The Gates: Don’t F With Devon

This episode is aptly, if not prosaically titled, “Repercussions.”  Guess what it’s about!  Repercussions!  Both good and bad from the myriad discoveries that were made last episode – Andy discovering she’s a succubus, Barbara discovering Claire’s trysts with Christian, Sarah discovering the truth behind the Wolcott shooting and Nick and Dylan discovering their mutual passion for each other.  Oh, and Nick discovering that Theresa is really Amanda (Wolcott!) at the point of a gun, only to then discover, upon her grisly death, that Dylan is a vampire.  Phew.  There must be some big fallout to be had this week.  You’d think…  It was all a little anticlimactic for my taste.  Like no one died – NO ONE.

Not even this hot mess.

We open on what must be early morning, and Dylan must have remembered his sunblock because he’s out in the woods digging a shallow grave for Theresa (like, really shallow.  Her incredibly recognizable hair is visible about one foot deep.  Way to cover your tracks, D-Bag.).  He labors a bit more and we cut to a shot of Nick watching over Dana and Emily, remembering Theresa’s death threats to his entire family echoing in his head.  Completing the montage is Marcus, who is continuously calling Theresa’s cell phone only to keep hearing her obnoxious, “Hi, I’m Theresa and you’re not.  Leave a message!” message.

GLAD I’m not you, bitch.  GLAD.

Hours pass by and Nick returns downstairs in uniform to hear the girls telling the “Knock, knock!  Who’s there? Boo!  Boo who?” joke, and he is understandably unsettled at his daughter’s poorly developed sense of humor.  Charlie and Sarah are there too, and Sarah tells her son that Dr. Peg has given him a clean bill of health.  No mono, just a demonic girlfriend.  Charlie tries to run off and see Andy that very minute, but Sarah tells him to cool those raging hormones and give it a few days.  She’s not quite ready to be featured on “16 and Pregnant.”  She also reminds Nick that Frank Buckley is hosting a party for them that evening, and Dana begs her father not to embarrass them all.  As long as you and your shitty knock-knock jokes stay homebound, I think the family name shall remain untarnished, Dana.  Before her father can say as much, there’s a knock at the door – it’s Dylan!  The Daywalking Vampire!

Damned inconvenient is what it is.  Never know when to expect’em now.  Time was vampires knew how to behave.

Dylan and Nick have a brief stare-off that could give all adulterous pairs a run for their money.  Dylan asks if he can come in, and Nick, triumphantly remembering a bit of vampire lore, proudly calls for Emily to come meet her father outside, thus barring Dylan from entry.  Sarah shits all over his moment, though, and invites Dylan in seconds later.  The vampire mentions that Sarah’s volunteering with Claire at the school that day, and Nick tries to put the kebosh on that little get together by recommending that she stay home with the obviously no longer ailing Charlie.  This attempt to clear the Radcliffe’s from the Monohan consciousness is also sidestepped by a healthy Charlie, and Nick is forced to acknowledge that he and Dylan will be having breakfast, and it will be soon.

Like, next scene.  The two meet up at an outside The Gates diner to hash out the rather inconvenient truth of Theresa’s “murder.”  Dylan tries to set a peaceful tone to the conversation by opening with the fact that he would never hurt Nick’s family.  Nick bites back that seeing Dylan rip out some chick’s throat the night before makes it hard to believe that.  I don’t see how?  When someone rips out someone else’s throat to save you, they’re on your side.  When they rip out your throat to kill you, you’re in trouble.  Seems pretty simple to me.

Dylan lets that bout of stupidity slide and tells Nick he will answer some questions if it makes the cop feel more comfortable.  But, as soon as Nick starts asking questions, like, “What about Claire and Emily who have close personal relationships with my family?” and “How many vampires are in my jurisdiction?” Dylan gets all “Objection!  Irrelevant!”  He does, however, say that the holy water thing is bullshit, he doesn’t sleep in a coffin, he has a reflection and garlic merely gives him heartburn.  He also promises again that he would never hurt any of the Monohans, but that the less people that know about Theresa, the better.  Which is just what Nick needed to hear, apparently, because he immediately lets down his guard and starts breathing easier.  What?  Dude just told you all the traditional methods of warding off vampires are bullshit.  And he told you this in DAYLIGHT.

Grab your gun and vamooooose.  You are not in fucking Kansas anymore, where vampires act like they’re supposed to.

Nick, as ever, does not take my advice and starts discussing what to do about the murder.  He explains that it’ll be easy to prove Theresa was killed in self-defense, but the body, what with its throat ripped out in a very not-by-a-police-issued-gun sort of way, will be difficult to deal with.  Dylan cuts him off, stating that there is no body.  And if there is no body, there is no crime.  Remember that episode of “Buffy” when the Trio made Buffy think she killed a dude, and Spike hid the body for her – because if there was no body, there would be no crime?  And then the body was found like, ten seconds later?  Just sayin’, girl was buried shallow.

Nick obviously balks at the idea of erasing completely what’s happened, especially since Theresa was living with one of his officers.  But Dylan can’t risk an investigation, and says that if they’re going to do this, they’re going to do it his way.  Nick gives him a tight smile, and walks out, leaving Dylan with the tab.  Rude, much?

Nick arrives at the station for what will be an uncomfortable day of work, greeted by Marcus, who immediately announces that he thinks something may have happened to Theresa.  Credits!

If a thought balloon were to appear over Nick’s head right now, it would read, “S%#*.”

It’s onto Andy, as she sits on her bed researching “succubus” on the internet.  Lots of awesomely intimidating pictures flash across the scene giving her a wicked cool look at her future, but she doesn’t see it that way.  Disturbed, she elects to stay home from school, and ignores an adorable Charlie, tossing pebbles at her window, flowers in hand.  This does sort of suck for Andy, I guess.  Now every time she decides whether or not to get serious with a dude, she’s gonna have to ask herself, “But is he worth killing him for?”

Back at the police station, Leigh, who shall now be known as Leigh-vil as punishment for her crimes two episodes ago, tells Marcus that just because he’s a cop, the rules don’t change.  A person is not officially missing until they’ve been gone for over 48 hours.  Marcus turns to Nick, asking him if Theresa acted strangely at the dance, and Nick immediately flashes back to her getting killed by a vampire – strangely.  He calmly answers “No,” she took their pictures and seemed happy.  Leigh-vil pipes in that Marcus knew Theresa for only two weeks and that this wouldn’t be the first time a woman broke a man’s heart with no explanation.  Sensitivity, it is not strong among the evil.  Marcus pouts off claiming Theresa wouldn’t do something like that, and Leigh-vil follows him, useless apologies in tow.

Then we’re on to Devon’s!!!  Yay!! Devon’s back!  Oh, P.S. in the previously, the show tried to make us believe that Devon had revealed to Peg in the pilot that her ex-husband was Buckely.  Which she totally did not do.  Lame attempt at subterfuge, Writers, but better writing in hindsight.  Disbelief?  Suspended!  A really unattractive cougar leads some lady named Vanessa into the spa, claiming it’s not like she WANTS to go to Vanessa’s hubby’s ex-wife’s store, but Devon does make a damn good exfoliant, so her hands are tied.  This bitch is immediately disqualified from any of my respect due to her use of the word “hubby.”

I hope Devon makes her skin fall off.  All of it.

Vanessa just tells her to hurry, and Devon calls out, “I won’t bite.”  Vanessa nervously threatens back that she knows Devon won’t – not if she wants to lose more than her husband.  Damn, bitch.  I’ve known you all of two seconds and I already want Devon to make hair grow out of your butt.  Good luck!

Devon, totally undaunted (duh), sweetly asks if the “thing” between them has gone on far enough, and immediately we cut to a shot of the two women drinking tea.  Ahh!  The tea!  Don’t drink the tea, Vanessa!  Devon explains that she’s tired of the animosity, and since they’re going to keep running into each other, there’s no reason Vanessa shouldn’t come in her shop and no reason they should avoid each other.  She goes on that Vanessa fell in love, and that it wasn’t her fault – just chemistry.  Vanessa, who is dumb as a box of really dumb rocks, buys this shit hook, line and sinker, and apologizes for her and Frank’s deceit happy to have made a new friend who can supply cheap beauty products.  Vanessa lives in Candyland, but not for long, I’m guessing.  The conversation ends when the really unattractive cougar is ready to go, so Vanessa jumps up to leave.  But not before inviting Devon to Nick’s party that night that she happens to be hosting with Frank, Devon’s ex-husband.  Devon politely refuses, but Vanessa insists, basically reeling herself in, and Devon’s mission in the scene is achieved – she’s headed back to Buckley mansion, for nefarious reasons yet to be revealed.

Rule number one in The Gates:  Don’t fuck with Devon.

It’s back to Nick as he’s looking at a security report about damaged cameras by the northwest corner of the high school.  Cameras damaged for body-disposing purposes, perhaps?  He’s interrupted by Marcus who brings news that Dylan Radcliffe’s car was the only one to have left The Gates the previous night, so he thinks they should question him.  Nick shoots that idea down right quick, claiming that Dylan and he took their daughters to the dance together that night, and it was discovered that Dylan’s a good guy.  Nick’s not going to allow the man to be harassed, and Marcus, less than convinced leaves his office, tail between legs.  As soon as he’s gone, though, Nick picks up the phone to call Dylan about the cameras, but only gets to voicemail.

Frustration, thy name is vampire!!

Up next, it’s Sarah and Claire, as they hang up posters as part of their volunteer work at the high school.  Claire is doing this in a pencil skirt and high heels, by the way.  Not strictly relevant, but hilarious.  Sarah walks up and announces that the principal heard of her fundraising work in Chicago, and offered her a job in the Development Office.  Huzzah!  Claire congratulates her and they start making plans to celebrate as Barbara walks up IN THE UGLIEST SUIT EVER to donate art supplies.  She asks where she can put them, and Claire whips them out of her hand, saying she’ll take care of it and tries to get rid of the blond gossip as fast as she possibly can.
Barbara, undaunted, as good gossips often are, asks how the dance was last night, and Sarah announces that it was fun and that Emily and Dana had a sleepover afterwards.  Barbara pointedly asks if it was at Claire’s house, and when Claire grits out a “No (bitch),” Barbara comments on how tired Claire looks.  She babbles that she also burns the candle at both ends and between work and her rip-roaring social life, only gets about four hours of sleep each night.  She goes on, digging her own grave deeper and deeper, saying that Sarah and Claire don’t have to worry about balancing work and manhunting because they have such wonderful husbands.  Barbara’s one of those people who speaks in italics.  She adioses with a promise to see them at the party – everyone’s going to be there, and it should be an interesting evening.  Sarah comments that Barbara’s a piece of work, and Claire agrees, mentally stabbing the woman through the face with an ice pick.

I mean, the suit is reason enough make sure this woman never again sees the light of day.

We fluidly transition to the Radcliffe household in which the maid announces Marcus’ order-disobeying presence.  Dylan greets him, and Marcus gets straight to the point – he has a few questions about Dylan’s whereabouts the night of the dance.  Cue overly dramatic music aaaand Commercial!

We’re back as Marcus hands Dylan a picture of Theresa and asks him if he recognizes her.  Dylan smoothly answers that she’s the photographer from the dance.  He asks what the questioning’s about, and Marcus, doing an adorably bad impression of Nick, attempts to be intimidating.  He comes off like a kid pretending to be a noir dectective.  He claims that the woman in the photo is Theresa Goodwin, and the police have reason to believe that something happened to her after the dance, see?  Dylan asks if Chief Monohan shares Marcus’ concerns, and Marcus, failing miserably at Nick’s character study, grouches that that’s none of Dylan’s concern, and moves onto asking why Dylan left The Gates early that morning.  Dylan retrieves some cough syrup, answering that his wife was sick and he needed to buy her some medicine.  Marcus can barely contain his “A-HA!” when he asks why Dylan would have had to be gone an hour for such a simple errand, but Dylan doesn’t bat an eyelash.  He just mentions that the only 24-hour pharmacy nearby is in Franklin, and produces a receipt that proves he was at said pharmacy around five in the morning – and Game Point! – about a half hour before his documented return to The Gates. Marcus, defeated at every turn, mentally heads back to the kids’ table and leaves, but not before promising to come back and talk to Claire.  He walks out slightly puffed up at his own amateurish detective work, leaving Dylan with a steadily building vampire rage.

Bloody food that talks.  Time was humans knew how to behave.

The scene changes to Peg’s office and Andy’s back as the doctor gives her an exam.  She says that Andy’s condition is under control, but none of that is making Andy feel any better.  Peg tries to buck her up by calling her “unique,” but Andy’s a teenage girl, and being “unique” at that age is about as awesome as contracting genital warts from you’re a guy who swore you were his first.
Peg asks if it would make Andy feel better if she told her that there was a way to control her condition the way some people control diabetes.  Andy brightens a bit at the prospect of not killing every man she’s with, and asks if being a succubus is like just having a disease.  Peg answers that it is – that her body can’t regulate its energy normally, and when it gets low, the succubus side emerges, sucking energy from other people.  What is it about this show that makes mythical beings so mind-numbingly boring?  It’s Supernatural Sesame Street.  The number of the day is t-h-i-r-t-e-e-n and the letter of the day is “Omega.”

Anyway, it’s at that moment Andy realizes that she caused Charlie’s “mono,” and begins to feel worse.  But Peg reveals that she’s working on an herbal supplement that will help regulate Andy’s “lifeforce” (exact quote, btw), and hopefully suppress her succubus side for good.  It’s in the word “hopefully” that Andy’s continued purpose on this show survives.  That supplement ain’t gonna work for shit.  Andy is not gifted with the foreshadowing skills of a watchful audience, though, and she brightens at the prospect of a normal life.

Dylan’s brooding, daydrinking and throwing around glassware as Claire arrives home.

If a thought balloon were to appear over Claire’s head at this moment it would read, “What the F#$%?”

Her husband states the obvious point that he needs to talk to her, and reveals the events of the previous night.  He’s just sick about it, you see, because if the “others” find out that he’s revealed himself, he’ll be killed and Claire and Emily will be banished.  Who are the “others”?  Other vampires?  The community of supernatural creatures in The Gates?  Questions I hope will be answered a later date.  Claire is eight kinds of pleased that a) Dylan remains unaware of her nights with Christian, b) he’s finally acting like a real fucking vampire and c) the shoe’s on the other foot for once.  She resolves that she and Dylan will not let their family be destroyed, and Dylan protests that he doesn’t know how long he can keep Nick’s investigation at bay.  Claire smiles that the chief just needs a little more convincing, and that before Dylan traded in his dick and fangs for a life in sunlight and suburbia, he could be very persuasive.  You can literally see Claire’s passion for her husband reawaken right then and there, and if this were “Trueblood,” they’d have had sex on the kitchen island that very minute.

But it’s not, so we immediately cut to a shot of Nick driving up to the point where the cameras were disabled and checking out the scene of the crime all guilty-like.  Finding nothing, he heads back to his SUV, but when he gets in, he catches a flash of a man running across the woods.  Before he can really identify what he’s seeing, the dispatch radio distracts him, and he flips back and forth between running man and the radio until suddenly, Dylan breaks the glass, and drags Nick out the driver’s side window.  BOOM, BITCH!  Now that is proper vampire etiquette.  Or as close as we’re going to get on this show.

Dylan throws Nick up against the side of the car, going all black-eyed and super-pissed that Nick sent Marcus to the Radcliffe’s with questions.  Nick claims ignorance of Marcus’ visit, and Dylan asks why he’s even back at the scene of the crime.  Nick spits out as best he can with Dylan’s hand around his jaw that he wanted to make sure Dylan had left nothing behind.  That doubt earns him a bodyslam to the pavement, and Dylan emphasizes in a deadly tone that everything has been taken care of.  Nick refuses to be assured, and Dylan tries throwing him against the roof of the car to see how that works at the convincing and spits in Nick’s ear that this minor beatdown is the last warning Nick’s going to get when it comes to meddling any further in the Theresa Matter.  With that, he pulls a spectacular disappearing act that leaves Nick bewildered and waving his gun at nothing.

What is he, a ghost?  Are there ghost vampires?  Fuck!

I have to take this moment and compliment Frank Grillo’s acting.  As stupid as this show is, dude’s committed.  His reaction completely conveys what it must be like for a disgraced cop from Chicago to move to a quiet suburb only to discover that not only are people pretty fucking shallow, but that all the worst fairy tales have turned out to be true – and guns are useless against them.  That’s a pretty specific piece of story to communicate, and Grillo’s doing beautifully.

Nick returns to the police station pissed the fuuuuuck off at Marcus.  He orders the practically trembling younger cop into his office and rips him several new assholes.  He screams in Marcus’ face that the lieutenant embarrassed himself and the department by disobeying orders, and sends him home for the day.  Marcus’ tail hangs even further than I thought possible between his legs as Leigh-vil watches him leave with pity in her eyes.

Nick sits down furiously at his desk, and armed with the failure of his strength and weapon against Dylan, accesses his last line of defense against the vampire – knowledge.  Or as it’s referred to nowadays – the Internet.

Know how they say not to type in private, embarrassing shit on work computers that could someday be used against you?  This is part of what they mean.

I actually Googled the same thing when I watched, and you know what I got?  “Wooden stake, idiot.  Do you live under a rock?”  Nick’s kind of a square sometimes.

Marcus arrives home coming apart at the seams at how fast his life has unraveled in less than 24 hours.  He sinks onto his couch, but unable to keep still, does something he should have done way before questioning Dylan, and searches Theresa’s luggage.  After all three seconds, he finds a notebook in the front pocket detailing all of Nick’s movements over the past week and a half.  Perplexing!  Commercial!

We immediately return to Marcus’ apartment where he’s somehow managed to summon Leigh-vil to help him interpret the mysterious notebook.  He wonders if Theresa and Nick could have been involved somehow.  Gross.  If Nick’s gonna cheat on Sarah with anyone, it’s gonna be Devon.  OhmiGod that would be so awesome!!!!  Marcus claims it would explain the way the decidedly unfriendly, non-mentorlike way Nick’s been acting toward him all day – at the very least, he thinks the chief knows what happened to his beloved of two weeks.  Leigh-vil slows him down asserting that the notebook could mean a lot of things, but if Marcus really believes something’s up, he’ll need more concrete evidence.  She advises that even though it’s not past the regulation 48 hours, they should run Theresa’s credit cards.  Marcus vows to find a way, and we cut to Andy.

Who’s a SadAndy, not at all reassured by Peg’s promise of an herbal cure-all.  Daddy Bates checks on his daughter and quickly deduces she’s not taking her diagnosis well at all.  He asks if she’s going to the Buckley’s party, and when she says no, he agrees that that’s wise, at least until Peg starts her on the medication.  He makes to leave, telling her he won’t be long, but Andy stops him.  She asks if her mother had the same rash she did, and if, when he and her mother “you know,” if her mother hurt him.  Thomas answers affirmative on both counts, and Andy wonders how they survived so many years of “you know”ing.  He says they made it work because they didn’t have any choice, and asks if Andy remembers all the times he got sick.

“Yeah – like, every Wednesday and Saturday morning!  And whenever mom had wine with dinner…  Damn,  you guys were like clockwork!”

She takes their success to mean that a healthy relationship is possible even without the medication, but Thomas holds her up, and says that he and Andy’s mother were in love, and had no other choice.  If they’d had the option of a cure, they would have jumped at it, but Andy’s still leery and is scared it won’t work.  Thomas firmly tells her to take it – that it’s her safest bet.  She pouts at the prospect of taking something that could only help her and the scene ends.  WTF, Andy?  Pop the pills and get to some makin’ out with Charlie – what could go wrong?

Leigh-vil toils into the night at the station when she receives a phone call from Marcus.  He’s found a connection running Theresa’s cards – apparently she was living in Chicago when she opened the account.  Leigh-vil bids the chief goodnight and tells Marcus he needs to get to the station right quick so they can continue the investigatin’!

It’s almost time for the party, and Sarah is trying to decide what to wear when Nick arrives home.  He is not in the mood to play stylist, or to give a shit about her new job at the school, and Sarah senses it.  He tells her he’s worried about her getting too entrenched in The Gates, and when she questions the irony of this attitude shortly before they’re about to attend a party in his honor, he enigmatically tells her that policework is as much about fitting into the community as it is about doing a good job.  Sometimes the pieces don’t fit, and it doesn’t work.  Subtext reads:  We moved into a neighborhood with fucking vampires -  time to go! Sarah crumbles a little inside, but doesn’t ask any more questions.

We move on to another doubtful couple as Claire sits at her vanity, coming down from her high at not being the most recent murderer in her house for once and starting to face the prospect of a night with Barbara at her heels.  She tells Dylan she doesn’t think they should go to the party, for fear of causing trouble, but he disagrees.  He’s done some thinking, and he’s realized that when someone (Nick) behaves recklessly, what they’re really doing is searching for someone to save them from themselves.  He claims that Nick is so focused on himself, he won’t see the damage he’s doing to those around him until it’s too late.  Claire asks how Dylan’s going to provide an intervention to this line of inevitable doom, and he answers that he’s going to let Theresa convince Nick change courses.  How that’s going to happen will be revealed at a later point in time, and we cut to back to the station.  I pray for some kind of Zombie reanimation to be involved, but I have a feeling I’m going to be disappointed.

Marcus and Leigh-vil are researching Nick’s time in Chicago, but keep coming up with nothing but articles about Nick’s shooting.  They strike gold after a minute, though, and discover a picture of the Wolcott family at Theresa’s brother’s funeral.  And there she is, Amanda Wolcott herself, right up in front.

Yahtzee!

Party time!  Cars line up outside Buckley’s impressive home, and we pan over the now-usual suspects – Vanessa (horribly dressed) and Frank, Barbara waving at Claire, and Dylan eyeing Nick from afar.  Aww, the bromance has hit a rough patch, but I think there’s hope.  Nick’s standing by a window, awkwardly greeting well-wishers when Sarah approaches telling him he’s fitting in just fine.  Needing to kill her evening, he tells her that the night’s young and she shouldn’t get her hopes up.  Vanessa arrives providing Sarah with some distraction from her much broodier than usual husband, and Devon (FABULOUSLY DRESSED) the perfect opportunity to sneak upstairs to the master bedroom.

Buckley’s room is about as douchey as it could possibly get, complete with ugly décor and a big ol’ portrait of himself covering a wall safe.  Devon smiles as she punches in a code, but it doesn’t work.  She tries another with the same result, and finally, after thinking a minute, punches in 051108 – the date of their divorce.  She’s half annoyed and half bemused when the code works, calling her ex “so predictable” as she snatches a DVD titled “Devon” from the safe, and replacing the disk.  There were a few other DVDs in the stack, with some very familiar names on them.

Me likey the blackmail.

She shuts the safe and the portrait just as the Ex-Man himself wanders up, wondering what she’s doing in his bedroom.  Devon covers beautifully, immediately turning on her Seducto-Ray, claiming she was just reliving some of the good times they had.  She slinks up to him, putting her arms around his neck and lays a kiss on a pair of unresponsive lips.  Frank pulls back, claiming he’s impervious to her charms now that he’s in love with Vanessa, and Devon exits, telling him not to be so sure – she’s got a whole new bag of tricks these days.  Like way better fashion sense than his bobble-headed new bride.  Frank smiles to himself, totally unaware he’s been had, and it’s back downstairs for us.

Charlie’s hanging around waiting for Andy, but gets a text from her letting him know that she’s sick and won’t be making it.  He sees the opportunity to act like a Romeo once more, so he steals some flowers from a nearby vase and runs off to greet his fair Juliet.  I wonder if she’ll suck the flowers dry just like she did you, Charlie.  Would that make her a vegetarian succubus?

Dylan continues to ogle Nick in a way that that is so totally noticeable I don’t know how Barbara hasn’t spread it around the party already that it’s Nick and Dylan that are having the affair, and not Claire.  He finally seizes his moment, and secret piece of paper in hand, walks up to congratulate Nick.  He slips the sheet into the chief’s hand when they go to shake, and whispers in his ear that the location of Theresa’s body is written upon it.  Nick can do with it what he likes, but Dylan hopes that Nick will protect the Radcliffe’s just like Dylan protected the Monohans.  With that he walks away, leaving Nick to contemplate the prospect of a daywalking vampire being his only buddy option in The Gates besides Marcus.  Commerical!

We return to the party to find Barbara making a gossip spree around the room worthy of Page Six, and Claire looks like she’s about to rip her own hair out.  She caves and calls Christian, leaving him a message that Barbara’s causing a problem, and his services might be needed for clean-up.  She stops mid-sentence to cancel, though, telling him not to call her back, that she’ll take care of it herself.  After all, if her husband’s allowed to kill and threaten to protect others, so should she be, right?

Right.

Oh Dylan, you are going to wish you hadn’t killed Theresa for so many more reasons by the end of the season.

Vanessa approaches Claire just as she hangs up and Claire compliments her on the party.  Not on her dress, I might add.  Claire spies Devon coming down the stairs just at that moment and wonders what in the flying fuck Frank’s psycho ex is doing there.  Vanessa happily explains that after their five-minute heart-to-heart that afternoon, they’re both ready to put betrayal, dislike and desire for vengeance behind them.  Claire doesn’t have time for this shit at the moment, and immediately tells Vanessa it’s fucking stupid, and maybe deadly to believe a word out of Devon’s mouth.  She also calls attention to Frank, the unfaithful husband, coming down the stairs shortly after Devon.  Vanessa finally looks doubtful of Devon’s friendship and slightly crushed, and if possible, becomes even dumber in my eyes.

Nick is fiddling with the piece of paper holding the location of Theresa’s body in front of a roaring fire when Marcus strolls in.  Nick looks like Marcus’ presence is the poisonous icing on the rancid cake that is this evening, and asks him what he’s doing there.  Marcus speeds into an explanation as quickly as he can, knowing he’s got limited time before Nick bitchslaps the talk out of him.  Luckily, Marcus manages to reveal that Theresa’s secret identity in time, and is able to explain his theory that Theresa was in The Gates most likely to hurt Nick somehow.  Nick tries valiantly to hide the massive sigh of relief that must be just dying to escape, and is able to smoothly answer Marcus’ questions that follow.  No he never met or saw Theresa before her arrival in The Gates – his review was not open to the public, and if he’d known her, he would have said something to Marcus when they met.  He plants the idea in Marcus’ head that whatever Theresa had planned to do to the Monohans, she obviously got cold feet, and Marcus believes him (inception!).  The young Jedi apologizes to the master for allowing Theresa to get so close, and the master offers forgiveness.  Nick tells Marcus (and himself), that sometimes difficult choices must be made in the lives of cops, and there are times when you just have to let it go.  Sarah approaches, drinks in hand, and Nick finally lets out that sigh of relief.  It’s done.  For now.

Marcus compliments Sarah’s dress and makes a hasty exit, all wounds repaired.  Nick takes a long drink and asks his wife if she’s really happy in The Gates.  Sarah answers that after the year they’ve had, the place is a paradise.  Charlie’s happy, Dana’s happy, she’s happy, and now all they need is for Nick to be happy.  He promises to try, and with that, he asks for a moment alone.  Sarah walks off, and Nick tosses the location of Theresa’s body in the fire, undergoing his own inception at Dylan’s hand.

Well, that about resolves everything for this episode, but there are still about seven minutes left, so it looks like it’s time for new mysteries to introduce themselves!  Enter Thomas and Peg!  Peg notices that he’s leaving early and Thomas claims he didn’t want to leave Andy alone for very long.  Peg tells him not to worry – that Andy will do fine on the medication (the as yet undeveloped, untested medication), and that maybe she’ll even get to a point where she won’t need it.  Then Andy’ll be able to make her life work just like her parents did.  But oh no!  It’s the return of Tortured Thomas!  What could be the matter?  Andy’s mom did NOT die in a car accident, it seems!  The couple was “you know”ing one night when things “went too far!”  Gasp!  No!  It’s true!  Thomas killed Andy’s mom!!!!

NOOOOOOO!!!!

DUH.  (Devon and I talk the same talk.)

Thomas didn’t have a choice.  Well, I disagree there.  I think he did have a choice – to lie better.  What self-respecting succubus dies in a car accident?  Andy’s gonna unravel this one just in time for sweeps, I’ll bet.

But Andy does!  Charlie throws pebbles at her window once more and this time she lets him in.  They flirt around for a little while, and Charlie sort of asks if they’re still dating, and she confirms they are.  She just needs to take things slow.  He’s super sweet and bumbling about the whole thing and she rewards him with a chaste kiss.  Awww.  They’re doomed.

It’s back to the party and time for Nick to make a speech.  He talks about his dedication to keeping The Gates safe and underscores that with the importance of being good neighbors – without good neighbors there’s no community to protect.  This whole scene is punctuated by a montage consisting a shot of Claire watching Barbara, Thomas watching Andy sleep, Devon watching her DVD (“you know”ing with Brian Krakow!!!), Frank watching Vanessa take a lonely bath… and simultaneously watching a video of Theresa’s murder.  Which he then labels “Dylan and Nick.”  It’s placed on a stack amidst other famous titles such as Lucas Ford, Claire Radcliffe and other hits.  Oh Frank, you know all the secrets of the past…

…but not the future.