The Gates: Identity Crisis

Previously, on “The Gates,” there were werewolves, Dylan saved Nick’s life, Andy didn’t take her medicine and realized that Brett could take her kisses without dying, and Christian sort of raped Claire and Dylan found out.  Also, Dylan was a massive dick to Claire about the entire thing.

As this week’s episode opens, Nick pulls up to a closed bank, enters, and thanks the manager for staying late.  He needs the bank’s video surveillance tapes from that day, and the manager agrees, explaining that he’ll need a minute to turn everything off, eject the tapes and reset the system.  Which is just what Nick was hoping for, apparently, as he waits until the green light on the cameras turns red, and immediately starts to get up to no good.  He peeks behind the front desk, spots some keys, grabs them, and makes for the safety deposit boxes!  Heist!  Just as he opens one, an angry blond bombshell tells Nick to put’em up!  He’s under arrest!  The bank manager stands by, hurt and railroaded.  How embarrassing for everyone.

Okay, so I know how this looks.

Just as the everyone’s confusion at this rather intense and out of context beginning reaches a fever pitch, a title card appears – ONE DAY EARLIER!

It’s morning, and Nick’s at home with Dana, trying to get her to remember which Gates parents are chaperoning her field trip that day.  Nick is trying to be as persistent as possible without revealing how freaked out he is that his daughter could be cared for any number of supernatural creatures as she prowls through a museum.  The whole thing’s pretty hilarious as Nick asks Dana how she can’t remember who’s taking her and she’s all, “Uh, I’m 12?”  Ha, that’s totally something I would have said at 12.  If my mother had asked me the same question Nick asked Dana, that conversation would have gone something like this:

My Mom:  So, Alex.  Who’s going with you to the museum tomorrow?

Me:  Museum?

Nick has a minor freak out and says she should stay home, and Sarah, still totally in the dark about everything, disagrees, having already signed the permission forms.  Nick concedes, trading his daughter’s safety for not upsetting his wife with the truth about where they live.  Sarah asks him to talk to Charlie, who’s broodiness has turned into mopiness, and it’s weirding everyone out.  She explains that it’s, “Girl trouble.”  Nick nervously approaches Charlie, and instead of talking to him like an adult, does a dumbass magic trick.  I don’t know what it is, he makes a quarter disappear.  Charlie is summarily unimpressed, explaining that that shit hasn’t made him feel better since he was seven.  Nick nods, the second fatherhood failure he’s undergone this morning weighing heavily on his soul.  Aww, cheer up, Nick.  I’m easy, but I was totally blown away by your trick.  I’m still trying to figure it out.  But don’t worry, I won’t look it up on the internet or anything – then there wouldn’t be magic anymore.

This is exactly how much help I can be to you right now, Son.

Charlie tells everyone that he’s fine, he’s moved on and they all need to back off a bit.  Both parents do, but not before Sarah quips that Andy’s the one who’s missing out.  Yeah, on sweet, sweet lifeforce.  God, I can’t wait for Sarah to undergo The Gates Great Revelation.  I think she might punch Andy, and that would be epic.  Charlie, still obviously depressed, heads off to school, and Nick gets a call telling him to come into work right away.

Nick arrives at the station, to find Kat Russo, an FBI agent who will only speak to him.  Marcus is his usual bumbling self as he details the situation to his boss, probably realizing that Kat is more of an alpha male than he is.  And who’s Kat Russo?  Why none other than our future, arresting blond bombshell.  The plot, it thickens.

Brief sidenote:  Why do all female television spies/FBI agents/PIs have names like Kat Russo?  And Karen Sisco?  And Sydney Bristow?  I don’t know, maybe it’s just on ABC, but I think it’s funny that television refuses to believe someone like that could be named Eugenia Smith, or something.

Kat introduces herself and explains that the target of a federal investigation is living in The Gates, and she hopes she can count on Nick’s cooperation in tracking him down.  I guess that’s enough to convey suspense and a cliffhanger of some sort, because foreboding music ensues and we roll to credits.

Next up is breakfast at the Radcliffe’s, and it’s just as cheery as you’d imagine.  Emily looks back and forth at her parents – Claire’s tense and nervous and Dylan’s just straight glaring at her, looking like he’s about to start mouthing, “I hate you.”  Emily just starts spelling words out loud to break the ice (she’s nine, what else has she got to work with?).  Oh, wait, she’s got a spelling bee.  Never mind.  She tries to get her parents to play the spelling game with her, and to try to stump each other, but Claire and Dylan won’t be playing with each other anytime soon, so Emily’s attempt to get someone besides herself to smile is thwarted.  She asks if they’re still coming to the bee, and they promise that they will, of course.  I’m betting that’s a promise that’s going to be in a thousand pieces by the end of the episode.

Dylan gets up to go, kisses Emily and says he loves her.  He’s walking out when Emily protests that he forgot something – Mom.  Aww, now Dylan has to show some tenderness towards Claire for his daughter’s sake!  Except… no, apparently.  He gives Claire a cold look and says – to Emily, mind you – that Claire knows exactly what he thinks about her.  Right, so Emily totally knows something’s up between her parents because they are doing JACK SHIT to hide it from her.

Emily, that bow on your head is proof enough that your parents have no idea how to properly care for you

Back at the station, Kat introduces everyone to Frank Jessup – suspected committer of financial fraud.  Her sources indicate that he owns a house in The Gates, but Nick doesn’t recognize him.  Leigh pipes up that he lives alone, he travels roughly 200 days out of the year due to his job as a pharmaceutical salesman and has never caused any problems ever in his life ever.  Sounds like a vampire to me!  Russo, just as aggressive as her name, wants in the house, and she leaves immediately to get a search warrant.  Everyone at the station’s a little bowled over by someone besides Nick actually being on their game, and Leigh says so.  Nick puts her off, explaining that when the FBI drops in, local forces cooperate.  Not on any television show I’ve ever seen.   Even though it’s obvious he’s plenty uncomfortable himself.

Yay!  We’re at Devon’s!  A cancer patient is telling her that with one or two more chemo treatments, the cancer will go into remission.  And it’s all due to Devon’s tea (or whatever).  After the woman leaves, Mia, who witnessed the entire thing, asks what Devon gave the woman.  If you guessed Devil’s Weed, you’d be right!  Mia asks if that’s the weed her mother thinks is so evil, yet simultaneously will do nothing to have it forcibly removed and Devon confirms.  She explains that the “so called forbidden herbs” have the capacity to help lots of people with things like cancer and autoimmune diseases.  Sensing that the word “forbidden” probably piqued Mia’s interest, Devon says she will not teach anything about those herbs until Mia is older.

I wonder if marijuana falls under the “forbidden” or “medicinal” category in the Craft.  I’m guessing “medicinal,”because it seems that most witches, with the exception of Peg, are pretty liberal.

At school, Andy is so desperate for lifeforce, she’s just straight up sitting on the hallway floor.  Brett’s really worried (he’s the only one though, which is weird.  If some girl in my high school was just sacked out on the floor staring into space, I’d at least wave or something.), and tells Andy to take what she needs from him.  Gross.  She refuses to take the chance of hurting him and limps away.  Brett watches until Lexie gets in his face about Andy hanging out with them all the time.  Brett snaps that Andy needs their help, so she’s not going anywhere anytime soon.  I though Lexie liked Anyd.  I thought Mia and Andy had a fight about that sort of thing last week.  Whatever.  I’m just along for the ride at this point.  Brett exits and Lucas enters, only to be confronted by Lexie about when he’s assuming leadership of the pack again, and kicking Andy the fuck out of all their lives.  Lucas isn’t ready to come back, yet, and tells Lexie to fix her love life herself.  What?  Lucas stalks off and her gaze falls on Charlie.  What?

WHAT?

Nick and Kat arrive at Jessup’s house, and Nick comments that she procured her warrant pretty quickly.  Kat answers that she’s got a strong case – she’s been tracking Jessup for two years.  Nick’s impressed, and breaks the door with a crow bar to gain entry.  I’m pretty sure a search warrant doesn’t give you the right to damage property…   And shouldn’t Nick have a master key or something?  Russo heads upstairs and Nick explores downstairs.  All he finds is a home gym when he hears Russo calling him.  He heads upstairs to find a really irresponsible office situation – Jessup’s left out a bunch of photos, fake passports, and other accoutrements of identity fraud.  I’m sure it’s obvious to Nick that this is probably the man in the vampire community who help them facilitate identity transfers, and if you thought it couldn’t get worse, Dylan and Claire’s headshots are among the photos on Jesssup’s desk.  Russo’s pretty happy about the haul.

Nick just looks constipated.

Back at the station, all the evidence has been brought in, and it includes passports, driver’s licenses, social security cards, etc.  Nick pipes up that he thought Jessup was going down for financial fraud, not identity theft.  Kat deftly avoids answering that question and goes to check on Leigh’s progress in decrypting Jessup’s computer.  Nick takes the opportunity to call Dylan and give him the skinny.  Dylan confirms my suspicions that Jessup was indeed the vampire identity man, and tells Nick they need to talk in person.  Nick hangs up and turns to find Kat snooping in his doorway.  She worries that Nick’s distratcted and he blames having a wife and kids.  She sadly, but kind of aggressively and sexily (because she is a TERRIBLE ACTRESS) bemoans the fact that she never got the chance to have a family.  Nick’s confused (because she looks likes she’s topping out at age 28), but apologetic, and softens toward her a bit.

Back at school, Andy and Charlie eye each other soulfully, but just as Charlie’s about to go uselessly talk to her again, Lexie jumps into his field of view asking why he never talks to her.  Probably because they haven’t met, to my knowledge.  Anyway, she shakes her crazy hair at him, makes him try to guess what her imaginary punk band’s name is and generally flirts with him in a way that is frenetic, fun and totally different than the confusing bullshit Andy used to pull with him.  Then she leaves him hanging and Charlie smiles for the first time in three episodes.  So that was neat, but is Lexie actually interested in Charlie, or is she trying to make Andy so jealous that Andy stops hanging out with the pack…?  I’m confused.

But I like her hair.

Things are tense at the station as Kat is bearing down on Leigh for not cracking the simple encryption that is locking Jessup’s computer.  Leigh’s giving in the bitch department as good as she’s getting, and Nick’s forced to separate the two women.  He tells Leigh to calm down and Kat to back off his staff if she expects them to do their jobs.  Marcus walks in and announces that Jessup also had a safety deposit box in a nearby bank, and Kat furiously runs off to get a search warrant for that as well.  As soon as she’s alone, Leigh immediately hacks into Jessup’s system and starts erasing shady e-mails.  Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming, but I’m really curious about what she has to hide.

It’s after school, and Mia’s at her witch tutorial with Devon.  I guess they’re learning about flames or something because Mia says some words and the flame on the candle goes between her and Devon goes out.  When I say goes out, I mean someone off camera blew it out.  They really need to increase the budget on this show.  She gets really excited about her accomplishment, but as soon as Devon leaves the room to get supplies for their next lesson, Mia runs to her cupboard, grabs an unmarked vial, and returns to her seat.  I’m assuming she’s trying to steal Devil’s Weed for Andy, and I sure hope she got the right bottle – they all look alike.

Could be Devil’s Weed, could be eyedrops!

Cut to a meeting at McV’s house featuring Nick, Dylan and their gracious, but grouchy host.  No one in the vampire community has heard from Jessup, but apparently that’s fairly normal.  He’s unpredictable, when there’s trouble afoot, which is just the quality you’d want in a man trusted with your secret identity.  Nick wants to move forward without contacting Jessup because Kat’s on a mission and they can’t afford to wait.  He asks what’s in the safety deposit box, and of course, it’s the entire vampire community’s Achilles heel – a flash drive with every bit of relevant information on the 10,000 vampires in Jessup’s pocket.  Damn, evidence lying willy-nilly all over his house, a singular flash drive that could sink his entire ship – this guy is the worst secret-keeper in the world.  He probably has a frigging Facebook page.  While Nick wants to help, he’s the last person McV wants involved (what with his werewolf sympathies and all), because he’d just rather ice Kat and be done with everything.  However, Dylan convinced him to let Nick try and switch out the flash drives in an effort to save Miss Nosy’s life.  This is the first Nick’s heard of his illegal participation in this whole scheme, so he’s understandably pissed at Dylan for putting him in the position of letting a woman die, or risking his entire career.  Commercial.

Nick’s handed a flash drive with a bunch of fake names, and his mission is to get to the safety deposit box before Kat, and switch out the drives to throw her off the scent.  McV’s skeptical of the whole plan, but willing.  Nick’s still pissed that Dylan put him in this crappy position, but willing.  Dylan’s… just Dylan.  Resigned, sad, but eager to be dealing with anything other than his marriage.

We should all grab a beer after work tonight.  I’m buying!

Back at school, Lexie meets up with Charlie again so he can guess more about the name of her punk band.  They flirt some more, but this time, Andy catches the whole thing and gets all squicky inside.  Before she has a chance to be even more undecided about confronting Charlie, Brett grabs her and pulls her into a classroom.  Then he shoves his tongue down her throat because he’s not gonna let this happen to her!  Death by Fatigue is no match for Brett eh Werewolf!  Anyway, they suck face until she can’t let go, and he goes all zombielike.  It’s pretty ick.  Now, I understand why succubui are evil.  Not only do they steal the lifeforce from their victims, they also steal their boyish good looks.  Andy finally regains control long enough to push Brett away from her, and he falls to the floor.  Only to get up a second later, his were healing powers kicking in.  It worked!  Yahoo!  Okay, so Andy basically kissed Brett for all of five seconds before he nearly died.  How did her parents have sex in the first place?

I mean, aside from the obvious lack of stamina on the dude’s part, there is a serious attraction deficit at workhere.

At the Radcliffe’s, Dylan’s at home working because I guess he just doesn’t go to work anymore.  Claire come’s home, waits for him to notice her, and when he doesn’t, opens with an “I’m home.”  Girl, pull a Joan Holloway and throw a vase at his head.  Dude deserves it.  Dylan gives her his usual cold shoulder and makes a crack about not caring where she’s been because whatever she said’d probably be a lie anyway.  Claire, being without any balls whatsoever, despite her inherent badassery, begs Dylan to talk to her.  She knows he’s hurting, but so is she and she needs him.  But her husband is unmoved as usual, explain that since what Christian did broke their husband/wife vampire bond, he can’t promise her that everything will be all right because he doesn’t know that it will be. Before Claire can beg her husband for anymore emotional support, the phone rings.  It’s Sarah.  Apparently Dylan forgot to pick up the girls from school, and Emily’s at the Monohans.  Which means they also missed the spelling bee.  Okay, now you’re both dicks.  Not only have you let your daughter become a TERRIBLE dresser, she now knows what self-absorbed a-holes her parents are.  No kid should have that realization until they’re at least at their early teens.

Feel the force of my pout.  Feel it.

Aaah, and we head back to the bank.  The context to the intro, she has arrived!  Nick gets to the safety deposit box, and manages to switch out the flash drives before Kat comes upon him – a tidbit we were denied in the first viewing of this scene.  When he hears the gun cock behind him and Kat’s, “Reach for the sky!” he pulls his magic trick and pockets the real flash drive!  Everything comes full circle!  Kat confiscates the fake drive and we head to commercial.

We return to The Gates police station where Kat’s questioning Nick.  Who’s he working for?  Jessup?  Is he being blackmailed by someone who knows what happened in Chicago?  Nick’s all, “I kind of am being blackmailed, but they drink blood, and all you have is a gun, so fuck off.  Also, Dylan and I are friends.”  I.E. He’s not talking.  Not one bit.  Kat tells him he’s making a big mistake, but since she has the flash drive, all she wanted, she’ll let this little incident/felony go.  This strikes Nick as a little or totally fucking weird, and as soon as she leaves, he orders Marcus to find out everything there is to know about one Kat Russo.  Leigh makes like she’s gonna go after the suddenly lenient agent, and Nick stops her.  He asks why she just let Kat go, and Leigh answers that her name is on that drive.

She knows about my box!!

It’s after school, and Charlie meets up with Lexie as she’s getting on her bike.  He tries and fails a few more times guess her band’s name, and there’s banter.  She thought she’d frightened him away, but he likes that she seems to be drama-free, and very easy to get along with.  Well, actually he just says she seems easy, but since Charlie’s smiling again, I thought I’d make him look a little less bumbling in the recap as a thank you.  Anyway, he likes her, and she says that’s easier said than done.  When he asks why that is, she offers to show him and they head off on some sort of afterschool adventure.  Oh, yaaaahoooo.

Nick and Leigh are in his office and she can’t believe he switched the drives.  Why?  He says he’ll get into that later, but he really wants to know why her name’s on the drive.  She smiles and reveals that she knows he knows the truth about The Gates – it’s a haven for a bunch of crazy creatures who suppress their awesomeness to live in McMansions and drive SUVs.  She assures him that she’s not one of them, but she’s involved with Jessup because at one point in her life, she needed a fresh start.  See, she had a boyfriend who “ripped her heart out.”  And put it in a box.  Oh, Christ.  The writers on this show are so fucking bad at foreshadowing I’m starting to believe I really can tell the future.

The word “cancellation” keeps appearing before me.

Before she can get into what I’m sure will be the very obvious and trite details of her history, Marcus rushes in with the news that Kat Russo and Mr. Jessup were once engaged!  Twist!  Semi-expected twist!  It’s really more of a “veer left.”  Nick immediately has Marcus put a tail on Russo and orders Leigh to call the FBI to get all information available on her.

Onto Mia and Andy.  Mia’s excited that Andy’s rash looks so much better, but Andy knows it’s only a quick-fix.  She can get what she needs from Brett, but it hurts her.  And then the writers hit a low even I didn’t see coming when Andy touches her chest and says, “Right here.”  It hurts her in her lovey place.  Where the flowers Charlie planted there grow, and the rainbows that appear from the tears that water the flowers end in pots of golden teddy bears.  I’m sorry, I blacked out for a second at the crap that appeared on my screen.  Where were we?  Oh, right, Andy can’t keep sucking face with Brett because she doesn’t want to use  him.  Mia proposes that there’s another way.  She whips out the Devil’s Weed and Andy’s new, drug addict storyline begins.  Mia tells her that the weed has very positive effects on people with autoimmune diseases just like hers.  And it’ll give her an extra foot or something.  Damn, Mia’s stupid.  I thought she built a lie detector all on her own.  She can’t see that doling out magic without a prescription might be a bad idea?  Andy’s just as stupid as Mia, because she goes bottom’s up with the stuff with very little convincing.

How are neither of these girls knocked up?  Feels like they’re just the type to fall for the whole, “No one gets pregnant on their first time,” line.

Kat’s driving around, very focused, when she passes Jessup’s house.  There’s a nice convertible in front and the police tape across the door has been broken, so it looks like someone’s home from their travels.  I thought Jessup was supposed to be Mr. Sketchtown when someone was on his tail…?  I guess that was just for the first half of the show.  Kat walks into the house, unarmed and looking a little crazy.  She overhears him in his gym, telling Dylan that she was his fiancé, and he can talk to her.  Apparently not, because she jumps him from behind, fangs bared.  She’s a vampire!  Kind of a surprise!

She growls that she’s furious he turned her into a vampire.  She hates him for it, and no matter how he thinks they can work it out, she’s going to kill him.  No ifs, ands or bites.  He protests that he saved her life because he loved her, but she doesn’t give a flying fuck, and not only is she is going to kill him, she’s going to kill everyone on her little, red flash drive.  When Jessup stupidly looks askance at the unfamiliar device, she attacks and forces him to tell her that it’s not his.  In her anger, they fight, and it’s the worst, low-budget shitfest of a fight I’ve seen on television since VR Troopers.  Someone better start throwing some money at this show so they can make their vampires seem faster, cooler or at least better at martial arts.  In the end, she stakes him, and he doesn’t even dust.  He just fucking dies, eyes open and all.  These vampires don’t even DIE COOL.

Pedestrian.  Fucking pedestrian.

Charlie and Lexie are having a better afternoon than Jessup, but not much, because they’re strolling through a graveyard.  Charlie comments that he didn’t even know the place existed, and Lexie says that not many people come anymore?  Did people frequent cemeteries when Lexie was a kid?  Apparently so, because she comments that cemeteries used to be both for the living and the dead.  I thought that comment would transition to a monologue about how funerals and other rituals surrounding death helped people deal with loss, but once again, I gave the writers of this show way too much credit.  Nope, Lexie – history buff extraordinaire – explains that families used to picnic at graveyards because it helped them remember the ones they lost.  WHAT?  Maybe Edgar Allen Poe took Emily Dickinson on that date once, but I bet it was their last, and those talented weirdoes do not a “people” make.

Speaking of loved ones, she shows him her twin sister’s grave.  She died the they day were born, and while Lexie’s parents stopped visiting, Lexie still comes by to keep her sister company.  Okay, despite Lexie’s delusions about graveyard picnics, that’s actually really sweet.  Charlie thinks so, too and lays a flower he’s picked on the grave.  Aww, I’d think they were cute together if I didn’t know they were destined to end terribly at the hands of Andy’s tears.

Speaking of Andy, her rash has gone all away and she gleefully skips to the phone to call Charlie.  Who doesn’t answer his cell.  She tries him at home, but Sarah answers telling her that she expects him soon.  Andy skips off to meet him, bursting with the news that they can all of a sudden be together with no explanation for her weird as shit behavior during the past two weeks.  If Charlie hadn’t been bonding with Lexie and her dead sister all afternoon, he’d probably eat Andy’s shit up with a spoon.

You thought I wasn’t into you all those weeks I ignored you and kind of got back with my ex?  You’re crazy.

At the Monohan’s, Charlie strolls up with Lexie and says that day was great.  Lexie admits that she’s never taken anyone to her sister’s grave before – they should hang out again.  Gee, has no one talked to Lexie for more than thirty minutes before, because it seemed like that’s all it took for Charlie to sneak into her heart.  Charlie agrees they should hang out, but only if she tells him the name of her band.  She agrees to give him a clue – a kiss.  That Andy sees.  Of course.  The band’s name is “Experimental Necking.”  Charlie likes it because it reminds him of third base, and simultaneously reveals that Lexie’s been there before.  Andy hides behind an SUV and is sad.  Ah, the life and tragedies of a Gates Girl.  They should have their own magazine.

Back at the station, Leigh’s on the phone with the FBI.  And, bombshell – Kat Russo died two years ago!  She’s a vampire!  Something that’s emphasized by her sudden, bloodstained, blackeyed presence.  Nick and Leigh draw their guns and we head to commercial.

Don’t fuck with Devon?  Don’t fuck with me.

Kat rolls her eyes, and does the coolest thing any vampire’s done on this show yet when goes all, “Really?  You all’d be deadzone if I felt like.  You live only at my mercy currently.”  All she wants is the flash drive, but Nick refuses.  Kat begs him not to let the vampires control him – no one should have to suffer what she has.  Uh, the acquisition of superpowers and immortality?  Stop whining you stupid bitch.  Leigh doesn’t understand how Kat can hate vampires so much when she obviously is one, and Kat reveals that she was made a vampire against her will.  I’m sure they regret it, Kat, if it makes you feel any better.  She explains she didn’t know what Jessup was when she agreed to marry him, and he turned her when she was shot fatally in the line of duty.  What, and he just happened to be standing by?  HOLY CHRIST THIS SHOW IS SO BAD!!!  Despite the terrible writing, Nick is moved and tells Leigh to put her gun down.  Kat confesses she never wanted to be a vampire and she’s killed Jessup for making her one.  And as soon as she gets the flash drive, she’s gonna kill everyone on the list.  Nick tries to explain that all vampires aren’t monsters, but as Kat’s gone pretty far off the deep end, and will probably kill both him and Leigh, he just gives the drive, and explains he can’t protect her anymore.  She thanks him, and goes, most likely heading off to her headstrong death.

As she drives away, a car full of vampires, including McV pulls up beside her.  They look at her menacingly and McV opens a case of what looks like wooden torpedoes, and Kat drives away unaware that she’s never going to get where she’s going.  Ugh, good fucking riddance.

The episode draws to a close at the Radcliffe’s for dinner.  Emily is in her room, and refuses to come out.  Claire asks Dylan if this cold silence is how it’s going to be between them from now on.  Dylan doesn’t know.  He’s sorry for what happened to Claire, but that doesn’t change the fact that she betrayed him.  He loves her, but thinks they should spend some time apart.  You can literally see Claire’s heart break, and she shakily asks how they will tell Emily.  I guess they got as far as go upstairs and knock on her door because we immediately cut to Emily’s darkened room.  But she’s not there!  Christian’s ring is in her place because he’s alive and kidnapped her!  Cut to Christian’s car, there’s a burn on his forehead, but he appears very well, and accompanied by a tasty little girl.  See you in two weeks, Folks!