Previously on “The Gates,” lots of interesting cool things happened, but none of them make it into the mini-cap, which does not give me much hope for this week’s episode. In a nutshell, Claire dumped Christian, Andy kissed Charlie’s life right out of him, Sarah discovered that rich ladies are mean, Devon was up to no good, and Buckley started blackmailing Nick and Dylan.
Maybe they’ll make out or something.
We open on a shirtless Nick, in bed having some kind of nightmare. Sarah’s whispered “Nick! Nick!” wakes him, and he opens his eyes to see her in Dylan’s black-eyed clutches, alongside Frank Buckley. Obviously we’re still in dream-mode, but I kind of wish we weren’t. How hilarious would it be if Nick had actually woken up to Dylan about to eat his wife, and Buckley standing there like some kind of murderous game show host?
“Nick, I’m sorry to tell you that we were looking for ‘Who was Ben Franklin?’ not ‘Who was AlexanderHamilton?’ How much did you wager? Your wife? Oh, that’s too bad.”
No such luck, alas. DreamBuckley tells DreamNick that the Monohans can never leave, and DreamDylan chomps down on DreamSarah’s throat like her neck is a bloody delicious corn on the cob. Nick wakes with a start in daylight, and wonders if there actually is a good side of the bed that morning. He heads downstairs looking exhausted to find Sarah on the phone trying to convince Claire to come to a pool party. She explains that Claire simply can’t miss it – there will be tapas from that local Spanish restaurant they both like, and sangria! The ironic vampire’s drink of choice. Claire finally agrees to attend what will surely be a shitshow of gigantic proportions, and Sarah hangs up to greet her husband. Nick comments that the pool/housewarming party is becoming quite the event, and she responds that things wouldn’t be so hard if the ladies weren’t so “cliquey.” Can I ask who, outside of high school, actually still uses the word “cliquey?” I mean, if I’m in a situation like that at work or something where people are lame and exclusive… they’re just lame and exclusive.
Anyway, Nick’s too tired to be really concerned with a party he’s not attending, Sarah notices. She asks if he got any sleep at all the night before, and reminds him that this job was supposed to be less stressful than Chicago. Nick’s a far better man than I in this moment, when he does not, out of fatigue and morning grouch snap, “Well there weren’t fucking vampires in Chi-town, now were there? Were there, Sarah?” No, he sweetly tells her that he’s fine, and heads off to work.
Over at the Radcliffe’s, Claire’s whining about Sarah’s party, and Dylan, on his way out the door, is telling her to go and not let Karen Kreske bother her. Claire pouts that she can’t stand being around Karen and “her lot” because of the overwhelming smell of gross wet dog that follows them wherever they go. Whoa, hold the phone! I think we may have just found the mysterious explanation of the age-old feud between vampires and werewolves – werewolves reek of dog, and vampires, with their supersense of smell can’t stand being around them. Think about it – how hard is it to be nice to someone with nasty B.O.? Imagine if it were ten times more pungent than normal, and you had to socialize regularly with this person. Violence could erupt, no? I could also see how having a natural B.O. that you can’t do anything about, and having some frigid bitches look down their noses at you (frigid bitches who eat people, no less – gross!), would spark some animosity. EUREKA! I’ve solved it! Nothing that some Airwick and a few noseplugs won’t fix.
Anyway, Dylan tells Claire to go, just so they can look normal for once (compared to whom, exactly? Suddenly Sainted Barbara and her undead lesbian girlfriend?), and gets a phone call from Nick. Our dynamice duo needs to meet right away, and just like that, Dylan’s off like a shot.
Claire’s left to apply sunscreen and see if she has a swimsuit made entirely of silver.
I wonder if Vicks’ll do the trick.
Nick and Dylan meet up at some weird lake that I guess is pretty obscure because Dylan makes some remark about the whole thing being pretty clandestine. Not really, if you ask me. If Buckley keeps close enough tabs on Nick to know when he’s planning on maybe moving to Miami, an early morning sojourn to a swamp to meet a vampire might make the radar blip. But I’m not a cop, so what do I know?
Nick called the meeting to discuss with Dylan digging up something on Buckley (incidentally, the title of this week’s episode is “Digging the Dirt,”) so the two have a little blackmail of their own to wield. Way to not eat shit, Nick. He shows Dylan a file on some guy named Harrison, Buckley’s business partner and a co-founder of The Gates who died under mysterious causes. Nick thinks it’s worth investigating, but Dylan blanches a little at stirring the already chaotic pot. Way to eat shit, Dylan. Nick appropriately tells Dylan to man-up in so many words, and asks the toothless vamp if it wouldn’t be better to live life out from under Buckley’s thumb. Also, Dylan’s on The Gates’ board, and in possession of access to a super-secret vampire community with all sorts of stealthy snooping abilities, so the investigation has a serious chance of digging up something worthwhile. Dylan hems and haw some more, and Nick once again reiterates that bending over all the time gets old after awhile. Dylan finally agrees to help. Credits.
“We couldn’t meet at a fucking coffeeshop? I took you to a fucking coffee shop when I wanted to be sneaky.” “Stop being a bitch.”
It’s schooltime for The Gates’ children, and this means we get a scene with Charlie, Brett, Andy or Dana – none of which I’m looking forward to. Cut to Andy all shaky-like in the girls’ bathroom, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was on her way down from something. She ‘s on the phone with Dr. Peg (the fact that she allows herself to be called “Dr. Peg” does not inspire my already waning confidence in her holistic, witchy, medicine woman schtick) complaining that the side effects from the medication are pretty bad and she doesn’t know how much longer she can handle everything. The show is really committed to the whole “aphasia” thing, going so far as to have Andy mix up some words when she’s on the phone. I spoke to a couple of my med school friends, and consulted some common sense about this whole thing, and they agree with me – aphasia is mainly caused by serious brain damage, and isHILARIOUSLY unlikely to be caused by pharmecueticals or herbs or some shit. Hey Show – kidnap one of the medical consultants that “Grey’s Anatomy” has the budget for and make them give you some advice on making Peg’s practice a little less ridiculous.
Hi, Shonda? Yeah, we’ll have him home in a few days. Sorry, this is serious.
I guess Peg’s on vacay, because she tells Andy to keep taking the meds until they can meet again. Andy reluctantly agrees, gets off the phone only to DRY SWALLOW two giant horse pills! I straight up do not get people who can do that! The biggest pill I’ve ever been able to pop without a large glass of something to wash it down was my birth control, and I’m pretty sure even that gave me heartburn. Eeesh. Andy exits the bathroom to run right into Charlie, who’s been looking all over for her. He asks why she’s been avoiding him after things got weird the other night - didn’t they have something special? I think your second total collapse post-kissage warrants a little more serious a label than “weird.” Charlie’s not at all curious as to why that keeps happening, and just presses Andy some more for attention. It doesn’t work, and Andy blows him off for class.
Devon! It’s time for Devon Devon Devon and I perk up instantly. She’s online dating, flipping through pictures and comes across Jason Stackhouse. No joke – the guy could be his twin. She looks at “Beastlyboy” like he’s ice cream, wrapped in prosciutto dipped in something else universally delicious and calls him “just what I’ve been looking for.” I’m guessing with her penchant for messing with supernatural creatures and Jason’s ever-so-sneaky screenname, that he’s a werewolf and is in possession of some bodily fluid or other that Devon needs. We don’t get to find out for certain, though, because at that moment, Nick arrives, asking questions about Frank.
I’m right, right?
Devon gleefully asks if Frank is in lots and lots of trouble, and Nick diplomatically answers that he’s just there for some information. Cut to Devon showing him pictures of Mr. Harrison, or “Uncle Billy,” to her. He was a family friend of Devon’s father’s and she introduced him to Frank. Harrison had always treated her like the daughter he never had, and the two were very close. So were he and Frank – it was Harrison who helped make Frank the wealthy dreamer he is today as opposed to the dirt poor dreamer he was back when and he and Devon were married. Oh, man, the degree to which Devon was scorned just keeps getting worse and worse. She’s a total fucking psycho, but I blame her less and less with each passing episode. When Nick probes into Harrison’s accident, Devon admits that he and Frank had had a huge falling out just before Uncle Billy’s death, and she thinks it may have had something to do with the older man finding out about Frank’s affair. She also makes sure to mention that due to Harrison’s death, Frank is now the sole recipient of all profits generated by The Gates. Boy, this all seems neat and tidy, doesn’t it? But we’re at minute six, Guys, and with this show’s love for introducing new characters and making them murderers within one to two episodes, I’m guessing it won’t have been Frank that killed Harrison, but an evil fairy from the planet Zargon.
While Nick’s day just keeps getting better and better, Claire’s just keeps getting worse. She’s on her way to a party she doesn’t want to go to when she gets a text from Christian, her vampire crack. He writes, “I’m thirsty. You?” He’s such a dick. Even the excitement of infidelity would fade away for me in the face of a dude who was such a blatant selfish prick. Before Claire can freak out too much about the text, Sarah opens the door, notices she’s a bit of mess and asks if she’s okay. Claire answers that she’s fine, and offers up a quiche she brought to change the subject.
Leave it to quiche.
The two ladies head to the pool and Claire mentions that she may not be staying for long – it’s just that she’s quite sensitive to the sun and doesn’t swim. Sarah, not to be deterred from making everyone friends, says that all the women in their bejeweled swimwear probably aren’t going to be hitting the water anytime soon. Before Claire can punch Sarah in the face and yell, “I do not like werewolves, Bitch – this kumbaya bullshit is never going to happen!” Leighvil enters! Because she only works when she wants to? I must say, Leighvil is going to be Leigh for the rest of this scene because she awesomed her way back into my good graces. First off, she’s wearing a swim costume that can only be described as bitchin’ and without any glossing whatsoever, straight up offers Sarah a pitcher of margaritas to help deal with all the catty bullshit that is sure to ensue. Then she admits – to Sarah’s face – that the only reason she’s even there is to watch said catty bullshit ensue! The only thing that could really top this scene is if she had whipped out some popcorn as Karen arrives right behind her.
Karen’s entrance (tray of venison in hand – Dear Show, we get that she’s a werewolf.) provokes Claire’s immediate relocation out of the sun, some sad looks from Sarah, and practically a high five from Leigh, who can’t believe her luck at a day off that includes a ringside seat to some Karen/Claire bitch fighting.
Unfortunately, there are other storylines besides Leigh’s sudden evolution into non-suckage, and we head to the police station. Dylan’s there telling Nick that he’s spoken to Lloyd, The Gates’ CFO, and there’ve been some interesting developments. Apparently Frank couldn’t have killed Harrison for profit, because the man doesn’t really make any. Dylan explains that Buckley is almost underpaid according to his position, and that eighty percent of The Gates’ profit goes into a trust, that neither Frank, Vanessa, or Devon can touch. Not to be deterred, Nick wonders if Buckley’s motive for killing Harrison wasn’t money, perhaps it was anger. The two men did have a falling out, so it’s possible, Dylan agrees, but it would be very difficult to prove. Nick suggests that they probe Lloyd, since the CFO’s been with The Gates’ since its inception, he may have some light to shed on the situation. Really wishing he could just go back to work, Dylan agrees to further digging..
Back at school, Brett makes a triumphant return to the screen when he notices Andy’s having a bit of a jingly-jangly morning. He asks her if she’s okay, and she brushes him off, taking her direction to be “shaky” very literally. She doesn’t so much sound like she’s on drugs as she sounds like she’s just really cold. Charlie sees the exchange and is uncomfortable, and I’ll bet there’ll be fighting before the end of the school day.
Back to the party! Whew, finally. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for the past few minutes waiting for the entertainment to return. Claire’s sitting by herself under a really cute parasol, mentally thumbing her nose at Dylan’s suggestion to act normal. Karen walks up to her and snidely offers her some venison – bloody rare, just the way Claire likes it. Claire coldly asks why Karen’s in such an odd mood – a full moon perhaps? Karen walks away. Sarah’s sick, just sick at everyone’s patent refusal to get over years of animosity at one lame pool party. Leigh, probably a few margis in the bag at this point, tells Sarah that that’s just the way things are – Claire, Karen and their respective friends do not get along. Oh someone just tell Sarah about all the secret identities already. It’ll make her life so much easier in the long run. Everyone else’s, too.
But there are tapas! And venison…
Vanessa comes over to congratulate Sarah on such a nice party, and asks if she’s enjoying her new home in The Gates. Sarah mumbles that the place is good, but the people could use some work. Surprisingly taking no offense to that remark, Vanessa, sweetly thanks Sarah for throwing a party and inviting ladies who haven’t attended an event together in years. But just having everyone in the same room isn’t enough for Sarah. She’s got to go over to Claire and pretty much bully the vampire into going over and saying “Hello” to Karen. Jesus, Sarah , lay OFF. If you were my friend, it wouldn’t be for long. Claire, channeling her husband, gives in and grumbles that she’ll greet Karen, but if bitch starts some shit, it’s not gonna be pretty. And it isn’t. Pretty that is, but not because of Karen. More so because just as Claire’s walking over, Devon arrives! Piece de resistance! Everyone at the party falls silent, as a collective “OH HELL TO THE NAW!” rushes through their heads. Devon greets everyone in her traditionally bitter manner, and this rather large straw breaks Claire’s back and she storms out. Somewhere in the background Leigh chugs her margarita and throws a fist pump.
I heard there was venison.
Cut to one of those suburban corporate buildings (you know, the ones that look brand new, and are too short and squat to live in a real metropolis?) in which Nick and Dylan are paying a visit to one, Lloyd Foster, CFO. Nick asks if Frank and Harrison had a falling out before the latter’s untimely death. Foster confirms nothing, calling the fight a rumor, but he does mention that Harrison was very close to Devon, and learning of Frank’s affair would surely bring out the grouch and grizzly in the older man. After all, Harrison was so upset about something he made moves to shut down The Gates completely, but conveniently died before he was able to do so. Foster reminisces about just how Harrison looked in the crime scene photos – face down at the foot of a flight of stairs in a pool of blood. Now, I’ll bet this all sounds neat and tidy on paper, but the way Foster seems to enjoy telling the story and the way he’s working the snowglobe in his hand like he’s Jareth from “The Labyrinth,” makes me think he might just be a Zargonian fairy. Nick might agree with me, because he looks pensive for a moment, and then requests all financial records for The Gates from that year, along with a copy of Harrison’s last will and testament.
You remind me of the babe…
The meeting’s over, so it’s time to check on Andy at school. She’s still acting all junkie-esque, and is obviously sick of it, because she flushes her pills down the toilet. Is there a reason she could have just not taken them? Eh, who can explain teenagers?
Back at the party, Devon’s telling women stupid enough to talk to her how much she lurrrves internet dating. Claiming it’s the wave of the future (or the nineties), she explains that there are tons of eligible men on the sites, and after sifting through the losers, there are plenty of acceptable dating partners. She catches Karen (who looks fucking fantastic btw. That’s a bowflex body if I’ve ever seen one.) out of the corner of her eye, and teases that the other woman should try it – because there’s no use growing old and feeble all alone. Sarah cringes more than I ever thought possible, and Karen gracefully turns the other cheek… of her fabulous ass. I’m sorry if I that was inappropriate, but woman looks AMAZING.
Devon notices that Sarah looks really uncomfortable and hurries over to ask what’s wrong. Instead of telling Devon to stop being a royal cunt and ruining the housewarming, Sarah just sad monkeys that the party’s a disaster and she can’t understand why one is getting along. Devon condescendingly says that the reason Sarah doesn’t get it is because she’s “nice.” I put that in quotes because the way Devon delivers that line makes it obvious that “nice” equals “stupid” in her book. Mine, too, when it comes to Sarah. Done with that part of the conversation, Devon immediately changes the subject and reveals that Nick visited the spa that morning asking about Frank. She asks Sarah just what in the name of gossip he was doing there. Sarah says he hasn’t mentioned anything, and Devon correctly divines that he probably wouldn’t anyway out of respect for his office. Sarah nods, and Devon takes the opportunity to offer her a housewarming present – more of her special tea. Dum, dum DUM! TEA-VIL!! Karen who’s been watching the whole exchange with serious discomfort saunters over to interrupt and offer come venison. Devon rolls her eyes and calls “venison” pretty obvious. I’ll say. Karen simply smiles and butts Devon into the pool! Awesome. Sarah’s pretty distraught, and Leigh’s splashed, but probably totally enjoying herself even more.
Work it, Girl!
Nighttime falls on The Gates, and Nick and Dylan head to the office of the supposed trust where most of The Gates’ money goes. Apparently there was a codicil added in Harrison’s will a week before he died that makes that so. Sounds shifty to me… It’s late at night, so the office is deserted, but really deserted. No desks and shit all over the floor deserted. Dylan remarks that the office looks pretty abandoned, and Nick, noticing a security camera in the corner, comments, “Not completely.” The next shot is of Dylan disabling said camera. Hope no one was watching right then. Like a CFO who knows there’s an investigation afoot, perhaps. Looking through some paperwork that’s conveniently lying around, Dylan and Nick discover that the only thing the company really does is siphon money from Harrison’s estate off into a bank account in the Carribean. Dylan recognizes the place is a shell company because he’s set a few up in his time. He explains that since vampires outlive their identities due to a lack of aging, they have to reinvent themselves every decade or so. However, they’re more willing to part with things like names and birth certificates than they are with any wealth they may amass, so shell companies are often set up in order to launder the money from one identity to another. Nick recognizes that the trust would be a brilliant way for Uncle Billy, who had no children, to funnel money to himself were he a vampire! Brilliant! Now how to figure out if Harrison is among the ranks of the undead? I think shovels may be involved…
A new day dawns and we come upon Devon at the spa online chatting with “beastlyboy.” They’re enchanted with each other, and Devon suggests they meet in real life. Just as she’s asking for his number so they can chat on the phone, Sarah stops by to return a bowl Devon left at the party the day before. She apologizes if she’s interrupting, but Devon brushes her off, and invites her to sit… for some TEA-VIL. Cut to Sarah sipping the tea and talking about how she just can’t get enough of it. That’s because it’s bad for you, Sweetie, but you’re “nice,” so you wouldn’t understand.
Cake. Piece of fucking cake.
Devon apologizes for her behavior at the party, and Sarah won’t hear anything of it – after all, Devon was the one who got thrown in the pool. After she was a giant bitch to, like, everyone, but that fact seems lost on Sarah. Devon probes her for more information about Nick’s investigation into Frank, and Sarah, dutiful police chief wife she is, stonewalls yet again. So Devon just hypnotizes her tea-drunk ass. Sarah spills everything she knows, which isn’t much, but enough that Devon drives her home without lobotomizing her or anything. Sarah thanks her for the tea, and Devon says the magic words, “Forget all about it!” and Sarah exits, happy as a clam.
Karen, conveniently positioned in a passing golf cart witnesses Sarah exiting Devon’s car, and is very, very uncomfortable. Also, looking great in a cute little golf ensemble. Devon drives away, getting on speakerphone with “beastlyboy.” God, that screenname is so lame it’s hard to type.
A new day dawns at school, and Brett is back up in Andy’s grill trying to figure out what’s wrong. She gets pissed and keeps pushing him away, when Charlie steps up to her defense. Of course, a fight ensues, and of course, Charlie gets his ass kicked. After getting punched to the ground, he gets up and tries to make another go at Brett, when Andy stops him – her bare arms getting all veiny at the prospect of Charlie’s delicious lifeforce. This does not escape Brett’s keen wolf vision, and he finally starts to get what Andy might be going through. I’m sure he’s not suspecting of the specifics, but it seems like he knows she might be a little left of center, just like him.
She’s a superfreak?
Devon has made quick fucking work of “beastlyboy,” literally. They’re going at it nooner style, and he wonders at how a “mutt” like him got lucky enough to snag a babe like her. Devon sweetly tells him that she picked him because he was “different.” Despite his spectacularly poor identity hiding, “beastlyboy” claims he’s not that different. Devon disagrees, and begs him to “be himself ” with her. Before I freak out that I might have had Devon pegged all wrong and that her big plan is get into beastiality, he just makes his eyes go all wolfishly gold, and the scene ends. Whew. Seriously, though? She tells you she likes that you’re “different” and you totally reveal yourself to her, bb? You might be a worse werewolf than Dylan is a vampire. I’m glad she’s probably going to kill you.
Dylan and Nick stroll through the cemetery, shovels in hand, and Dylan asks what they’re doing there. A garden, Dylan. You’re going to plant a fucking secret garden. Sheesh. Nick answers that the only way to figure out Harrison’s identity is to “dig,” so that’s just what they’re going to do. I must say, watching them split dirt is kind of hot and manly in an alpha sort of way. Nick I mean. Dylan’s just uncomfortable and unsure like he usually is.
And the title metaphor, she springs to life!
We return from commercial to find Nick and Dylan at the coffin. Dylan pries it open to find… a skeleton. In an old man suit. I’m convinced it’s Harrison, but Nick has less faith in the truth of fashion than I do, so he tells Dylan to check and see if skeleton’s hip is a replacement. It is, and the two agree that Harrison is not, unfortunately for him, a vampire. Dylan hangs his head at the failure of the vampire theory, and I hang my head at the loss of a storyline in which Uncle Billy Harrison is revealed to be Former President of the United States, William Henry Harrison – vampire about town. Twas not to be. Nick asks him to turn the skull over – there’s something about the crime scene photos that make him curious. Dylan balks at this, and Nick finally comments on how inappropriately squeamish Dylan is with the whole dealing with the dead thing. I’m curious myself. Though it could just be a, “Dude, this was your fucking idea, you touch the skull.” thing. Not as vampiric as I would like, but understandable. Anyway, Dylan does as he’s told, turns the skull, and Nick notices an impact wound that did NOT happen from a fall down the stairs. Harrison’s death was no accident. Christ, DUH.
His late-night activities complete, Dylan sneaks into his house. He’s not nearly as experienced at this sort of thing as his wife is, and she vampires in right behind him. She angrily whispers that she smelled him coming in. Claire is just not a fan of smelling shit, I think. She questions him and Dylan reveals everything – Buckley blackmailing Nick and him, and their quest to seek leverage. She asks what Buckley wants in exchange for not turning them into the aurhorities, vampire or otherwise and is shocked when Dylan answers, simply, that silence is the man’s only request. Claire is righteously pissed that after she’s worked so hard to be normal Dylan would endanger their situation when all he has to do keep their situation at the status quo is shut the fuck up and live the status quo. She pointedly tells him to follow his own advice and goes to bed. Damn, when Claire has a point, she has got a fucking point. I mean, it’s not easy to own Dylan in a verbal debate, but her little tirade was award-winning.
And take a bloody shower before you come to bed.
The next morning, Charlie’s off to school when Mia, Andy’s lie detector making friend from the first two episodes, runs up and tells Charlie he’s going to miss the bell. He reveals that he was kind of hoping that would be the case what with the wicked shiner he’s rocking. Mia tells Charlie he shouldn’t’ be ashamed of his war wound – he was being noble and whatnot. Charlie disagrees, saying that all he accomplished was getting his ass kicked (agreed), and Andy acted like the whole thing was his fault when all he was trying to do was help. He moans that he doesn’t get it (Charlie takes after his mom when it comes to a lot of things, it seems). Mia assures him that while their mutual friend is definitely going through something, Andy cares for Charlie. Our hero is not so sure.
At the police station, Nick’s on the phone with Dylan, who’s backing out of their supersecret investigation, when Buckley appears in the doorway and hears Nick’s protests. Nick sees him, gets off the phone with Dylan, and Buckley comments that the vampire is the smart one in this situation. Nick, pissed off at Dylan’s spinelessness for what I’m sure will not be the last time, takes it out on Buckley. With very little preamble, he comes right out and accuses Frank of murdering Harrison and stealing money from the dead man’s estate. Buckley, in the sincerest moment he’s ever had on the show, becomes genuinely upset that Nick would accuse him of murdering a man that was like a father to him. Frank says he could never have hurt him. When Nick brings up the fact that Harrison was trying to close The Gates (giving Buckley obvious motive) Frank protests that Harrison was angry and confused, but certainly no threat to anyone. I have to comment once more on how horrified Frank is at the idea that Harrison could have died at his hand. It’s kind of endearing… Weird, but endearing. Especially since he’s been such a schmuck up till now.
Nick’s resolve cracks a bit, but he still has doubts, and asks Frank that if Harrison was his mentor, shouldn’t he be curious about the fact that the man was murdered. Frank immediately assures the chief that he will be having “his people” look into it, but Nick sensing that Frank might agree, and that there might be something way bigger than he could have imagined going on, insists that Frank allow him, and only him to continue. Frank agrees. Could another bromance be brewing???
I mean, it sure looks like someone could use a hug.
It’s bath time for Devon and bb, as they bask in the post-coital glow. bb, who will languish in the lower case for the stupidity of his actions and choice of screenname, is still agog that he found someone like Devon – what with him being so “different” and all. She mysteriously mentions that she’s been searching for someone like him for a long, long time. bb finds it doubtful that someone with eyeliner like hers that stays in place so well in bathwater, has any trouble getting what she wants. She disagrees, calling her life a “series of disappointments,” and admitting that people have hurt her. She leaves out the part where because of said hurt she’s drugging them and taking creepy molds of their faces, so bb is understandably sympathetic. He promises her that all she needs to do is point him in the direction of anyone who’s hurt her, and he’ll take care of them. Aww, he’s sweet. And so, so dead.
Devon agrees with me on not one, but two counts and calls him sweet – not subtle, but sweet. She mentions there is a way he can help her, and exits the tub to get more bubble bath. She grabs this bottle of blue liquid from her bag, and I think this is the end of the line for sweet, stupid, bb. He tells her if there’s anything he can do to help her, he’s more than willing. She answers, in a deadly sweet voice, that it’s not what he can do, but what he can give. Gross! What’s she gonna take?? She dumps the bottle into the tub, and bb immediately starts thrashing around in fear or maybe pain. In a minute, he’s paralyzed and terrified in the water, REALLY disappointed in the turn the day has taken, and Devon tells him that what she really needs, are his eyes. Then she pushes his head under the water, drowning him, so she can scoop them out without a fight. Okay, damn. I know Devon’s a psycho and I know that’s what I love about her, but she’s marching into unredeemable-land at a pretty quick pace…
Claire’s day is starting off a little less successful. She comes home to find roses from Christian, and nearly has a conniption at their presence. Guess I understand that. Dylan’s been “working from home” a lot lately and totally could have read the card and guessed the entire situation. She throws them against a wall in a panicked rage, calls Christian and leaves him a bitter, angry message about everything needing to stop, when the doorbell rings. Claire hangs up and goes to answer it, discovering Karen Kreske on the other side. Karen is immediately told she can’t come in, and pushes past Claire, shoving it in the vampire’s face that she doesn’t need an invitation to enter a house. Karen’s bravado/bitchiness exits the scene, however, upon her discovery of the roses and broken vase. She’s immediately concerned. Like, really concerned. It’s just a little weird, because it’s not like Claire has a fat lip claiming she ran into a door. Christ. If I visit someone I don’t like and they have broken glass and flowers all over their foyer, I just think, “Ha ha! You’re messy!”
Not Karen, though. She asks what’s happened and if everything’s all right, but Claire just wants her to leave. But Karen can’t, not until she gets Claire to agree to help her save their mutual dimwitted friend Sarah, from Devon’s clutches. Karen reveals that Mrs. Monohan’s been drinking the TEA-VIL, and Claire asks what they should do. Karen kindly suggests that she help Claire clean up the mess, and that they then go talk to Sarah – together. Claire agrees – Homance!! I guess we’ve discovered Karen’s soft spot – broken vases and flowers strewn willy-nilly across the floor.
Messiness on the outside means crying on the inside.
We return to the police station briefly to find Nick back at work, this time by himself, but also with the approval of Buckley. He keeps looking at the crime scene photos from Harrison’s fall, and smiles to himself all of a sudden, at an apparent discovery.
It’s back to Claire’s, as she, Karen and Sarah sit in the kitchen. Sarah’s delighted that the other ladies are finally getting along, and Claire comments that sometimes it takes an outside perspective to break down unhealthy prejudices between people. That, and a broken vase. The ladies then get straight to warning Sarah about Devon’s tea. Sarah claims that she loves it – it’s so relaxing – like two glasses of wine without the hangover! Two? I wish Leigh were here. She’d have shared my snort of laughter that Sarah’s a fucking lightweight. Karen asks how long Sarah’s been drinking the tea, and she admits that she’s used it since she moved into The Gates. Claire correctly surmises that it probably works better at this point than it did when Sarah started drinking it. Sarah’s look of uncertainty and disappointment are enough to confirm Claire’s suspicions. Karen takes over because it’s time for someone to be patronizing, and tells Sarah that the tea, and Devon are perfect examples of things that are too good to be true.
We head back to Nick, who’s heading back to Foster. The CFO listens closely as Nick explains his theory that Buckley murdered Harrison, and modified the man’s will into paying out the estate into the trust. Foster looks (operative word here being “looks”) horrified and agrees to help nail Frank to the wall in any way he can. Nick’s happy to hear that, and asks Foster to make public or file or something all the paperwork relating to the trust that proves where Harrison’s money is going. Lloyd’s excited to play hero and totally takes the bait.
Onto Andy, wandering alone in the woods and looking nervous. Hey Andy, if the woods make you nervous, why don’t you take advantage of the prefab suburbia at your disposal and walk through that, instead? I’m sure there are a few backyards you could cut through if you want to be alone. Anyway, Brett zooms up in front of her, and before she can get rid of him, he begs her to listen to him for just a few minutes. She relents, and Brett reveals that he finally understands her. Andy’s pretty skeptical, but he continues and says he realizes she’s different. And he understands like no one else can, because so is he. Andy’s totally confused that this point, so Brett finally gets to the point. He’s not human! And decides to prove this to Andy by going all golden-eyed on her just like dear, departed bb. Okay, werewolves? The goldeneyes are not an immediate clue to your nature. If someone cornered me in the woods and told me they weren’t human right before flashing me some eyes that could change color at will, I would immediately guess extraterrestrial and start running for cover to protect my organs. But, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, Andy and I aren’t the same person, and she’s totally comforted by Brett’s eyes of mystery. She reveals her “rash” to him and starts to tell him about being a succubus.
He might be “nice,” too.
Night falls once last time in this episode, and we return to the trust’s abandoned office. But it’s Lloyd who shows up this time, lighter fluid and incriminating paperwork in tow. Nick’s tapped into the closed circuit security feed and is watching the whole thing. I whisper “Bingo!” the same time he whispers “Gotcha!” when we see Lloyd arrive. Then Buckley walks in surprising all three of us! He’s distraught, and accuses Lloyd of murdering Harrison and taking the old man’s money. Nick puts his video down to go investigate and hears a shot before he can even get out of the car.
Cut to Foster standing over Buckley, shot close to the heart, but still remarkably with it. Lloyd accuses Frank of never leaving well-enough alone, and douses him with lighter fluid. Barbeque – it’s not just for animals anymore. But Nick rushes in (in the nick of time), startles Lloyd and disarms him. Lloyd realizes he’s been set up, and Nick spits back that Lloyd mentioned seeing the crime scene photos -photos that were never released. In other words, the CFO set himself up. The day, she is saved!
Nick’s talking to other cops as Buckley’s wheeled out on a gurney (still, REMARKABLY COHERENT FOR BEING SHOT IN THE CHEST). He pulls the chief aside and mentions that Nick could have let him die, and he would have achieved his freedom. Nick admits that the thought crossed his mind, and the integrity he displays in that moment is enough to make Buckley grant him release from blackmail right then and there.
I’m fine, really. I’ll just walk home.
Nick’s tidying up things at the police station, relief and relaxation flooding every pore of his being, when Vanessa walks in. Frank asked her to stop by, she doesn’t want him to leave the gates, frank looked for nick for a long time, thinking he would fit in, nick says the gates wasn’t he expected, Vanessa says that’s because of the vampires. Nick’s surprised she knows so much (as am I), and she goes on to point out that Claire and Sarah are friends, and Dylan risked his life for Nick. She asks him to consider that vampires are just people, who have different abilities, but the same trials and tribulations as other humans. A montage starts of The Gates’ unique people who need Nick’s help – Claire’s looking at a vial of blood and gets a “Last chance.” text from Christian. Andy and Brett walk and talk, observed broodily by Charlie. And Sarah throws out her tea. Vanessa wonders if The Gates isn’t a job, but a calling – Nick’s calling. Nick indulges Vanessa, and asks her if The Gates is such a wonderful place to live, why all the secrets? Just what is Frank trying to protect?
“Me,” Vanessa answers. Boom. And Vanessa’s a vampire. Not only is she the reason Devon’s on a murderous rampage, she’s the reason Frank tried to stop Harrison from closing The Gates, and the reason he takes such care in protecting the other residents. Everything he’s done for The Gates he’s done out of love for her. Well. It looks like Frank’s a good guy all of a sudden. Just like Barbara was a saint made out of sex!crack, Karen’s “prejudices” about vampires can be broken down by some desperation and a mess, and Vanessa is way smarter than she looks. Does this all sound a little unbelievable to you? Because I’m starting to think that almost every character on this show is remarkably, remarkably fluid.
Back to Sarah, who’s staring at the trash can desperately, until she finally caves and retrieves the Devon’s tea. She makes herself a cup looking considerably less relaxed than she has before while drinking the TEA-VIL!
Devon doesn’t get any part of Vanessa’s voice over about love and people’s differences, because she’s off furthering her creepy, creepy storyline. She holds up a facial mold she made of one of the ladies at last week’s charity event and places it on a pretty ancient looking map of The Gates. Same goes for the vial of Claire’s blood, the wolf’s eyes (ew) and some of her own blood for good measure. Her eyeliner has never looked so nefarious as she stares into the candlelight, tasting success. CHILLS!
New meaning given to the word “crafty.”