The Glee Project: I (Don’t) Wanna Sex You Up

The week on sexuality. It’s finally here. I can’t wait for the awkwardness and hurt feelings! Let’s go!

“Go for it!” The words that have sparked morning-after regrets in millions of drunk college kids

Of course Gingersnap is horrified. She says that she’s “Like a koala bear, she can’t be sexy.”

Hey, even koala bears have little koala bears somehow.

She likes Celtic Thunder, so it must really suck for her when he gets all up in her grill and flirts with her. Too bad he’s just teasing her. Surprise surprise, Christian Hipsteron isn’t comfortable with sexuality. Especially once Dreads starts hitting on him.

In-the-ear kisses are the hottest kind of kisses

Paint me like one of your French girls

Casting Guy tells them the special guest, or guests, this week are the hottest couple to ever make out in the closet on Glee. Maybe it’s Santana and Brittany, cuz they’re still in the closet. Hey oh! But seriously, who will our sexy guests be? It’s…

Define “hottest”

Ashley Fink and Mark Salling- Lauren Zises and Puck. Unsurprisingly, Zises is one of Ginger’s favorite characters. Big girls gotta stick together, after all.

Random thought- Who picked the couples that would sing together in this song? Cuz it’s pretty obvious someone put Ginger and CT together on purpose.

Homework Grades-

Lindsay- her voice doesn’t sound as good as usual. Her sexiness was also a meh. B

Hipsteron- surprised me by picking up Lindsay. I didn’t think he’d be able to handle being so close to boobs that aren’t his mother’s. A-

CT- goddamn it he is good at seducing people. Or at least acting like he is. He has Ginger ready to melt at his feet.  A+

Toucha toucha toucha touch me!

Ginger- does a pretty good job! Pushes him down, not bad at all. She’s got Mark’s attention, anyhow. It probably helps that she actually likes the guys she’s singing to. A

Yeah, I’d tap that.

Dreads- his voice is sultry on its own, so it’s easy for him to be sexy. A-

Kurtcedes- his voice sounds great, but he doesn’t act sexy at all, just spins around. Not very good. B-

Weirdest orgy ever

Mark- “I was impressed by the, uh, harmonies.” Yeah, I’m sure you were really thinking about the “harmonies.” Ashley says Dreads was into everyone, boys, girls, Kurtcedes, and she loved it. Mark spent the most time watching Ginger. Called it!

Kurtcedes reminded Mark of a slightly more fabulous Cee Lo.

I honestly don’t know how you can be more fabulous than this

Dreads wins, and Lindsay is pissed. She says he just won because of his sexy squinty face, and that she should have won. Did you even get a positive mention from the judges? I don’t think so. So shut your hooker lipstick big mouth, kthanksbai.

Big number? Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”. They’re gonna be paired up again. Remind me how this is different from the duets episode, pairability or whatever? Pair 1 is Kurtcedes and Dreads, who both get one-on-one time with Ashley and Mark (lucky Kurtcedes gets to ride on Dreads’ coattails). They’re going to be doing a “musical jam session” in a garage. Dreads thinks it will be a challenge for him to act believably gay.

Next couple is CT and Lindsay, who will play a cheerleader and a jock, respectively, Oh wait, reverse that. Not gonna lie, though, I wouldn’t hate seeing CT in a short skirt. Ginger is of course upset that she’s not with CT, but them’s the breaks.

That leaves Hipsteron and Gingersnap to have a flirty food fight in a kitchen. Hipsteron doesn’t want to be incredibly sexual. Snooze.

For choreography, they have Brooke again instead of Zach. She kind of looks like the rejected sister witch from teh movie Hocus Pocus.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s less horse-faced sister

CT is a bad dancer and Hipsteron has a girlfriend. These are things we know already. Lindsay says she didn’t win the homework assignment so she knows she isn’t safe. I guess she forgot that the girl who won the HW assignment last week got eliminated.

Now Dreads is pulling out the Christian card as well, saying his mom wouldn’t want to see her little Dread Head as a fudge packer. That’s at least a bit better than Hipsteron’s boringly repetitive vows of chastity. In a move that totally doesn’t seem prompted by the producers at all, CT says

Really, what do you think the answer is?

This week in the vocal sesh, everyone has to sing the song completely through instead of just doing a few lines like normal. It’s kind of a hot mess. Highlight: Lindsay sounding completely terrible and destroying Nikki’s perception of her as a perfect little soprano angel.

I’m so tired of Hipsteron. Why come to be on a show on which everyone and their mother makes out if you’re so against it?

Kurtcedes: sexuality is my thing. Hm? Of course now that he’s said that he totally fails. He’s just over the top and not believable at all.

CT and Lindsay are cute, I guess. Once again, CT is given an amazing opportunity to check out Lindsay’s ass.

Dat ass

Zach and Co. say CT is being overpowered by Linds and needs to step it up.

They didn’t mean to get that up!

Gingersnap gets surprised adjusting herself.

Also, why is Kurtcedes asleep?

Of course she’s mad that her love CT kissed Linds, but get over it. Now the video everyone has really been waiting for, Ginger and Hipsteron. When the director suggests that they kiss (BTW Ginger is looking smokin’! Her hair looks great straightened!), Hipsteron refuses. If he isn’t kicked off this episode, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably nothing, but I’ll def be mad.

Notes from the video:

-         Kurtcedes’ voice sounds way too airy

-         What’s that white stuff on her face? I thought Hipsteron wasn’t into sexuality!

-         Wait, there’s more!

Control yourself Hipsteron!

-         Seriously??

I’m not even going to say it

- There are no words

-         The way the voices are patched together is sometimes weird

-         Kurtcedes and dreads come off more as friends than love interests IMO. Maybe because their garage looks like a creepy bachelor pad

-         Linds and CT are pretty believable

-         Ginger and Hipster’s shoot seems like so much fun!

Bottom three has to be at least Hipsteron and Kurtcedes. As for the third, maybe Lindsay because her vocals sucked? Instead of saying the bottom, they decided the top and then whoever was left is up to be eliminated (pussy move). Who did the best? Gingersnap! She keeps surprising me week after week, and this week was no exception. Great acting.

Also tops are Lindsay and Dreads. That makes this the fourth week (I think) in a row for Hipsteron and Kurtcedes to be in the bottom. If one of them doesn’t go home…

This week they chose last chance songs that they think the boys’ characters would sing if they were auditioning for Nude Erections (oh, sorry, New Directions, the show choir on Glee).

Alex- “I Will Survive” (Gloria Gaynor)

Hipsteron- “Blackbird” (Beatles)

CT- “Danny Boy”- I love how they ask him if he’s sung that song before. That’s like asking an American if they’ve sung “God Bless America” before.

CT misses a few pitches in his performance, but it’s heartfelt and his voice sounds good. Like an 80’s power ballad (if there were guitars in the background), sort of. Dickhead Ryan Murphy (seriously, the more news I hear about him the more he seems like a huge d bag) says he wasn’t moved at all. I don’t understand that at all, but he’s the all-powerful director, so he must be right.

Vignette: I thought we’d proven already how much Ginger loves her white cream, but no, we get to see more. I love how she says “don’t worry, this won’t make it to TV.” Saying that is like confirming that it will DEFINITELY make TV.  I think the best way to do it justice is to show it in picture form.

So…that happened.

Kurtcedes is fine, a little strained. He is very choppy with the way he says some of the words and gets a little behind the music at times. It’s fierce as hell, though. Dickhead Ryan wants to see more of him than just diva, something “real.” And if that’s the real him?

Hipsteron is ok. His voice sounds nice, very mainstream pop/light rock. Whatever. Once again, Dickhead Ryan doesn’t know the definition of the word “actor,” meaning that he doesn’t understand that a person doesn’t have to be the exact same as the character they portray. You can have a Christian character played by someone who is not a religious Christian.

Hipsteron says he doesn’t want to stay because he feels it isn’t fair to the other people who really want to stay. But Ryan goes, “let us make that decision.” Ryan thinks he is just confused. Why are all of them so enamored with him? Gah, just let him quit! Too bad he didn’t pull this last week, Bootylicious could still be here.

Two of my least favorite GleePro people hugging. Do you know what an anagram of “hug” is? UGH.

And they tell him he can stay?! WTF. But at least Hipsteron has some sense and decides to leave of his own volition. Ryan says he’s never seen a show where someone has walked away, but clearly he doesn’t watch reality TV. People quit all the time.

He tells Hipster that he just saved CT. Good, I’d like another week to look at CT and bask in his accent.

So Hipsteron’s out. I have nothing against anyone’s religious beliefs, but he should have realized that he would have some problems with a show that’s largely about relationships and sex.

Has anyone else realized that he always bobs up and down when he sings?

See ya Hipster! Wasn’t that dramatic? Wasn’t it heart-wrenching? Didn’t you cry your eyes out? Me neither.

Next week is “belieavability.” Sigh, these themes are getting so redundant. So what did everyone think? Did Hipsteron make the right choice? Were you happy or sad to see him go? Does it seem obvious to anyone else that Dreads is probably going to win the whole thing?

Thanks for reading!

<3 L-Money