this, she wants to be with Dylan.  Pretty much the worst possible thing she could have said at that precise moment, and Christian bites.  He whispers that when Dylan finds out, he won’t want her.

As if on cue, we cut to Claire and Dylan’s bedroom, and Dylan wakes with a start, fangs out, eyes black.  He’s horrified at something, and jumps out of bed.

My shirt!  Where is my shirt!!!!

The next morning, Nick’s talking a doctor, trying to figure out just what the hell happened with Simon Ford’s mysterious exit.  The doctor confirms that security camera shows no one entering or leaving the room between the time anyone last saw Simon and the discovery of his absence.  There was also no one in the hallways.  Finally, even if Simon did wake up, there was no way he could have left on his own power.  However, Marcus rushes in with a laptop in tow, showing Nick something interesting that was captured on the CCTVs outside the hospital.  You guessed it!  It’s fearsome Simon, trotting across the street in a hospital dress that ties in the back.

I have a feeling this was far more hilarious than it was meant to be.

Sigh, it wouldn’t be a day at school if Charlie didn’t find some way to brood over Andy.  He confronts her in the hallway and asks what’s wrong.  Ever since he fainted, she’s been acting like there’s something wrong with him.  Well, yeah.  You fainted.  Under the best of circumstances which would not include Andy’s freakish nature, getting the vapors after a makeout session isn’t very manly.  Because she would rather Charlie think she were a total bitch, as opposed to, um, a maneater, Andy just breaks up with him right there.  She’s been doing some thinking and doesn’t think it’s such a good idea them being together.  Then Charlie utters the line that makes ME want to dump him, “I don’t get it!”  You don’t get ANYTHING, Dude.  And while I get that you would not automatically guess that your ex just went through a supernatural revelation, come up with something else to do about it beside shouting into the wind.  Anyway, Andy blah blahs that she never meant to hurt him, but she made a mistake.  Then she actually says, in all seriousness, “Sorry, Charlie,” and I laugh for several minutes.  He tries once more to get her to tell him why, and she just walks off, leaving him flat.  K, so Charlie gets on my nerves, but Andy’s kind of a selfish cunt, no?

Yeah, I know she’s “going through something,” but that’s like, the entirety of high school.  Doesn’t give you the right to suck this hard.

Claire returns home from what must have been a very odd walk of shame and finds Dylan in the living room.  He’s been up all night waiting for her.  He asks if “it’s true?” and looks at her neck, seeing the bites.  Claire is so, so tragic here as she whispers that it wasn’t her choice.  Dylan’s too angry to notice how obviously traumatized she is (or maybe he’s just over dealing with her constant bullshit), and asks who.  She whispers, “Christian.”   Then Dylan’s quiet storm of anger morphs into a category 4 hurricane of rage.  He asks if he’s just supposed to believe Christian all of a sudden decided to break their bond, and way too late, Claire admits that she and Christian have been secretly hunting together outside The Gates.  She uselessly claims that she tried to stop, but Christian wouldn’t allow it.  He wound up wanting more – specifically her.  And then Dylan uses one finger to push Claire right off the edge of the cliff she’s been teetering on for so long.  He spits that Christian is the only one who wants her.  The only one.  That stings.  Claire weeps that that’s precisely what Christian said Dylan would say.  Asshats think alike, it seems.  Dylan simply demands her phone, and walks away amidst Claire’s entreaties, leaving her all alone, in a big house, just like she was afraid he would.

I think you broke her, Dylan.

After the commercial, Marcus is in the parking lot, trying to make sense of Simon’s exit.  Even if he could have woken up and walked out on his own, where would he have gone?  He and Nick find a discarded IV in the parking lot, which most likely belongs to Simon.  Though, they care currently outside The Gates, so it’s possible that it’s just that pesky public litter… But then they find some clothes and a phone in close range, so the trail is pretty clear.

Immediate cut to the high school girls bathroom (it’s a logical transition because girls are always leaving their clothes, phones and IVs around…) where Mia finds Andy.  And she’s pissed.  Unlike her mother, she’s ready to do something about it and confronts Andy about just up and ditching Charlie and kind of ditching her, too.  Andy freaks out at the idea that she could be a bros before hoes kinda girl, and assures Mia that they’re best friends and will always be so!  Andy apologizes for being such a cunt, but Mia demands an explanation.  As well she should.  I fucking hate it when bitches check out with no explanation but, “I’m just going through a really hard time right now, and I need to be myself.”  Dude, we’re friends, not life partners.  Just give a head’s up and it’s all good.  Without said head’s up, you are sucky and inconsiderate.  Andy finally redeems herself a little bit and spills.  She’s a freak, and just recently found out.  She pulled away from Mia before Mia could pull away from her.  Then the estrogen abounds as Mia’s all, “You’re my friend, and an I don’t care what you are, I’ll always be your friend!”  Oh, many a drunk slut have I said this to, and totally reneged on once I figured out just how crazy they were.  But Mia’s still in high school, so I get her commitment.  Andy shows her the rash, and all is well.

The only problem is, what Mia knows, Devon will know.

It’s onto Christian’s place as he receives the last text he’ll ever see.  It’s from “Claire.”  “Dylan” reacted just the way Christian said he would, and Claire’ll be over at nine.  Christian smiles in belief because Claire is his one weakness, and he is immediately jumped and rendered unconscious by Dylan.  All I have to say?  “Good.”

Meanwhile, Peg’s up late looking at x-rays when Mia walks in, all in a huff.  Not only will her mother not teach her the “cool stuff,” she didn’t even tell her that Andy was some wicked, maneating babe!  Peg, to her credit, doesn’t bat an eyelash, explaining that she protects doctor/patient confidentiality especially in the case of her daughter’s best friend.  But, since everything’s out in the open, Peg does reveal that as long as Andy stays on her meds, her succubus side shouldn’t be an issue.  Mia protests and asks if there isn’t some sort of permanent cure for Andy’s condition.  Peg answers sadly that there isn’t.  If Andy goes off the meds, eventually her energy imbalance or whatever will kill her.  She conveniently leaves out the part where Andy could suck another human being dry to stay alive (valuable info for Mia who’s invested in Charlie and Andy’s relationship), and I start to get where some people might view Peg’s reticence as a dangerous thing.

That hair holds many secrets…

Later on,  Marcus has tracked the cell phone to a nurse in the hospital.  Luckily there was a call made in the time since the phone went missing and was found in the parking lot, and it was to one Karen Kreske.  Awesome!  Not because this makes for scandal, but because it means there’s Karen in this episode.  I need a little Karen in my life once in a while.

That night, Nick goes to question Karen, but he hears angry voices from her house – one of which sounds like Coach Ross’s.  He decides to listen in a bit before barging in, and we catch a snippet of, “I didn’t have a choice!” and “He didn’t want anyone to know!” before we cut inside.  Coach snaps that Simon’s harassed Karen for months, and he can’t understand why she would help him.  Apparently half the pack thinks he was forcing her to sleep with him.  And obviously let it happen…  So this pack sucks.  Karen protests that she only helped Simon on the condition that he would leave and never come back.  I guess even abusive werewolves keep their promises.  But before she can go any further, Coach stops, looks and listens.  Someone’s outside…  Cut to Nick at the kitchen window, then cut to coach, then cut to Nick getting hauled in the kitchen window BY coach!  Ha!  Nick’s bewildered then even more so when he looks up to see Ross and Karen Kreske staring down at him with yellow eyes.  He draws his gun, but I think even he knows by this point that it might as well be filled with water.  Commercial!

I don’t believe in spooks!  I DON’T believe in spooks!  I don’t! I don’t! I don’t! I don’t! I don’t!

And we’re back!  Coach, now happy to be faced with a non-mortal enemy relaxes.  He tells Nick to do the same, that they won’t hurt him.  They just thought he might be a vampire.  Okay, so vampires are uppity, but werewolves are paranoid.  At Nick’s surprise at being found out, Coach also reveals that “they” (werewolves) know that Nick (human, police chief) knows “they” (vampires) exist.    And now, Nick knows about “them” (werewolves).  Come on, Show!  There were like, eight misplaced modifiers in that sentence.  I know I do it all the time, but I’m not getting paid.

Anyway, Nick’s freaked to all hell that there’s something other than vamps out there and asks just what the fuck the coach and Karen are.  Karen gorgeously answers (because everything she does is gorgeous) that they’re Lycanthroposis.  Werewolves.  Nick’s all, “What????” because he just can’t take it at the moment, and then comes out of shock enough to guess, “Vampires and werewolves?  Is that what this is all about?”  Oh, good.  It looks like Nick’s finally picked up a Twilight.  Glad you’ve hopped onto the zeitgeist, Nick!  We’re happy to have you.  Ross explains that Simon was the alpha of the pack, and when an alpha is defeated, someone generally takes over leadership.  But no one did… so the only answer must be that a vampire is at fault.  Thusly, the truce that exists between vampires and wolves inside The Gates is broken, and everyone’ll be going to the mattresses sometime soon.  Which means not even the humans will be safe.  Nick, trading on whatever “Godfather” knowledge he can, asks if he can be allowed to grab Dylan and McCallister to arrange a sitdown.  Coach and Karen are amendable, but it’ll need to happen fast.  Karen says Joan would probably be in favor, but she and Lucas have been through so much already…  This perks Nick’s ears.  He turns to Ross and asks how the coach heard him outside.  Ross says he can tell the make of a car by how the engine sounds over a mile away.  Nick asks what if the coach has headhphones in, and Ross says that werewolves ears are too sensitive.  They can’t wear them.

That’s a load of crap – how do you stand coaching amidst a roaring crowd?

We head to the Ford house, in which Nick is requestioning Lucas and his mother about what happened.  But this time, all the cards are on the table, and Nick’s knowingly talking to werewolves.  He says Lucas claimed to be wearing headphones, but now they all know that wasn’t true.  Joan jumps in to protest that Ross should never have revealed their nature.  It wasn’t his right.  Lucas jumps in right back and growls that he didn’t have a choice.  Joan tells Nick her son didn’t do anything, but Nick begs to differ.  Everyone talks about Simon’s temper but her, and he thinks that’s because she’s the one who knows it best.  And knows just how afraid of it to be…  Oh, goodness gracious, something’s bugging me about this whole thing – gimme a minute, Guys.

Dear Show,

Don’t get me wrong.  I love Karen Kreske.  But wouldn’t  it have been better to spend more time developing the obviously important abusive relationship between Simon, Joan and Lucas?  Couldn’t Joan have been the perfectionist with cracked plaster?  Then this episode her nightmare would have been revealed and it would have resonated so much more.

Think about it, Alex

Okay, I’m back.  Lucas finally erupts with, “He hit my mom!”  Nick asks why no one ever said anything and Joan admits that if anyone had gotten involved, Simon would have killed them.  Or got beaten to a bloody pulp.  But hindsight’s 20-20.  Nick asks Lucas to tell him what happened, and Lucas reveals that his dad, normally so quiet no one would hear him coming till it was too late, was clumsy and drunk that night.  Lucas, knowing what would happen if Simon made it into the house, met his dad on the lawn.  He had to do something.  Simon screamed that his son was an idiot and an embarrassment, but obviously missed the fact that he was a sober, very healthy seventeen-year-old wolf.  With raging hormones and a helluva lot of pent up wolfrage.  Lucas hit his dad, and his dad went down.  It was all so easy.  So he just kept hitting and hitting and hitting, until finally, it was done.  It’s a sad, sad scene.  Joan starts to cry and begs Nick not to tell anyone.  And for all of his ridiculous shortcomings in the world of pop-fantasy, I forgive him.  Because he’s not going to do anything.  He’s not going to tell anyone, and he’s not going to punish Lucas for protecting the only thing of value to him, his mom.  Simon’s gone.  Lucas ventures that is dad was alpha, though.  And since he challenged him, that makes Lucas alpha.  Joan panics that her son will now be challenged.  He caught Simon by surprise, but there’s no way he’ll be successful against the others.  What’s to be done?  Of course, they turn to Nick.

We know this has been kind of a big night for you, but would you mind helping us smooth things over?  We’ll brief you on everything you need to know!  You’ll need some jerky to stick in your pocket.

After all the suspense, we cut to Andy and Brett studying in her room.  Andy’s jittery and Brett asks if she’s feeling okay.  She’s just tired, she claims, and closes her computer.  That’s girl code for “I need to talk.”  She says that when she told him about making Charlie sick, she wondered how she could not make Brett sick, too.  This is like, the best day of Brett’s life, so he’s full of explanations.  See, his cells regenerate at a faster rate than humans, so it’s doubtful her sucking out his lifeforce would have the same effects as it did with, poor, weak Charlie.  I.E. His dick is bigger.  He even cuts himself and heals instantly to prove it to her.  Aww, anyone else miss “Heroes”?  Anyway, Brett reveals that werewolves can be hurt and killed, a la Simon, but just not as easily as humans.  Andy’s all, “But we still don’t know what would happen if…” and Brett’s all, “But we haven’t tried.  Okay, Brett’s super nice and not pushy at all throughout this whole explanation, but I can’t help but feel like his v-card’s burning a hole in his back pocket and he thinks Andy’s just the girl to take it off his hands.  He ends the scene with the telltale quote of all manipulative teenage boys looking to get some, “Just trust me.  It’ll be okay.  You’ll see.”

Condoms, Guys.  That’s all I’ll say.

We head to woods to find Dylan plowing through armed with… pails of water.  Okay…  Still not getting why vampires would ever be afraid of water, but I’m curious enough to stay on the train.  He reaches Christian, all tied to a tree and spits, “You had no right.”  Christian counters that Dylan had no right and is rewarded with splash to the face.  Do they melt or something?  Is this all some odd reference to the Wizard of Oz?  Christian continues that Dylan thought he could change Claire, could change himself, into human-friendly vampires, complete with child.  More water, and I notice white dribbles on Christian’s face, not unlike when I jump in a pool too soon after putting on sunblock.  Ooooh……  Dylan says that Christian has no say in their lives, and Christian straight up calls that life BUUUULLSHIT.  He says the Dylan and Claire will never be anything but vampires – dirty, blood sucking , human killing vampires.  Oh Christian.  You’re not wrong, but that was soooo not the right time to bring that up.   More water.

Dylan hits back that he knows that.  He knows all of that and has for some time, but that doesn’t change what Christian did.  Agreed.  The sky gets brighter and Dylan, his work done, heads to his car parked close by.  Christian starts laughing, and asks Dylan what he’s doing.  They’re friends!  Come on!  What’s a little vampire wife-rape between friends?  Dylan answers, “We were.”  Friends, that is, and drives away.  Christian keeps yelling, maybe out of desperation, or maybe because Dylan can actually hear him, but either way it makes no difference.  The sun rises, and Christian, the Unworthy Vampire, burns.

If this scene doesn’t teach people to use sunblock, I don’t know what will.

We’re nearing the close of the story as we find Nick and Lucas talking to a considerably more sympathetic Coach Ross.  Nick tells Ross that Lucas is only 17, and there must be something to be done.  The coach apologizes to Lucas, admitting that he had no idea how bad it was for the boy and wishes he had done more.  He then volunteers to take the wrap for the attack because as beta, it was his right to challenge Simon.  Nick asks if the pack will believe the story, and coach says that most likely yes, though some will need convincing.  He behaves like a real leader, though – one who takes care of those less powerful – and says he’ll make sure the transition is seamless.  Then he thanks Nick for treating them all with respect – it’s been a long time since anyone in the chief position has done that.  And it’s been a long time werewolves have had anybody they could trust.  Aww, good.  Neat and tidy.

Not so much so, for the Radcliffe’s.  Dylan returns home, and Claire’s still in the same chair we left her, waiting for him.  She asks what he did, and he simply says he took care of it.  Making it sound like the whole thing came at a big personal loss.  Except you weren’t physically violated against your will, so let’s maybe come down off that high horse a bit?  As usual, Dylan can’t hear me, and puts his wife down some more by explaining that the reason he did it was that in spite of her lies, she’s still his wife.  He heads upstairs.  Claire can’t quite believe she still has a place to call home, even though she’s a victim within her own walls.  She rubs her neck and cries and I feel worse for her than I ever have.

This would have been a perfect opportunity for Karen to stop by.  Sigh, maybe next week.

We close that evening with Nick and Sarah sitting by the pool.  Sarah confides that this whole thing with Simon really scared her.  Nick glosses over the whole thing so she won’t worry.  Ford just got involved with the wrong people, is all.  She goes to fix dinner and he says he’ll be in in a second.   Not before he gets a visit from Simon, though!  Nick freaks at Simon’s appearance, but the wolf says he’s just there to talk.  He won’t hurt him.  Simon says (hee) that he’s leaving.  But before he goes, he warns Nick that the vampires can’t be trusted, and that vamps and wolves will never be able to coexist peacefully.  I hope not or this’ll be a really boring season finale.  The day’s coming when it’s all going to erupt and Nick shouldn’t be there when it does.  Nick counters that he doesn’t trust anybody.  Somehow that makes Simon feel better, and he makes to leave.  But not before asking Nick to deliver a message to his son.  Nick nods hesitantly and, Simon just says, “Tell my son… I’m proud of him.”  With that, he changes and scampers off into the night, leaving Nick to contemplate just what he’s gotten himself into.  And he doesn’t even know about Devon!

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a vampire werewolf war and Devon used the distraction to miniaturize everyone and stick them in various snowglobes?  Ironic punishment for gated community dwellers, don’t you think?