The Little Drummer Boy: An Unholy Racket

Recaps

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 27, 2012 | 10:00 am | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Featured, Recaps

***JMo is back for more Christmas oldies!! Enjoy!

Hello everyone, and Happy Holidays! This is that very special time of year when we look around ourselves and realize what’s truly important to us… whether its having good health, or being surrounded by our friends and family, or maybe adding a flatscreen TV in the bathroom so we won’t ever miss a single rerun of “Roseanne”, we all celebrate this season of giving and caring in our own unique way. I can tell you, growing up in a heavily Catholic family I have learned that some ways of “Celebrating The Season” are way more fun than others. For instance, all my friends who had sweetly secular parents never knew the sheer torture of opening presents on Christmas Morning and receiving that brand new Moonbase Alpha Lego™ set and being sooooo excited to sit down and actually build it… only to find themselves being hustled into uncomfortable clothing and being dragged off to boring-ass church for the next two to thirty-seven hours. Non-religious-familied kids weren’t constantly bombarded with guilt-inducing reminders of the real reason for the season (“Remember, you can’t have ‘Christmas’ without Chriiiiiist!“). And ohhh, while the rest of the Ignorant Hellbound Sinners™ were free to enjoy the gloriously non-preachy cartoon productions of “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” and “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town”, the four Mo children (M-Mo, J-Mo, B-Mo and Al-Mo) knew what was surely in store for them on snowy evenings in front of the television in a Christ-fearing household…

Screenshot 01-4

yay religious cartoons

Now, you may think I sound as if I am extremely bitter about having grown up in a family where religion was enforced and masturbation was discouraged, and you’d be totally right, I am. The deathly dull church I was forced to attend growing up was bad enough, the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of it during prime-time TV in December. All I really wanted was to see Frosty The Snowman and Charlie Brown specials as I crammed Christmas cookie after Christmas cookie into my little mouth. Still, my mother always unerringly found this particular Rankin-Bass stop-motion gem, The Little Drummer Boy, in the TV Guide and made certain the Mo family watched it so we could glean it’s message of loving sacrifice. And tacky cheapness.

So let’s take a new look at it with a 40-year-old recapper’s eye, shall we? We begin with the silhouette of a slow exodus of people…

Screenshot 02-5

fleeing AZ Governor Jan Brewer, Sheriff Joe Arpaio and SB 1070

No, actually, an actress speaking with a snooty faux-English accent informs us that “It came to pahss thaht there went out a decrrree from Caesar Augustus that oll the wehld should be taxed…” Tax the entire world? Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck would already hate this thing. Anyhow, Snoot-Lady goes on to say (with many, many unnecessarily rolled ‘r’s) that everyone had to pack up and go back to their home city in order to be taxed properly. That? Sounds insanely complicated, not to mention disruptive. I suspect Wesley Snipes would have had a much easier time using his “I didn’t understand how taxes work” defense back then. Ah, but Snoot-Lady jumps back in to say that everyone had to go hit up their hometowns, “for to disobey the Rrrrroman Emperrrror meant certain death!” Yikes! Those Romans were not playing when they wanted your money!

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

15 Comments

  1. 1
    ash310
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Oh we weren’t even allowed to open our gifts til after Mass. We would make our parents take us to the 6 AM Christmas Mass. Once we were old enough we would go to midnight Mass so that it would be over with before morning. Of course that required getting to church at about 10:30 PM in order to get a seat.

  2. 2
    WTH
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Lol nice recap. Strangely enough I used to love this when I was a kid. Btw, the narrator (Greer Garson) really was British but I agree the accent was pretty snooty.

  3. 3
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    I am glad someone else hated it as much as I did. I am a pastor kid and we always had to sit through the Christmas story before we opened presents. I don’t really mind it so much now but back then, I kept saying to myself, “I want my Gameboy and my PS2!”

  4. 4
    arizonatom arizonatom
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Cute recap of a crappy story! I don’t remember seeing it as a kid. I don’t remember going to church on Christmas morning, but my folks says that we did. Maybe their just telling that story now that they’re approaching the Pearly Gates?? Hmmmmmm, I wonder…..

  5. 5
    thiajok
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Wow, I never realized before how lucky I was that my parents had drunken parties on Christmas eve night. I was always bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed for Christmas morning even if they weren’t. But, to their credit, they made it work.

    I never liked this holiday show, either. I liked Frosty, Peanuts, and Rudolph. But my favorite was the Grinch.

  6. 6
    ohralphie
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    I remember watching this — but I liked it. Does anyone else remember the stop motion show about the long eared donkey whose mother was killed in front of it but then it gave Mary a ride into Jerusalem and used its massive ears to keep her warm? Guilt, tears and a slight chance at redemption — the perfect Catholic Christmas Story.
    I couldn’t stand Frosty. I find nothing entertaining about a ‘special’ snowman. Who knew snow could have chromosonal disorders?

  7. 7
    Bioscotto
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    @ohralphie: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *shiver*

  8. 8
    John Bender
    Posted December 24, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    I sure used to love all the Claymation and stop-motion animation Christmas specials when I was growing up…

    EXCEPT THIS ONE. What a steaming turd this special was every year. The animation was half-assed, the story was completely cobbled together, and I always found myself wanting to kick the crap out of Aaron before the special was halfway over. The songs – oh, the songs – were especially awful and lazily written, as I’m glad you pointed out, J-Mo. Gee, and Wikipedia tells me that I’m exactly the same age as this barrel of crap. We were both born on 19 December 1968. GAH.

    J-Mo, congratulations on making this recap the best thing to ever be associated with this flaming turd of a Christmas special.

  9. 9
    thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 25, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    I don’t think I have ever seen this special. If I have, I blocked it out. I know I’ve seen Frosty and Rudolph before, but I don’t remember them either. The only cartoon I faithfully still watch and love is a Charlie Brown Christmas. I don’t really like Claymation or Stop Motion shows.

  10. 10
    Zbird
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    “They are lucky they weren’t stoned, and I don’t mean the flying goose kind.” Comic genius, ladies and gents.

    I, too, watched this a gazillion times as a kid, but I guess I was suckered in because I actually looked forward to it. Your recap is a hilarious take on it. Awesome.

  11. 11
    SusanB
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Are you sure the only thing that happened to Mama was getting burned up? Why didn’t she run out of the house? Bandits and Theives are not likely to let a doll like her get away. I can’t believe they showed Daddy getting knifed in the chest! What kind of kids show is this?

  12. 12
    labowner
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Why does Al enjoy the extra letter in front of Mo? Why not A-Mo?

    Loved the drummer boy or was it just the song that gave me chills?

    Loved the Grinch, but the best Christmas cartoon/stop motion was The Year Without A Santa Claus featuring Heat and Freeze Mizer and their mom, Mother Nature.

  13. 13
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 27, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    @SusanB, never fear, I photoshopped that knife going into daddy’s chest, the real film just showed him collapsing after the bandit threw the knife (I do a lot of image manipulation in my recaps)… :)

    @labowner, the reason for Al-Mo instead of A-Mo is because that was my little brother’s real nickname in high-school… :)

    love, J-Mo :)

  14. 14
    whatwhat
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 2:00 am

    @ohralphie You’re talking about Nestor the donkey, right? This one – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m1GnBM53-0

    Which oh lord is it ever depressing as all get out

  15. 15
    Jaime Sommers
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I loved this Christmas special growing up and bawled like a toddler the last time I saw it… um in 2011 on DVD. The little lamb being crushed by the carriage destroyed me every time. I have such affection for this special I’m guessing because as with Aaron, I like animals more than people. Does anyone remember The Night the Animals Talked?

    I DESPISE Frosty, who to me is nothing but a fat snowy pedophile.

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