Hey Gasmii! L-Money back to recap The Glee Project, or as I like to call it, GleePro! I’m not really sure what to expect from it, except lots of pubescent dreams getting crushed, drama, stereotyping, and of course, singing. And lots of feeeeeelings. I’m going to assume that most of the people reading this watch Glee, or at least know the premise and main characters, so I’ll be making a lot of Glee references (it’s pretty hard to avoid them). So here’s the first episode, entitled “Individuality” (I don’t have high expectations about that title).
So we begin with me wondering how much Oxygen had to pay to get the same announcer voice from Glee to introduce how amazing Glee is and how huge it’s gotten, blah blah blah. Here’s the gist of it: Glee wants to be the next ER, instead of one of those the-kids-never-graduate-high-school shows, so they need some fresh new faces. The 12 chosen wannabes will improve their singing and dancing and learn to be special with the help of the Glee cast and people who work on the show.
You’ve got something above your lip there, kid
First we meet Lindsay, who kind of looks like an edgier Katy Perry, has a big mouth (literally), and ugly side bangs. Then the first Glee star walks in…it’s Darren Criss (Blaine)! The girls appropriately wet their panties, especially this one-
She actually jumped when he walked in.
So for the first challenge, they all had to learn Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” and shine in their individual lines. The winner gets the lead in the group number and gets to work one-on-one (ooh steamy) with Darren.
Since we don’t know anyone’s names (well they went through them quickly in the beginning, but there’s no way I can remember that), I’ll use the stereotypes/physical appearances by which I’m sure they were all cast to grade their performances. Disclaimer: I’m never trying to be offensive, just snarky and honest. I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.
Hispanic diva- Ooohh she rocked it! Like Santana but with a stronger and more sultry voice!
Black gay kid- Color me impressed. I like him and his little growl-thing at the end.
Boring white girl- pretty good, but she needs to work on her sexy face
Looks like she caught a whiff of something stanky, but then decided she liked it.
Deep voiced tan hipster- ehhh no. This is the face I made as well.
Heavy ginger girl- I expected more, but her voice was pretty generic. Also, everyone thinks winking and pointing will make them stand out, but actually when everyone does it, you get the opposite effect.
White hipster- good and bluesy, with a surprising upper range. He’s got a weird finger-waggle thing going on, though.
Lindsay- she was fine. Her line was too short to get a better handle on her.
White kid wearing way too much grey- he barely even sung! He just spoke and laughed his way through it! Only Mike Chang can get away with that!
White girl with mismatching hair and eyebrows- good, I guess. A little unremarkable.
Bob Marley wannabe- fine. Lots of face scrunching.
Halle Berry wannabe- very good. I agree with Darren here.
You go gurl!
Braces boy- surprise high note at the end improved the whole performance.
OK it’s over. That was decidedly better than I thought it would be. The only one I actually thought was bad was speak-sing kid. Darren applauds and obvi tells them they’re all fabulous, and that some were clearly more focused on attitude than singing. Not sure if that’s a plus or a minus. In any case, Halle Berry looks, well, attitudey when he says that.
So boring white girl is named Ellis, and she actually has a man voice. Darren gives her major props. She’s also really tiny and has a baby face.
Glee, the elementary school years
Latina Diva is up next, gurl. Her name is Emily (her words), she’s a major flirt (her words), and her talent is flipping her hair (her words). Great voice, obnoxious personality. Braces Boy is named Matteos, and Darren gives him some weird advice about him being too controlled, although he is a great musician? I didn’t really understand what he was saying, but apparently it was meant positively, and Matteos wins!
Oh nvm, it’s spelled Matheus. He’s excited, especially about the chance to have some alone time with Darren, if you know what I mean. Darren tells them all that their group number will be Katy Perry’s song Firework. All the girls freak out, but Heavy Ginger is the most excited, even saying “that’s my jam!” I now dub her Ginger Trying Too Hard to Be Cool.
The big group number is all about creating a character that they would like to play on Glee. This confuses me, as I just figured the writers would make them whoever they wanted them to be, which is probably what will end up happening, truth be told. They will be judged on how they act throughout the whole process, and at the end 3 of them will have to do a Last Chance performance in front of creator Ryan Murphy to see who stays. It’s like lip synch for your life on RuPaul’s Drag Race, me like!
Apparently she doesn’t. Don’t worry, there’s room in the drag world for the BIG queens, too!
And just like on RuPaul, the other judges don’t really matter. Ryan/Ru makes the final decision on who gets to stay.
The dancing is kind of a hot mess. Tan hipster, named Bryce, isn’t feeling it. The choreographer is kind of a bitch, and I love it.
Time for singing! In a professional recording studio! The ginger, Hannah, is nervous. Everyone meets Nikki, one of the vocal producers for Glee, who tells them about how it is to be on the OMG Matheus is a midget/dwarf/little person!
I couldn’t tell before because he was sitting! I hope that won’t end up being THE THING that defines him, because I would feel bad for him.
In any case, Eyebrows Girl AKA Marissa is an “amazing singer” but she isn’t emoting enough or “connecting with the words.” I personally think it’s hard to connect with lyrics about feeling like a plastic bag, but I digress.
Wait, Damian (kid who spoke and wore grey) is from Northern Ireland? Why didn’t he have an accent before? So many mysteries on this show! He actually kind of looks like a cross between Finn and Kurt.
Secret love child of Furt?
Black gay kid is wayyy off with his pitches. I liked him before but now he sounds too much like a shrill girl with a head cold. Lindsay does well, maybe because she looks like she could be cousin of Katy Perry/Zooey Deschanel (who are identical twins, btw). But when she goes on about being classically trained (which is fine) and having one of the best voices there, she starts to bug me.
Poor little Ellis is sick, so she has trouble and her voice sounds strained. Hannah is just…no. Nikki’s a bitch, too. What else would you expect? She has to deal with divas everyday and tell them to STFU and listen to her. Hannah whines about her problems to the other Gleeks in training, and Bob Marley dude isn’t having it.
You know you’re boring when people start playing with their dreadlocks. Those things are nasssttyyy.
Now they start to film the music video for the song. Hannah’s feeling like she’ll be in the bottom, while Alex (black gay) is bursting with confidence and singing notes no human should be able to hear. He can give Kurt a run for his money for most girly-sounding boy singer. Matheus does a great job thanks to the “tips” he got from Darren, although unfortunately we only get to see what they did on camera…
Bryce still sucks at dancing, despite what he calls the “heartthrob” of the group, and Baby Ellis gets a talking to about trying to act too young. I don’t get why she’s acting like she’s four when she was complaining before about her young looks.
Some notes from the music video:
- Bob Marley is a horrible lip syncher. That shit would never fly on Glee.
- Damien is creeper.
- I couldn’t hear the distinction between Lindsay’s white girl soprano and Alex’s black male…whatever it is voice. That’s kind of a problem. He’s good on camera, though.
- Emily’s got a serious rack. Move over Santana! This guy can’t keep his eyes off them, I mean her.
Boom, boom, boom is right!
- Who would want to be “Most Likely to Be a Country Bumpkin” in their yearbook?
- Matheus rocked his extra solo!
The cast fools around after the shoot, and we see what the Hipster named Cameron looks like without his glasses.
Not what I would have expected. He’s pretty cute! Those hipster glasses make everyone 1.6 times uglier
Dreadlock Samuel, who I’m gonna call Marley 2.0, comes the closest to saying my favorite reality TV cliché, “I’m not here to make friends,” but doesn’t. I’ll keep waiting!
Now shit gets real, and it’s time to pick the loozahs. My guesses for the bottom three: Bryce, Hannah, and Damien.
The tops are Cameron, Samuel, Lindsay, Matheus, Alex, and Emily. The so-sos are McKinley (Halle Berry), Hannah, and Marissa. I was almost right, but it’s Ellis in the bottom instead of Hannah. Oh well, she was my other choice. Here’s their last chance song assignments: Ellis gets Big Spender (Broadway), Just the Way You Are (Pop) goes to Bryce, and Damien gets Jessie’s Girl (Rock).
Damien is worried because he has never heard Jessie’s Girl and knows nothing about it. Since these kids are all trying so hard to get on Glee, wouldn’t you think they watch the show? Or at least would catch up once they knew they were on GleePro? Because Finn sang the song in an episode once. Not cool, Damien.
So now that all the performers are sufficiently nervous/prepared, they hit the stage. Damien starts out fine, and actually sings pretty well, but then he does his weird creeper faces.
Watching her with THOSE eyes
And then at the chorus, instead of “I wish that I had Jessie’s Girl,” he sings, “I wish that I WAS Jessie’s Girl,” effectively changing the meaning of the song from jealousy over your bro’s girl to a transgender/coming out anthem. And of course Ryan Murphy loves it. He also hits a pretty lady-like high note at the end.
Bryce does a good job, despite the song being high and him having a low voice. He has a very mainstream pop voice, which can be both good and bad for Glee.
Baby Ellis is amazing. She picked a great outfit, and the way she sang and acted made her seem so mature, despite her small stature and young face. She reminded me a lot of Lea Michele, actually.
Mama I’m a big girl now!
I think it’s between Damien and Bryce. Damien has a great accent but he was boring, and Bryce was kind of a douche. And the first GleePro contestant to leave is…Bryce. Sorry dude, Glee already has enough heart throbs and enough people with attitude problems. Try American Idol next time, I’m sure the teeny bopper girls who watch that show will love you.
Next week, things be getting’ Gaga up in hurr! And the claws come out as the real drama starts.
Overall, the show was pretty good, but I’m expecting it to get a lot more catty and crazy in the coming weeks. Also, they spent about half the episode on the last chance songs, and I would have liked to see more of the other challenges.
What did you guys think? Has anyone emerged as your favorite already? Or, on the other hand, who do you already hate?
Thanks for reading, see you next week!