The Hills: McSeriously?

Hey guys.  I’m filling in this week (I do recaps of The City and Desperate Housewives).  I’m a big fan of The Hills, but I’m an even bigger fan of making fun of it.  I hope y’all can stand me for one week!  Also, you guys should totally watch “Spring Breakdown,” the best movie Kristin has ever “acted” in.  Mostly because Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch are hilarious in it.  All right.  The only thing I’ve eaten all day is Bugles, and I’ve got my Beam and ginger ale all ready, so let’s get this show on the road, shall we?

Wow, Stephanie Pratt has the weirdest alarm clock ever.

Remember how awesome last week’s episode was because Heidi and Spencer were being insane in the membrane for the entire 23 minutes?  Well, I hate to say it, folks, but I think we’ve seen the last of that bat-shittery, because they ain’t in this episode at all.  Oh, well.  On to more interesting things . . . like changing the channel.  Oh, fine, I’ll stick around to recap this . . .  Brody and Kristin are in some dive bar, and Kristin says she’s meeting Audrina tomorrow.  She says Audrina’s more relaxed now that she’s dating Cabrera.  Thank god, because Audrina is usually so wild and in-your-face.  Brody tries to be nonchalant about how “cool” Cabrera is, but we all know Brody has all of his albums.  The special editions.  And a few posters.  And a life-size cut-out that he makes out with every night.  Brody and Kristin have this conversation about how they’re single and having fun and not dating anyone and are glad that they’re friends.  And also about being single.  And not dating.  And being friends.  Huh.  I’ve never heard them have this conversation before.  Most certainly not in every.  Single.  Damn.  Episode this season!  Oy.  Credits.

Over at Audrina’s house, where I find the microwave more interesting than her conversations with Cabrera, she tells Ryan that she, Lo, and Kristin are going out for drinks.  Way to mix things, up, Auddie Sue.  Audrina says she wants to hang with her friends and also Cabrera.  Wait.  Is this last week’s episode?  Or the week before?  Did my MTV online player mess up?  Let me call Adam DiVello and see what’s going on.  Give me a sec.  I’m on hold.  Oh, hey, the on hold music is Bread.  Nice.  Oh, okay, let me talk to him.

Okay, I’m back.  Mr. DiVello has indeed confirmed that my online player is fine, and that, yes, I’m watching this week’s episode.  At least he thinks so.  Anyway, Audrina tells Cabrera that he should go out with her and the girls.  Interesting.  And yet, completely not.

We’re treated to some patented Hills Random Shots of Sunny L.A.

The economy is so bad that Justin Bobby had to trade in his motorcycle for a unicycle.  Sad!

Steph and Lo walk down the street, and Steph says she needs more in her life than A.A.  How about some N.A.?  No?  Okay.  Moving on.  Steph says she’s ready to put herself out there and date!  And Lo says that she and Scott have the “perfect guy” for her.  His name is Max.  T.J. Max.  I’m kidding, but how awesome would that be?  Anycnooches, Steph is totes concerned that her dalliances with the alcohols in the past, coupled with the fact that she’s a 23 year-old sober person will scare him off.  And then Lo says that any guy who has a problem with that isn’t worth dating.  Which is really nice and supportive, and not completely back-handed, which surprises me.  Because it came from Lo’s mouth.

At Kristin’s house, Audrina’s over for some wine and popcorn.  Kristin asks Audrina if she’s liking being in a committed relationship.  I don’t think she really gives a rat’s ass, though.  She seems to be thinking about something else.

“Why DO all my movies go direct-to-DVD?”

Audrina asks about Brody, and Kristin says they’re having a good time.  Her voice is raspy again.  I bet she chain-smokes in between takes.  Audrina tells her it’s fun to have fun, but like, “keep your guard up,” and “when you guys are, like, together, you’re like, together-together, like, people see you guys and they’re like, ‘Oh, they’re a couple.’”  Yeah, a couple of douches!  Thank you!  I’m here all night!  Kristin says they have “crazy chemistry,” and Audrina asks if she’s getting “attached.”  Kristins’s not sure, really.  So she takes out her phone to call Brody.  You know, in case he knows the answer.

Meanwhile, Brody gets a phone call.  Who could it be?!  Turns out, it’s Kristin.  I mean, obviously.  Oh, dip, Kristin’s calling and Brody’s on a date with a girl!

With a girl who seriously spells her name like this.

Due to that stupid font, I don’t know if it’s “Mckaela” or “McKaela,” but I’m gonna go with “McKaela.”  Because it reminds me of McDonald’s.  Which reminds me of the McRib.  Which reminds me of a pleasure that only lasts from October to January.  McKaela tells Brody that she has a strict no-phones-at-the-table rule.  Thanks, McMom.  So Brody ignores the call.  Back at her house, Kristin’s kind of pissed because Brody’s let his phone go to voicemail all three times she’s called today.  Way to take the hint, Kristy Sue.

“Oh, god, here come the popcorn farts . . .”

Brody tells McKaela that Kristin was on the phone, and she’s his ex-girlfriend, but it’s all good because they’re friends and neither of them are totally wanting to be more than friends.  Certainly not Kristin.  Who calls him 4 times a day.  Brody says they’ll always be friends.  Oh, dang, kids, get out the griddle and the Wonder Bread because the cheese is thick tonight:  McKaela says she’s new to L.A. and it’s hard to find genuine friends, and Brody is all, “I’ll be your genuine friend.”  And then they talk about surfing.  When they go outside, it’s raining!  Oh my god, if you live in L.A. for the love of god — stay inside because the rain will kill you!

How did I get stuck with the most boring Hills episode ever?  Something happen, dammit!  Oh, awesome . . . golf.  With Brody and Charlie.  Scintillating.  Charlie discusses McKaela and how hard it will be for her to fit in with the gals, and how they’ll “eat her alive.”  Brody says he mentioned McKaela to Kristin.  I kind of don’t remember that, but I kind of don’t want to go back and check.  They talk about how annoying it is to to leave the morning after a one-night-stand.  You know what’s more annoying, Brody?  That swab test the doctor has to do when he checks you for the syph.  Okay, I’m so over the golf.  Come on, Hills!  Daddy needs a new pair of interesting!

Audrina and Steph having coffee at Steph’s house?!!  Oh, COME ON!

“I usually make hot buttered rum, but I’m obviously out of rum.  So . . . I just microwaved a couple cups of Parkay.  I hope that’s cool.”

Look, we need to get to the good stuff, so let me shorthand this:  Audrina wants Cabrera to get along with Brody.  Yeah, we’re done with that.  Then Steph tells Audrina about her upcoming double date with Lo, Scott, and Max.  The best thing about their conversation is when Steph goes, “He’s a professional lacrosse player.  I don’t know what lacrosse is.”  Hee!

“I think it’s the one with the volleyball.  No, wait.  That’s soccer . . .”

Steph says she feels like her life is complicated, and she’s afraid that the sober thing will come up, and the family thing (i.e., Spencer and Heidi) will come up, and she thinks it might be scary for him.  Audrina tells her to keep it light, and Steph’s like, “It’s not light when you’ve been to jail, Audrina.”  Hee.  Now, since I don’t recap this all the time, I think it’s worth mentioning that I like Stephanie Pratt.  Well, mostly I like her on Talk Soup.  But she’s come a long way from not even knowing how to answer a freaking phone at People’s Revolution a year or two ago, right?  I think that she’s grown up a lot, and each week I’m liking her more and more.  All right, I’m sorry, I’ll get back to my usual bitchery!

For once, everyone goes out to a bar/club for drinks.  I know — weird, right?!  Whatever.  These people go out more than store-brand light bulbs.  Brody brings McKaela, and instantly, Lo and Steph are all, “Is that his girlfriend?  What is going on right now?”  And Audrina, being the modicum of tact, says directly to Brody, in front of McKaela, “Kristin’s going to flip out when she comes.”  Stir that pot, Audrina.  Stir it and then run away when it gets too hot.  Am I right, folks?  Needless to say, all of this is not making McKaela McComfortable.  Kristin and “I Wanna Be On This Show Too!” Stacie show up for some drinks and drama.  I’m glad that Stacie got a night off from giving handy j’s to the bar-backs in the stock room.  Kristin says hi to Brody, but he tells Kristin he expected “a nice hug.”

So, Brody introduces Kristin to McKaela, and Kristin reaches over to shake McKaela’s McHand and is all, “Hi, nice to meet you.”  I honestly don’t think she sounded insincere at all.  But I guess Brody got a text from Adam DiVello that said, “Be a douche 2nite, k?” because he tells Kristin that she “wasn’t genuine” at all.  Oy.  I know, I know, I wanted something more interesting, so I can’t complain.  Well, I can, but you’re not interested in that.  Kristin goes over to talk to the other girls.

“I must disagree, Kristin.  The Smoot-Hawley Tarriff Act completely undermined the commitment that President Hoover had pledged to international co-operations.”

McKaela is McConcerned that things are McAwkward, so she and Brody decide to McLeave.  But of course Brody goes up to Kristin, McKaela in McTow, and is all, You weren’t cool to her.  And Kristin tries to patch the whole thing up by almost-but-not-quite yelling in McKaela’s McFace:  “Was I rude to you?  Was I rude to you?!”  Lovely.

Kristin walks down the street the next day with “I’m a Part of This Show Too!” Stacie.  Kristin says that it was awkward last night, and Stacie says that Brody just brought McKaela to flaunt her in front of Kristin.  Oh, man, I do NOT want to say that Stacie has a good point . . . but she does.  Man, that was hard to admit.  Stacie tells Kristin she has to talk to Brody.

Lo’s over at Steph’s house to lend some support for the double-dateage.  But it’s too late, because Lo gets a text that the guys are there!  Wow.  Lo’s boyfriend has the raspiest voice ever.  It’s like Kristin’s “Woke Up In a Miami Hotel With Four Girls In My Bed” raspy, except an octave lower.  Also, I think he’s 40.  Not that I’m ageist, he’s just not the guy I’d picture Lo with.  Anyway, he shows up with Max.

Also, Levi Johnston and Taylor Lautner made sweet, sweet love and had a baby.  I don’t know if you knew that.

So, at the W Hotel in Westwood, everyone orders drinks.  Except Steph.  She gets a cute little Coca-Cola.  Awwwww!  Oh my dear sweet lord — apparently Scott and Max have an apparel line.  Um, excuse me, but save that crap for The City where it belongs, people.  Steph asks Max for his birthday and sign, and Lo’s like, “I like what’s happening here!”  Well, I don’t, Lo, okay?  Lo and Steph go to the bathroom, where Lo tells Steph not to worry about the date and the sober stuff and just have fun.  I do not like this feeling of agreeing with everything Lo says!  It sickens me, people.  Sickens me.  After the date, everyone walks out and Max puts his jacket over Steph (awwww! . . . barf.), and they exchange numbers to go out on a second date.  Yay!

Over at Brody’s condo, Kristin shows up for some discussion about politics and the relevance of art in the 21st century.  At least I think that’s why she’s there . . . I guess we’ll see.  They blah about how neither of them deserve a hug.  Kristin tells Brody he was being rude by being all over McKaela’s McBizness in front of her, and Brody tells Kristin she was being rude by saying hi and then ignoring her to talk to the other gals.  Kristin (once again raspy as all get out, thanks to the Marlboro Lights 100s she undoubtedly smoked in the car on the way to Brody’s) says it was hard to deal with Stacie asking her if she was okay.  I say it’s just hard to deal with Stacie.  Period.  Brody’s like, I can like who I want, and I like McKaela, and I like you.  Kristin says it’s not fair, and Brody’s like, “What’s not fair?  We’re friends.”  Kristin’s witty retort:  “Shut up.”  Kristin doesn’t know why Brody doesn’t see her point of view, Brody says he does.  Kristin says what he did was disrespectful, and “never in a million years” would she bring along some guy and be all over him the way he was with McKaela.  Oh, bull to the shit, Kristin!  You totally would!  And you probably will!  Then they rehash this argument to the point that it gets totally exhausting, and then Kristin hops on her huffy bike and gets the hell out of there, leaving Brody alone with his thoughts.

“I guess it’s just you and me tonight, indiscriminate boner.”

Next week:  Kristin and Stacie go out to find new guys, and everyone goes to see a band play . . . and Justin Bobby’s in the band!  But where does that leave Audrina and Cabrera?!  McMeanwhile, McKaela gets a little McThreatend by McKristin.  McDrama!