The Gates: Seriously, DON’T F With Devon

Previousl-eeeee: Theresa was Amanda, and then she was dead.  Dylan vampired her to death in front of Nick, which complicated their budding bromance.  Barbara the Gossip discovered Claire out with “old friend,” Christian the Fuckworthy Vampire, and immediately made it onto Claire’s very deadly shit list.  And Andy discovered that she’s in possession of a literal kiss of death – she did not think it was as cool as I would have at her age.

This week’s episode, “Jurisdiction,” is all about the control we have or we think we have over our own environment.  It’s mostly evident in Nick who discovers he’s not the only law in town when it comes to vampire maintenance.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

We open at nighttime, a squad car pulling up to Barbara’s dress shop.  Oooh, think Barbara’s number might be up…  Her own fault, really.  Loose lips sink ships, and all.  Nick surveys the scene in the store–there’s destruction, creepy mannequins, some bloodied hair on the corner of a table, and a dead, dead Barbara, complete with two puncture wounds on her neck.  There’s not just a lightbulb going off over Nick’s head when he sees them – there’s a full blown neon sign blinking “VAMPIRE VAMPIRE VAMPIRE.”

I wonder what Nick would have thought of Barbara’s obvious vampire bite before the events of Theresa’s death.  Giant spider?  Widemouthed reptile?  Taser accident?

Claire and Dylan return home from some sort of event, and sink down on the couch, totally whipped.  I would imagine adjusting to a daytime existence from a predominantly nocturnal one would screw up your internal clock a bit.  Claire quips that in the old days, their night would have just been getting started, and Dylan sighs that they’ve grown up since then.  She playfully plops her foot in his lap and he sexily starts to take the shoe off her sweaty foot (gross).  Claire is a total foot fetishist apparently, because this totally turns her on.  She crawls into Dylan’s lap and asks if he’s too much of a tired grown-up to play a little longer and they start going at it like Bunniculas.

Until there’s a knock at the door.  Of course Dylan answers because this is a TV show where no one thinks to tell late night guests to fuck off – especially when they’re getting it on.  It’s Nick, and he needs to talk.

Could you please put your boner away?  We need to talk.

Dylan reluctantly lets him in, and Nick asks about Dylan’s whereabouts that night.  Dude immediately gets all defensive and explains that he was out with Claire at a benefit for a children’s hospital.  “That’s right, Nicky.  Not only do I have an alibi 300 witnesses strong, I was saving kids.  I’ll expect your apology forthwith.”  Nick doesn’t give a fuck where Dylan was, though, because Barbara Jansen, he announces, was killed that night.  By a vampire.  The “I Win”ness with which this trump card was delivered makes me think Nick has a sneaking suspicion vampires can be two places at once.  Wouldn’t surprise me considering he had to Google how to kill one.  Claire looks on mighty guiltily as we roll to credits…

We open back up at the morgue as a white sheet is lifted to reveal Barbara’s lifeless, and finally silent body.  Nick’s brought Dylan to see the body, and explains that the medical examiner is labeling the bites some kind of ritualistic fetishism.  Dylan rolls his eyes a bit at that and then bends down to sniff the wounds.  Because that looks normal and not at all, oh, I don’t know, fetishistic.  He announces that it is indeed a vampire bite, but not a deadly one, as there’s still blood in the body.  Nick’s pretty grossed out by this whole thing, but that doesn’t stop him from probing Dylan further for details.  Dylan’s not sure what more he can offer, and Nick snaps that he’d better pony up something quick because being Vampire Numero Uno on Nick’s radar, Dylan’s the closest thing there is to a suspect at that point.  Dylan pouts that it’s not his bite – that the puncture wounds are far too narrow, and Dylan can prove that, if Nick would like.  Vampire dental recording being just a bit too much for Nick to handle at this point is tossed aside, and he asks about Claire.  Dylan doesn’t know who did the biting, but it was definitely not Claire, who was out with him the entire night.

Nick, dreading the answer to his own question asks just how many vampires there are in The Gates, and Dylan answers that there is a small community (“Fuck fuck fuck!” blares Nick’s brain!) residing in the… community.  He immediately follows-up with the fact that it’s very unlikely that one of them is responsible, because they are a peaceful race, the gated vampires, and only want to live a normal life.  There are strict rules to maintain that behavior, such as “No Hunting Within The Gates.”  Nick believes this rule is followed about as much as he believes Marcus ties his own shoes, and presses Dylan for names.  Dylan of course stonewalls, and Nick of course bitches that he will be investigating and expects Dylan’s help.  Dylan inquires just how Nick plans to arrest a vampire, and Nick’s query about whether or not bullets will be effective earns him a pitying look from Dylan worthy of Mother Theresa.  Dylan ventures that it might be a good plan just to let the vampire community handle this one, and the scene ends, as so many of them do, with Nick looking patently displeased.

We cut back to Claire for a brief moment as she calls Christian, super-pissed, demanding he call her back A-fucking-SAP.

I know you’re up, arsehat.

Daylight dawns and Nick’s at the police station going through the evidence and flashing back to the crime scene all sepia/CSI style.  Sick to shit of the supernatural bullshit he’s now tasked with dealing with, he calls a lady named Evelyn at Miami police department and asks if she still has a job open in her precinct.  Can’t say I blame him.  He hangs up after leaving her a message and calls in a heretofore unnamed flunky named Eddie.  Nick explains that he needs Eddie to do something for him and sets a camera on the desk with great significance.  Dum dum duuuum….

We’re off to Peg’s as she examines Andy’s “rash” and diagnoses it as “getting a little worse.”  Thankfully, though, she’s managed to finish preliminary testing, a drug trial and gotten approval from the FDA in the span of less than a week for Andy’s meds.  Andy’s still a little freaked out by taking them (and I’m starting to figure out why.  I don’t think Peg knows that “holistic” does not necessarily mean “slapdash.”)  Peg assures her that there’s nothing to worry about, but there could be some side effects like nausea, dizziness, APHASIA and blurred vision.  What the fuck kind of side effect is aphasia?  I’m pretty sure you need actual brain damage to experience it.  I’ve taken plenty of drugs, both physically and mind altering, and I’ve never heard aphasia as one of the side effects.  You guys have seen “Drinkin’ Outta Cups,” right?  I’m pretty sure that lizard was on acid and he was still pretty articulate when he was calling himself the treemeister.

Anyway, Andy’s really freaked at this point and not feeling these meds at all, so Peg lays down the law for her.  The rash getting worse is not a fucking good thing – it means that Andy’s losing energy and she’s going to start hunting for someone’s lifeforce to replenish soon.  That is NOT a desirable situation (as I’m sure Peg would be considered partially responsible), and Andy finally agrees, totally unconvincingly, to pop the pills like she’s supposed to.  Okay, so I do get Andy’s reticence, but I’m really starting to doubt her feelings for Charlie.  She is spectacularly unconcerned with sucking the life out of him when it comes to a choice between that and some herbal medication.

We head back to Nick’s office at the station to find him double-checking that his gun is loaded with useless bullets.  He also whips out a gold cross he apparently keeps in his desk for just such an occasion, kisses it, and puts it around his neck.  Lord, get this man some Anne Rice to read.  He is seriously undereducated when it comes to vampire weaknesses.  We cut to another fabulous house in the neighborhood, and Nick’s knocks on the door of Gloria Bennett, all dressed in black.  This fact and the cross tell me that she’s another vampire.  Wheee!  Maybe she’ll be like Christian and not suck.

No such luck.

Nick introduces himself and asks if he can talk to Gloria for a few moments.  Since the show hasn’t seen fit to explain who Gloria is up until this point, I’m guess Nick doesn’t know either, and is just chancing that she might be a vampire, and protecting himself just in case.  Apparently she and Barbara were pretty close, because she’s really upset and already in mourning garb.  She asks about the cause of death, and Nick says there were multiple injuries, but nothing conclusive has been found as of yet.  He asks how long Gloria and Babs knew each other, and Gloria answers that they met six years before, just when they moved into The Gates.  They bonded over shopping, never buying much, just browsing and eventually decided to open a dress shop together, based on their similar tastes.  Does anyone remember the chintz couch Barbara was wearing in last week’s episode?  That compared with Gloria’s toothless goth sweater does not scream matching taste to me.  Nick ignores this obvious fashion discrepancy and asks Gloria about her whereabouts the night before.  She answers that she and Barbara closed up shop around nine, and Gloria left while Barbara stayed to do some invoices.   Oh, but Gloria’s wracked with guilt.  Apparently she told Barbara that she was too tired to do invoices, but she totally just bailed to go to a restaurant.  Damn Gloria, you’s a cold bitch.

Nick’s pretty satisfied with Gloria’s story and moves on to ask her if Barbara had any known enemies that would want to bite her head off.  Gloria assures him that that was not the case – that Barbara got along with everyone she knew (since when?  Woman’s pissed of people in every scene she’s appeared in so far.), even her ex-husband.  Nick takes the bait and asks about said ex.  Gloria answers that his name’s Alex Dupree and he lives right there in The Gates on Cherry Lane.  Nick’s off like a shot, praying to god he finds a vampire with blond hair in his teeth at the end of the rainbow on Cherry Lane.

It’s on to Sarah as she hosts some kind of committee meeting in her kitchen.  There’s no real explanation as to what it’s for, but I don’t care because Karen’s there!  Karen!  With her perfect hair and tense, tense smile!  Oh, how I’ve missed her enduring attempts at perfection.  Sarah mentions something about postponing the meeting considering recent events, but Karen and the other members of the mystery committee won’t hear of it.  Karen says that the one thing Barbara liked more than gossip was being gossip, and asks Sarah what she’s heard.  Sarah uncomfortably says that there’s no cause of death yet, so the gossip, it is thin.  The ladies, though disappointed decide to continue anyway.  Sarah again mentions waiting when she notices that Claire, Lynn(?) and Vanessa aren’t present.  Latent werewolf and vampire hatred rears its ugly head as Karen delicately explains that the committee works independently when it comes to planning events and the other ladies do an art auction while Karen and Co. host a golf tournemant – the split is to encourage “healthy competition.”

Sure it is.

However, there were recent rains and the golf course is unplayable for the foreseeable future, so everyone thought that with Sarah’s experience in Chicago, she might be able to help them plan another event, way better than a silly art auction.  Sarah, totally unable to pick up on any subtext whatsoever, suggests that the ladies take their lumps, and simply work together on the art auction this year.  Some bitch named Charlotte simps that that doesn’t “work for us.”  Seriously getting the tension now, Sarah blanches at the woman’s tone and Karen glosses over mutual hatred between the groups, saying they don’t want to lose the opportunity for competition to bring in more money than “Claire, etc.”  Sarah awkwardly contemplates the crazy bitchnest she’s invited right on into her happy home and we cut to Cherry Lane.

Nick comes upon Alex Dupree, Barbara’s noticeably younger ex-husband doing laps in his pool.  Nick tells him they need to talk, and Alex’s long afternoon of working on his bod is cut short.  We cut to a scene on deck chairs as Alex contemplates Barbara’s death.  He just can’t believe it.  Nick asks about their relationship, and Alex concedes that they were friends – the divorce was completely amicable.  Nick delicately asks that if the couple was still such good friends, what caused the divorce?  Alex, equally as delicately, answers that Barbara was a “free spirit” and it was clear that she was unsatisfied in the marriage.  Whoa!  Barbara was a freeaak!   Nick nods in understanding and gently asks where Alex was the night before around 10:30pm.  Alex answers helplessly that he was home, probably while Barbara was out with one of her many partners.  Nick jokes, “Free spirit, huh?” and the two men seem to fondly recall all the wild, untamable sluts they’ve known in the past, and give Barbara a place of honor among them.  Alex ends the conversation volunteering that one of Barbara’s frequent haunts was a place across town called the Red Door.  Nick thanks him for the info, apologizes once again for the loss and sees himself out.  Think it’s time for a visit to the Red Door, everyone!

But not for Nick!  We arrive at the Red door to find Christian in a booth and Claire accusing him of offing poor, strangely popular Barbara.  Christian’s totally confused (and uncharacteristically unattractive in his new, unshaven state) and reminds Claire that she told him to back off, so he did.  Claire sighs in frustration at the mystery remaining unsolved, and Christian swears he would never jeopardize what they have together.  Claire balks, and tells Christian flat out that what they have is an “arrangement,” nothing more.  Christian continues his descent into weepy vampire bitch when he acts hurt by her admission and soulfully admits that he can’t get her out of his head.  He moved all over Europe, but something keeps drawing him back to her.  Claire gets more and more uncomfortable as it finally becomes clear to her just what she’s started with Christian, and he presses on, telling her she has to know that they should have always been together.  Claire backpedals as fast as her little vampire legs can carry her and tells him not to call her again, leaving him alone in the booth.  I would say, “Aww, poor Christian,” if he hadn’t become such a pathetic fuck in this scene.  Commercial.

Why can’t any of the vampires on this show man up?

Sarah’s at Devon’s, drinking tea of doom, discussing how annoyed she is that the Mystery Committee tasked her with thinking up an event with two days notice.  That is pretty shitty, I must say.  Devon agrees, basically stating that women in suburbia are superficial bitches.  God, I want to be friends with her.  Sarah’s also confused about the weird Karen/Claire competition, and proving that she totally has the skinny on that one, Devon changes the subject abruptly and suggests they do a spa day, with donated manis, pedis and a new anti-aging facial peels she’s just been dying to try out.  Oooh, I wonder if it makes people older instead of younger!  That’d some nice old-school witchcraft for Devon to be practicing.  Sarah loves the idea and suggests they do the art auction outside and pampering inside.  She’s pleasantly surprised that Devon would so readily donate her time and product, and Devon smiles that she’d do anything for a worthy cause.  Sarah’s horrific judgment of character rears its ugly head, and she falls deeper into Devon’s thrall, thanking her heartily for her kindness.  I’ll bet Devon’s awesome at fly-fishing.

We join Dylan, driving down a country road I’m guessing is outside The Gates, just in time for Nick to pull him over.  Dylan drolly asks if he was speeding, and Nick cuts right to the chase, telling him it’s time to talk once more.

Glad to see your little friend won’t be joining us this time.

Nick asks Dylan if the vampire community would be interested if the murdering vamp happened to be someone not a resident of The Gates.  Dylan assents that that would be a cause for concern, and Nick tells him that Barbara frequented a bar called the Red Door.  He’s already spoken to the bartender, got the names of some regulars, and hands Dylan pictures, asking if he recognizes anyone.  Dylan flips through the papers and comes across Christian Harper, Vampire About Town.  He pauses for a second, obviously recognizing him, but doesn’t admit anything to Nick.  He hands him the sheaf of papers back denying knowledge of anything.  The chief’s disappointed, and Dylan takes that moment to assure him that the vampire community is looking into the whole thing.  Then he says that if they get to the perpetrator first, that it’ll  “be too late,” whatever that means.  Too late for Nick to investigate further?  Too late for the criminal vampire?  Who knows?

The scene ends on that rather cryptic note and we head to school, specifically Andy’s locker.  She shuts it to see juicy, juicy Charlie standing before her.  He asks if she’s chosen anyone to do her poetry project on and she proudly answers “Charlotte Bronte.”  Because she’s wicked obscure or something?  I have less faith in this school’s merits with every proceeding episode.  Charlie laughs and pulls out a Bronte autobiography like a secret weapon, and Andy whines that that’s not fair – Jane Eyre is her favorite book!  Charlie whips back that it’s too bad the project’s on her poetry.  He ropes Andy into some chaste Saturday studying by telling her he has the only copy of the autobiography, so they might as well work together.  She hedges, and Charlie assures her that studying is all he has in mind – because they’re taking it slow, remember?  He gives her a kiss on the cheek and hops on his merry way, blissfully unaware of the impending exit of his life force.

It’s back to the Red Door as Christian saunters in, greeting a patron.  Damn, he really is a regular – or an alcoholic.  Dude is there all the time.  He unknowingly passes by Dylan, sitting at the bar, who mutters, “You always were a creature of habit.”  Christian turns and they greet each other like old friends.  Oh!  Because they are old friends!  But Christian’s after Dylan’s girl!  Predictable love triangle!  They sit down to have a drink, and Dylan asks how long it’s been.  About seven years, Christian surmises.  Dylan gets down to business and tells Christian they need to talk.  He asks what brings the other vampire back to town, and Christian answers cryptically, “Chasing love.”  Ass.  Dylan’s surprised by that, considering that Christian’s never been the lovey type, having called Dylan and Claire’s marriage “Depressingly mundane.”  Ha!  Just like the show!  Dylan chooses that moment to tell Christian about Barbara and asks if he had anything to do with her murder.  Christian does remember her, but denies, denies, denies any involvement.  He’s not stupid enough to enter The Gates and get some killing.  Dylan believes, believes, believes this story and they talk about life.  It’s good inside The Gates, Dylan says.  Emily is thriving and Claire is unrecognizable -she cooks!  Dylan’s sad Christian didn’t stay in touch, and Christian admits he felt too much a part of Claire and Dylan’s old life – the one they were trying to escape – to stick around.  Dylan sadly calls Christian his oldest friend, and they toast to old times.  Oh Dylan, you’re almost as a bad a judge of character as Sarah.

Nick is going over security tapes of the Red Door whilst simultaneously taking a minor accident report from a lady over the phone.  He tells the woman that he will make sure to send someone out to her house to investigate the hit and run, but they’re understaffed, so it’s gonna take a while.  He hangs up and notices that after Barbara left that night, a black sedan followed her.  He gets all excited before searching The Gates’ car registry and realizing that everyone and their mother owns a black sedan.

Curses!

It’s back to the Radcliffe’s in which Claire is preparing a fabulous salmon dinner, and when she turns around to place it on the table, who’s there, but Christian!  Happy as a clam.  She’s absolutely horrified, and hisses, “What are you doing here?!”  He flirtatiously asks if she was expecting someone else, and at that moment, Dylan walks in, “happily surprising” her with the presence of their old friend – seen by neither of them in years.  Dylan’s invited Christian for dinner and all the fangs, superstrength and vampire speed in the world won’t save Claire from the most awkward dinner in the world.  Commercial!

Apparently Peg runs a late night office in The Gates, because the moon is out, but Andy’s in her office for the second time in as many days.  Peg asks Andy if she’s had any side effects, and Andy answers happily that she hasn’t – all is going well!  Until Peg steps back and snaps that that’s because Andy obviously isn’t taking the medication.  I guess her pupils should be dilated from the belladonna and something called prolaxifil should be doing something else that it’s not doing.  Andy doesn’t even try to defend herself and just crumbles and apologizes.  What kind of teenager are you, Andy?  Lies are your currency!

Peg doesn’t know why Andy’s apologizing to her – if the meds aren’t taken, it’s Andy’s life that’s headed straight to Fuckville, not Peg’s.  Andy whines some more about the ridiculously mild side effects (if nausea and dizziness make you cringe, FORGET about birth control, Sweets), and claims she doesn’t think the meds are worth it.  Peg protests that taking the medication is the only way to keep Andy safe, and Andy protests right back that her mother and father made it work for many years without the use of medication, so she thinks this whole “medication for self-protection” crap is bullshit.  Peg tries to explain that Andy doesn’t have the whole story about her mother’s death, but the girl’s already out the door in a teenage huff before Peg can explain that Thomas was forced to kill his wife during sexual self-defense.

Which, frankly, I wish she’d just do already.  This ridiculous storyline of smart as a whip Andy having medicine phobia is completely implausible, and the whole thing is obviously just a way to bring the true nature of her mother’s death to the forefront.

And this shit is boring.

It’s back to the Radcliffe’s as Dylan, Claire, Emily and Christian finish dinner.  Christian’s telling a really inappropriate story about Claire to Emily, detailing some of her “drinking days,” and Emily and Dylan are lapping the shit up.  Claire of course, is looking at Christian like she was looking at Barbara last episode, when Dylan changes the subject to ask about this “love” that Christian’s chased all the way back to their doorstep.  He acts like a total asshole, thinly veiling the story of his meeting with Claire in the grocery store into a story about rescuing some princess from the frozen foods aisle.  Emily calls Christian out on this obvious bullshit in a way that I think is supposed to be cute, but is, in fact, just kind of lame.  I think she might suck worse than Dana.  Anyway, she’s totally in love with Christian, and before she heads to bed, asks “Mr. Harper” when he’s coming back.  “Mr. Harper” tells her to call him Uncle Christian (the favored title of betrayers and molesters alike), and tells her he’ll be back real soon.  He takes this moment to explain that he actually saw her mother before her father did, but Dylan cut in line and introduced himself to Claire first.  Thus winning her heart?  Newsflash Christian: I have met many a man in a one-two punch combination, and whom I’ve picked has never been a result of the first come first served rule.  Maybe knock that ego back a notch or two, and you’d have more success with the ladies.   Dylan’s not apologetic, saying that when true love is at stake, one must fight for it.  Christian licks his fangs and agrees, and Dylan follows Emily to bed to tuck her in.

As soon as they’re gone, Claire unleashes some holy wrath on Christian for coming into her home and shitting all over a really nice dinner she planned.  He claims he didn’t intend for any of this to happen (but could obviously not help being a complete and total dickweed the entire time) and flirtatiously points out that they just keep getting thrown together.  Unfortunately for Christian, he’s got no fucking idea just how much shit Claire’s eaten lately, and is pretty surprised when she throws him up against a wall and tells him never to come back on pain of some serious punishment.  Cut immediately to Dylan entering, Claire and Christian having moved to opposite sides of the room.  Dylan wonders at how quiet it is between the two of them, and Christian plays it off.  He does tell Dylan that there’s a ’78 pinot in the wine room that’s calling their name and Claire opts to go get it.  Finally with some privacy, she touches a hand to her lip and sees that her fangs are out and she’s bitten herself.  Uh-oh… I think Claire might be addicted to blood. And danger…

Ride into the DANGER ZONE!

Back at the station, Eddie’s mission is finally revealed.  He was tailing Dylan for the past two days.  Brilliant.  Vampires that don’t know when they’re being watched.  How has Dylan not been staked?  Anyway, Eddie followed and watched D-Bag talk to a number of people, thus providing Nick with a working list of probable vampires living in The Gates.  I’d be more impressed with Nick’s detective work if his success wasn’t a direct result of living with the lamest vampires on television.  There’s one visit Nick’s particularly interested in, and that’s to one Gloria Bennett.  She replaces Dylan as Undesirable Number One in Nick’s mind and we head to commercial.

It’s Mystery Committee Charity Day!  Devon’s totally in her element, peeling people’s faces off.  The women are agog at how amazing they look, and Devon is pleased.  Not because she’s done a good job, but because I imagine she’s peeled away a bit of lifeforce of her own with every mask.  Outside, Claire’s unsettled as she works on the art auction, and so is Vanessa, who’s staring at Barbara’s closed dress shop.  Vanessa wanders over to Claire and asks if she’s heard anything.  Claire answers in the negative and Vanessa expresses sadness and not a little discomfort that Barbara was killed right in their own community.  Claire fucking sick of being everyone’s favorite blackmail victim, thus having no sympathy for Barbara, snots that if there’s one thing she’s learned about The Gates, it’s that they can’t protect you from everything.  Vanessa doesn’t really know where to turn at this point and just sort of stares into the distance sadly.

Sarah and Karen exit the spa and Sarah observes that everything is going swimmingly.  Karen’s not so sure, though, noting that Devon rarely does anything for free and wondering what the other woman’s got up her sleeve this time.  Sarah, obviously just looking for a pat on the back for planning the whole thing in two days draws attention to how much money they’re making, but Karen remains unmoved. Man, if I were Sarah (and unaware of Karen’s superpowers, of course), Karen’s teeth would have been clear across the street at that point, the promise of their return contingent upon a single “thank you.”  But Sarah’s not me, and just rolls her eyes as Karen turns to Claire.  The Werelady snidely mentions that with all the sunscreen Claire uses, a chemical peel might be just what the doctor ordered!  Oh!  Werewolf zing!  Claire, with no time for this shit whatsoever, calmly rolls her eyes over to Karen’s general direction and offers her a “Silver choker?”  Karen is quelled.

I’ll see your snotty remark and raise you a thinly veiled death threat.  I am not in the fucking mood today, Blondie.

We exit the nameless charity event to join Nick as he revisits Gloria.  He immediately confronts her about being a vampire, and Gloria, too tired and grief-stricken to protest admits her nature, but notes that it isn’t illegal.  When Nick presses for more information, she admits that she and Barbara were lovers.  Tears stream down her face as she reveals that she was about as good as satisfying Barbara’s various needs as Ex-Husband was, and while they were happy for some time, Barbara eventually moved out and started dating men again.  But Gloria remained in her thrall and at the dress shop, so that night, when she left Babs to do the invoices, guilt made her return to help.  But when she arrived, what did she find, but Barbara already having suffered a fatal head wound.  The sun gets in Gloria’s eyes right as she finishes that part of the story, and Nick very sweetly closes the curtains for her.  Aww, Nick’s learning that vampires are people, too.  Sometimes gay people, it would seem.

It’s clear Nick wants to believe Gloria, but there’s still the issue of the infamous neckwounds…  He puts his hand on his gun and asks her where they came from.  She quickly explains that Nick has it all wrong -she had been trying to save Barbara by making her into a vampire (you know, blood draining, blood replacement), but discovered it was too late.  She does mention that she heard someone run out just as she arrived, but she was too preoccupied with saving her ex-lover to chase after them.  At this point Nick shows great sympathy, but gently tells her that he still needs to take her down to the station.  That’s when things get hairy and the gun gets drawn.  Gloria freaks out and refuses to go, begging Nick just to let her leave The Gates.  She swears he’ll never see her again, but Nick… he’s a good cop, and he just can’t break those rules.  She pleads with him that if “the others” find out what she’s done (tried to save Barbara or revealed herself to Nick?) that she’ll be dead anyway, so he might as well just let her disappear.  She tries to run, and Nick gives chase, but not before she’s kidnapped from her own home by unseen attackers.

Frigging daywalkers – never see’em coming.

Nick heads back to the police station and places one helluva bitchface call to Dylan (who, like, NEVER goes to work anymore, btw).  Once again, Nick has totally the wrong idea about the situation and accuses the vampire of setting up the cops to do the vampire detective work for them.  He claims Dylan must be behind Gloria’s disappearance, but when Dylan finally manages to get a word in edgewise, he explains to Nick that he had nothing to do with it.  Nick doesn’t believe him, but Dylan reminds him that he warned Nick the vampire powers that be in The Gates would kill Gloria if she was found to be the murderer, an d Nick’s constant visits probably made it look like that was the case.  Nick protests that Gloria was trying to turn Barbara, he learned this by her own admission and confirmed with a coroner’s report that identified blood that was not Barbara’s own in her throat and mouth.  Ew.  Dylan “Oh-no!”s that she must have been telling the truth, but isn’t sure what he can do at this point.  Nick tells Dylan that he needs more time to get to the bottom of things, and Dylan promises that he’ll try to stall the execution until Nick can get more information to clear Gloria.  You guys!  I think they’re gonna be friends!!!

P.S.  During the first part of that phone call, Eddie was following Nick around trying to get him to deal with a lady who seems to keep calling about her car…  I wonder if that’s going to turn out to be significant?

Ugh, time for Andy and Charlie.

Andy quips that she finds Charlotte Bronte to be very sad – she searched for love, but only found pain.  Charlie thinks all love is worth it, even if there is pain that goes along.  He actually thinks the pain is part of what helps people appreciate that love is worth the journey.  He reads some of Charlotte’s poetry, and Andy’s so turned on reading it back to him she decides to take that very leap right then and there.  Charlie and Andy go slow no more – furious making out commences!  Followed quickly by Charlie’s inevitable collapse.  Duh.

Nick’s looking at the black sedan list and notices that Alex DuPree owns one.  Hmm.  Eddie walks in with more phone calls from the hit and run lady, who wants an accident report on her car before she has it repaired from when it was hit… Wednesday night outside the B&G Dress Shop!  Nick perks up immediately at this, realizing that was the night Barbara was murdered, not to mention the scene of the crime.  Eddie asks what it all means, and Nick quizzically answers that it means this particular lady is not the only one concerned with her car’s appearance.  Oh, I should probably take this moment to mention that Alex Dupree told Nick in their first meeting that his car was being washed and detailed at the time they spoke.  Sorry I forgot to slip that one in!

Charlie is significantly less affected by this makeout than he was the one two episodes ago, because he wakes up almost immediately.  Andy apologizes a lot, saying that it’s not him, it’s her, but she leaves before explaining anything.  Oh, poor Charlie.  Tired and confused.  Commercial.

It’s back to Alex DuPree’s house, and he’ s still in the pool.  Maybe because his car’s in the shop.  Nick confronts him about not only his car being in the shop the day after Barbara got murdered, but also having green paint taken  off of it.  Apparently the woman who’s been calling all this time had her green car hit in the Red Door parking lot the night Barbara was killed.  Nick intimidates Alex some more, and finally, the ex-husband admits to going behind everyone’s back and trying to get back with Babs.  Again, I ask, “Why?”

In the immortal words of Heath Leger circa “Ten Things I Hate About You,” “Does this bitch have beer flavored nipples or something?”

However, she wasn’t having it, apparently, and when she went to walk out, Alex grabbed her, and she fell, dealing herself a deadly head wound.  Alex sadly admits that it was a stupid accident and that he never meant to hurt Barbara.  He just wanted her back…  And now he’s under arrest.  Case closed!  Nick puts Alex in the squad SUV, and calls Dylan to share the news, hopefully saving Gloria’s life in the process.

The charity event has come to a close, and Sarah, Karen, Claire, Devon and Vanessa are counting the take.  $20,000 and change!!  For what?!!  We will never know.  But Frank, who’s come to collect Vanessa is very impressed.  Sarah gives all the credit to Devon for donating her space, time and product.  Devon chimes in, awesomely, that really, a lot of the credit goes right back to Frank.  She announces to the room that his infidelity paid for the spa, and she sold a bunch of the jewelry he gave her to do the remodel.  It’s so fantastic how she just counts off shit in the spa and says things like, ‘That was your boat, that was the necklace you got me in Acapulco, that was our goldplated dinnerware, etc.”  She then turns to Vanessa and lets her know that when Vanessa is inevitably cheated on, she’ll probably be able to open up her own real estate agency.  Everyone else in the room is incredibly embarrassed, and Frank and Vanessa exit.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – don’t fuck with Devon.

Claire, feeling the need to be involved in this situation, comes up to Devon, calls her pathetic and predictable and leaves.  Karen follows, quipping that the scene was a shame – she was just starting to like Devon.  Sarah, who just wants to take the money and run, tries to leave without saying anything, but Devon stops her.  She apologizes for saying what she did, and when Sarah asks why, Devon admits that seeing Frank with Vanessa still blows hardcore chunks.  Sarah asks what happened between her and Frank, and Devon tells her that Frank ended their ten-year marriage abruptly… at their favorite restaurant… where Frank had been bringing Vanessa… for years… and everyone knew.  So yeah, Devon’s got a bone to pick with EVERYONE, but Sarah, at this point.

Nick’s finishing up his day at the station, gazing at the Miami lady’s number, when Gloria and Dylan pop in to thank him for solving the case and saving Gloria’s life.  Nick’s actions also contributed to her being allowed to stay in The Gates, so she’s doubly thankful, and gives him a little kiss on the cheek for good measure.  After her departure, Dylan steps forward and apologizes for not being able to give more assistance  in the case.  Nick’s understanding and appreciative of the fact that Dylan obviously did what he could.  The vampire also lets Nick know that the chief has gained a lot of goodwill in the vamp community by helping Gloria.  Nick nods and asks Dylan what would happen if his people found out about Theresa’s death, and Dylan quietly admits that the only punishment for killing inside The Gates is death.  Nick, finally understanding the just what Dylan risked for him that night, shakes his hand, and the bromance, it has been sealed.

So it shall be shaken, so it shall be done.

Dylan leaves and Nick checks his voicemail to find one from Miami Evelyn, telling him the job is still available.  But it doesn’t look like Nick is taking it anytime soon.  Yay!

It’s time for the end montage, and we cut to Andy, who finally decides to take her meds.  Bout time.  Then it’s off to Devon, who’s taken the face masks she’s made from everyone that day and creepily hung them up darkroom style, recording everyone’s name and birthdays!!  WHOOOAA!!!!  Watch the fuck out, Gates.  Watch.  Out.  She’s gonna steal your faces!

We end this week at Frank’s, in an interesting twist.  Nick’s there to confront Frank about not being up front with the magical creature zoo he asked Nick to police.  Frank doesn’t bat an eyelash, claiming Nick wouldn’t have believed him anyway, and working in The Gates was the best opportunity Nick was going to get after what happened in Chicago.  He also reveals that he knows about the Miami job, and that if Nick decides to leave, with all the secrets, Frank wouldn’t be able to “protect” them.  I think that means he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from killing them.

Dylan shows up at that moment, and it looks like he and Nick are about to find out the real reason they’re going to be lifers at The Gates – or at least lifers under Frank’s control.  He shows them the video of Dylan killing Theresa and the “Son of a BITCH” that erupts from Nick and Dylan’s combined looks actually shook my computer.  Everyone has secrets that need protecting, says Frank, ending our episode on a douchey note.  I kind of wish both men just shared a look with each other and then tandemly killed the shit out of Frank.  Problems solved!

“Will bullets work on this asshole?”  “Abso-fucking-lutely.”