The Gates: Intruder Alert!

This episode’s all about comfort zones.  Homes are robbed, trust is broken and private people are forced to lay bare the most uncomfortable aspects of their lives.  It’s all much less interesting than it sounds.

Let’s get started!

It’s nighttime in The Gates.  We pan in on the police station to see lonely HAL start beeping ominously…  Chief Nick wakes up to a phone call that a security alarm has gone off in a house that belongs to residents on vacation.  GASP!  BREACH?!  Sarah wonders what’s up, and Nick says an alarm going off is a pretty rare occurrence.  Little Nick is jumping up and down inside Big Nick’s head making gun hands at the prospect of a NIGHTTIME INVESTIGATION!!!

And because the audience cares (and not at ALL because she’s being set up to be evil) we cut to week-old lovebirds, Marcus and Theresa.  Theresa’s arguing on the phone with her (fake)roommate who’s kicking her out of their place(not really) in favor of an (imaginary) boyfriend.  It’s all very believable.  Theresa freaks out for about ten seconds before Marcus gobbles up her bait like it’s a big fat marble and he’s a hungry, hungry hippo.  He invites her to move in – just till she finds a place.  Because that situation never blows up in anyone’s face.  Marcus is obviously not a Cosmo reader.

We don’t get a chance for Marcus to propose, though, because Chief Nick comes a-callin’ and Marcus goes to join him at the maybe break-in on Williamsburg.

Don’t worry, we can go over baby names when I get back.

Both officers arrive at the scene and Nick makes with investigating by going to enter the house.  Marcus quotes The Gates’ scout guide and reminds Nick that the police are forbidden to enter the homes of residents without express permission.  Nick makes a crack about pulling up a chair to wait for the burglar, and Marcus, humbled, begins to follow his chief into battle.  Then there’s a CRASH and both coppers spring to action!  Marcus takes the back, Nick takes the front and GASP!  It’s Mr. McCallister in the kitchen with some broken glass.  Awww, Nick’s disappointment is palpable at the lack of burglar and crime.  So much so that when Mr. McCallister snits that the police aren’t allowed inside the house without permission, he’s pretty lucky Nick’s trigger didn’t do a little slippity slip.  Nick grates that’s he’s well-aware of The Gates’ policy, but McCallister might be singing a different tune were he incapacitated or some such nonsense.

The police exit with their tails between their legs, and Mr. McCallister, living up to his freaky demeanor whispers to someone behind his kitchen counter that “They’re gone.”  And that someone is a lady sitting next to a pool of blood complete with blood dribble coming out of her mouth.  Credits…

Hmmm.  Faskinating.

We return to morning at The Gates Police Station, and the chief arrives to Marcus’ good news that the McCallisters did not file a formal complaint for their security system acting exactly as it should have.  Whew.  Leigh thinks there might be something wrong with the system, and since she’s the onsite manager, she’ll figure out what the problem is.  She also refers to the system as a she – a complicated woman, to be specific.  Sorry, HALLE.  You’re a little omnisexual to the naked eye.

Someone spreads thick, red frosting over dark chocolate cupcakes, somewhat seductively and who do you think it might be?  Claire!  Our favorite goth housewife is frosting gluten-free goodies for the school bake sale when Dylan mopes in, a sad, sad vampire.  Some bigwig is coming to town and they can’t get reservations anywhere.  What’s to be done?  For fuck’s SAKE.  Glamour a maitre’d you pussy, bitch!!  Whatever, Claire’s gonna be a domestic goddess and make it herself, because that’s what America is tuning in to see vampires do.  Act like humans.

When will they get cool?

Speaking of things that humans do, Brett and Andy have an awkward conversation about when he  asked her if she loved him and she ate her tongue for lunch rather than answer.  Brett thinks that Andy’s been avoiding him because he professed his love, and before she can fully get through the lie that she’s  “been busy,” he takes it all back for the sake of their relationship.  He never would have told her he more than liked her if he knew it’d throw her for a loop.  Or if he’d known it’d reveal just how shallow her feelings were for him.  He asks if they’re cool, and Andy says she’ll see him at lunch and gives him a disappointed kiss on the cheek.  Brett stupidly believes this and walks away happy.

Andy turns around only to see Heartbreak Charlie approaching her from behind.  She throws him a quick “Hi!” and scampers into the bathroom.  Mia, of lie detector fame is conveniently doing her lipliner and is there to help Andy through her predicament.  She teases Andy about Charlie (and gives him the lamest nickname in history – Hot Kiss.  Is Hot Lips copyrighted or something?), and then uses a dumb physics metaphor to tell Andy she needs to break up with one potential victim before she moves onto the next.
It’s time for the bake sale, and Sarah has arrived bearing fudge.  Karen Kreske is her happy-go-passive aggressive future nemesis with perfect hair who insists that Sarah observe the bake sale checkout procedure for a few hours before she jumps in.   And that’s the end of that scene.  Which kind of sucks considering it took me all of ten seconds to fall in love with Karen Kreske (she’s AWESOME).

Her words are knives!

We move onto Claire at Spenser’s Market, loading groceries in the parking lot.  At least that’s what she’s trying to do when a woman two cars over cuts her hand and the bloodlust starts to take over!  Someone behind her comments on how tempting the surprising amount of blood gushing from the woman’s hand is.  Claire turns to see a vampire way hotter than her husband standing behind her.  It’s Christian (irony!), an old friend from times before Claire’s domestication.  They shoot the shit for a minute, and discuss life in The Gates.  Christian finds it hard to believe that Claire could have adapted so well to such a lifestyle, and she retorts, “People change.”  Christian remarks that people do indeed change, but undead, blooddrinking, former people do not.  He gives her his card (Private Consultant) and tells her to call anytime she wants to catch up.  Catch up on the KILLING!  Claire looks up from the business card and Christian has disappeared.  Which means he can fly, move at high speeds or just straight up go invisible.

We don’t know which one, though, given that this show has the special effects budget of a small community theater.

Back at the PD, Leigh believes there’s a serious problem afoot with HALLE.  The McCallisters didn’t accidentally trip their alarm, someone hacked into it.  It had to have been someone from inside The Gates, too, because HALLE is an isolated system, not linked to any outside source.  Anyone remember what Marcus’ new, super-sinister girlfriend does for a living?  I wonder if it has something to do with computers.

Home with poor Claire, she pulls a ruined soufflé out of her oven and, disappointed, places it next to four others.  Defeat in the kitchen is obviously some sort of trigger for her, as she hurries to the wine room with all the determination of an addict heading for oblivion.  But instead of just cracking open a bag and flipping on some daytime TV, she stops herself and pulls out Christian’s card.  I think this scene is meant illustrate Claire’s continuing difficulties with domesticity, but all it showed me was that Claire has way too many soufflé dishes for someone who’s so bad at making them.

Who has four soufflé dishes?  Who needs to make that many soufflés or possibly casseroles at once?

Back at school, Brett heads to his own bathroom advice session and meets Lucas, who wastes NO TIME telling Brett all about Andy and Charlie’s stable makeout session.  The wolfrage overtakes Brett and he starts punching all sorts of inanimate objects before trying to go “talk” to Andy.  Lucas correctly deduces that if Brett tries to talk to Andy, he’ll hurt her, and invites Brett go run with the wolves that night to blow off steam the healthy way.  But it’s against the rules, Brett protests!  He has to be at a football game that night!  Lucas leaves Brett with the irresistibly persuasive line, “Dude.  Don’t you think it’s time you started breaking the rules?”  I never say yes to any sentence that starts with “Dude.”

Moving onto history class, the requisite “I like books and inspiring young children, so I don’t wear a tie,” teacher reads from a letter Henry VIII wrote to Anne Boleyn.  He makes a painfully unwitty comment about how great was Henry’s love for his doomed bride, and yet he still managed to express it without the use of texting.  Har, har, har.  This has got to be one of the most canned unoriginal shows ever.  I mean, lots of shows are canned and unoriginal, but at least they try to be funny and interesting.

This dude is a piss poor excuse for Rupert Giles.

Andy makes the same astute observation I did when the author and recipient of the letter were revealed – that Henry chopped off Annie’s head after no more than a thousand days into their marriage.  Teach makes some sort of lame explanation about Henry beheading Anne because of infidelity, not love, and that though some great loves end in tragedy, it doesn’t detract from their… greatness.  Andy looks really worried, and, unfortunately, I suspect it is not at her teacher’s TOTALLY INACCURATE explanation of the reasoning behind Anne Boleyn’s execution.  SCENE!

Brett runs into the wolfpals at a lesser Gate leading out of The Gates.  He looks adorably nervous until one of the pack (which includes a girl) shouts, “Come on, Kreske!” and he follows them out into Wonderland.

Hey, Brett!  I love your mom!

At the police station, Tweedleigh has repaired HALLE and her false alarms, and Nick, agog at her techno skills, calls her a genius.  I’ll bet Nick is one of those people who’s afraid of computers.  Sarah walks in, a sad, sad monkey from her tough day at the bake sale and drops brownies off to the G-Team.  Nick asks if it was a rough day at the bake sale, not realizing just how hilarious he truly is, and Sarah confirms.  Apparently she spent six hours with a woman who exemplified perfection in every way – who didn’t even seem human.  Dum DUM DUM!  P.S. Six hours at a bake sale?  NIGHTMARE.

Before Nick can ask just what Sarah means by inhuman, HALLE starts flipping out again and alarms are tripped at homes all over the neighborhood.  Leigh can’t explain the sudden fritz – or even if it is a fritz.  Nick comments that if those alarms are real, they have a big problem.  Yeah, like a job to do.  Commercial.

The G-Team reconvenes outside a frightened resident’s house, to discuss that all three houses they’ve checked out so far have been false alarms.  Damn, HALLE’s surfing the crimson wave.  However, there were 20 alarms that went off, so Nick orders the rest of them checked out.  Marcus actually has the balls to quote Gates policy to Nick again, and Nick promptly bitchslaps him, shouting, “My policy IS Gates policy, Maggot!”  Or some variation of that, and Marcus and Leigh run off to check every other alarm.

Meanwhile, Claire is out with Christian reminiscing about old times and flirting with infidelity.  She wonders how he can still live the life of nomadic feeder and he wonders how she can live the life of neutered vampire.  She hedges that having a daughter makes it too dangerous to live in the outside world, and that while feeding is allowed outside The Gates, she and Dylan have chosen to stop hunting altogether.  Christian looks like he would drive a stake through his own heart at the prospect of such a lifestyle, but Claire reiterates that she’s happy.  Enough times to show Christian that she’s anything but.  I kind of dug this scene.  The guy who plays Christian is definitely of the ruggedly handsome, Bill Compton variety I enjoy, and he’s a pretty good actor.  A much better partner for Claire than Dylan.  I shall enjoy this inevitably destructive relationship.

Sookie, Sookie, now…

Back at the police station, shit has hit the faaaaaaan, as Marcus and Leigh return from all the false alarms to find Nick standing befuddled before HALLE.  Apparently the G-Team was on a wild goose chase, as six families have called to report actual burglaries, none of which that tripped alarms.  Apparently  the false alarms were a diversion, and Nick, realizing that he’s been played and swearing a blood oath for revenge, orders a full lockdown of The Gates.  No one in, no one out.

This is bad news for the wolf pack who finish their run exhilarated, but with no idea they won’t be able to get back inside.  Brett can’t believe how much better he feels and makes plans to actually go talk with Andy, as opposed to saying he’s going to talk to her, and then eat her face when the sight of it fills him with wolfrage.

It’s also probably bad news for Claire, who’s still at the restaurant with Christian, but returns from the bathroom to find him leading a slutty, little lamb to slaughter in the parking lot.  She follows them to find Christian doing the most ridiculous vampire impression I’ve ever seen – the dude’s not anywhere near the fucking neck.  It looks like he’s biting her face off, and that is NOT SEXY.  I’m alone in that opinion though, as it takes Claire all of two seconds watching and one beckon from Christian to join in at the trough.  Commercial!

This show needs vampire lessons.

Back at the police station, the shit show – it has commenced.  A total of 23 houses were broken into, all families that were at the football game.  Some kind of team of masterminds managed to distract the cops and hit an astounding number of homes in the course of a few hours.  I feel like this group of thieves might be epically more interesting than at least half the characters on this show.  I hope we get to meet them.  Everyone’s losing their shit, of course, and writing down all the incident reports is taking forever because of a lack of manpower.  Buckley’s called Nick three times, but Nick decides to ignore him until they have more information.
Speaking of more information, Marcus receives a call that the Whitfield’s home was broken into – a home that included Leigh’s guest house.  The manpower is depleted one more degree as she rushes to check out the damage.

The wolves, having finished their run, arrive back at the Wonderland Gate…

(seriously, don’t you feel like if you poked through this little rabbit hole you’d find caterpillars and instructional food and drink on the other side?)

… only to discover the lockdown.  Lucas’ keycard doesn’t work and Brett has a shitfit totally unbefitting a teen wolf at the prospect of arriving home late and his mother discovering he broke the rules.   Brett?  Grow.  A.  Pair.

And then he sort of does…  He peeks up and discovers a spot in the trees blind to the camera and straight jumps over the 20 foot wall with all the grace of a fairy princess.  He lets the pack in, and, much to Lucas’ dismay, everyone is pretty impressed and newly in love with Brett.

Leigh returns to her guest house to find that it’s been ransacked and that something on display in a glass case is obviously missing.  Leigh looks like I imagine she would if she came into the station one night to find Marcus peeing all over HALLE.  Guess whatever was taken was mighty important.

Morning dawns, and a much calmer Claire is back in the kitchen faking her life.  Dylan comes downstairs all pajamas and suspicion wondering what the hell she was doing out so late last night with her cell phone switched off. Claire spins a web of deceit about grocery shopping, long lines at the main gate and a dead phone, which Dylan actually believes.  I mean, Claire did join a book club and make some cupcakes this week, so she is obviously totally fine and no longer a liar.  AND just as Dylan starts to hop on her train, ding!  A perfect chocolate soufflé emerges from the oven.  Okay, that’s five soufflé dishes.  What must their wedding registry have looked like?

Eight turkey basters, 14 spoonrests and three roasting pans.  Oh, and some burgundy dish towels.  Impossible to stain!

Back at the police the police station, all of the little people who don’t live in The Gates, but have to work there to support lesser lives on the outside are being interviewed as possible suspects.  I think this montage of scenes is actually the first time the show has intentionally tried to make us laugh.  I mean, it’s not good or anything, but it’s a step in the right direction!  One guy was installing an entertainment unit in a woman’s bathroom, which Marcus bats an eye at.  I think that’s supposed to be funny, but a ton of rich people (and poor people, for that matter) have had TVs and such in their bathrooms for awhile, now, so I don’t really get it.

Next up, Nick interviews the history teacher from earlier, Mr. Abernathy.  He was stuck grading a bunch of history papers, so that’s why he was there late at night.  He makes some comment about teaching not being his first career choice and Nick laughs good naturedly at someone who’s clearly not enjoying a job that involves giving a good education to his firstborn son.  Also feel like this is supposed to be funny somehow, but it isn’t.

Finally an attractive (not gorgeous, not beautiful, but attractive) woman announces she’s a personal escort.  She does it just to make Marcus uncomfortable, which it does, and even more so when she empties her bag full of sex toys onto his desk.  He marks her down as a physical therapist, and, again, I think that’s supposed to be funny, but I don’t know a single personal escort who would walk into a police station, and, you know, admit she was breaking the law.

Escort  I also have several kilos of cocaine in my trunk.  Where do I turn those in?

It’s Leigh’s turn to do the interviewing, and she gets to grill Theresa Whoisuptonogood.  Leigh comes down pretty hard on her, but Theresa lays on the sweet as pie doe eyes so thick I all of a sudden taste cotton candy soaked in maple syrup and know not why.  Leigh asks why, if Theresa was moving in with Marcus, was she exiting The Gates last night with a car full of stuff?  Marcus swoops in because the scene just wasn’t cute enough and explains that in order to make room for his new girlfriend’s stuff, he had to donate some of his- which Theresa was doing.  He pulls Leigh aside and tells her to back off, and Leigh, not putting up with anyone’s shit today, snits that he’s known this chick for a week and the day that a bunch of houses were broken into, she was seen leaving The Gates with a car full of stuff.  I love when Leigh decides to stop coddling Marcus’ baby ass and just lets loose with how much smarter she is than him.

Much to Leigh’s relief, Marcus exits and Peg arrives.  Peg cryptically asks how long Leigh’s been separated from “It,” and Leigh answers that it’s been 12 hours.  Peg gives her some pills for “the pain,” and begins to warn Leigh about being separated from “it” for too long.  Leigh is apparently all too aware of what mysterious ailments she could suffer if separated from the mysterious item, and for emphasis, gets a nosebleed right then and there.  Hmmm… maybe if “it” is so dear to you that it would literally kill you to be without it, shouldn’t you maybe hide it under your bed or something?  Commercial!

We return to the police station and Marcus is going over camera footage of a pedestrian gate that was opened a few hours before the breach.  He catches sight of a letterman jacket in the left corner of the screen, and Nick has him call the football coach to see which player missed the game last night.

Jacket  Oh, Brett.  You’re mom’s gonna be so mad at you!  I can’t wait to see it!

Meanwhile, Andy waits at Fro-Yo-A-Go-Go (No. Joke.) for Brett, but he’s a no show (on the go-go!).  Charlie happens to show up just at the perfect moment, and decides to keep Andy company until Brett arrives.  That is a FABULOUS idea, Charlie.  I cannot think of a SINGLE THING that could go wrong with it.

Speaking of Brett, who is indeed late because he might be in custody soon, he’s sitting in the chief’s office with his mother (Hi, Karen!  I love your hair!) getting grilled by Nick.  Karen tries to explain that Brett couldn’t possibly have had anything to do with the robberies because he was at the football game, something that could be confirmed by hundreds of witnesses.  Unfortunately, Nick’s spoken to Coach Ross, who confirmed that Brett played a little hooky last night.  Brett admits to going “biking” with some kids, namely Lucas Ford, outside The Gates.  Nick isn’t too impressed by Brett’s shitty, shitty, alibi, but Brett volunteers that the history teacher, Mr. Abernathy, saw the kids and can confirm they were together.  This is enough for Nick, who lets the Kreske’s go, even though Karen looks like she’s going to throw up a litter of kittens right then and there.

Back at Fro-Yo-A-Go-Go (No. Joke.), Andy and Charlie are of course having an adorable time because they are meant to be.  They’re having such a good time, that Andy brings up the sexy, stable makeout session.  She apologizes for kissing him when she and Brett were still kind of together.  She’s unsure about whether or not she and Brett have a future, but Charlie, NOT a victim of wolfrage, is understanding and gives her all the time she needs to figure it out.  Aww… she’s gonna try and kill you…

Karen and Brett exit the station and run into Sarah, who greets Karen warmly despite wanting to really mess up her hair, I bet.  Karen is cold as ice and unwilling to sacrifice any love for Sarah out of embarrassment.  As soon as she and Brett are in the car, she grounds him for a month and asks him how many times he’s been running.  He answers that he’s only been once, but that it was safe – no hunters.  Karen calls bullshit, saying there’s no way to know if that was true.  She ends the scene swearing that she won’t let what happened to “your father and Jeremy” happen to Brett.  Ah, just the right amount of humanity at just the right time.

There’s no Devon in this episode, but as long as there’s some Karen, I think I’ll survive.  Commercial.

At last, the Radcliffe’s dinner party is at hand, and Claire’s successful Tarte Tatin is a huge hit.  Mrs. Guest is glad her husband can receive a homemade meal, because she can’t cook for shit, and doesn’t want to.  She compliments Dylan on finding a wife who does.  Realizing that she is, in fact, a happy homemaker, freaks Claire the fuck out and she runs to get more wine.  Dylan follows and apologizes for doubting her earlier.  He compliments the meal and claims he feels like he has the Old Claire back.  Yeah, ’cause she just killed someone.  Claire raises her eyebrows and asks, “And that’s a good thing?”  Dylan affirms, and now that Claire is totally absolved of future killings, she returns to the party, smile firmly pasted on.

Back at the police station, Leigh is showing some signs of wear and tear, and Marcus confronts her about staying away from Theresa.  She spits that Theresa has perfect credit, a perfect record and no previous employment.  Marcus of course thinks it can all be explained away, and claims Leigh is jealous that he’s found love.  Leigh answers with drama worthy of a soap star that he is so wrong.  Thank God for Nick is all I can say when he interrupts with a discrepancy between what Brett said and Mr. Abernathy reported about seeing the kids riding bikes.  He and Leigh go to check it out and it’s onto more Karen!

Sarah is nervously sitting in her kitchen making bakesale small talk.  Karen makes me love her even more when she cuts right through the shit and says that she knows Nick told Sarah about their meeting.

She don’t’ front.

Sarah claims no knowledge and Karen explains that Brett was called in for questioning about the burglaries.  She knows he didn’t have anything to do with it, but finding out he’s been lying to her has thrown her for a serious loop.  Apparently, she works so much to make sure Brett can grow up in a safe environment, that they don’t have a very good relationship, and the death of her husband and Brett’s brother in a hunting accident has been very difficult on them both.  She has a moment of vulnerability, and Sarah offers her some much-needed comfort.  I wish Karen could have a cooler friend than Sarah, but if spending time with a lead on the show means I get to see more of her, yahoo!

Nick and Leigh are at the supposed biking site, and realize that it’s pretty odd place for Mr. Abernathy to be hanging out.  Then Nick notices that it’s also a mail/package delivery and pickup site, and calls off the lockdown.  Leigh asks why, and Nick says that he knows “how he did it.”  Oh, Mr. Abernathy, you really did hate your job, didn’t you?  Commercial!

We return to pan over a serious stash of loot in Mr. Abernathy’s and find him admiring his take.  Wesport Courier knocks at his door, and he stupidly answers to find Nick standing there, peeking in at all of the stolen goods.    Caught!

Brett finally arrives at Fro-Yo-A-Go-Go (No. Joke.) and calmly asks to talk to Andy.  She immediately takes the opportunity to end their relationship and all of Brett’s calm exterior slips right the fuck away.  Andy claims she doesn’t care about Brett the way he deserves and walks away.  Aaaand, that’s it.  No daylight werewolf transformation.

BOOOOORRRING.

At the police station, Leigh and Nick are cataloging the stolen goods, and Leigh is in much better shape now that whatever object that is keeping her alive is somewhere in her midst.  So much so that she apologizes to Marcus and lets him go home early to his girlfriend.  As soon as he’s gone, however, she packs up a bejeweled box and heads off somewhere with purpose…

Also waltzing around The Gates with purpose is Brett, who arrives at the dinky bike park to meet Lucas and the rest of the pack.  Lucas asks what he’s doing there, and Brett tells him he’s “dumped the girl.”  WhatEVS Brett.  Lucas is infinitely pleased and Brett completes his journey to the dark side as the bike pack heads off into the woods to go running again – hunters be damned!

In what must have been less than an hour after she broke Brett’s poor, wolfish heart, Andy heads over to Charlie’s.  She lets him know that she and Brett are no more, mainly because she never felt around Brett the way she feels around Charlie.  Both of them want to try and see where things go as a couple, and they seal the deal with a kiss.  I just have to remark here, that the most important scenes in this episode all just happened in about five minutes.  Is it so necessary to have hamhanded suspense build for the first forty minutes just to result in expected, abbreviated conclusions?  Write better, PLEASE.

Finally, we come to a close on a townhouse, dimly lit in the dark night.  The door opens and Mr. Abernathy walks in.  He turns on a light, and there’s Leigh, looking very pretty and vulnerable in her civvies.  Mr. A. is surprised for a minute that she’s there, but gets over that pretty quickly and just tells her to get out, he’s paid his bail.  She cuts him off, asking him if he opened “it.”  He raises his eyebrows and says, “Oh, that was yours.  I knew there was something weird about that place…”  He brushes it off though, reaches for a beer and tells her that as long as all the charges are dropped, he’ll take all his secrets to the grave.  But he comes up from the fridge facing a silencer and he realizes just how right he is.  Leigh tells him he stole from the wrong people, and that she needs to be sure her secrets stay just that.  Without further adieu, she shoots him dead.

I think “people” is a pretty strong word…

The episode should’ve ended there, but it didn’t.  We cut to Claire, who gets a text from Christian wondering if he’ll see her again, and of course she answers “Yes.”  Because I know I thought Claire’s storyline was over – how about you?
And Leigh returns home, replacing the box in the glass case of OBVIOUS.  She looks inside it for one moment, and a white glow appears to emanate from it.  This is coupled with a picture of her happily wrapped around an adorable guy, and I start to wonder if Leigh is a succubus who’s figured out a way to live indefinitely off of one man…

Next time:  Brett runs some more, Claire cheats some more and Nick gets a clue.

Finally.